• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen 34 minutes ago

An Intricate Disguise


Selling out has never felt so dirty. (Patreon!)

More Blog Posts93

  • 8 weeks
    None of This Gets Any Easier...

    Hey, guys... Things have gotten to the point where they're pretty drastic. Not gonna beat around the bush here, just coming in hot with the truth. Life's really difficult, I feel terrible, and things feel like they've gotten to a point that I won't be able to climb out of alone.

    Read More

    25 comments · 1,123 views
  • 18 weeks
    Signal Boost for B_25

    Hey gang, wish this was a story update coming to you right now but I've got one in the works so keep your eyes peeled—however I've noticed my friend B falling into dire straits over the last couple months and after he's helped me multiple times in the past with my own issues, I thought it only fitting I give a shout out to him when he's having trouble.

    Read More

    7 comments · 567 views
  • 28 weeks
    A Reading of Giantdad with B_25 and Greyson, Along with a Short Addendum

    Hey guys, hope everyone's enjoying their early 2021 and had a great new years!

    Read More

    2 comments · 386 views
  • 30 weeks
    Immediate Christmas Style Need for Help

    Writing this while slightly inebriated so it may not be publish-perfect, but my ideal Christmas has just taken more than a few steps downhill and I could really use a hand...

    the short version is that my dad threatened to attack me and I cried tonight.

    Read More

    19 comments · 844 views
  • 32 weeks
    Fighting Depression and Stress: The 'I'm Fucking BACK' Edition

    Yup yup, you read it right, I'm actually returning to this website, finally! It's been so much of a mental battle and uphill climb to get to this point after what was easily the worst and most potent burnout period and financial stress of my life, but I can safely say at this point that I'm beginning to see a way to get back on the horse, but it involves all of you.

    Read More

    32 comments · 2,263 views
May
30th
2021

None of This Gets Any Easier... · 8:04pm May 30th

Hey, guys... Things have gotten to the point where they're pretty drastic. Not gonna beat around the bush here, just coming in hot with the truth. Life's really difficult, I feel terrible, and things feel like they've gotten to a point that I won't be able to climb out of alone.

It's to the point where I'm beginning to sell my possessions. Not fun. I hate that I have to do it, but I feel like I need to reach out to you all...

I feel pretty pathetic. I don't write much. I don't fulfil the promises I make regarding the site; I don't make any significant progress with anything that I do, including my attempt over the last year to start getting set up on Kindle. I am constantly dodging responsibilities, or skipping out on friends, or finding any excuse to be alone, introverted, and feeling like shit, and then wonder why I feel like shit.

I wish there was any rational thought or behaviour behind the way I act. When I look at it in isolation and identify each thing I do, it's ridiculous. I know that I'm so much better than this, surely?

But then when I live it, I can't bring myself to do even basic things half the time. Full disclosure, I've only recently started eating properly again, after two to three months of consuming 500-1000 calories a day. I'm glad I can bring myself to eat now, but there's still plenty of essential things to my health and happiness that I'm not doing.

And it's not just the money issue hanging over my head (though that really doesn't help matters), it's everything else as well. Relationship issues, motivational issues, self-image problems. All of this shit is the driving force behind the swell of negative emotions that ensconces me day in and out. The (very) few people I've actually remained in close contact with are likely so sick of saying the same things to me over and over in order to break this negative and self-destructive behavioural cycle. I'd be sick of me.

The truth is, making these blogs doesn't permanently fix my situation. Hasn't before, and unless this one happens to be wildly successful, it won't now, but it can give me breathing room, and honestly, these have saved us from utter destitution a couple of times, for which I'm eternally grateful... Me and my family still have crippling financial issues that result from being indebted working class with no extended family in a single parent household, and for the fact I'm here now saying I've gotten to the point where I've started to sell off my (very limited) possessions?

I hate that. I hate that so much. It's almost as much of a point of pride sacrifice as writing a blog like this. Of the few luxuries I've ever bought myself, I can say at least that I worked hard for them, they're sentimental reminders of the time I spent honing my craft and becoming a writer that people wanted to pay to carry on creating.

