Synth Meadows works with plants, that's his true calling. But fate has other plans for this stallion. Thrown into the Nightmare Moon fiasco, he is marked with a curse that will make him question how he perceives life. And will his will to fight that darkness lead him to make the wrong decisions? This will lead him to the edge of his mind to wonder if he'll ever be the same again.
Follow his journey through the known and unknown as his past haunts his present and the future remains a dull shade of grey.
Side Notes:
Under massive revision at the moment, on hiatus until I've finished revising.
This story is, in all manners, a retelling cliché with a twist. I feel obliged to mention that, because while I enjoy such stories, I'm sure others don't.
Chapters (21)
Well, it's too late at night for me to read this all right now, let alone make a good judgment, but there is one thing that stands out immediately from what I was able to read.
You cannot have more than one person speak in a single paragraph. Whenever a different speaker starts talking, you need to start a new one, no matter how short that would make the paragraphs as a result.
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But it's appreciated.)
Thanks, I'll try to keep that in mind and probably redo those chapters when I have time. But it's great to see that you spent the time to tell me what I could improve on. (Criticism hurts!
Hope you like the chapter!
I don't know if I explained this anywhere lately, but this story is on a little break. Just until chapter seven in my newest story. Mostly because I've got nothing for the next chapter and I'm deciding where to go with it. Don't worry though, I'll think of something. Feel free to comment, I like to see feedback.
Sorry for the wait. I explain why in the author's notes, so don't hate me, unless you really feel like it.
You have way too many genre tags. From the FAQ: "Categories are designed to be broad descriptors of a story's content or themes... [W]hich ideas and moods are central to the story[?]" Take a look at the best fics on this site. Most have one or two tags.
Similarly, character tags are for "characters in a prominent role", not everyone with a speaking role.
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Yeah I knew somebody was gonna mention that, i just haven't gotten around to fixing the story details. It involves so much work I don't feel like doing after posting a chapter, and I don't usually go on the site any other time.
I'll try to fix it the next time my editor goes on strike.Btw, my editor gets on me so much for capitalizing random words. I guess it's a bad habit of mine.
Edit: I've got a few minutes, I guess I'll change it while it's on my mind.
Hoo boy. An OC who heads to Ponyville at the same time as Twilight, instantly befriends the Mane Six, joins them on the trip into the Everfree, has a dark side, and Twilight apparently falls in love with him at first sight. This is not an auspicious start.
Alright, I'm only going to talk about the first three chapters because... well, because that's as far as I got. Your grammar's mostly fine, so that's not an issue. Just keep in mind that you need to start a new paragraph when a new character starts speaking and you'll be fine.
First, let's talk characterization. None of the characters feel fleshed out or given any depth. There's really the feeling that the Mane Six are just walking in lock-step with the plot of the first couple episodes. They're caricatures rather than genuine characters. And the protagonist isn't much better. He's a
drugseed addict who used to work at Canterlot but left because of... reasons. That is literally all I got. Seeing him bumble through his situation with Shade is just painful to watch. The Shade issue could be interesting if it was handled properly but instead, the protagonist keeps making stupid decision after stupid decision all so Shade can look like a threat equal to Nightmare Moon.Next is the OC test. Basically, its a measure of how much of a Mary Sue your OC is, and how much the world revolves around him. He fails, so friggin' much. He can more or less safely walk through the Everfree, all the characters love him instantly despite his first impressions not being very good, is possessed by an evil darkness just like Princess Luna, and apparently has enough magical mojo to match Twilight. None of these would be an issue if handled properly, but it's shoved right into the reader's face.
And speaking of being shoved into the reader's face, there's the proverbial elephant in the room. No one wants to read a story about how an OC joins with the Mane Six when they go fight one of the show's villains. It's not too bad when it shows up partway through the story, after we've already gotten to know the characters, but right at the start... Seriously, that stuff's like reader repellent.
First impressions are likely the most important aspect of any story, and I've got to say you're not making a good one. If you want to keep the whole "protagonist with an evil spirit in him," that's fine. Just make sure that the manner that he gets the spirit is interesting to read. If you want to keep the story going, you have to decide what you want to focus on. Is the story about the protagonist, who struggles against a dark power that threatens to control him, or is it just another dreary story where an OC is tossed into Ponyville at the start of the show and we get to see how that would affect the story?
Because seriously, I don't think I've ever seen a fic do that second option and make it interesting. If you want to spruce up your story, feel free to ask for tips and I'll be happy to help.
Oh, and if you want readers, you're going to want to add your stories to groups.
Cheers.
