Chapter 1: Shattered Friendship (New, improwed Version)
"No...No! This is a dream! It has to be a dream!" Twilight was shocked, nearly paralyzed as Nightmare Moon pulled her into a loving hug which only a mother could give.
Nightmare Moon on the other hoof felt joy for the first time in over a thousand years. She had her little baby back and she would do anything to never lose her again. She stroked her hoof through Twilight's mane, ignoring the stares she was getting from the other ponies in the town square.
"I missed you so much Twilight..." At this, she could feel Twilight struggling to escape her embrace.
"Let me go!"
"Well, if you wish. Maybe I did over do it. It is a bit much for you to take in." Nightmare Moon released Twilight and took a look around her. It seemed that most of the ponies accepted the new truth, while others were still uncertain. She then turned her full attention back to her sister.
"I shall leave you now for a short time, my child. I must deal with the monster in our family." She spoke softly to Twilight, before she walked over to Celestia's cage. Nightmare smiled a bit, as she looked down at the pony who brought her so much pain and sorrow. Suddenly, she and the cage disappeared in a flash of light.
"Twilight..." Twilight's ears twitched as she heard Applejack behind her. Her voice sounded a bit strange. She turned her head.... only for it to meet with Applejacks hoof. Totally surprised, Twilight fell on her back causing everypony around her to gasp in surprise.
"A...Applejack?" Twilight looked up in shock, before gasping again as Applejack jumped on her and raised her hoof to punch her again.
"You! I thought we could trust you! That you were our friend! But now it turns out that she is your mother! You letting her manipulate the Princess! You never wanted to stop her!" Yelled the orange farm pony.
"Applejack, thats not true! I swear! Please..." The only response was another punch to the face. Applejack felt betrayed. Betrayed by a pony she had trusted.
"You filthy...treacherous....bitch! I hope you enjoy your new life, with your usurper mother!" With those words, Applejack turned around and walked to the others. Most of them were looking away from Twilight.
“No....no! Girls please! I'm not a traitor! Please believe me!”
“Come on girls.” Twilight could feel tears running down her cheeks as Applejack led the others away. Rainbow looked back and shook her head.
“Not cool Twilight...” But that was not the worst for Twilight. The worst part was Spike backing slowly away from her. “Spike...” Obviously, it was all too much for the little dragon and he began running away.
“Spike! Please stay with me! Don't leave me too! Spike...little brother...” But all her pleading was for naught. The lavender alicorn broke down in tears and cried her eyes out. Shining Armour was also shocked by this, but for the first time, he hesitated. A million thoughts were running through his mind, that his little sister was not his sister.
Meanwhile:
Nightmare Moon had no way of knowing what had just happened in Ponyville as she opened Celestia's cage. The former Princess of the sun stepped out and took a sad look around. They were in front of the old Castle.
“I take it that this is the place of my banishment....” was all that Celestia was going to say.
“You can bet your filthy, fat flank on it!” Growled Nightmare Moon. "But unlike you, I feel mercy, even if you don't deserve any of it! You will not live in a ruin!”
With these words, Nightmare's horn started to glow. She focused a large amount of magic into her horn, before releasing her spell. Celestia shut her eyes as the bright light blinded her almost completely. As soon as she dared to look again, she gasped. The Castle was standing once again, in all its former glory. Celestia didn't even notice Nightmare walking away from her. As the dark alicorn casted another spell, Celestia turned around, only for her muzzle to collide with a magical barrier. Surprised, she put her left hoof on it. It was solid. She casted a teleportation spell, but only reappeared in the same spot she was standing.
“You can't get past this barrier! Neither can anypony free you if they wanted to. But I highly doubt anypony would want do that, after they learn the truth about you!” Nightmare Moon said, gritting her teeth. “You know...before you foalnapped my daughter, even when you had treated me like dirt, I loved you. But the only time that you showed kindness to me was when you were under Discord's influence! I was struggling back then. Between saving Equestria and our subjects, and saving you from your discorded state! Do you still know how you reacted, as we turned him to stone?"