And now I'm having to start getting rid of them. And a piece of my self-respect is tied to those material things.

And I still can't bring myself to work efficiently... Sometimes I worry that I might just be lazy. That makes me feel like a piece of shit, the idea that I'm simply just too fucking slothful to actually work, and that I'm using my mental health and my stressful living situation as some kind of excuse and justification. A better man gets through this and gets on with his shit, surely? My mind is a swirling miasma of self-deprecation, 'how dare you ask for help who the fuck are you to deserve it everyone's sick of you you don't even write why the hell would you ever expect anyone to help you all you ever do is talk about getting better and you never do you're fucking useless and can't handle your own shit' etc etc.

UK's lockdown has been particularly nasty. Been over a year since I've actually been anywhere, other than my dad's, and anyone who keeps up with my blogs knows how that went. I've been going utterly crazy. I miss the beach, cafes, social activities, the pub, or just going somewhere public in general. Sometimes I feel like the four walls of my little bedroom are very slowly eating away at me.

I dunno. I do actually do more than the average site user sees. I've made it a personal policy not to release every incomplete 1-2 chapter concept that comes into my head anymore, because it's shit to put things out that'll probably never get finished. I try to work on writing things that are a bit more substantial before I even think about hitting publish now. That results in less coming out, especially lately, but I'm hoping it'll end up being worthwhile in the end. A big part of me really wants to carry on going and get somewhere as a writer...


I don't really know what else to say regarding this, and I truly am sorry about that. I'm depressed and have been for a while, I feel like I've failed myself and those around me, I feel tired every single day, and like I'm constantly being crushed by the pressures around me that I put on myself. I slack on commission work. I slack on sleeping and eating and getting out of bed half the time though, so it's hardly any shock.

I'm stressed. I argue at home, I argue with friends, I find myself not wanting to move, or think, or do anything for hours on end sometimes. Finding the motivation to even participate in recreational activities is difficult now, since I equate it to slacking or doing something useless. I'm finding it incredibly hard to relax day to day.

I don't know. I could use with monetary assistance, as usual, because I'm completely broke and somehow mum's gone through the money I gave her for the coming month already and I kinda wanna stop with the trend of selling my limited things early before I run out of things to sell?

That'd be nice.



I'm not gonna sit here and beg you to help simply because I can't bring myself to. If you want to help me out, just know it's greatly appreciated and would likely help immensely. I'm not really sure what to set as a goal but everything helps, honestly, so if you happen to be a passing horse-sugardaddy, I won't refuse you.

It's not just general living costs that are screwing me and the family up, though the aforementioned selling and other desperate measures came from a situation a week or two back where we literally couldn't afford to food shop otherwise, and I didn't know who I could ask for help or even admit this level of severity to. There's other things. Mum owes a couple of grand to a catalogue and is due for a court appearance regarding it at some point, we have racked up credit card bills between us (our combined credit score is probably in the negatives. Is that a thing?), I need a new bed—my current one has been falling apart for a while. I haven't gotten to do something like a proper clothes shop in years. You get the idea. There's a lot to list, and I don't think people exactly want ten paragraphs on all of the things me and my family can't properly afford or owe to someone or other.

If anyone's able to help with any of this, know that at the very least you'd be keeping me in the ring for a while longer.

But just knowing someone cares helps as well. A comment is just as appreciated as a donation, or maybe sharing this, but I don't know if this should even be shared... I'm not even sure who would want to share it, I'm so far removed from the community these days that most have probably forgotten I exist, and I couldn't blame them one bit for that, seeing as it's my fault.

Maybe someone has some advice I haven't heard before? Maybe I'm just craving attention and validation because I don't feel as if I get enough of it in my own life, partially because I push away the people who give it freely and chase those that shun and neglect me—okay I'll stop monologuing sorry. No one wants to hear this shit.

