Ten years ago today · 5:43pm May 4th, 2023
Just some thoughts.
* Someone's been waiting to pull out 'Ten years? I've been ignoring your stuff since I came on the site! You're old!' Right: because you've been waiting the whole thing out in a frozen temporal pocket and haven't aged a day. (Happily, that's kept your material just as stale as ever.) You're old. Deal with it.
* Basically, it's taken me 192 stories to achieve a tiny fraction of what Kkat managed with three.
* Yes, I posted Chapter One on Day One. This has since pissed a lot of people off and been widely acknowledged as a bad move.
* There's been times when I've tried to picture where I'd be right now if I hadn't come onto the site. I can safely say this: I wouldn't be published. Prior to signing on, I'd had an extended period of not having written at all because... I'd pretty much given up. There had been an attempt to get something created, anything, and... well, let's just say the audience wasn't there. And if they had been there, they weren't looking for what I had to offer. And there's a chance they didn't exist. The show gave me an idea, or at least let me pretend I was exploring someone else's. And from that came...
...ten years.
The joke usually goes 'I thought I'd be dead by now.' The realistic version is that without the site, if everything else had worked out the same way... I don't know where I'd be. 'Dead in a ditch' might be an overstatement. 'Homeless' feels like it's on the table for tomorrow on out. Scraping by? Possibly. But I went through a lot over that time, and... I would have been considerably more alone.
* Supposedly tens of people have used their one shot at the time travel spell to go back and demand that Knighty ban me on Day One. This either demonstrates the futility of tampering with the past or just indicates that the spell doesn't actually work.
I can't look at that blog without starting to cry. Every day as the worst day until the last day -- but if you want to truly mark the start of nightmare, there it is.
(She's been dead for more than two years.)
It was also the day when I learned that it was possible to scream and have someone hear me.
That's the part I still have trouble hanging onto.
I wouldn't have come through without...
* If you're willing to believe some of what supposedly gets said offsite, then within the fandom, I seem to exist in this odd juxtaposition state where no one knows who I am, but most of the population hates me. (So I'm divisive and unknown at the same time.) Reportedly, I show up on some sort of fanfic primer starter set, and that just means there were -- two? Six? -- people who felt those stories should be there. And simultaneously, I run off at the keyboard too much, I overwrite, it's clear to everyone that I've never actually watched the show, I'm the single worst person in the community and I'd like to remind you that this means I supersede a few who are doing jail time, plus whoever went after people with a sword.
There's probably more than this, but... the reality is in a line I've pulled out a few times: there's no such thing as universal acceptance. I have my defenders and detractors. It's rare for anyone to change camps. And when it comes to looking for what people think... it's not always healthy.
Besides, I can bash myself better than they ever could.
Amateurs.
* Well, you knew the sponsorship and tip stuff was going to show up somewhere. I hardly want to disappoint you.
Here's the Patreon link. This is the Ko-Fi link, and the drive for Galacon is still on -- with some sort of finish line in theoretical sight. (It's a good day for celebration, right?) Also, if anyone wants to send me a tenth anniversary postcard, the address for my postal dropbox is pinned within #p-o-unboxing in the chat server. (The Amazon wishlist link is also there. I really need to update the contents.) I checked the traditional gift for a 10th and it's either tin for a wedding or diamond for a ring. And having said that, I am now expecting at least one can and an optional Ring Pop. No blue raspberry, please.
* I am more fortunate than most, and likely luckier than I strictly deserve.
* I don't feel as if the site would really be any different without me. Or the fandom, or anything else. Because I still believe the following: that for any value of Horsefame where 'Horsefame' must be quantified, then Horsefame=0. Well over 99.999% of all the people who've ever passed through MLP have never heard of any 'Estee', and that's not going to change. There's been times when I've measured my recognition as a percentage of a given YouTuber's subscriber count. I currently come in at 8.005763688760807e-5 Markiplier.
Georg would have created his own police chief.
* What a long strange trip it's been...
* There's a joke in the community which claims the journey of any long-time member inevitably ends at a choice of two destinations: Trans or Nazi.
It's not gonna be Nazi.
I hold out faint hope for reincarnation.
Given the proper results on any return trip, you could possibly call that Trans The Hard Way.
* The site wouldn't be any different without me. But... would anyone else?
Has my presence meant anything?