“Yes, I slapped you and asked what took you so long...” Celestia turned her gaze in shame towards the ground.
“Once a month I will send somepony with enough food to last until the next shipment arrives.” Nightmare walked away with those words, leaving a crying Celestia behind in her new prison.
“Luna........Please forgive me....”
In a bright flash, Nightmare Moon reappeared at the Town's square. Some parts of the crowd had already disappeared, but there were still a few Ponies left. But what caught her attention the most was finding her daughter crying her eyes out! With two rather large bruises in her face
“What is wrong Twilight?”
“They’ve f...forsaken me... all my friends... even Spike..” This was a little shock no doubt, but sadly Nightmare Moon had expected something in this direction. She steps closer to Twilight and gave her a loving hug. They stay like this, for a little while, before Nightmare whispered to her.
“Let us go home.”
“Home... ” Twilight was unsure, what she meant. Canterlot? Somehow, she felt that she didn't even belong there. Nightmare Moon turned towards Shining Armour.
“Captain, I wish to go to me and our daughters new home. I expect you have brought a Chariot for my sister, right?”
“Yes... your Highness.”
“Excellent. Please bring it here, I wish to depart as soon as possible. I even think... that would be in your interest too, right Twilight?” Twilight didn't look up at her Mother, she just gave a sad nod.
Soon, the Guards had brought the Chariot. Some still confused about the sudden change of management in Equestria. Others had chosen to accept it and had already sworn loyalty to Nightmare Moon. Shining Armor was not so willing, but he wanted to keep an eye on Nightmare Moon and keep Twilight safe. He and Nightmare Moon were already seated on the Chariot, while Twilight attempted to get in.
“Miss Sparkle..” Twilight's eyes widened a bit, as she heard a tiny voice behind her. She turning around... and saw Applebloom standing standing there.
“Ah...Ahm sorry fer what mah sis said and did. Yer a good Pony.” The young earth pony looking down at her hooves. “Please... don't hate, er banish her...” She felt a hoof resting on her shoulder. Twilight gave her a sad smile.
“I’d do nothing like that. I promise, It only hurts a little...” Sadness was clear to see in the young alicorn's eyes. Suddenly, Twilight’s left leg was grasped in a tight embrace.
“Thank you, miss Sparkle. ah jus’ knew, that yer a good Pony!” Twilight was a bit overwhelmed, but then, for the first time this night, a more or less happy smile was on her face. She stroke the filly's red mane with a hoof.
“Thank you Applebloom, your words mean a lot.”
“Maybe... yall can visit us someday!”
“Well, let's see what we can do, ok?” Applebloom nodded, before she walked away. Unbeknownst to Twilight, Nightmare Moon had been watching this little conversation and had her own thoughts on it.
‘Twilight, I'm so sorry, that your life is now such a mess. If my Sister had never foal napped you, you could have had a normal life ... make some friends ... I swear I’ll make it up to you... Somehow.’ The dark mare thought.
-
The chariot ride was uneventful. Nightmare Moon watched Twilight, placing a wing over her daughter's shoulders, but getting no response from her. A small sigh escaped her lips. But then her eyes widened.
“This is Canterlot? I'm impressed! I only saw some of the construction plans for the Castle, before... everything.” Nightmare tries to avoid remembering herself to much as she pushed the bad memories away.
'I hope nopony see's me as some kind of Drama queen!' Thought Nightmare.
A couple of minute's later, the Chariot landed gently in front of the peaceful Castle. ‘too peaceful!’ The black mare thought.
“Hmm, Captain. Has Equestria really become this peaceful, so that it is not necessary to guard the Castle anymore?” asked Nightmare, preparing herself for anything. Shining Armor shook his head.
“I don't understand. I put the Guard on high alert, before I left for Ponyville!” He stepped out of the chariot and walked carefully towards the large castle doors. But as he pushed them open and entered the room ...