The point is, anything helps. Sorry about this. I'm embarrassed by this and embarrassed by myself. I'll fix the goal in a bit, most likely.

It makes me feel just that little bit more pathetic to realise that one of the only things that can help me to actively reach out to others is utter desperation, no matter how much I might wanna do it in 'happier' moods. And to think that on top of that, this is the only real place I can go right now to have an audience to speak my mind and ask for help.

At least you guys are lovely people and I can trust you to listen and not judge, and maybe even to help somehow. I've always heavily believed that self-belief is so influenced by whether anyone can believe in you.

No pressure. Apologies to anyone I've ever left waiting on anything. I don't know, I need to stop talking or this blog will never end. This thing isn't well-structured at all.


Thanks for reading and listening. Thanks for the PM's I get about when 'x' and 'y' are updating, it reminds me that people still remember my work. Thanks for the comments and the patience and the thoughts that've been sent my way up until now. Thank you for supporting me. I have no words to express my gratitude as to how wonderful this community can be when it comes together.

Took me a while to work up the courage to be ready to hit the post button. It might take me a little time to work through replies, even writing this out is really overwhelming. Thank you for your time, your patience, your understanding, your care, and your grace. Much love to all of you.

PS. Fuck it, I'll actually make a commitment on something for once. Biggest contributor (assuming a minimum limit is met!) gets to choose an incomplete story of mine and I'll actually finish it. Let's find an excuse to get something done, maybe it'll make me happy. Ko-Fi link one more time for ease of access.

Comments ( 25 )

Don't you hate reading these? I hate it. I'll bet so many people are sick of it. Yeah, I guess I couldn't stop rambling. I dunno, you do something like this once or twice, it's alright, but you get to a third time in the space of three years that you're having to ask people for help and it's...

Why are you so inefficient at handling your own shit? Why can't you make your own life better? Why are you relying on others to help you? These thoughts are so pervasive, I've given up on them ever going away. But I can at least try to carry on knuckling down and working through it, bit by bit.

I'm sorry to anyone that seeing another one of these annoys or offends. If it irritates you, I totally understand, and please feel free to take it up with me privately if you'd like to. As for anyone who isn't annoyed or offended, I appreciate your patience with me, very, very much. There are so many good people on this site and I feel blessed to have been able to write for them.

Comment posted by TheAllSeeingEye deleted May 31st

Don't you dare apologize to us. No one should ever have to go through the shit you are dealing with, and try to keep writing pony words at the same time. We've all got your back, no matter how much time you need, we'll be there. I promise. You are not alone!

I wish there was some simple advice to give that would help you out of your depression, but unfortunately the best I can do is tell you that you do have people who care about your well being and life, and that there's nothing wrong with prioritizing personal matters before writing pony porn.

You don't have to feel guilty about asking for help.

I'm sure you've heard this by now, but you need to seek medical help for depression right away. Medication can make a world of difference, but it takes time and you may need to try several kinds before you find something that works. Talk therapy is also useful but you should be taking meds.

I'll boost your post.

Do I hate seeing posts like these? Yes. But not because of this notion that I'm simply sick of seeing this type of post. It's because I hate knowing good folk are going through such tough times, and on top of that there's so little I can do to help.

Your stories have provided me with a great deal of entertainment and cheer. Your sense of humor found its way in to everything you wrote and was absolutely infectious. I truly wish I could do more than offer some words of encouragement to help you out.

Just know that there's plenty of people out there who read these and don't get annoyed like you seem to think. We care, and want the best for you. Unfortunately far too often, situations aren't much better for many like myself and we just don't have the ability to help out in any other way.

Truly though I hope things can start getting better for you, the lock downs and restrictions have devestated so many people and upset the social balance of basically everyone... Hopefully this is starting to come to a close with vaccines finally gaining solid traction. I think getting life back to a sense of normalcy will be a huge boon to your and many MANY others moods.

Lots of people out there care, even total strangers sometimes.

