Blink

Lyra Heartstrings and Sweetie "Bon Bon" Drops decide to open a general store together and buy an abandoned building to use, while visiting the building, Bon Bon dissapears and a mysterious stallion visits Lyra with a 70-year-old letter addressed to her.

My first story, a one-shot to see how well I do here.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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Eakin

Eakin #1 · Jan 10th, 2013 · · ·

As someone who's written my own Blink fic I have a couple pointers. First, this is just too short to develop anything of substance. You're covering a lot of ground and don't really take the time to flesh out what's here. Second, this is just a beat for beat retread of the episode. If I hadn't seen the episode I'd have no idea what was going on, and since I have seen the episode there nothing new or surprising here. Worst of both worlds. Finally, check out a grammar guide for punctuation on dialogue. You have a lot of periods that should be commas

The Grey Pegasus

The Grey Pegasus #2 · Jan 10th, 2013 · · ·

First fic? It's decent enough formatting-wise. However, stories are usually written in past tense; ex: 'used' not 'uses'. Naturally, this does not apply to dialogue. Also, in dialogue, sentences end with "Dialogue here," speaker, not "Dialogue here." speaker. Other than those and a few misspellings here and there, your grammar is a nice sight for a description that also says 'first fic'.

As with the above, I immediately predicted what this was about the second I read the description, by the way, though it had a little bit touch of Back to the Future with it as well.

englishwitch

englishwitch #3 · Jan 12th, 2013 · · ·

for a first fic it's not bad. Entertaining despite its flaws.
But the whole thing just feels too rushed. Lyra is too ready to believe even the casual explanations by Hershey. "You've had the letter for 70 years? oh ok." No reason why a 70 year old letter is addressed to her, or how it's possible. she just goes with it.

Other than that, I agree with what the above people have said

Avenging-Hobbits

Avenging-Hobbits #4 · Jan 18th, 2013 · · ·

Well, besides the flaws already pointed out (but what I understand, this was you're first published work, so I won't be too hard on you)

This is actually pretty good.

And I'm not even a Whovian.

Question: Did Lyra find Bon-Bon in the past? Cause if she didn't I think I'd have to go weep in a corner for a few hours, but if she DID find Bon-Bon, they okay then.

BTW, Bon-Bon's full name? HEAD CANON ACCEPTED

ADRNEL

ADRNEL #5 · Jan 18th, 2013 · · ·

1980817
It is assumed that Lyra does find Bon Bon in the past and live full lives together, each starting their own families.

Also, for Bon Bon's name, some sources call her Sweetie Drops, while others call her Bon Bon, so I decided to make Sweetie Drops her full name and Bon Bon as a nickname as a comprimise.

Avenging-Hobbits

Avenging-Hobbits #6 · Jan 18th, 2013 · · ·

1980860 Well, then that works.

I do suggest however, returning to this at some point, to flesh it out and fill in the details, maybe describing them adjusting to life in the past and such.

BioChemicalWolfGear

BioChemicalWolfGear #7 · Mar 29th, 2013 · · ·

I'm sure you fixed this by now but.

"Thru" is actually "Through"

I'm not sure what thru means but it doesn't seem to be wrong...TO A WORD DOC TO INVESTIGATE!

Same as Through (informal)

.....

OK WELL THE SYNONYMES SAID SOMETHING ELSE! but whatever. Well that's still wrong because this is supposed to stay formal. I think I did the same thing before but...DAMMIT THIS WORD!

fuck you "Thru" you ruin my day.

ADRNEL