Welcome to Armorers Anonymous · 4:25pm Feb 12th, 2021
Ahem.
Thank you all for coming. I recognize that the first step is admitting that you have a problem and since none of you have actually reached that first step, I took the liberty of sedating everyone before I dragged the entire audience here and chained them to the seats. Just think of this as Step Zero, especially since that's the approximate number of movement-type steps you're still capable of taking.
We are here to discuss the Comments section for Daily Equestria Life With Monster Girl. Or rather, the cesspool of scrap metal it has become.
I understand that each writer on the site attracts their own readership. Should the base concept for DELWMG have been placed into the keyboard of others, those Comments would start to look very different.
(II had considered a brief riff on how certain writer fanbases would talk about the story, with clop author groups concentrating on erotic potential and romance followers seeking shippings, but I wasn't sure how close to the line it came and in any case, y'all are gonna be doing that anyway once this talk wraps up.)
In the case of the current group, you have a very visible, monofocus, almost manical problem.
...really. You don't see it. With the name over the door and everything.
All right. Show of desperate nods. Who would like to talk about Cerea's potential Equestria-based love life?
...just about a null set. Fine. Would anyone like to discuss centaur-based sexual slapstick?
...and half of you are asleep.
Now: who wants twenty pages of exacting details regarding any greaves which may or may not be on her legs -- no, I can't tell you how many partial plates are involved -- look, I know that it's possible to do it with boiled leather, but have you considered the issue of leather itself and there we go: the entire left side of the room is now arguing about leather. Sources, supply, societal implications. Meanwhile, we have a small mob uniting behind metal, a few people are talking about the reasons why you can't armor a horse's legs (in part because they'll tear themselves apart trying to get it off) and others are saying a centaur should be able to get past all of them, there is a thesis being constructed in the corner on why Japanese styles would be naturally incorporated into any design, and now there's a full debate about her upper torso. The exact argument regards 'angled ship prow?' vs '@$#%ing bubbles!'
Can I just say something here?
YOU.
HAVE.
A.
PROBLEM.
Other authors would get a Comments section full of sexual fantasies. Some would wind up with page after page of romantic intent. I appear to have gathered a full din of blacksmiths. Is she using this? How about that technique? Pins? What's arranging the jointing? Have we considered the nature of shoulder pads? Speaking of pads, can we get a total weight on the padding under the armor? Is there a chainmail draping present at any point? How about ring mail? Does anyone want to discuss whether or not ring mail is a true construct or an imagining for the modern age?
All of you do.
Every last one.
...and three of you just orgasmed.
I now have to live with the knowledge of what those expressions look like.
...yeah.
You. Have. A. Problem.
Look. It's okay to think about armor some of the time. There's a non-existent study which shows that the average American teenager thinks about armor once every 9.2 years or, when playing videogames, every 2.8 hours. But you've been doing this for -- what, nearly two years now? Armor this and armor that and stop wriggling around in the chains. You have a problem. I'm just trying to help. We need to bring your frequency down. Because I know how this goes. You tell yourself 'Oh, I'm just commenting on a story' and then you make plans to take a vacation in New York City, why not go down to MOMA to see the exhibits and hey, you could even time it around the Armory Party, half of you just tried to click, then you're looking the prices on Kevlar weaves because of course you are and after that, it's one short skip to the point when you're rattling your way into work, you can't see everyone staring at you because the visor doesn't allow that and what do you have to take off before you go through the metal detector? Everything.
We need to stop this here.
You can think about it some of the time. That's normal. But scaling back the current rate? That's a necessity. All I'm asking is for you to consider taking up interest in another topic. Something healthy. A subject which no one has ever become obsessed with to the point of potentially destroying their budget, their lives, and any soft surfaces they happen to sit on.
...like what?
*considers*
Have you given any thought to sex?
Safe sex, of course. The males will require condoms --
-- what are you doing?
No! No, you have to stop! That is no place for plate mail! And dear gawds, stop talking about ways to refine chastity belts! And now you're trying to extend that protection up, which is just another means of constructing a full set of armor! You're just going to --
-- to...
...
...this is my readership.
...
...I should have stayed in porn.
So uh, are you, disappointed, or....proud?
Clearly, as recommended, we need a new topic.
I propose diet.
What is a healthy diet for a centaur? Do they eat straw? What about the potential of meat? Can centaurs eat thistles? What about chocolate? What, if anything, is healthy for them?
Talking about thistles, how thoroughly do they need to armour themselves bef-So we have armor-philes and smithy-philes... well, each to their own I suppose. I want to say don't kink shame, but the reverse is true, they need to chill and let you tell the story.
