A love story with Applebloom. I have been inspired by the story Nocturne, and trust me my story is a must read
Chapters (1)
zombiebwains
Joined 19th Jan, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Crowley · 14k words · 1,017 15 · 13k views
- Seether00 · 6.8k words · 537 8 · 5.9k views
- GentlemanJ · 14k words · 1,028 24 · 14k views
- peter · 139k words · 380 8 · 6.9k views
- Syndicate Luna · 8k words · 666 20 · 9.7k views
- Kiroberos · 1m words · 2,254 118 · 25k views
- GentlemanJ · 12k words · 441 16 · 5.6k views
- Azure Sandora · 32k words · 282 9 · 4k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.08 seconds
Total duration
1,005 users online
1,799,998 hits today, 2,454,720 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
...
Alright. One. Fluttershy would never, never abandon anypony, least of all family.
Second, it's usually frowned upon to make a new character the relative of a canon character, unless the family is big enough it seems plausible, like the Apples.
Third, your OC managed to just like that show Applebloom the obvious about the bullies.
Fourth, your grammar needs a bit of fixing, I'm afraid.
Fifth, saying your story is a must read is bad form, and seems somewhat egotistical as well.
Dusky Flower, well done on commenting that. Anyways, this story has a major grammar problem. The paragraphs are WAY too long.
You messed up with random capitalization, random words that stuck together, so on so forth. Here's an example:
After thirty minutes of waiting a small, black carriage, pulled by two Pegasus came to a Halt at Fluttershy’s cottage.
I really don't think the capitalization was necessary. Here's another example of words that stuck together:
“There’s a really big storm coming by the weather team, Scoots come on were going home.” Sweetiebell and Applebloom were still happy that Rainbowdash had taken in there homeless friend for a little while, but everypony know that Rainbowdash is probably going to adopt her.
What happened there? Oh and here's another example:
“I’m shore they made it to the house, and shoot even if they didn’t that club house of here’s is a sturdy as a lid on a pickle jar. Fluttershy couldn’t help but giggle at this.
Where did the other " go? And also, all the time, you spelt 'sure' as 'shore'. Overall, it was a 4/10 but good try.
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THAT IN THAT PICTURE
1987613 Randumbness, that's what.
The story hasnt been edited yet, and i keep saying shore because microsoft word keeps changing it to that
.
.
Also i had edited version and forgot to save
If you were a Micthemicrophonezero fan then you would get the part about scootaloo and RD.
And the reason i added the pickle jar part with Applejack is because i went to target and a over heard someone say it and fine it halarious.
Anywho im posting the more edited version.
sry about grammer
"And it is a must read."
Well. We'll see about that. Critique to come.
I feel like downvoting this, based solely on the fact that you said your story is a must read. Seriously, never do that. Ever. But I won't because I'm too lazy to do that right now.
What about the Fluttershy abandonment, will you fix that? That's really my biggest issue with the story so far. That... is just very OOC for Fluttershy. I'm not sure she even offered, and about the fan of X thing, you probably shouldn't assume we will get those.
Well i didnt really look at it that way but for my first fanfic that i types in 45 minutes you have to give me some slack
1987716
Now, for the error report.
One, paragraphs are defined by new speakers. Here's a custom example, not used in the story.
Can you see how confusing that is? Who speaks when? We don't know who speaks when, so here's two variations.
On top of that, you have bad punctuation, not to mention irregular capitalization. Always capitalize names and places, the first letter in a sentence, and no. Other. Times.
Also, your OC continuously plays Captain Obvious and everyone likes him immediately. Nopony has ever been instantly loved. You get points docked for that. Plus for not being an Alicorn, but another dock for horrid color scheme.
All in all, story is maybe 1/10, character maybe 3/10.
for my first im proud of that, i mean literally typed this in 45 minutes,
all i can say is
IM SO PATHETIC
Please tell me you didn't forget to add an OC tag to this...
>Love at first site
>first site
>site
I kind of stopped around there, mostly because I could tell that this was either
A) Possibly a pun based on the CMCs possibly using the internet, and falling in love with the first site they found.
B) You misspelled sight.
Based on the comments, I'm assuming it's B.
Also, never say "cut me some slack." As a writer, you should always post ONLY the story that is of the highest quality. People who read stories here will not look at experience to cut slack or be leniant, they'll be real, because this is a site where people want to read good literature, and if they have stuff to say, they'll say it. I could give a long paragraph of criticism, but I think you should really go and review your own story before that. Also, take a look at good stories, and look at the grammar of them. Notice how sentences are structures, how paragraphs are formed. Based on the content, you're either a young writer or someone who isn't familiar with the English language as well as another language, so it's best to surround yourself with lots of good English literature and imitate their style. There's nothing wrong with emulating the writing styles of others. The problem comes when you plagarize. That's bad.
1988793
This dude is nicer than I was initially going to be. Take his advice. Maybe you don't need to read the entirety of "War and Peace" or a "Song of Ice and Fire", but getting a perspective on how other published authors write and present a story would help you out a lot.
Do NOT ask people to cut you slack because of X, Y, or Z. Most of your readers that are not your friends will not care. You posted a work on here and made it public, so your readers will expect it to be a product that you, as an author, are satisfied with. There might be a grammar mistake or two still buried somewhere in there, but when you push the story out for the public to see, there should be as few errors in it as possible.
Your story at present isn't completely unreadable, but the numerous grammar and spelling mistakes are impossible to ignore and really take the reader's attention away from the story that you're trying to tell.
If you want a reaction to the story, I completely agree with the things that the other comments are pointing out. Among those things, having your OC crack that "sleeping together" joke will turn readers against him. I felt a little bit of bile come up my throat at imagining a child making that joke to another child. What made it worse was that you had Applebloom find it funny. The CMC are young children. I'm not saying that they can't know about the birds and the bees at all, but them having that knowledge is not used as an avenue for creepy pickup lines (or worse) in a childhood puppy love story. Jokes like that are definitely not "Everyone" territory.
"It's a must read"
"Cut me some slack"
The words echoed through the room, causing the single candle at the center of the table to flicker ever so slightly. The man let out a sigh, knowing what had to be done. A series of creaks were heard as he unseated himself. The soft leather of the man's boots created a shuffling sound as he drew closer to the stranger at the foot of the table. The man's eyes searched the stranger's own with a steely gaze. A soft hiss was heard as the man pulled his sword from its sheath. A moment later the deed was done. The story was down voted.
Yes, I just made a dramatic story about down voting this story. Don't judge.
Yeah probably figured I should get a storyn editor but you don't have to like it. I just wanted to make my own story and see how the people react (didn't know this serious) I already have an editor picked. He probably. Will edit this but for the rest of my time on here I'm doing comedy stories
this story kinda reminds me of mine. i like where its going... it just needs some minor grammar and punctuation edits like mine does. i don't really know where its going though. you should also research more about the characters. they are kinda... out of it...