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Thanks for the criticism! I read your comment and agreed with some points on it, although in my latest blog I did mention I'll be redoing all of the chapters. All I can say about the beginning plot, however, is that: It's been done before, it's not interesting, and can be better. I understand, but I'm far past those early chapters so I can't redo them completely without any readers who enjoy the plot/story to be confused. In my later chapters (Most noticably chapters 20+) I feel the story strays away from the 'been there done that attitude'.
In the chapters 5+ (from memory) it gives background. 10+ is episode based (I think) and 18+ build on the greater plot (again, not sure). I recommend that if you want to give this story a chance you should read it all, but honestly you could also skip the first 18 chapters to get to the better stuff. If not, I understand.
TL:DR, beginning chapters are bad, but I promise it gets 'newer' later.
P.S. On the group thing, IRL I'm shy, on the internet I'm almost just as shy. Groups aren't my thing
P.S.S. I forgot about that whole Twilight thing...
3921441 That's fair, but first impressions really are essential. I would seriously recommend changing up the first several chapters, and dropping the episode tie-in aspect almost entirely. Unless you can draw in the reader within the first few chapters, there really isn't anything to recommend reading the later chapters.
You shouldn't be afraid to change the early aspect of the story if you feel like there's room for improvement. As a personal example, I'm writing a fair-sized story at the moment, and have been for over a year. About six months ago, I felt like things were starting to fall apart a little and I was beginning to see how things weren't going as I had hoped. I changed an essential plot point from fairly early in the story, and rewrote over 100,000 words' worth. The change was well-received, and the story's been flowing much more smoothly ever since.
Looking at the first couple chapters, I would recommend condensing it into a single chapter or two, and remove the arrives-at-same-time-as-Twilight issue. If it were me, I would change the story as follows: Protagonist either moves to Ponyville at the start or already lives there. If it isn't that important, I would recommend having him already living there or have him moved into town a few years ago so you can avoid the already-been-done feeling of meeting the Mane Six. He goes into the Everfree on a seed hunt, ends up chased by some wild animals and ends up at the castle deep in the forest before going in seeking shelter from the rain or somesuch. He stumbles across the remnants of Nightmare Moon, so obviously it takes place after the first couple of episodes, and that's when Shade gets implanted in him.
This method gets through the opening scene at a much quicker pace, and avoids the unfortunate aspect of having him travel in the forest with the Mane Six. If, as you said, the story gets better later, than it's better to get to that part as quickly as possible.
If you want, I can look over the rest of your story and give my opinion on that as well.
I can understand being too shy to join groups, but at the very least I would recommend joining the various support groups. Authors Helping Authors is my personal favourite, but there's also Struggling Authors and author help. If nothing else, you can simply browse the forum for writing tips.
Cheers.
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I'll take your advice, seeing you know what you're talking about. I'll probably have to post another raw chapter soon considering my editor is lazy (I mention that a lot in the author's notes) It'll give me time to redo most of the story before spring. Honestly, I love that idea you proposed, but it does sort of conflict with later chapters so it will be a 'complete redo' if I choose to change it as much as you suggested.
I would appreciate it if you did keep reading and telling me everything I did wrong. I guess the whole 'chapter per episode' thing is just what I liked reading the most when I started writing, but now it does sound overused.
I do look around for tips and I've taken tons of literature classes already, so I think joining groups to get better at writing won't have a big impact, but I'll browse around for some groups I think are interesting anyway. You never know.
Alright, finished. The plot does become better once it sheds the trappings of an episode re-write, so that's good. Overall, the most pressing issue is the absolute lack of descriptions. Very few scenes are properly set, and there's nothing to bring them to life. Also, pull out the ol' thesaurus from time to time. I was counting the number of times you used 'said' in a single chapter, and I lost count pretty quick.
Another, smaller, issue is the formating. This is a pretty petty quibble, I admit, but it's still worth mentioning. Since most paragraphs are only one sentence long, and you don't double space between them, it gives the story a squished feeling. The format's a little ugly and off-putting as a result. My recommendation, paired with the above point, would be to increase the description for each scene and cut down on the length of the conversations.
Try reading some of the more popular stories to see how they do it.
Good luck on your rewrite.
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. Good luck to you as well!
Hope you liked it! Descriptions and details don't turn out good, or long enough, when it's past midnight and you're running off caffeine, so this rewrite was going to be the opposite of that. On the dialogue: I really like short bits of dialogue more than the long paragraph speeches, but I see what you mean. I'll try to cut down on those.
I'm glad there are people like you who take time to help people like me
Might as well include here my plans for today: I was going to post the next chapter, so I'll take down the revised first chapter so that any new readers aren't confused with the change in the beginning.