I've been present during too many attempts at suicide intervention and as I've said before this, I mostly just stand and point.
(I understand how Fluttershy feels now. When it's bad... people just seem to know where to go. I can't say the success rate is much better.)
Have I made anyone think? If so, did they think differently for a moment? Reconsider an opinion, or try another point of view? Was there a laugh when someone truly needed it? I've been told that I've gut-punched a few people, but... maybe those were the cheap shots. And someone said that my stories helped bring them out of depression. There's a number of readers who would claim that when it comes to my catalog and depression, that would usually go in reverse. But there can be other ladders out.
Can I truly say that I've touched anyone's life?
It would be nice to think so. But then, it's nice to think a lot of things.
* As a fandom, we're lasting longer than most.
I still won't say it'll be a lifetime.
* In terms of my readership...
This isn't about the numbers, or the upvotes, or anything else. There's a dark joke, one with some validity to it: that there are stories which get into the Feature Box every month on a Displaced costume change and a dream, when their short descriptions have spelling errors and grammatical miscalls. Some of those stories have been going for years, and nothing is ever fixed. A few of the authors will never fix anything, and their readers don't care.
I could drop a 20K one-shot and the first five comments would be "You've got a stray 'it's' in the fourth paragraph."
Y'all are a slightly different breed. One which occasionally seems to exist in order to either watch me suffer, make me suffer or, if at all possible, go for the combo platter. At least a few of you are people for whom I'd like to invert the 'following' thing. I want you in front of me where I can keep an eye on you.
I don't really look for much of what people say about me away from this site. Not any more. (It can be very unhealthy, and... the one who basically claimed I never had a parent because I wrote about her too dramatically marked the last time I ever searched.) And it's obviously impossible to verify whatever's being discussed aloud, at conventions and the like. But... I was once told that I get the writers. Supposedly, my name's come up in discussions between them.
"That hack?"
(I do typo.)
I can't say what you look for, to have found me. It can be hard to guess why you stay, other than to watch the misery show. But...
...I'm grateful for all of you.
Usually. Because you do pull out the Torture Writer bit. Regularly.
Maybe that's just your fetish.
* Last month, I received the sort of PM for which I haven't been able to muster a reply, because... well...
(I swear I haven't altered this.)
I realized that I love your writing and worldbuilding, and firmly believe that your writing counts as literature, if not art.
But it's not for me.
It's so strange; your skill at wordsmithing is incredible, your worldbuilding is brilliant, you do character work like I've never seen before, I recognize the goodness of what you write, and yet, it's just not for me.
The longform version of the eight-word classic: "Thank you so much. But also screw you."
Also, for quite a few people, the only part of that they're going to agree with is the Screw You.
...maybe it's all just variations on "Too close."
Still being 'praised' with not-so-faint damns.
* Lucky.
I've had multiple audiobook readings. (I should chase them all down and link in a future blog, as they were originally announced when they first appeared. There's no collection post.) Pretty much every last one of them is going to have more people listening than will ever read the original work. They might outlast the original work.
There's been a little fanart. A couple of small plushies. The dropbox sees traffic, and it all surprises and amazes me -- right up until I plan revenge. (You can always send postcards.)
For today, the electric bill can be paid.
I've been to places where I never thought I'd go.
It's been a tumultuous decade. Tossed within the waves, and never quite drowned. Not yet.
I'm alive.
I'm not entirely sure I should be.
* Sometimes I look at the older stories and wonder who wrote that. Or it happens with something which got posted last week. Little snapshots in time. The past is another country, and those who reside there are strangers.
Not necessarily what the writer believes, but what they were thinking about.
Pain.
Healing.
Death.
The torment of hope.
A need to keep going on.
That dream of finding something better along the way.
And maybe, if you're truly lucky... having someone who'll travel with you.
* Ten years.
You can tell I'm American because I'm late to every fandom war. I came in during the third season.
(I did everything wrong in posting a first story. I led off with the epic. When no one knew me, or cared, or would ever notice that anything was happening at all.)
(It took me nearly 90,000 words to receive three comments.)
(I never should have gotten this far.)
I typically find out about disruptions and controversies years after the fact. If I'm not the immediate focus of the fight, then I probably don't even know that punches are being thrown.
Because in all ways, my timing has, and always will, utterly suck.
May 4th, 2013.
May 4th.