Aburi #7 · May 30th · · ·

Sometimes life decides to take a giant crap on a person. And its not fair. I can only image that the lockdowns make it exponentially worse.

All I can say is I hope you can hold on. And remember that there are people here that care for you, even if it's only through the lense of your work.

I'll be donating, and I hope it helps some. Even if you never share another story, you have already given us countless hours of joy. It's an honor to be able to give some back.

Hang in there mate! Love ya works (Sry at work, can't write more)

5527341
You have a wonderful mentality: I wish I could think like this more often. Thanks very much for the kind words, it's awfully appreciated. You're a good person.


5527361
I absolutely hate that there are other people out there who are also going through horrible times. It makes me feel absolutely terrible about even asking others for help or reaching out, when I'm blessed to have a community of followers, kind people, and even a few wonderful friends who are able to help me get through things, when I can actually bring myself to say anything.

You're helping me just by sharing your experience with me, it reminds me that once I'm out of this funk, I wanna get back to helping others to get out of theirs. I've always been the kind of person that likes to pay forward the kindness they receive, after all.

5527365
You'd think that after having done it already you'd become adjusted to it, or lose shame. Unfortunately, those things don't seem to happen. If anything, it compounds and gets even harder to reach out.

the best I can do is tell you that you do have people who care about your well being and life

I know this is true, as well. I'm blessed in this sense, and I really don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for the fact that there are still people who care, even if I pull myself away from them constantly. People like you clearly care as well, when you take the time to write out a comment like this, and I appreciate you greatly for that. Us pony porn writers have gotta stick together in solidarity, huh? Thanks very much for the message, it's incredibly appreciated.


5527370
I've put it off for so long. I stopped taking my medication over a year ago and then the process for getting to talk to a doctor was so difficult over here due to Covid that eventually I just stopped trying and accepted this feeling as my reality. Now it's difficult to pull myself out of this funk for long enough to simply look for professional help, let alone stick with it. I've had two people that are close to me tell me that they think therapy would do me a world of good, and I know that being off my SSRI's has definitely had a negative effect on me. You're right, it's something I need to fix, and I appreciate you being blunt about it, very, very much.

I also incredibly appreciate the signal boost, if you're able. You're a good pe— you're a good pony, Trick.

Hope you know that.

Hey.

Hold on.

:derpytongue2:

5527374
I wish I had some long, profound response to this but I want you to know that this:

Your stories have provided me with a great deal of entertainment and cheer. Your sense of humor found its way in to everything you wrote and was absolutely infectious.

This is one of the most lovely, heartfelt, and genuine compliments I've received in recent memory, I'm incredibly grateful and humbled that you'd think such a thing! Thank you ever so much for sharing that opinion, it's made my night easier...

I'm glad you don't get annoyed. I'm glad to hear that some others might not, too. I find you all to be astoundingly patient, but maybe I struggle to look at things objectively. Either way, thank you. You're brilliant!

5527375

This is absolutely lovely, and I want you to know I'll always appreciate you, dude. I do want to be able to share more, but the concept that it's 'giving back' is such a crazy notion to me, I suppose, as I never considered myself to be giving anything in the first place, just enjoying my craft. But I suppose now when I look back, there's 600,000 words of content on this account alone and I sometimes forget that. Thanks for reminding me that I have done quite a bit. It helps a lot. And thanks for the monetary assistance! Does more than you could possibly imagine.

5527376

Thank you, and it's no problem! Awfully appreciate you taking the time to comment, it's wonderful of you to do so!

5527402

Hey, Archonix. Holding on is what I've been trying my best to do! Nice to see you here though, I know you've cared and looked out for me in multiple ways in the past and I just wanna let you know I appreciate you. You're awesome.

5527377
Ponies (MLP version) are people, and I'm more of a wolf than a pony, but sentiment appreciated. :pinkiesmile: Best of luck.