“THERE HE IS! GET HIM!”
Shining Armor was tackled to the ground and somepony forcefully put a Magical Bracelet on his horn.
“What is going on here?” Nightmare Moon rushed through the door.....and saw something she had not expected. Before her was a couple of Lunar Guards, a Pegasi and a Unicorn, preparing to arrest the Captain. Both looking rather surprised too, as they saw the dark alicorn before them.
“Princess...” Both snapping to attention and saluting.
“Your Highness! We have all been waiting a long time. Finally! You have returned to us!” This caused both, Nightmare and Twilight to blink in surprise.
“We? There are more of you?” The unicorn glanced at Twilight and nodded.
“Yes, your Majesty.” With this, the pegasi let loose a shrill whistled and a light ignited. They could now see a few hundred Lunar Guards, standing in attention or guarding some Solar Guards.
Both Twilight and Nightmare, were taken completely off guard by this. The Unicorn in front stood proudly before them.
“Your Highness. We are reporting, that the castle is under complete control and with no casualties on either side!”
Nightmare Moon stepped further into the entrance hall and took a look around.
“I don't understand! I thought, my sister would have wiped out my entire guard, after my Banishment!”
“Not directly, your Highness.” Spoke a female voice from the top of the stairs. Nightmare looked up and saw two more unicorns. The mare was wearing an outfit, which looked like a compromise between a Gala dress and a light armor. The stallion beside her was wearing the armor of a Commander of the Lunar Guard. He held his helmet in his foreleg. Twilight and Shining Armor were once again shocked this night. On top of the stairs stood Twilight Velvet and Nightlight, their parents.
“The Lunar Guard had just gone into hiding, after our ancestors heard of your Banishment. Soon after this, they create a secret society, called “Witnesses of the Night”. We are all their descendants." Velvet answered, as she and Nightlight walk down the stairs.
"I think I understand. So, I take it you all know the truth about what happened a thousand years ago?" At this, everypony except the captured Solar Guards nodded.
"Good, very good. Well, after the terrified look on Captain Armor's Face, I guess you are related to each other!"
"Yes, he is our son. But I hope, he didn't offend you." Nightlight answered, worry clear in his voice.
"Oh, he has only done his duty. In fact, he is still doing his duty for Equestria." Twilight Velvet let out a sigh of relief after hearing that.
"By the Stars, I'm glad to hear this. I hope our daughter Twilight has not given you too much trouble. You know your Highness, she was sent to Ponyville before your return."
"Well, about your daughter." Nightmare stepped to the side, exposing Twilight in all her alicorn glory. Nightlight and Velvet were completely surprised.
"Hello... Mom, Dad..."
Both Velvet and Nightlight stood there, completely speechless!
“In the name of.....Twilight? Is that really you?” Velvet steps in front of her “daughter” her hoof raising to touch Twilights cheek.
“Yes Mom it's really me....” For a while, both just stared at each other, as tears rolled down their cheeks.
“Why? Why have you never told me, that I wasn’t your real daughter?”
“Well... Celestia said we were not allowed, until the time was right. But she also didn't tell us that you were Royalty!”
“But....it is not an unwelcome surprise, Twilight....or should I say, Princess Twilight Sparkle?” With that statement from Nightlight, Twilight fell to the floor with a shriek, shaking her head from side to side.
“Don't....don't call me that! I don't want a title!” Nightmare cleared her throat, causing everypony to turn their attention back to her.
“What my daughter is trying to say, is that she is still overwhelmed with everything. She must first getting used to it. Give her some time.”
“As you wish, your Highness.” Twilight Velvet and Nightlight responded simultaneously.
“Now, I would like to inform Canterlot of the change in power.” Said Nightmare to Nightlight.
“We shall inform the populace at once, your majesty!” Responded Nightlight as he saluted and donned his helmet before dashing off to complete Nightmares orders.
Nightmare turned to Velvet.
“I also want to know, what else has changed in my family tree!”
