Prologue: The unknown Secret
Nightmare Moon grit her teeth. ‘This can't be happening!’ The Elements were destroyed, yet here they were, shining in all their glory on the necks of the mares before her. Just as the final element appeared she decided on what to do. Attack!
"Oh no, you don't!!!" Bellowed the dark alicorn, before she launched herself into the group of mares, releasing several intense blasts of magical lightning. The six mares screamed in agony, before dropping to the floor paralyzed. Silence fell over the former throne room, before she chuckled.
"You really thought those artifacts would catch me off guard again? No! I will not let the Elements have a chance of defeating me again!"
Nightmare Moon lit her horn, her aura covering the Elements in turn as she lifted each of them off the six unconscious mares. But she took a longer look at the Element of Magic, her gaze then wandering down to the lavender unicorn.
"You must be quite powerful if my Element of Magic is willing to work through you. I could use a pony with such a talent, but no matter how much I'd like that, you and your friends are still a threat to my rule, should you ever get your hooves onto the Elements again."
Nightmare stepped closer to Twilight and raised her right hoof over Twilight's head. "You are a brave mare. May the ancestors guide you safely to the afterlife. Forgive me."
She raised her hoof higher, so she could break Twilight’s skull on her first attempt and make it quick for the young unicorn. Nightmare Moon believed that Twilight and her friends deserved a quick and more or less painless death. But suddenly her hoof stopped a couple of millimeters from Twilight's head. The jet-black alicorn raised an eyebrow. Why did she stop? Something was not right here.
"Huh, I could swear..." Nightmare stepped a bit back and lowered her head to Twilight.
"Something... isn't right with you. There is something familiar, but that is impossible!" She closed her eyes and cast a spell, which allowed her to see, which pony this young mare was related to, by the way of the pony’s magic. She dove in, looking for some answer why this young unicorn felt so familiar to her. Ah, there was something!
Suddenly, Nightmare's eyes shot open and she backed away, shocked, her eyes wide!
"No! This can't... how is... that is impossible!!!" Tears started to appear in the corners of Nightmare Moon's eyes, as she realized what had nearly happened. Then, she screamed on the top of her lungs;
"CELESTIA!!! HOW COULD YOU?!"
Twilight slowly opened her eyes. She was laying on the bed in her temporary home in the library. She could feel that something was wrapped around her midsection. Curious, she took a look and gasped. ‘Fresh bandages?’ Weakly, she tried to stand up and called for her friends.
"Spike? Fluttershy?" Nothing...
"Rarity? Pinkie?... Okay girls, this was funny, so please come out! Applejack! Rainbow!" Again, there was only silence. Twilight began to worry. Suddenly, loud knocking was heard from the library door. Surprised by this, Twilight cantered as fast as her injuries allowed, towards the door and opened it. She was hoping to see her friends, but all she saw was only Applejack’s little sister, Applebloom. The filly was crying.
"Miss Sparkle! Please! Ah need some help with mah big Sis! At the... Town Hall... please!" ‘Applejack is in Trouble?’
"What happened?" But as soon as Twilight asked this, her eyes widened. It was bright as the day, but at the same time it was still night. A new, light blue sun was up in the sky! "Forget my question, let's go!"
Twilight rushed through Ponyville, but she was forced to stop and lift Applebloom onto her back, the poor filly being unable to keep up with her. Some ponies, who were not terrified or confused about the whole new situation, stared at the lavender unicorn as she passed them, but Twilight ignored them. At the moment it was only important to help her friends.
After a short sprint, Twilight reached the Town Hall and gasped at what she saw. All of her friends were trapped inside a large cage out the front of the Town Hall. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow and Spike, but Pinkie was not with them!
"Girls! Spike!"
Applejacks ears twitched as she heard the familiar voice!
"Twi? Is that you?"
Twilight galloped towards the cage. As she arrived, Applebloom jumped down from her back. But Twilight was confused by the looks her friends gave her.
"Are you alright girls?"
Rainbow blinked a bit. "Geez Twi, were you always that tall?"
"What are you talking about? I..."
Twilight took a look at her body, to make sure that all was normal, but she was shocked at what she saw instead. She was much taller. Her legs were longer, her muzzle too and her body was slicker. Her mane and tail were also slightly longer. Even her horn was a good couple of centimeters longer. All in all, she was looking a lot like the famous Fleur-de-Lis.