I noticed that a significant portion of your trouble is multiple financial debts. Have you considered taking out a consolidation loan? I know quite a few people who have used it in order to reduce the amount of interest that has to be paid. I hope that this is a new option that could work for you.

Hey

You’re the best. I want you to know that.

You write stories that entertain and make people feel. This is actually one of my favorites

[Adult story embed hidden]

I’m going as far as to say you’re one of my influences to get into writing here on Fimfiction. If you can write a great story whose to say you can’t face the fucked shit that’s against you.

sykko #15 · May 31st · · ·

I sympathize with ya man. On Wednesday, my parents home went up in flames. Because of their health, I had been staying with them. They lost everything and I lost nearly everything. 2021 can go fuck itself in the same hole as 2020.

Never a bad thing to ask for help. Hope things get better for you my mans.

If you aren’t already, get yourself checked into a psychiatrists office and get help. I’m pretty sure you check off a most of the boxes for clinical depression which doesn’t magically go away on its own or is something that can be solved by “toughing” through it. You’re in the UK right? So the visit should be free even if it takes time to get to you.

Any thoughts of self harm check yourself into the ED. Worst case you expedite yourself an appointment with someone who can help you.


Are there any social workers who could find you guys financial assistance programs (or additional programs if you’re already receiving help). I know hospitals always have a couple on site. Dunno where else you’d find them. Even in the capitalist hell that is the US you can sign up to get food if you’re struggling that much.

i know many have said this already, but I'd really recommend seeing a mental health expert. They won't fix all your problems with a snap of their fingers, but they can help. And there's no need to apologize for being depressed. We understand. I'll boost this and hopefully that helps. :twilightsmile:

Good luck.

That inner voice sounds familiar... I'm going to assume that you already know that it's full of shit and doesn't have your best interests at heart, so I'm not going to elaborate on that. Financial pressure and the pandemic certainly don't help with fighting depression.

I've enjoyed your stories quite a bit and they've made my days a little brighter - thank you for sharing them with the world! I'm happy to show my appreciation on Ko-Fi, especially now; it looks like a lot of people are pitching in and hitting your goal may well happen sooner than later. I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Dang I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. For some reason over half of my favorite writers on this site are in some financial or emotional difficulties. I've talked to one or two on discord and their reality is just.....jarring. That makes me sad.

TL;DR: You are every bit as entitled to help as someone who is motivated in life. I'm offering mine in the form of words.


Alright Disguise, I read and reread the entire blog and have much to say. This will definitely be my longest comment. You likely already know some of this, or it's been said, just know that I'm not trying to condescend, I'm building to a point, I'm just a bit un-graceful. Let's start from the beginning.

I feel terrible, and things feel like they've gotten to a point that I won't be able to climb out of alone.

You likely won't. We like to think of ourselves as people who should be able to stand on our own two feet; we should be able to get a job, pursue our interests, ect. The reality is that we are a social species and having little to no support network is about as crippling as losing a foot.

But then when I live it...

In regards to this and the prior paragraphs: it is pretty tough, isn't it?

So many things you want to do, so many actions that would just go towards fixing the void that is your motivation. The problem is that it may be too much all at once, so if I may offer some advice: When you wake up, name everything good in your life.

Sometimes I feel like the four walls of my little bedroom are very slowly eating away at me.

You have a bed to sleep in.

I do actually do more than the average site user sees.

And I thought you had no motivation.

Also later on you mention mom, you still have family. It's hard to pick up life all at once so start with this in the morning.

I'm not gonna sit here and beg you to help simply because I can't bring myself to.

First off, already hit the link.
Second, you already are. You gave us your sob story and asked for money.
Third, what's wrong with that? Going back to the first point I made we are social. We need help in daily life, even if it is just hearing "How have you been?" from someone to show they care. Why, out of seven billion people, are you not allowed to ask for help? It's not selfish or something to be embarrassed about.

...I'm so far removed from the community these days that most have probably forgotten I exist...

Yes, the empty comments section is a clear indication of that.