You are an inspiration Estee
This is amazing
That being said centorea trying to have sex being the ball of neuroses and self esteem she is would not be fun, I kind of think that at this point she may be incapable of consent
Funniest critical analysis of your audience I've ever seen.
5452911
My thoughts exactly!
I mean, I'm just wondering about toughness bonuses and equip cost. And maybe color identity, given how much colored Equipment we've been getting in recent sets. And there's the question of whether "equip Centaur" would be appropriate, what to name the thing, if a Saga named The First Centaur Steel or Cerea at the Forge might be more appropriate...
Look, I won't deny my obsessions, but I will note where they actually lie.
There’s worse problems to have as a writer. Cerra’s suffered enough normal fanservice situations in both the original and your loving fic, she would only appreciate *this* audience fetish!
The ‘stock French’ suit Cerra just finished producing will not quite match whatever trials you have in mind for it and her and will need to be modified. The innovations flowing from Bardings smithy will slightly change the strategic calculus everywhere. Armor design is always a compromise between competing legitimate interests. You could make that a metaphor for the interests of Cerra and everypony around her as they struggle to adapt to her presence. Perhaps, if you happen to live close to one, a trip for yourself to a museum of armor might be legit research?
5452912
Actually, how many stomachs do centaurs have? One for the human part and one for the horse part? It'd be weird if each of them required a different diet (or how is the necessary plumbing arranged).
Also, armour must be important for centaurs. Like, they may possibly have more internal organs than a human or a horse, and they all need protection...
What if we ship Cerra with a sentient set of armor?
Consider yourself lucky that I wait until stories finish to read and comment, or things would have been even worse...
Excuse the crappy webcam pic, but this ought to adequately convey the reason why:
i.ibb.co/Bn5SMJS/WIN-20210212-08-53-19-Pro.jpg
No, I don't have a problem. I just have an interest. And that doesn't exclude other interests or the combining thereof... I *ahem* have a DO IT IN CHAINMAIL bumpersticker on my jeep.
You've got armor, I've got harnesses.
what the actual fuck.
5452931
C.S. Lewis always stuck with me on that. "Inviting a Centaur to stay is a very serious thing indeed!" because of their two stomachs: first they have to fill their horse stomach with sweet hay, alfalfa, oats, and then for breakfast they eat enough of a traditional English breakfast for 2-3 each. A very serious thing!
My father once told me a story. He and several other retirees were in a model-boat-building club. They got a new member, female, thirty years younger than them. When she dropped sexual innuendo, they didn't even blink. But as soon as she started talking about a lathe, she was the subject of laser focus...
Meanwhile, I, the armor-uneducated, am over here thinking about what I would do if I were there, too. (No, I'm not gonna write a fic on it.)
5452910
I see you are a man of taste
Wouldn't that be Amourous Armorers Anonymous from all the shipping going on?
Hey, a collection of blacksmiths is a Clamor (for obvious reasons) And besides, you asked for it. Heck, I detected a little begging in there, like my coffee story (that I still get begging on despite my in-progress count)
And modesty prevents me mentioning more than once the number of strapping young females in our high school who were in metal shop and the attention that brings from strapping young males. I have to admit I was nearly ensnared by a young lass who had flawless stick welding technique, but I was unable to overcome the natural attraction of a young man who built an entire cattle loading trailer by himself, out of square steel tubing and a wagon axle. Thankfully, I caught a valedictorian who shares my love of books, so it worked out well in the end.
I was thinking about other uses for centaur steel, but went to check and apparently it's staying a royal secret...
Then there's this new material of Plastic that Cerea's brought with her... Like, given how it's made from oil in the ground, it's a material of death, sorta, isn't it? ... Is there any crude oil sources in Manajerie? ... *Wonders about archeology / geological history / etc*
----
Has there been any speculation on what Cerea's actually gonna be doing as a guard...? Oh, right. Patrols and such... But in the current atmosphere?? ... Hmm... Given the riot-y nature outside the castle, and pony predictability... Use Cerea to trigger it on the Diarchy's terms instead of everyone else's, since a riot might already appear inevitable??
Use an Eclipse to create a strange visual scenario to stun the crowd?? It's dark, but also not dark... Only light is the Sun, but can't look at it... Hmm... ... Then again, really... Sudden Night might be better than an Eclipse?
Poor Estee...not even her readship is quite the norm. But at least we are a thinking bunch, even if it's a bit odd and not what you might expect. They are engaged with the story...and each other, which is a good thing. Sort of...
