A vent · 2:02am Sep 10th, 2022
This is the thousandth time I've tried to write a blog post about anything, I always write miles of words and give up and delete it. Every other time was going to be about fic related topics. This time I'm going to vent.
So, hi, I'm an incredibly socially anxious person. This past week has reminded me of that to an extremely uncomfortable amount. I spent two hours straight sobbing out loud in my room like the adult I am a few hours ago.
I really like myself, I really like people, and I really like the concept of being social. And today was a good day. At least, it was up until I had to work with a group on something. I didn't say a word for an hour and thirty minutes. I didn't do a thing. I could go on and on trying to explain why, but I'm just so tired of explaining it. I'm so tired of trying to make it make sense to myself. It doesn't matter why because I couldn't. Instead, I held back tears and just tried not to get in anyone's way. I want to say it was the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me, but that would be a lie because this exact thing has happened before. Several times. And at this rate, it looks like this is going to keep happening.
The other week, I watched two people ask each other's names. It sounds stupid, but I can't get it out of my head. It was so voluntary and optimistic and EASY. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I could never, ever, ever do that. There shouldn't be anything scary about it; In fact, there isn't. It should be easy. It could be easy. But it isn't for me. And it is for them. And it isn't for me.
Maybe I was so effected by today because the last time something this bad happened, I was still a kid. Now I'm adult. I'm an adult and I still can't ask somebody their name. I still can't do any of the things I want to do. I still can't say any of the things I want to say. I want to say a million things, everyday. To a hundred people. I want to make people happy. I want to be able to make a person feel safe around me.
This week, I threw myself into a Speech club. I introduced myself. I was trembling and crying by the end of it, but I did it because of how badly I wanted and needed to do it, and then everyone was so kind to me. They assured me I was meant to be there. They told me I could go at my own pace. It was amazing.
Today wasn't. Today wasn't and today is going to happen again. I can't keep doing this. I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. I can't I don't know how. I can't. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't. I don't want to.
At least I'm not suicidal yet. I don't know how I'm not. It almost feels like I should be. I don't want next week to come. I don't want tomorrow to come. I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
Thanks for listening.
~Hugs~
Been there, done that. In my 50s now. Still doing it. You are you, you are not them. Trying to be them will only make you unhappy. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, just as you are. I know who I am now, and there is peace and contentment in that. It will always be frustrating that I cannot do the things that they do with ease, but I have learned to be content with the things I can do, many of which they cannot do easily or at all. You will never be good at being them, but you can become the best in the world at being you. It will never be easy, but it is doable.
You're going through tough shit =(
I can recommend books, discord servers and supportive subreddits if you like. DM me. (Though no pressure if that's too hard for you. It's ok. I get it. Don't beat yourself up.)
I've been through shit myself. It's something I'm trying to explore with my writing.