Let's face it. At least three of you saw the blog title and thought this was about Star Wars.
Strictly speaking, it might be so, but from a semi-outsider perspective, you look like a prolific author, one of the "old-school" ones, so to speak, and one of the really decent ones who really can be called a writer. Of course, such people as you can be viewed as pillars of a community of sorts.
And who is Kkat, anyway?
I'd hardly call 40% a tiny fraction.
Yes to all of them. For what it's worth, you got me to completely rethink my approach to Pinkie Pie, beginning from the person rather than the jokes. In all honestly, you shamed me into growing up with my writing by doing it so much better, and I am grateful for that.
"Should" is a strong word. I'm just grateful you're here. Here's to however many more years lay ahead.
happy anniversary, for whatever it's worth, i am one person that is happy and thankful that you are here.
Huh. Turns out you are FIMFic-older than me by just under two weeks. Happy anniversary to the both of us, I suppose. Didn't even know this milestone was coming until this blog.
You've got more than twice my number of stories and nearly 1.5x my wordcount with all the drama in your existence. I tip my hat to you in respect. Clearly I am a lazy bum who needs to get off his fat ass and put his face flat against that grindstone.
...
192 stories. And I've only reviewed three. Clearly, I have work to do. Is there a particular story you'd like me to review? I'd be more than happy to slip something into my blog as a nod to this milestone.
Happy anniversary to one of the best authors on the site!
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KKat wrote Fallout Equestria, the story that inspired a heck of a lot of others to base stories on the basic idea
You consistently write large quantities of high-quality horsewords. That is not an insignificant achievement, and I want to thank you for it.
Also -- for all of your cynicism, frustration and weariness, I believe you are a good person, with far more empathy for people in genuine need or danger than most. Please, try to believe that if you can.
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Okay. I guess I'll look it over when I have time
Well, may the 4th be with you anyways : )
And yeah, I'm old and still plan to dig into more of your works someday. Triptych was quite an experience for mine early fandom days, as I was pretty late for all that fun. It was one of the first suggestions from my even more old friends, but with some disclaimers : ) *like 'it's weird. but good. but weird'
Still, it was my entry to several of interesting things that I didn't know were possible (or perhaps were personally interesting) with fanfics. Like deconstruction of tropes and ways to rationalize show rules into worlbuilding and stuff. You weird horse writers changed my own preconceptions of what even is literature, what I like, what I don't , what inconceivable things I can enjoy in literature, all that jazz. And Triptych was one of those turn points : )
And my own bullet-list, as it seems I can't into coherent things today:
- it's kinda weird, that subjectively good and interesting books get way less attention then I think they deserve. Especially the more tangential long-form AUs. Some of them are subjectively masterpieces, including yours. Some of them has likes in two digit range.
- perhaps unsurprisingly, but the most interesting fiction is written by the most interesting persons.
- - but of course, being interesting makes you a target
- I still think that I don't like to start reading short stories
- the whole brony community is a strange thing. It shouldn't even be possible, but something about colorful ponies and over-the-top discourse about them makes y'all work
so yeah... please carry on. I wish you luck and perseverance. Your continued existence makes my life slightly more interesting : )
Sorry for my English and ramblings.
As to your writing......up until, oh, the early 90s(?), you wanted to write, you either got a publisher to pay you to do it or you wrote it yourself, paid to have physical copies made & sold them yourself at cons.
You also did it because you were employed to do it or made a living doing something else and self published as a hobby.
Plenty of exceptions but overall you were AT LEAST 30 when you first got published.
Mark Twain age 32 "The Jumping Frog of Calaveras County".
Heinlein sold his first story age 32
Arthur C Clarke age 31(? Possibly 32)
E E Doc Smith started writing "Skylark of Space" age 29 (IIRC). It wasn't published for several years
I could go on, but you get the point.
I continue coming back to this site basically for your writing. Your worlds may be sad, but they feel so real. You are an impressive writer.
I started on this site not long after you and I only have one story to my name. I am proud of it, but I doubt it will ever have 40% of the impact of anything you have written. I am okay with that, because I feel better for having written it. Setting aside your actual impact, which I think is positive and substantial, I hope you feel the same about your writing.
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Fallout: Equestria spawned an entire subfandom/subgenre within the MLP fandom. It isn't for everyone, but it was massively influential for some of us, and a rare example of a cohesive long-form story written in a relatively short period. I'd never have started writing if not for it, and probably wouldn't have remained interested in MLP at all.