“At your Wish, your Highness.” Came the quick response from Velvet.
A short while later...
Nightmare Moon stepped onto a large balcony overlooking a massive crowd of ponies. Twilight standing absent mindedly beside her. Nightmare took a look around, before clearing her throat.
“Let’s see if I can still do the royal voice!” Twilight raise an eyebrow and gave Nightmare a questioning look. Nightmare took another step forward before she spoke in a booming voice!
“CITIZENS OF CANTERLOT! TONIGHT STARTS A NEW ERA FOR ALL OF EQUESTRIA! FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, YOU ALL WERE RULED BY A TYRANT WHO WAS BOTH A LIAR AND AN USURPER! BUT THAT TIME IS NOW HISTORY, A NEW GOLDEN ERA LAYS BEFORE US! BUT TO REACH THIS GLORIOUS GOAL, IT IS NECESSARY, TO MAKE SOME CHANGES IN THE RULING SYSTEM! EVEN IF I AND MY SISTER CELESTIA PROMISED OUR MOTHER, TO RULE TOGETHER, THIS SYSTEM OF TWO CO-RULERS HAS SADLY FAILED BECAUSE OF MY SISTERS GREED!”
Surprised, Twilight covered her ears with her hooves! Never, NEVER, had she hOeard somepony, who could use this much volume!
“SO, WITH A HEAVY HEART, I DECLARE THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE RULER. A QUEEN, WHICH WILL ALWAYS CARE FOR HER SUBJECTS! I PROMISE, I WILL NEVER ABUSE MY POWERS AND I WILL RULE FAIRLY! FOR A BETTER EQUESTRIA! FOR A BETTER LIFE FOR ALL! THIS, IS MY PROMISE TO YOU, MY SUBJECTS! LONG LIVE EQUESTRIA AND IT'S CITIZENS!”
Silence hung over the the place for a while. Everypony was stunned by the volume Nightmare Moon had used for her speech.
“Strange, a thousand years ago nopony was this stunned after using the Voice.” Nightmare Moon remarked in surprise. But then, somepony started applauding. A little Unicorn Filly in the first row began. Slowly, more and more ponies joined in. Sure, it was not the reaction Nightmare Moon had expected, but at least the ponies seem to accept it. They accepted her as the new Queen.
Nightmare began waving down upon the crowd, a smile on her face. But then she took a quick look at her own appearance.
“Hmm, armor and helmet not much for royal accessories, what do you think Twilight?” She asked her daughter, while still waving to the crowd.
“If you say so...” Muttered Twilight, who was still surprised at how easily the take over for Nightmare Moon... her Mother... was. Was there nopony, who was against her new rule? Twilight was so deep in her own thoughts, that she missed it as Nightmare spoke again before the crowd, declaring that everypony have a free day and celebrate.
“Twilight, are you coming?” Her train of thoughts were derailed as Nightmare put a hoof on her shoulder.
“Huh? What? Where are we going?”
“Well, what do you think? Someplace everypony goes to, especially after being locked away for so long!” She gave Twilight a wicked smile, which let her shuddering.
“You don’t mean....”
“Oh yes! I mean exactly that!”
“A Bath!” Exclaimed Nightmare happily, as she and Twilight entered the great bathroom. The younger alicorn rolling her eyes, as Nightmare started to take off her Armor. But what caught her eye, was the fact that Nightmare's mane and tail were forming into a normal, violet hair! To be honest, Twilight thought she was a completely different pony!
“Let's take a long, relaxing Bath.” Nightmare stepped into the bath and laid down. Immediately, the water began changing color, as a grey mist spread from Nightmares body.
“This feels good, cleaning off this annoying moon dust....” Twilight Sparkle was thinking about whether or not she should join her Mother in the baths or not, before she entered the bath by a different rout. True to Nightmares word, the water was relaxing. Twilight let herself sink into it, until only her head was above the surface. For a good two Minutes she was alone, until something pressed against her back, two strong, but kind forelegs embraced her. Surprised, she looked up ...and her gaze met Nightmare's.