"What in Celestia’s... a side effect of the Elements perhaps?"
"Um... Twilight darling... I don't want to be rude, but... could you please release us?" Came the half whinny from Rarity.
"Oh, sorry Rarity. I’ll get you out of there, just hang on a second." Twilight stepped closer and her horns started to glow.
"Hey, where is Pinkie?"
Suddenly, Twilight was surrounded in a dark blue magical aura, before she vanished in a bright flash.
"TWILIGHT!!!" Came a shocked exclamation from her friends and Spike...
Twilight reappeared in a different place and fell onto a pile of pillows.
"Oof!"
"Ah, Twilight Sparkle! I was curious how long it would take you to visit me."
The voice came from right next to her. She knew the voice, though there was a lack of arrogance and malice, so it sounded almost friendly. Twilight stumbled to her hooves and turned to face Nightmare Moon, quickly glancing at her surroundings as she did so. It looked like the bakery of Ponyville, Sugar Cube Corner! She also saw another pony sitting behind a table. It was Pinkie, but her mane and tail were flat and her coat looking less colorful.
"Pinkie, are you alright?" Asked a worried Twilight.
"She has been in this state since I defeated you at the castle ruins. I was also not surprised, as she touched the cage bars and the security spell teleported her to me. Actually, it was only cast for you, Twilight." Nightmare Moon spoke. The earth pony didn't even answer. Twilight glared daggers at the Dark Alicorn.
"You let my friend go! Or I swear by Celestia, that..." Twilight was cut off by Nightmare stomping her hoof on the ground, printing a hole into the floor.
"Don't you ever... ever, dare speak of her!" Growled Nightmare, before taking a bite out of a cupcake. Her eyes widened. "Mmmm, delicious! Who made this?"
Slowly, Pinkie Pie raised her Hoof. "I... I made them yesterday..."
"They are really good! I would dare say that they are the best sweets I have ever eaten! And I have been alive for a long, long time."
"You... you really mean that?" Pinkie looked curiously at Nightmare Moon, who nodded and gave her an honest smile. Suddenly, Pinkie's mane and tail puffed up again and she let out a loud "Awesome!". Nightmare gave the now happy earth pony a confused look, before speaking to Twilight.
"Is she always like that?"
"I’m surprised it even concerns an usurper like you." Muttered Twilight.
"What was that? I am not the usurper here! I liberate this land!"
"From what, exactly?"
"From my sister Celestia of course!"
"Ha, thats a good one! Princess Celestia is not a tyrant and... Wait, what?! She is your sister?" Shocked, Twilight sat there with mouth agape while Nightmare Moon let out a chuckle.
"Of course! Don't tell me nopony knows that." The expressions of Pinkie and Twilight said otherwise.
"They didn't?! Do they not even know that I exist?" At this question, Pinkie suddenly pulled a book out of thin air and shoved it in the dark alicorn's face. Twilight tried to figure out where she got the book from, but gave up. Heavy things tended to fall on her when she thought about it too much.
"Oh! Oh! There is this old ponytale! Was it really you, who was so jealous of Celestia? And is the Nightmare Night myth true, that you eat foals?"
Nightmare Moon blinked, before she tore the book away from Pinkie and started reading.
"What? This is not true! I never was jealous! Who wrote down these lies? And who said I eat foals? I love foals!” Twilight and Pinkie saw something they had not expected. Tears appearing in the corners of Nightmare Moon's eyes.
“That... old... selfish... whore! Why... was it not enough for her to destroy my family?” Twilight and Pinkie gasped. Nightmare Moon... she had a family a thousand years ago? And Celestia had destroyed it?
“You... had a family... back then?” Asked Twilight carefully.
“Yes... a loving soon-to-be husband... and a foal...” she said, her voice unstable, shaking and sad. Then she grit her teeth, “Until my bitch of a sister had become jealous and foalnapped my daughter!” The two other mares gasped again.
“This... this can't be true! Princess Celestia would never do something like that!”