It makes me feel just that little bit more pathetic to realise that one of the only things that can help me to actively reach out to others is utter desperation, no matter how much I might wanna do it in 'happier' moods.

"Those who are well do not go to see a doctor, only those who are sick. - Jesus Christ. So you're not the type to reach out normally, so what? I'm a lurker on this site and it's one I frequent, my online "pub" if you will. No reason to feel bad about that, we're all different after all.

Apologies to anyone I've ever left waiting on anything.

Well I am still waiting on Photo Shoot, but that's actually another good thing for you. One less thing from you that's been forgotten.


My point is you are a person, with all our flaws, and have every right to ask for help. Don't be embarrassed or sorry; if we were drowning you wouldn't come up to the surface and go back down to get me without taking a breath first. It's not selfish or bad it's critical.

And people want to help so don't feel like you're burdening us, humans like helping other humans, the only difference is some figured out they could get paid for it. On that note...

I do agree that you need professional help, but I know from experience how hard it can be to get it. These blogs are a good balm. If you need someone to just unload to find someone here, most of us won't judge (and you saw that the one guy who was a jerk got yelled at in the comments).

I hope this helps. Have a smile. :pinkiehappy:

I'm going to say things out of complete ignorance, so I apologize ahead of time. First off, you are of near-infinite worth. You are. Your mind might scream that "he doesn't know me, or he wouldn't say that," but you're wrong. Very wrong. You are a human being and therefore deserving of love.

Second, I wish I had good advice for you but your lack of funds probably gets in the way. My immediate thought is "therapy and medication," but how to pay?

My next advice is even riskier, and that is check yourself in to a psychiatric hospital. It may seem like a horrible low point, but there are people who are there to help people just like you and even offer advice or get you into contact with people who could help you outside. I haven't read your previous blogs, so if others have said this and my previous statements, then I apologize.

Lastly, look online for real life support groups. And I mean ones that meet in person. Now online ones are great, but you need to get out of your comfort zone. WAY out. A group of people who meet who suffer from similar issues are of immense help, not just 12 step groups though those are magnificent when you dive in deep.

I'll quote a line from of my favorite bands: "the procrastination paralyzing me, wanting me dead. These obsessions that keep haunting me won't leave my head." This stuff in your head is an Adversary. If the depression gets its way, you die. I' going to say something that I have to do everyday and is SO easy to say but SO hard to do: do the opposite of your impulses. I have learned that when my mind says "don't talk to people" then I NEED to call or text someone. If I get "say inside and don't go outdoors" I need to go for a walk.

Lastly, cause now I'm yammering on and on, do little exercises. I do push ups. Like start with 10. Or 5 or 3 or one. And after you do one, do another one. Even a little start begins to give energy. I set a goal to do 100 push-ups in a day, and I spread it out in sets of 10, which take like a minute. Then sets of 25. Then I upped it to 200. And I had to do it before I went to bed. It improves your mood. I still take medication, but that does not cure, only helps me see through the lies in my head better.

A wise man said to me once, if you're stuck in your head, you're behind enemy lines." Think about it. Bouncing ideas off yourself leads to pain. A human voice of a caring individual is glorious.

And


Learn


To


Take


Compliments


Because you're worth it! All of it! And more!

(Also most of this advice is also found in my fanfic in some way, shape or form. See? Even I am a shallow nincompoop at the end of the day. But I'm human. Don't gate yourself for being human. You say to yourself "You idiot!" but the honest truth is that it's really translated as "how DARE you be perfectly human." I'm finally done.)