“All the years on the Moon....I was thinking. My Sister would have done something horrible to you, after she sent me to the Moon. Just to show me, that when something could not be her's, it could not belong to anypony else. I... really thought, I would never see my beautiful foal again.” Nightmare's embrace tightened a bit.
“Who... who was my father?” Twilight asked quietly. She could hear a small sob.
“He was a great stallion. A truly great magician, you got your magical talent....and his eyes from him. He was the best commander I ever had in my guard. His name was Nighthawk. Nopony had better night sight than him.” Then she went silent for a second.
“He was killed, when the guard sent by Celestia pony napped you...”
“Oh...”
“The memory still hurt very much... Please let’s change the subject.” Nightmare's horn starts to glow and some lotions were levitated over to them.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m just going to make your mane, just relax a bit Twilight.” Nightmare answered with a motherly smile. To her joy, Twilight tried to relax.
'I had to wait for a thousand years, before I could wash my daughters mane for the first time... many small, wonderful things, were stolen from us... ' A small tear fell as she thought to herself.
Some quality time later, both mares dried off and prepared themselves. Nightmare wanted to help Twilight with that, but said alicorn refused, unknowingly hurting the jet black alicorn just a bit with her answer. Nightmare put her helmet back on, as somepony started knocking at the door.
“Come in!” answered Nightmare. Twilight Velvet opened the door and walked in, carrying a rather large scroll into the Royal Baths. She bowed before both alicorn's, which caused Twilight to wince a bit.
“Your Highness, I have here the most recent version of your family tree. We have tried updating it as accurate as we could over the past millennia.”
“Thank you, Lady Velvet.” Nightmare unrolled the scroll and took a look at the contents. Twilight was getting curious and took a look as well.
“Oh my...” Whispered Twilight amazed.
A smile was seen on Nightmare's face, as she saw the astonished look on her daughter's face. But then she drew a grimace. The miserable descendants of Celestia had not died out! Blueblood the Tenth was the last one right now. But then she was surprised once more! There was another alicorn in the family tree!
“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?” said Nightmare.
“Never heard of her!” Answered Twilight, causing Velvet to giggle.
“Of course you know her, Princess. She was your foal sitter, Cadance.” Said Velvet with a smile.
“Cadance? The best foal sitter in history of foal sitters?” Exclaimed Twilight, prompting Nightmare to raise a questioning eyebrow.
“Well, I think it is time to meet the rest of the family.” She said, as she rolled up the scroll.
Throne room, some time later
Nightlight suppressed the urge to use his armored hoof to punch the arrogant face of this filthy, miserable Prince. To his luck, Blueblood was too occupied with himself and his whining to fully understand this. The Commander of the Lunar Guard felt sorry for the Princess of love, who had to listen to the entire rant.
“Cousin! Could you please stop with your whining?” Asked Princess Cadance, barely suppressing an annoyed groan.
“WHAT? I'm not whining! I'm complaining! What do you thinking this anyways?“
“Because you making a fool out of yourself, even more than usual!”
“How could you say that! What if she starts to give important positions to common ponies or wasting bits on them?”
“I see Blueblood....it must be horrible for somepony like you, if the focus of everypony doesn’t revolve around you! And how horrible would it be, if nobles like you get less bits and poor ponies get more!” Cadance answered in a mocking tone. Of course, Blueblood was not laughing about it.
“Well, what a wonderful Royal Family I have!” Nightmare's Voice responded from the door. At once, both went silent. The dark alicorn walked into the throne room with Twilight in tow. She stopped before Cadance, while ignoring Blueblood.
“Queen Moon...” Cadence responded respectfully. But as she raise her head again, she gasped!
“What in Tartarus ...Twilight? Is that you?” Cadence was really shocked, to see her favorite little filly now as a alicorn right in front of her! Twilight shyly nodded in response.