“Oh she had done it! I was hoping to never see her again before I banished her to the Everfree Forest, but I think it would be very enlightening for you...” It was obvious that Nightmare Moon hated Celestia for what she had supposedly done a thousand years ago. But just as Nightmare stood up and began walking towards the door, the door burst open and two dozen Royal Guards stormed into the room, surrounding the dark alicorn. Twilight gasped seeing her big brother, Shining Armor, standing in the doorway and pointing his spear at Nightmare Moon.
“Stop right there, Nightmare Moon! Give up now and release Princess Celestia and my sister!” Nightmare blinked, surprised by this, before she chuckled.
“My, my, such a brave young stallion, and so loyal!” Nightmare spread her wings and lowered her horn, which started to glow dangerously. Twilight's eyes began darting between the guards, Nightmare Moon and her brother, her mind creating all kinds of scenarios.
'Don't do something stupid! Don't do something stupid!' Twilight repeated in her head, as if hoping the mantra would stop the inevitable.
“Seize her!”
“Bad move!”
What happened was far too fast. Twilight and Pinkie had to shield their eyes, so forceful was Nightmare Moon's defense. As Twilight lowered her hoof, she gasped. Each one of the guards were laying unconscious at the walls and Nightmare Moon held Shining Armor in her magical grip.
“Brave, but too vigorous! You have so much to learn, young captain! You should serve me.”
“Only... over my... dead body! I’ll never serve... you!” At these words from her brother, Twilight rushed forward to snatch her brother out of Nightmare Moon's grip. The Alicorn was not at all surprised at all by this action, and merely watched Twilight as she stood protectively over her brother.
“Don't hurt him! I’ll do anything you want!”
“Twily, no!”
Nightmare Moon just continued standing there and said nothing. It was hard to say what she was thinking behind her blank mask of expression. Then she started laughing. Not the terrifying laughter from the Summer Sun Celebration. No, it was heartfelt laughter.
“Very well, since you ask so nicely, then I shall spare him, and the others of course. Actually, he and his guards will come too.”
The Alicorn then turned herself, Twilight and everypony else in the room into a purple mist and shot out of Sugar Cube Corner. Half a minute later, they all reappeared at the Town Hall. Her sudden appearance caused a stallion before her to turn around... And then a bright flash blinded her.
"Ahhhh! My eyes! Who dares to attack me?" Bellowed Nightmare Moon, her gaze wandering over all the ponies before her eyes locked onto the stallion cowering before her.
"Please don't hurt me! You startled me and I hit the camera button!”
“What in Faust's name is a ‘camera’? Who are you anyway stallion?” Before he could explain, she snatched this ‘camera’ away from him to take a closer look at this strange device.
“Well... it is a device that allows me to easily make a picture of something. I need it for my job. My... My name is Quick Story, I'm a reporter from the Canterlot Times, one of Equestria's most important newspapers. Well... I saw that the Royal Guard was moving out and I was thinking that it could be a good story.” Nightmare listened to him. Newspapers? Something like this was not allowed by Celestia a thousand years ago. Maybe she could use him to spread the truth. She give him his camera back.
“Very well, then you may be interested in a real story! I hope you will be taking notes.” She strode past him and began speaking to the crowd.
“Hear me my subjects! Tonight is a great night for Equestria! Tonight a new age of peace and harmony will start! Tonight is the night, where the truth will be revealed!” Nightmare Moon's horn glowed as she spoke and the cage holding Twilight's friends opened.
“Tonight, a thousand years ago, a tyrant banished me from the land and ponies I cared about. Banished me, from the family I loved! But tonight you all will hear the whole truth from the mouth of the tyrant herself!”
At these words, another cage appeared before the Town Hall. But inside this cage was...
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight rushed towards the cage and attempted to open it. Needless to say, she was not successful. Twilight looked towards Nightmare Moon, anger clearly written on her features.
“Let her go! Now!”
Nightmare Moon only shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I can't do that.” Nightmare said, trotting over to stand next to the cage.
“Hello sister!” She spat.
“Luna...”
“Don't call me that name again. You destroyed Luna, it’s only me now.” Celestia averted her gaze shamefully away from Nightmare Moon and Twilight.
“I'm sorry...”
“I don't believe your words, especially after all you have done. But tonight you will show everypony your true face. Now then, tell them what you did, how you destroyed my life! Tell them, now!”