Meanwhile, beyond posting my own story(ies, maybe) here, Estee is the main reason I still visit this site, among a few other exceptional authors.
Well, I can confidently state that I am not trans. So I guess that leaves the other one. Oh boy...
But then again, I'm a straight, white male. So for a given segment of the population, I'm all of the bad things, ever, just on that basis alone
.
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Cishet bronies unite! (I'm Black (Haitian-American, to be exact), but two of of three ain't bad, right?)
A surprising amount of all the fiction I've read over the years is by one MLP fanfic writer, and I regret nothing!
Thank you
Congratulations on the decade.
Your account is now as old as Ash Ketchum just setting off on his journey of discovery with an electric rat.
Unfortunatly, peiople being able to beleive in at least two things at the same time means it is possible to love the complexities and detail within a story, while disliking the overall style. Its like admiring the technicality in machining high tolerance engine parts while disliking intensely that the complexity is being used to turn fossil fuel into low efficiency motion instead of other methods.
You got frends and readers, why care what detractors say unless they start putting words into action, and then you have their own words to throw back at them with freinds and legal?
Dont worry about AI either, its only as good as learning from greats, so if the database is stuffed full of mediocraty from the start, the AI is going to be average until it learns what is good. But there are those who are average dont like that, because they dont want their creation to be better than they. Just like their biological offspring?
If they ever come up with a centeralised digital token transfer system that works like the central bank handles cash, Ill be happy to send you something. until then, theyre making bank on mine and everyone elses details, yet not paying you. Just like so many others.
If it was easy to give a coin, its amazing how quickly it can add up because it being so easy for so many to do so.
I wonder if anyones made one of those Pinkie cupcake reversable plush yet? Or Derpy Muffin etc?
Reading your stuff has changed my own work, and for the better. You've given me things to think about, and new ways to view old ideas, and that has found it's way into my own works. I have at least one idea that has had a fundamental shift thanks to your work, and if I can ever find the words to tell that story, it will be much improved because of it (I also might borrow the AU of your 'verse for that story, as it kind of just fits better there).
So yes, you've had a positive effect on me and my writing. There is a reason why I directly credited you for some of Cadence's back story in my own fics.
Congratulations, you have literate readers who notice so much!
I personally send (PM) typo fixes to some of the fimfic writers who I think are the best, because I see those people as understanding a bit of help in making their stories even closer to perfect, and as having no serious ego issues about that.
It's amazing the ignorant bullshit some people spew...not specifically about you, just in general.
Tall poppy syndrome is a big part of it, I think. Some people's skill issues in grasping that there's a real world out there with real events that are more important than their own styles of internet bullshit also seems like a big factor imho.
I know I've been in at least one conversation where a story of yours was brought up by one of fimfic's more popular and skilled writers as a 'masterclass in' how to do something. (The specific example was the first few thousand words or so of Unnoticed, although the entire story is very good, or maybe exquisite is a better word.)
I'm not sure there's anything meaningful I can add, but you've always been genuinely the most inspiring author I know -- on this site, or elsewhere. So thank you, Estee. (I left a tip on Ko-fi. Never done it before, but hopefully it worked.)
damn! :O thanks for filling ten years with awesome stories!
Hey, technically I did create my own police chief for Ponyville. He lives in the jail and watches very carefully to make sure nopony breaks the law so he doesn't have a roommate.
(Checks. Hmm, ten years ago I submitted Traveling Tutor to EqD. Ye gads, that has been a long time.)
We're grateful for you too!
Also, I'm really more of an arms and armor fetishist myself.
Oh wow.. 11 more days till my 9 years here. What a strange journey I, the fandom, and so many here have gone threw. So many lost to the March of time but not forgotten.
Strange and wonderful worlds to live in filled with a rainbow of emotions,
Thank you for joining 10 years ago.
Thank you for deciding to write.
Thank you.
That's humanity in a nutshell. They continue existing while paying no attention to what should be.
I got into pony through fanfics, and your short stories were some of the first things I read. I distinctly remember reading "Twilight Spackle" very early on, before I'd even started watching the show.