“Hello Cadence...” as her voice slowly trailed off.
Nightmare kept watching the pink alicorn in front of her, before cleared her throat and regained the attention of Cadence.
“So, if I may ask, what Princess you are of?”
“Um...I'm the Princess...of...Love?” she stuttered, still stunned a bit.
“Love huh? Sounds legit to me!” Nightmare chuckled a bit. “You don't need to be so formal around me. Aunt or Aunty Moon will do for now.”
“I’ll... keep that in mind... Aunt Moon.” Suddenly, somepony cleared his throat.
“Excuse me? I'm closer to the royal bloodline than her! Her parents were just common ponies, which were raised to the nobility because of her birth!” Blueblood complained.
“SHUT UP!” Nightmare bellowed, taking the arrogant Prince off guard.
“Yes....you are truly one of Celestia's descendants! Through your veins flows the same, rotten blood of your ancestor, Blueblood the first!” Twilight gulped as she saw Nightmare yell at Blueblood. Sure, she has had a hard time with that arrogant Prince too, but...was this necessary? She took a look around, seeing some of the Lunar Guard chuckling or grinning. She focused back on Nightmare as she finish her scolding of Blueblood.
“Learn where your place is, you Sniveling insult to pony kind!” She focused back to the matter at hoof.
“Don't think I'm always like that, dear niece. Normally, I'm a very peaceful pony.” Cadance just nodded in agreement.
“If you say so, Aunty Moon.” she responded flatly as she still wasn’t sure what to think of the situation.
Later that Day, Everfree Castle
Celestia had removed her regalia, crown and shoes, throwing them away. Why would she need them anymore? She knew that someday, her sins of the past would come back to her, and would led to her downfall. But still....
“I was such an greedy Idiot back then...” Cursed the former Sun Princess.
“What had gotten into my head, to make me take away my sister’s child? Even as I knew, what happened as she give birth to Twilight....”
Twilight....
“I'm so sorry Twilight. had I kept my greed under control, you would have lived a normal life! And Luna would never have herself transformed into Nightmare Moon, to save you....”
She remembered the faithful day like it was yesterday.
“LUNA! TWILIGHT! PLEASE FORGIVE ME SOMEDAY!” She cried, as she stepped to a window. Her call for forgiveness unheard. Celestia broke down below the window, sobbing like a newborn with her forelegs curled underneath her. But she had no tears left, after a whole day of crying...
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How badly exactly did you get yelled at for all of the Pauses?
FINALLY!!! though i want to see your other story updated as well... XD just keep it up !!!!
ohhh
ohhh
! can we see blueblood subjected to commoner's work? pleeeaaaassseeee?
It would be so freaking hilarious to see him freak out at the sight of a butterfly...
everypony haaates Blueblood...
and have twilight say something along the lines of "Blueblood wasn't that bad... although, insulted my dress when i went to prom, so yeah, go nuts mom"
2910417 yeah, those got pretty annoying incredibly fast. think he'll go back and fix 'em?
I liked it for the most part, though I think twilight's friends AND spike abandoning her because of who her mother is (which if you think about she couldn't help anymore then any other pony could) well I just don't see it especially RD I mean shes the element of LOYALTY.
But =other then that I loved the chapter.
2910472 when the gramatical editor decides or is able to help him clear them up. having German as a main language does not translate nicely when writing English.
This is good, keep it up!
This Fic Is One MoonLight Romance
...Everyone just accepts her, just like that? Lunar guards just suddenly conquered? Shining armors father attacks him? Nobody has an argument about this except for the elements of harmony (Who are literally the only people ACTING IN CHARACTER)? Celestia's golden rule is just..ignored? All of the other issues has gone so peachy?
Seriously, this is either a dream by Nightmare moon, Twilight's gone comatose, or Nightmare Moon is a very powerful Mind Controlling Specialist.
None of this makes ANY sense in ANY way, and stretches the disbelief meter straight to the moon.