Celestia looked at her sister with sorrowful eyes and at the crowd of ponies behind her. Then her eyes rested on Twilight, who stepped closer to the cage.
“Princess... Nightmare Moon says you foalnapped her daughter... please... tell me she is lying. You are not a monster like this... right?”
Silence.
“Princess?”
“Twilight... I'm sorry... but it is true!” At this, Twilight and everypony else gasped.
“Yes, it is true. I'm not a saint... A thousand years ago, I was not kind... I was... a tyrant.” Tears started to fall from Twilight’s eyes as she shook her head.
“No... no! That can't be true! Nightmare Moon must have put a spell on you! I can fix that!”
“Twilight Sparkle... she did nothing like that. It is true. I was selfish, unfair... even cruel. I even claimed things as mine, which belonged to ponies who needed them badly...” Celestia began telling them every one of the sins she had committed. About the abuse of her position and might. The white alicorn started sobbing as she continued. Meanwhile, Twilight slowly backed away from the cage, still shaking her head. Everypony else was also shocked by everything that Celestia was saying. Nightmare Moon observed the crowd of ponies. She could see their disbelief, their anger and their sadness.
Twilight was surrounded by her friends, who tried to comfort the crying unicorn. Nightmare Moon took a step towards Twilight, but the unicorn was looking at Celestia with tear stained eyes.
“Why did you take her foal?”
“Because... her daughter was an Alicorn... ” Celestia stood up, but held her gaze low.
“It was and it is still so rare that an alicorn has a foal that is an alicorn too. It is more common that the foal would be a pegasus, earth pony or just a unicorn. I was so angry that my last foal was a unicorn. When I heard my sister had given birth to an alicorn foal, I became so jealous and furious... and one thing lead to another...”
Nightmare Moon said nothing the entire time, but everypony could see that she was gritting her teeth at every little word. Then she took a silent look towards Quick Story. The reporter was taking his notes as fast as he could. The dark alicorn stepped up to the cage again.
“Tell them why you banished me and what happened to my foal.” Celestia hesitated at this. She was also crying. But then she continued.
“I used the Elements on my Sister, as she came to the castle to rescue her daughter. She defeated me in the first place and was already standing by the bed where her daughter was sleeping as I used the Elements... but after that... I realized that her daughter had been awake the whole time and had seen everything. That was the first time I realized what a monster I had become... That my sister’s daughter would see me only as a monster, who took the most important pony in her life away from her.....”
Celestia sniffled a bit before she spoke again.
“So I used a special spell on her, which hid her wings and made her sleep. I made her sleep for nine hundred and eighty three years before I was brave enough to ask a loyal couple of ponies to take her as their foal.....”
At that point, Nightmare Moon cut Celestia off.
“Have you ever told these ponies who this foal was? Or even the foal herself?”
“No...”
Nightmare Moon snorted, before walking away from the cage.
“Very well, then I think it is time to tell this foal who their real mother is. Don't you think so Twilight?”
“Huh? Why are you asking me? I barely know more than the wrong legend of you from this book, so why should I know which pony is your child?” Twilight growled as Nightmare Moon stopped in front of her.
“Oh, I think you know her pretty well Twilight Sparkle....” The horn of the alicorn started to glow and her dark magical aura wrapped around the bandages covering Twilight’s midsection.
“...Because you are my sweet, little daughter!” Everypony gasped as Nightmare removed the bandages, revealing large, lavender wings on Twilight’s back! Twilight was also shocked, but mostly because of the fact, that her whole life turned out to be a giant lie. She looked back to Nightmare Moon, who was sitting on her haunches directly in front of her, tears running down her cheeks as she offered Twilight a hug.
“Would you like to share a hug with your mother, my wonderful, little Twilight?”
good so far
Thanks
Interesting idea.
There are a few spots where the grammar looks a little off or it looks like you missed a word, but other than that it looks good.
Not the first time I've read a story based on this concept, but the more the merrier I suppose.
Now, this has quite a few issues. The spelling within the story itself seems fine (not going to get started on the description and spelling of "prologue"), but the grammar is riddled with errors. First of all, nouns don't need to be capitalized, only proper nouns. Second, there's quite a few unnecessary apostrophes. I'm sure there's plenty more (less glaring) errors, but that's what I caught on a skim.