You have for me at least. I have been on this site almost as long as you and honestly, you are the only author I regularly follow and am excited to see update in any manner so yes, you have made at least one person feel something:twilight smile:
The thing about your writing, Estee, is not just that it's well executed, both in a technical sense, and in the storytelling sense, but also.... there's a mood. A weight, to your writing, i suppose, that not many writers can achieve. And, i suppose, that not all readers can appreciate. But that same mood is why I'm here, and why you're one of my favorite writers, fanfic or not. Happy anniversary :)
Hey, congratulations on the anniversary! I've honestly felt that you've enriched this site with stories, yes, but also your thoughtful and honest blogs, as well as your engagement with the community where I've seen you step up on many occasions where it might seem some of our own might be feeling like making a horrible decision. I'm glad you're around and you've been around.
Who’s Kkat? I’m more a fan of the fandom than the show, and I’m certainly a fan of you! Your updates always brighten my day even if they’re sometimes sad.
Guily as charged!
I suppose people like me feel like we can't interact any other way than through "constructive" criticism.
Maybe I should think it over once more before comenting... but then I'd never get anything done...
Please think of my harsh words as tough love
I read the whole thing because the words make my brain happy.
I'm being silly, but I'm really sorry if I caused harm... I can only imagine how the authors I've wrote full paragraphs to feel...
Congrats on ten years!
Here's hoping for many more!
Regardless of what any of your detractors may say, you've made FimFiction a better place by being here. Thank you.
Feel lucky your anniversary on Star Wars Day is mostly meaningless.
I was born on it. I have to deal with everything that entails.
And it always made me chuckle that one of the only writers I followed from near my start in the Fandom to survive 10 years joined on my birthday.
Happy 10 year anniversary to wondering what Es Tee stands for. Pretty sure it's Storyteller because you are/were into World of Darkness, or else it's your real name in which case I don't want to know, except I'm pretty sure it's Shania Twain, which most would find interesting but personally it doesn't impress me mu
Happy anniversary!
I think I can say that you have touched at least some people, even if some of us (ahem) are less "constructive" and more "criticism".
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It would be a ?nice? gift -- let's face it: that may partially depends on how the review comes out -- but I shouldn't be the one picking the story. Tell you what: I'll post a blog tomorrow and ask people to recommend one story each. Along with a single reason why you should review it -- and one why you shouldn't. At your discretion, just pick whatever looks interesting.
(There will be rules. NO MEGA-WORDCOUNTS is going to be the first.)
Regardless, thankee.
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Probably best to PM me on this one, or talk out the details in the chat server. I've had people use background details and borrow OCs (although we could argue that Georg has now adopted Sizzler and Miranda), but 'sorta AU of an AU' can be tricky. I usually have to wind up answering a few questions. And don't forget: my detractors will spider-sense you. And home in.
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There are typos which have quite literally gotten past me for years. If someone doesn't point them out, they stay that way. I'm grateful to get the fix in.
But there's still plenty of 'my readers vs. their readers' dark jokes in the chat server.
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"Who's 'Applejack'? Must be an OC."
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I checked the drop account and your tip came through. Thankee for the anniversary gift, and bringing me that much closer to Germany.
(You did mean to tip $1.2M, right?)
(Stupid PayPal fees.)
On a related note...
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I have to accept the fee loss as the cost of doing 'business' online. And... well, realistically, if there was a site with no fees, then the cost of operating would quickly drive them out of business.
Mr. Ford?
Hit it.
When I was just a little chap
my father said to me
"Don't throw away your life pursuing prof'tability;
Take time to smell the flowers as they bloom along your way
And always try to waste at least an hour every day."
I tried to take my dad's advice and lazed around the town
And wandered quite at random up the city streets and down
Until one day I passed--
the Bank!
-- and something in me woke
The siren song of balance sheets possessed me at a stroke.
I left behind the pigeons I'd been feeding in the park
Put on a tie and bowler and became a junior clerk.
That was the day I learned about percentages of trade
The little extra someone takes whenever deals are made
Some call it a commission
handling charge
or broker's fee
But someone always gets it, so it might as well be me!
I started with commodities, the wheat and corn exchange
With fliers into shipping when a deal could be arranged
I soon was partial owner of a modest freighting line
And also wrote insurance (quite a useful skill of mine)
Collecting charges at the source, another on the send
With incremental payments levied at the other end
Add in depreciation
and per diem rate
and such
I must be rather careful not to charge myself too much
It may seem inefficient
and it's hardly elegant
But what I can't unravel, why, the tax man surely can't!