You know, this is only the first real Chapter! I was not planning, that everything goes that smoothly for Nighmare in later Chapters.
By the way, where stand that Shining Armor gets attacked by his Father? And the Lunar Guard have stayed 1000 years hidden! So it was more than logical, that they infiltrate the Royal Guard.
All things I wanted originaly tell during the next Chapters!
2910703
Ah, I misread since it had shown his father at the unicorns guard, but they came in a bit after. (It was the him being terrified that had me thinking that he was the one who bound his horn) my mistake.
However the rest, it just seems like they all rolled over. Not to mention as shown in this chapter, everything just really..rolled over as soon as nightmare came in, it seems like some were just like "Meh, she's queen now" and went back to business as if nothing happened, and it's just surprising that...Well, everything went like perfectly in this one.
I know it's probably the first real chapter, but it just seems a bit forced, I mean even Cadence is like "Oh cool, new auntie" and isn't bothered, and you've got the major commander giving up into her so..easily.
My opinion of course.
Only complaint is the grammar/spelling. Otherwise neat chapter :)
Everything comes at it's time.
MOAR
Righto.
Your tense. You need to use the correct tense consistently.
Bold is wrong tense
This bunch needs some fixes.
"Her voice sounded a bit strange." No need for exclamation point.
instead of "Totally surprised" Try "Taken completely off guard" or something of the sort.
"turn of events." Again you don't need that exclamation point.
"Everypony gasped at this turn of events."
if you want to use the word raising try this. "Applejack jumped on her, raising her hoof again to punch her."
Okay. I think you get my point about your tense. You're telling a story. You want the narrative in past tense.
NMM seems to react calmly at Twilight's rejection early in the story but you mention that when Twi rejects her affections in the bath. (Hoo boy that sounds bad) She's hurt.
I think you could do something with the water hitting Twilight's cheek and making it sting where AJ had hit her twice making her cry more as she remembers the loss of her first friends and Spike. Not saying you have to or anything but it's definitely a moment that you can use to enhance the story. At least to me. I like sad ponies being sad.
Overall I think you downplayed Twilight's injury way too much. AJ is friggin strong and using Twi's injury could work really well for you if you fleshed out some scenes for it.
I mean I'd think NMM would have noticed the swelling or something on Twi's cheek.
Can't see someone from an older time like NMM using "sounds legit" like this.
The has was unnecessary.
Overall there is just a pure metric ton of potential in this. You just seem to be not quite noticing the things you could use to enhance the story. Play on Twi's sadness a bit more. I mean she just found out her life was essentially a lie and you hardly had her react to her parents aside from her initial crying, questioning and wincing at the bow.
Also you could have Cadence react to Twi's presence. I'm pretty sure that Celestia hadn't told her the truth after all.
It will give another version of this Chapter, dont worry.
And Twilight will have pretty much, much more sad moments in later chapters.
Damm, I must stop write only sad fics.....
2911269
[quote]It will give another version of this Chapter, dont worry.
And Twilight will have pretty much, much more sad moments in later chapters....What?
Is english not your first language?
Not trying to be rude. Legitimate question.
2911269
Nevermind. Just looked at one of your other stories and it says that english is your second language.
Right.
I like this. I really do.
So if you want I could edit some for you.
If you want, just send me new chapters through a private message and I'll take a look through it for basic grammar and such for you before you publish it.
No, it is not. It was asked already a couply of times in the comments here. I have still trouble to figure out, what is needed and what not. But it seems to me, that everyone just see's the speeling Errors....
Please refrain from commenting on the grammar/spelling. I'm working on the editing of the chapter right now
2911294
Well, Regardless of grammar and such. The story is good. Like I said. Lots of potential.
Even if you don't need a editor I would still love to Pre-read for you to point out the moments that you could flesh out like I did in the end of my big-ass comment.
I can leave grammar to someone who probably knows it better. (I went to college for computers, not english after all.)
I think about it. I always thankful for help
2911340
I know! As soon as I saw the progress I was just like
MOAR!!!!