(lots of unnecessary commas, too, now that I look at it a bit closer)
Story seems fine, but you would really use editor help to fix spelling errors and increase quality of this story, despite that, I will give a look into next chapters of this story.
I will need to check over this myself, but until then...
Welcome to the Group!
Your grammar needs alot of work but the story seems interesting enough, I'll keep an eye on it
Nightmare Moon: Twilight, I am your father.
Twilight: Wut?
As others have said, you don't need to capitalize every noun. Also, you keep switching tenses almost at random. If you had an editor or someone who could just proofread your stuff before you publish it it'd really help improve the quality of your story.
You should really go through and edit this, your idea is good but your writing, as it is, leaves something to be desired.
A great take on S1E01, but you may want to do a quick run-through and check the capitalization of some nouns.
It looks like a good read, though.
The best Prologue I ever read! :) Can't wait the next chapter! Please if you can hurry whit it, because it's really good!
I'm more curious why the ponies should care. So there was tyrancy that long ago, now they are in peace, calm lands, and now Nightmare Moon is suddenly shaking up a relatively nice status quo.
This idea ad Execution is wonderful. But the actual Writing needs some major improvement.
Maybe some professional help through an Editor?
so far, so good. As others said before me there is a few issues with grammar but other than that it seems like it could be good. I give you my obligatory like and fav
no romance? moving on-
This is really good, but I seriously suggest you write future chapters and edit this one to be in past tense rather than present. Otherwise it feels a bit like a real shock reading it compared to most stories.
Otherwise very good just fix the tense.
Try changing one of the "agains" to a different word. Makes the two sentences sound awkward.
It feels as if there were parts left out of this sentence.
Add a comma between "that" and "you".
Hooves isn't a proper noun, no need to capitalize it.
Ok, every "Head", "Hoof", "Unicorn", "Pony", "Pegasus", and "Skull" do not need to be capitalized unless it is referring to a specific thing; like say skull is someone's name, then it would be capitalized to Skull.
Jetblack doesn't need to be capitalized and "raise" should be "raises" since you are speaking in present tense.
This sentence feels like a run on and could be split up to make it flow better.
I think the exclamation marks make the capitalizing of "Impossible" superfluous.
Purple words do not need capitalization. I don't want this to be exceedingly long so I will skip the misplaced capitals.
"Whole" (No need to capitalize, that "W" is there out of habit.)
All those commas are unneeded, pauses are usually not at that point in a sentence.
I thought this was already a well known faerie tale about the two sisters, unless of coarse, the story is different from the show.
"Took"
"wings", "lowering", "began"
"Blinded"
The premise is good, but I have to say that the execution is poor. I am sure if you had a couple good pre-readers and editors comb over this the quality could be improved greatly. I ended up just ignoring all the errors I spotted because this post was going to be long enough as is. I will follow this in hopes of seeing the story improve but I cannot up vote it.
This is only the Prologue. Maybe I add later some Tags, when I have more Chapters.
You mixed up your tenses. You may need to go back and revise a little.
For example:
The first and third sentences are in the present tense, while the last one is in the past tense. You need to keep to one or the other, never both*.
My suggestion, keep writing in the past tense.
Example:
* Dialogue is usually exempt from this.
2401758
A note, this appears to be more of moonlight story, not twiluna, might wanna post it there instead of in twiluna.
Good so far, but as other said, the execution is... not perfect to say the least.
Good luck for the following chapters
A few errors here and there, but over all a good story
If this is the edited version, you need a new editor, but the story itself is good
Good job with the chapter I can't wait for more.
This story, while it has been somewhat done before... has potential.
But please, get a new editor to fix the grammar and sentence structure. I got a headache at a few points trying to read this.
Fix the spelling errors and it will be beter
Will continue reading regardless
Okay, so far, good premise, poor execution. The idea seems solid, but the grammar... Although, your spelling seems good, as stated previously, you've capitalized much more than needed and have too many commas. Basically, you only need to capitalize a noun if it is a name of something/someone/somewhere. Also, the easiest way to see if a comma is needed is to read the sentence out load to yourself and see if you take a breath at any point, that is where a comma goes. For example,
This reads as "When I heard, (breath) my Sister had given Birth to a foal, (breath) which was an Alicorn, (breath) I became so jealous and furious....and one thing lead to another", when "When I heard my sister had given birth to a foal which was an Alicorn, I became so jealous and furious....and one thing lead to another," Also shows you the capitalization changes and the only spelling error I found.