Percentages of commerce
percentages of trade
A penny here, a penny there
that's how the game is played
Some call it rank corruption, but it cannot be denied
That life's a lot more fun with a percentage on the side
My dad can't understand me, and he tells me to my face
That I'm mercantile and heartless, and a family disgrace
Seems every time I visit, he says
"Come back to the fold
And share my bench, where pigeons coo, and nights are clean and cold."
I'm tempted, but my mind soon wanders back to ledger sheets
I ride a lonely taxi home, and always get receipts
I hate to seem ungrateful, but I do enjoy my roof
It does obscure the moonlight...
...then again, it's weatherproof
But of the life that once I led there still remains a spark...
'Cause I own the bloody pigeons and I lease the blasted park!
You say my life is measured by percentages of trade
And in this case I'll grant that Occam wields a clever blade
So if there's nothing to me but a jingling pile of pelf...
I guess that I'll just have to buy an interest in myself!
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There's a greeting card line in here somewhere.
A really, really dismal greeting card line.
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Someone who's never heard of me.
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There's a lot I'd give to never have cause for going through one of those 'engagements' again.
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Y'don't say.
And, because I refuse to end on a positive note:
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{certainsite}But imagine how much better I could make it by leaving!{/certainutterlypredictablesite}
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An entire blog devoted just to picking what story I should read for review? How very flattering!
I'm late, fml. Was too busy yesterday to properly respond when I saw this blog. For whatever it's worth, you've definitely changed my life and rescued me from despair with your art. Thank you. I hope we get plenty of horse words to come. ❤
Estee, you are one of the best writers on this site and anyone who says otherwise is either envious, insane, or both.
That is my honest opinion and nothing's going to change it.
I have words that can explain the basic impact you had on my life. The community you've built has been a wonderful place to make friends. Your stories are the sort of stories that make me love the simple act of writing. The work you put into every single story, every single chapter is astonishing. But the important stuff, the under-the-surface-and-how-does-that-make-you-feel stuff, are hard to explain without just layering on adjectives. What you do is incredible, and so is both the way you do it and the way you'll never stop. Thank you, for never giving up.
You said something a long while back:
I saved that, tucked it away in my private Discord bureau drawer where I can find it again whenever I need it.
Should probably get it done up nice and frame it somewhere.
Because this is the standard, if you want to write about ponies, or anything else from nuclear robots to moon-dragons to fairies living somewhere out on Kansas corn country. if you want to make it real you've got to make it about them.
Writing fanfiction, any fanfiction, or even any fiction at all,you look at a thing and say to yourself, what does this mean? How is this done, and why, what is its purpose, who put it here or first mastered it? Nothing happens for no reason, and figuring out those reasons is the very best part of the business in my mind.
This is what I come back to, telling the stories the characters want to tell. You're the one who best enunciated that fundamental concept, and you're the one I always hold up as one of the best examples thereof.
You’re the reason that I’m on this site, and any stories that I read here are usually either your stories or your recommendations.
I believe the phrase "too much of a good thing" applies here along with the fact people -- including me -- are bad at the moderation part.
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Consider the following:
startpage.com/av/proxy-image?piurl=https%3A%2F%2Ftbcdn.talentbrew.com%2Fcompany%2F35301%2Ffull_v1_0%2Fimg%2Fog-image-estes.png&sp=1683487383T4f527ee60ea3aab086c3524ee3c5249fd38d0150e7b98bec4c093e20d9000b41
I'm glad we've had you with us, Estee. :)
"I could drop a 20K one-shot and the first five comments would be "You've got a stray 'it's' in the fourth paragraph.""
Well, er... I nitpick because I care? :D
"(I do typo.)"
Pfah, everyone typos. I typo, for one proximate example.
Currently you and Jade Dawn are the only authors I come back to the site for, after all else has passed.
That may be a dubious honour, but it is what it is.
Me, regarding John Steinbeck after reading Of Mice and Men.
But unlike John Steinbeck, I return to your stories time and time again. You are my favorite author; of the hundred plus stories in my favorites folder, you are the author who appears most often.
Sometimes it seems like suffering and angst are what drives the pistons of the greatest artists yet I find I can't wish anything toward you but pleasant days and deserved peace, even if it leaves you bereft of inspiration.