Anxiety, Depression, Suicide, and Survival. · 3:33am Jun 10th, 2018
So I don't talk about myself too much here, oddly enough I talk about myself here in more personal detail than anywhere else. I guess it feels safer to talk about things bothering me when nobody knows my real name. Yet I think there are some things that need discussed, for my sake and hopefully to help others. For the past year I've been suffering with suicidal depression. I've seen a therapist, I've done some exercising, and I even picked up yoga. All these things have been very helpful but none of them have fixed what's wrong with me. I'm not entirely sure it ever will be fixed, if that's even possible.
You see I suffer from severe depression, as well as severe anxiety. A year ago I had a fiance, i had a job, I had plans to have the woman I loved move in with me and start a family. It wouldn't have been easy by any means but it was something. Of course I was still depressed then too, I hadn't understood it at the time but my fiance was very abusive. I've been in abusive situations all my life, with my family, and so I had normalized the abuse thinking it was just what happened. It wasn't until my fiance and me broke up in what could only be described as a train wreck meeting a nuclear bomb, that I started to understand all the abuse I had suffered. Needless to say this only made my depression grow steadily worse.
That's about when I had my first suicide attempt. I went to go see a therapist after that because I realized that things had gotten too severe for me to handle anymore. I lost my job due to depression. My anxiety was so severe that I couldn't go outside at all. I needed the help. Thankfully the therapist did help me a lot. Brought me back to a place where I felt more secure, more normalized. Things didn't improve right away, but they did start getting a little easier.
I look back at all the time I had wasted away trying to merely survive day to day. In all honesty other than a handful of novels that might never see the light of day, I can't say that I really did too much to build towards a good future. I've spent the last year in soul crushing pain over my ex, feeling as though there could be no light at the end of the tunnel, and only darkness awaited me.
Yet I still continued on, moving forward the best I could. The darkness, the depression, and the anxiety have gone up and down. Recently I've been in one of my darker periods, staying away from doing anything stupid again though. Even so I have finally started to rebuild myself, and my life. I've got plans for more education, I'm actually in the process of getting enrollment started. It took awhile and although it's not my passion, I realized the best career for me is likely to be Computer Repair. It won't bother my asthma, and will allow me to keep my social anxiety low while doing something I actually find fun. I'm starting to go back outside because of this, and forcing myself back into the world too.
All in all it looks like there's finally light in my future. Its still a battle, waking up everyday and feeling worthless, but I'm fighting that battle and I think I'm winning. My nearly complete disappearance here was likely thanks to the depression as well. One of the things I vowed to myself however was that I would finish off posting my last two written fanfictions, and perhaps write a couple more. Then I started getting into game development which has helped a lot. It feels like when I'm in the depths of creative passions that I am able to escape a lot of the darkness and just be happy. So yeah, things are looking up for me for the first time in a year.
I know that I'm rambling at this point, so I guess I'll just finish with saying that you never know when someone is suffering in silence. When they are willing to shut themselves off from the world in order to not bother anyone with their problems is easy to overlook them. It's been thanks in large part to my friends helping me, and the help I sought for myself that I am actually still here to write this. So if you know someone who's suffering from suicidal thoughts, depression, or anxiety. Don't push them away or ignore them. They need support and love from those close to them.
Anyway, I'm glad to know that some people like the work I've put my broken soul into, it really means a lot to me. As always thanks for reading, and take care of yourselves. I'll be posting another chapter of the Heart of Light tomorrow. I'm not going to disappear anytime soon. XD
My life 25 years ago. It does not get better. Just easier to deal with. Hell I am even happy at times.
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You know I keep hearing that. It's nice to know that others are able to understand. I used to think I was the only one in the world who felt this way. I do have my good periods mixed in with the bad, and I have met some of my closest friends thanks to this event. Its odd how pain can bring people together just as much as it pulls them apart.
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You ever need to talk(really talk) you can call me. Phone # in PM it you want.
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Thanks, i'll keep that in mind. XD