Yes, you will get more. But for now, my other two Nightmare Moon Story's deserve a update.
2911336
No problem.
No hard feelings either way.
yet another surprising story I forgot about ages ago that crawls out of the woodwork...neat!
now on to brass tacks, you're grammar isn't perfect (quick protip, "too" is used when describing something being excessive, as in "too peaceful!") Also you could clean up scene transitions a bit and make them neater.
Otherwise thought you have a fairly good premise, I like the characters (sans Celestia if only by virtue she hasn't done crap to redeem herself yet) and it's...interesting...to see nightmare actually be a super nice pony (coup on the throne, righteous anger at her sister and yelling at blueblood aside)
*checking my e-mail box*
WHAT?!!!?! A new chapter, not another author's note ?
*proceeds to read the chapter*
Well, it's good so far, but Spike needs to be flattened, and then crushed into dragon pulp after his stunt...
I was thinking about saving reading this for after 3 or so chapters come out, but I realized something about myself. Am a impatient person!
This story is very good KEEP GOING!
Blindness to the truth is something applejack ins infamous for (and why personally dislike her (okay I do hate her as a person/pony for that single flaw it truly sets me off.) she let her rage fly off the handle, stupid girl didn't think of what could happen if she did that, her family could've been in danger for that. Thankfully her sister Applebloom showed more maturity and wisdom and extended twilight a hand/hoof of friendship even after all that. Applebloom even in the show, shows she has more wisdom and intelligence then her sister. thank goodness someone in that family does!
oh my I think I ranted.... 
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I like your premise, but we do feel you could make the story better if you had some others to bounce ideas off of and have a a couple editors. The ponies in the story seem to switch position pretty quickly as well as forget what others have said. Twilight's friends abandon her right after Celestia admits that Twilight nor her parents new she was an alicorn. Then AJ just disregards that, as well as the rest of the Elements. That right there seems cold and idiotic for the characters.
Well, Things gonna change. The Elements have to deal in later Chapter with light guilt feelings, except Applejack. But don't worry, she get later some Sense bucked into her stuborm Farmpony head.
Also, it will turn out, that not everypony accept Moon as Queen. But this story will not become a grim dark one.
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It just didn't make sense to me. Especially the idea that Fluttershy and Pinkie would walk away from a crying pony as well that has only tried to help them.
Just as a note, you do not need to capitalize regular nouns. I noticed you have odd capitalization habits, but words like "things", "sense", and "farmpony" are never capitalized unless they are at the beginning of a sentence or you make it someone's specific name.
2911269 some lighthearted parts just might fix that sad line... but yeah... always have a backup editor or multiple of them, I've found that that makes it much more easier to pull off corrections. and i believe some would spell 'Aunty' 'Auntie' but auto correct hasn't tried to correct it so far...
You sir, need an editor. Also, the ponies shouldn't except it so easily. Good concept though.
Okay I mainlyet the mane five reactions as they barley know twilight right now but spike is reaction is inecusabłe
Hope twilight gets her payback oñ thrall especially spike
i highly doubt that someone, or a pony, in a depressed state would be able to actually say forsaken clearly
So many errors. But good idea.
I really like Luna/twilight mother storys and this one of the best concepts ive ever read, i truly enjoy reading this cant wait for chapter 2
holy crap do you plan to finish any of your stories?.....
No matter how many times I read this I never get bored, cant wait for chapter three
Nightmare Moon's been released for
not even a day, yet she catches on to the lingo
so quickly...*sniff* makes me proud.
you got that one line from tumbler didn't you
What line? If there is something from any tumbler then I was unaware of it.
3817892 where nightmare moon asks what cadence is princess of and that is exactly the answer she gives in that ask blog.
Well, I was really unaware of this.
cant wait for nect chapter :)
New chapter soon? I must read the end of this story! It will make me die happy!
I love this story and the backstory to it first story I've seen to do that very nice work