Tell me I've failed already! · 12:17am Sep 2nd, 2015
I submitted a story late last night, and haven't heard back from the admins.
Usually, when my story is passing, I would have been told by now.
SO HURRY AND TELL ME THAT I FAILED ALREADY!!!
I submitted a story late last night, and haven't heard back from the admins.
Usually, when my story is passing, I would have been told by now.
SO HURRY AND TELL ME THAT I FAILED ALREADY!!!
Any attempt to use a drive-thru window (the name of which also leaves me called ... why "thru," why not just "through?") will leave you feeling terrified. I know everyone with me is going to flood me with specific requests and always want to adjust their orders and trying to remember all of these without placing the wrong order is maddening. My accent has also made ordering from these stupid things a chore, because I am often misunderstood - my personal best was five attempts to order a coke
After one innocuous act of recklessness a week ago, I had a moderate anxiety attack Friday night. As a result, I have been frequently achy, constantly fatigued, and drained of passion. I just can’t find the will to write in this condition, even though I know there is technically nothing wrong with me.
Development of future chapters will be slowed down for a little while. At least until my psyche shakes this off.
Back again! And I am very glad to say that my mental state has improved beyond belief. My counseling is going very well. I have had no suicidal thoughts for months. Homicidal thoughts are still there, but they are much less frequent.
I have fantastic friends who are always there to support me. And I am happy.
But that's not to say I'm not still having problems. I am very depressed (I'm taking serotonin, a dose of 100mg as of now) and very anxious.
I was in the basement singing karaoke which I love to do, and calms me down, when my dad screamed from the other room for me to stop. It hurt and it makes me feel like I'm a bad singer even though I know I have a great voice and it's just my dad being stubborn and not caring about other people. Anything similar happen to you guys?
why did I decide to make a comment based story when:
a: reading comments makes me anxious because my brain is convinced that they'll be mean
2: i barely have any readers so all the suggestions come from 2 or three people
iii: I keep getting the urge to write self indulgent content that appeals only to me like the two other people who have the months worth of context to even care
why am I even writing this blog
anxiety sucks
Apparently I can't vent. Apparently I'm not allowed to not be happy. Apparently I'm supposed to ignore my shortening breaths and lightheadedness and tight throat and I'm supposed to put on a fake smile for the Internet and say I'm ok. But I don't wanna do that.
So to begin, I'd like to give a bit of an educational background.
There's a huge difference between depression and anxiety the adjectives, and depression and anxiety the disorder.
When you hear depression or anxiety, you may think "Sad or anxious". Yeah, those are nowhere close. I'm sure there are plenty of self-diagnosed people who may or may not be right. However, you're not a doctor so please don't try to guess which one it is.
Guys, I do have a confession to make! I have Depression and Anxiety Disorders, despite that I have mild autism.
So somepony might ask me about Cozy's anxiety in the new chapter I'm writing. They may want to know why is this happening now and it wasn't before? Well that's the thing about dysphoria or any anxiety really. It never comes all at once. It always needs time to ferment in the mind. And so now, 32 days after she was unfrozen from stone, Cozy is beginning to realize the ramifications of what she had done. And she doesn't like it!
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I don't know how to explain it... I guess It feels like emptiness mixed with loneliness. It's like I'm missing something in my life. Today I went to work, feeling alright. I was talking to my Co workers and everything was fine, But right when I got home, All these feels started to get to me for some reason. I also don't feel like doing what I love everyday when I get home from work(Video games, Youtube.) I'm just not feelin' it tonight I guess. It feels like I need to cry, but I don't...
I take one breath, slowl but shallow, than an other, and an other, my breathing becoming quicker and quicker as I still don't feel any air passing down into my lungs, my desparation growing bigger as the feeling that I can't breath spread through my body.
Finally I stop. After a few moments, I try again. I take a deep, slow breath that is in reality shallow, but it feel deep as I finally feel the air filling my lungs again.
It's still not over.
I like to try finding someone/some people to talk to or that I know I can turn to for company (Maybe even by the 1 in a million chance, a girlfriend), the problem with that is the fact that I'm incredibly introverted; I kinda have a hard time listening, plus I can never really find anything to talk about other than my interests to others and barely anyone in my area share the same interests as me resulting in it being incredibly hard to hold a conversation with someone i'm trying to meet for
This is the thousandth time I've tried to write a blog post about anything, I always write miles of words and give up and delete it. Every other time was going to be about fic related topics. This time I'm going to vent.
So, hi, I'm an incredibly socially anxious person. This past week has reminded me of that to an extremely uncomfortable amount. I spent two hours straight sobbing out loud in my room like the adult I am a few hours ago.
Every day, whenever things relating to LGBTism are brought up, I find myself caught in ridiculous scandals that often seem to result in me taking the brunt of it all. People on here express their hatred of me, they immediately side with those I’m opposing, and they don’t even take the time to let me tell my side of the story or get to know me better as a person!
Spent a good portion of the day reviewing my writing guides and adding more notes to my story notes.
And damn it, I wish I had more time.
I've written at least 12 more pages of notes for review and planning, and I want to get so much more jotted down before the challenge starts.
I have been looking forward to writing this project for so long, now that it's only a few days away, I'm trembling with anxiety. I'm so excited to be finally starting this project which will be a major step forward in my "writing" career. After this, I only have one more big story that I feel that I "must" write before I can ever move on to bigger things.
So for the last two hours I have been constantly looking to see if my first fanfic in over three years was been accepted. Now it is past midnight and I have to get up early to go to church ( ugh ), and I probably won't go and sleep until it is accepted. I worried that no one is going to like it or no one is going to even be interested by it. Its pretty much how I feel before presenting an essay at school, I know its going to be fine, but I'm still worried. I already have the story all planed