I am almost afraid to even peek at the comments section of the story now. Its been a while since I even read part of the story since I am so busy anymore, but now that I have been sat down against my will to get the talk, I might just have to see what the kerfuffle is about.
Can I go now?
I'll have you know that unlike all those Armour Fetishist Degenerates I only long for shipping, cuddles and off-screen healthy, emotionally fulfilling sex whose kinkiness is not relevant for any particular reason or the size of aids used hey is that a demonic pegasus of some sort?
I'd say you do have your fair share of standard degenerates, but why discuss such things on such a emotionally heavy story we just want cerea to be cuddled, coddled and told she's beautiful and loved and worthy and she deserves all that and more? Your fault for writing a story we want to see wholesomeness in!!
Would not say no to a separate M story with the actual kinky parts from any relationship she gets into, though. Either with the beeg dark pone or the smol dark pone, or even both. More knightly romantic and therefore wholesome for Cerea if it's Luna...
Also where else are we going to get our pony x centaur armoring porn?!?
You've written porn!?
5452950
"Oil as death" would normally be interesting, except Necromancy usually doesn't apply to Trees.
Oil comes from the period after Woody Trees evolved, but before Fungi evolved that could digest their cellulose. There were a few years of gap there where dead trees simply couldn't rot, and turned liquid and oily only after being put under the pressure of being buried by millennia of rock aggregate.
If you wanted to joke about this in-universe, you could claim that there's something magnetic about Cerea.
Love you estee.
I feel you may have misread the study.
"There's a non-existent study which shows that the average American teenager thinks about amour once every 9.2 years or, when playing videogames, every 2.8 hours."
...In which case you should be more concerned about Shipping Fever (which is apparantly a real thing).
5452994 As I recall, I saw something once that the average human male teen thinks about sex once every five minutes.
Response:
Girls: That's disgusting!
Guys: So what do we think about the other four? Cars, maybe?
I remember a rather silly d&d campaign where the acrobatic rogue put on a brooch of "charisma" and suddenly had to deal with, um, 'counterweights'. The stopgap measure involved making two tiny bags of holding...
5452950
>Sudden night as a riot control
I figure absolute miserable rain.
For one who says we have a problem, you drove that verbal murder stroke right through the sallet.
I feel personally and professionally attacked.
reads blog
looks at fic currently sitting in the Read It Later bookshelf
...what on Earth is going on in there...
Is it really a problem? I figured you were just good at world building. You don't overload the reader with pointless details, leave some things open to interpretation (which is a good thing) and the next thing you know they're trying to fill in the blanks.
...
...
New fic idea... pony requests armor with a codpiece. Why would they want that? I have no idea.
5452965
And interactions with the Mane 7!
Fluttershy immediately worrying about bowel torsion(Because we have to wedge that callback in).
Rainbow Dash racing Cerea on hoof and blustering about how she's "faster on the wing" when she loses.
Cerea giving Big Mac a break in the fields while discussing agriculture with Applejack.
Rarity skips past dead-faint because "Six limbs just means that much more of a challenge, dear".
PinkIe Pie Party, probably Provoking Prejudiced Pony Perturbation, proceeding to pleasurable pardon of previous pain.
Cerea finds a fellow Knight in a tiny dragon, of all people.
And finally... Twilight unloads her guilt, her anger, and all of her sorrow onto the only Centaur who is there to hear it.
I don't think I've ever seen a more enticing advert for a story in my life
5452935
reminds me of a fan-story where ponies consider a Bridle to be Fetish attire...
5452946
this reminds me of a specific videogame, Enclave, where female armor had SPIKES on the Breastplate!
5452939
I see you are also a person of EXCELLENT culture. Greetings, friend.
5452910
Let us focus on the real question: If a centaur were to volunteer to carry some kind of humanoid rider into combat, what kind of armor should they use in conjunction? Can they improve their mutal defense with e.g. the "passenger" deflecting blows to both of them or would the added weight mean that they need to use much lighter - thus less protective - armor? What kind of materials would be suitable in that scenario?
I consider myself entirely innocent of this business. First in, first out, I drop off my two cents and vamoose.
Magic though, I'll admit I have a thing or two to say about esoteric equine magical practice.
This is the greatest typo in the history of typos! I hereby nominate "din" as the official term for a group of blacksmiths.
5453066
No, that was deliberate. I was trying to find the official name for a group. There doesn't seem to be one, but I felt that was the best of the 'unofficial' suggestions.
Glorious. :D
5453052
It's been said that the best rider for a centaur would be a halfling with a crossbow so he can act as point defense.