I really like the premise here. Celestia was evil, but time has changed her. Most stories just pick good or evil. The story behind Nightmare and Twilight is interesting as well. Looking forward to this adventure!
MOST... EPIC... STORY!!!
already faved, please more!!!
Find an editor. The odd capitalization is problematic and breaks the story, but the dialogue also needs work. Good opening premise, but it needs some touch-up yet.
It's a good base to start with however, there are some things that can be done to improve it. First, this is a rather big info dump. My advise is to stretch this out and reveal things a bit more slowly. Pad this chapter with more details about the scene and perhaps have Nightmare and Celestia go into greater detail. Perhaps have them go into a flashback to improve the reader's experience. Remember a picture paints a thousand words, so, a thousand words write a picture. Second, where do you plan on this going? Stories are easier to write if you know where they are going to end. If you already have the ending planned, it will be a simpler matter to move everything from point a to point b.
This is my advise for you. I give this to you because I can see the great potential for this story and want to see it succeed. Use it as you see fit. Oh, and don't forget to have fun while you write it.
I see you have a fascination with the shift key. Not every word needs capitalization you know, just for names of people and places along with the beginning of sentences.
I like it! tis a good story, and interesting plot line!
The way it was written though... I strongly disliked it. Drove me nuts and made it hard to read.
I wouldn't call this an edited version, as there are bundles of weird, minor errors in spelling, and random capitalization.
Your plot is amazing, but I think you have a but of trouble putting your ideas on the page. If you need some help, i'd be more than happy to
problems aside, I still like it
2396124 Nightmare Moon: ....Mother! I meant to say Mother! Stop Laughing!
2390504I DEMAND MOAR INTERESTING CHAPTERS ON MY DESK ASAP........if that's alright with you
I've read several Luna is Twilight's mother stories and I like them in general, and as such I find myself curious as to where you're taking this concept.
A few problems that I see are unnecessary capitalisation, for example on
Capitals on "lavender" and "wings" shouldn't really be there. Also, it should be "Twilight's side". For a singular possessive you use an apostrophe. I would recommend finding an editor whose first language is English.
But considering English is your second language, this is pretty well executed and I look forward to seeing how the story, and your writing skills, develop.
Out of curiosity, where are you from and what's your first language?
“Would you like to share a Hug with your mother, my wonderful, little Twilight?”
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdnl8eRfb91rrxhj7.gif
Oh dear...didnt see that one com...well...i did about half way through...but still...
Have a track/favorite/thing.
German, german is my first language.
Working on it!
Means your post like or dislike?
2411932 it means im in utter shock and i am intensely interested in more
2411621
Ok so... as mentioned the grammar needs work.
Stuff like more than 3 periods in suspension points, bad use of exclamation points and capitalization of words that didn't need it.
Felt a bit rushed too.
You really have far too many exclamation points in this story. I would say that, outside of dialogue, the vast majority of the exclamation points used in this story need to be replaced with periods or other appropriate punctuation.
2440737>>2414279>>2411133
All errors I noticed have been fixed. Feel free to read through again if it makes you feel better
Let's see where to begin. I will first say that I like the premise of your story and that for having English as a second language you did a fine job with it. Obviously some errors but by and large it was good.
The downside to the story was that this chapter felt very rushed. I know you wanted to get to the big reveal, but the journey to that point just felt very fast. Almost as though I was reading it in bullet points. I.e. This happened, then this happened, followed by that happening. It just needs a little bit better pacing.
Another thing that would be good would be to delve into the reactions of the characters a little deeper. Like what the rest of the mane six felt when twilight was teleported out, or how pinkie felt being stuck in the building with Luna.
Heck you could even delve into the feelings of celestia as she recounts some of the things she has done. Or have small flashbacks to some of the major things she did including the why.
Typed this all on my phone so I am sorry if there are typos etc.
Keep up the hood work I hope to read more from you as the best way to get better is practice. Keep up the good work
when you gonna update this story