I had an interesting way of dealing with depression, the way I thought of it, it was a voice in my head, but it wasn't me, was it a demon? My malice that I never showed anyone else, falling inward and trying to kill me for not letting it out? Whatever it was, it felt alive, and malicious, it was powered by anger, and got angrier the more you tried to get out of it, so the best way to get out of it is make it think you are going along with it. What I did, and this sounds pretty backwards, is put fake thoughts in the front of my mind saying bad things about myself, but I never believed any of it at all, and because they didn't come from the depression, they didn't have the same effects, but it made my depression take a break, thinking that it was getting a hold of me without any of it's intervention, but you need to translate to it slowly, or it will know what you are doing. I acted on the outside how I pretended to feel on the inside, but the way I really felt inside was really deep, it was a waiting game, most of my conscious thinking was going to trying to smother me, and only my subconscious was left unaffected, I had to leave zero hints and no trail or it would see an opportunity, trying to get out of depression in the conventional way just gives the depression more of a chance to smother you, if you try to get out, you are stuck for a short period in a vulnerable state, in which case if it strikes, you are left off in a worse case then before, by making sure it doesn't even know what you are doing, it can't find this vulnerable state. By thinking of my depression as someone trying to smother me as well, it made me work harder to get out of it, because I had someone to work against, and not myself.

So no, you are not lazy, demons just noticed your potential and are trying to smother it before it can do anything, if you really focus on it it feels like they are grabbing your thoughts and ripping it away, it's freaky.

Another thing I did, was that I made the smallest thing I did feel like a crime to me in my head, because your depression is the embodiment of the feeling that you just want to tear the world down, so by, for example, not cleaning the dishes, I am murdering my neighbors cat, that made my depression very happy, and it left me alone. by doing more and more not crimes that felt like crimes, and pretending to think badly of myself but actually feeling great, my depression felt like it won, and at the point it realized what I was doing it was too weak and lazy to face my full frontal assault and I suppressed it under a million mental barriers until it fell in a medical coma.

Now the importance of not leaving a trail is extreme, since it is in your head, you have to kind of have double think and hide your own true thoughts from yourself, because you are trying to misdirect a mind reader who is a violent psychopath that finds enjoyment in your misery, the more it suspects, the less chance you will have of getting yourself out of your depression because it will have already learned your tricks, you will only have so many times to use this trick before it will completely fail. If you feel like you can't maintain it, then just don't try, as you get better at it you can disguise your good feelings that it senses as relapses into happiness, which it will then try to squash, let it squash these feelings, pretend you are powerless to stop it, it wont suspect a thing, you will have a build up of good feeling behind it that will be behind a mental barrier it can't see.

So fighting depression is like violent psychopathic mind reading ghost aliens from hell.

Another important thing, it might be pretty hard for you to apply it at first because the depression sounds like it was around for a while, but, really, anything can be recreational, and a part of depression is feeling like you aren't getting a break, so what if you decided to put that same energy you used to have fun in what is meant to be recreational, into things that you are physically forced to do each and everyday against your will. Since this requires energy, it is very hard to do while under a depression, but on the good side, if you ever feel good, you will know the first thing you should do is appreciate the art of performing useless and menial tasks that no one cares about, so that next time depression strikes it will be less like the world is siding against you since the world is ever so good at not giving you your own choices, that is to say, like what you don't like, and don't like what you like, because what people like are recreational and useless, and people will physically force you to be useful.

Oh, and also, don't go to a hospital for mental health unless you have studied it first, there still very backwards and immoral institutions and it is more likely a way to keep you locked away from society then helping you, they are often the cause that desperate people want to commit suicide, and in my case they almost killed me, they put you on zombie drugs you see, and I barely had the strength to close my eyelids at night, and eating without throwing up was a difficult task, especially pressing due to the fact you were only allowed to have so much food, if I didn't eat as carefully as I did I really could have gone hungry.

But then again I'm in America, so that's probably not normal, you think Covid is bad, wait until you are locked into a tiny little box all day with no books, tv, computers, or anything, they are physically against giving people any kind of access to the outside world, I tried to get my mom to read me books over the phone, and my saving grace was finding a clock that they didn't know also worked as a radio, also, the cracks on the wall were pretty, could look at them for hours in the right mental condition, staring at cracks on the wall really made me happy, because I decided they were supposed to make me happy.

It's really funny, it turns out once they looked at me half of the mental disorders they thought I had didn't exist.

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