Twilight is Best Pony6,371 stories ·3,071 members
Twilight Sparkle12,269 stories ·4,753 members
The Hero... Nightmare Moon?319 stories ·2,179 members
Hypnosis and Mind Control1,610 stories ·3,852 members
MoonLight 3.018 stories ·7 members
On the night of her return from exile Nightmare Moon comes across resistance as she had expected. However she had a backup plan on hoof for just such a predicament, tearing off a small fraction of her soul and attaching it to the bearer of the element of magic. Now she must play the long game to ensure that she can obtain the loyalty of her new host and once more rise to power over Equestria.
Cover art thanks to Tonto the trotter.
Page generated in 0.14 seconds
Total duration
790 users online
1,211,208 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This story needs proof reading badly. There are a number of misspellings that detract from the flow of the narrative.
You've got the kernel of a great fic here, it just needs some polish.
It will be interesting to see how things go, though some editing would be a good idea. Also, while this time it is okay, be careful recapping episodes as telling readers too much about what they have already seen is boring.
Because I feel this could be good, but it needs a WHOLE bunch of editing that I'm too lazy to point out, I'll track. Just fix those mustakes, and this will be doubly awesome.
I thank you all for your honest comments on this i really do. To be honest i really only wrote and posted this because the idea planted itself in my brain and just wouldn't leave me alone untill i did something with it. I might continue it I might not either way it felt good to experiment with this idea abit.
First error to fix in the chapter is in the title, the second is the comma following the first word.
Also you may want to write a discription (and maybe get a cover image) so that people can tell what the story is about when looking through the new/updated story list.
Poor NMM, I wonder how Twilight will end up using her? I love being me.
Like i said i really only wrote this so the idea would leave me alone I'l probly delete it before too long. To further show just how hastly written this is it seems I botched a bit of the narration. Twilight has no idea of Nightmare's presence at the moment those were some thoughts of Nightmare's thoughts. Though the idea of Twilight somehow knowing about Nightmare Moon being there the whole time and playing mental chess with her might actualy make this haf baked idea some what worthwile.
I'm only two Chapters in, and I already love it. Janus, my budding author friend. You have a good imagination, I enjoy your use of Nightmare Moon in this story. It has some elements from another story I read called Kyuubidash here on Fimfiction. Link
I like the way you're portraying Nightmare, a sly and careful planner. A villain who seeks to turn her greatest enemies prized pupil into her own loyal subject. I don't think there are enough stories that portray Nightmare this way, too many have her return powered up an able to resist the elements first attempt. I kinda got around that by having her steal them in my own story.
Anyway I really enjoy the Story Janus, and I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
Tonto, Thanks for the nod of approvel and support I might have a third chapter up near the end of next week but I don't know other then a rather presistent snippit of a scene far later down the line I don't have much in the relm of ideas for this at the moment.
As for the story you linked too, I'll admit to having read from the prolog to chapter four months ago but for whatever reason the story just couldn't hold my intrest I don't know why it just couldn't. I think it was Naruto taking the easy way out really I just can't see mr. I'll-take-on-an-army-by-myself-to-save-my-friends ever taking the easy way like that.
214955 I'm not a huge Naruto fan, I know enough but not loads and loads. Plus I could never take them seriously as Ninja's. What Ninja runs around in a bright orange Jumpsuit?
Also I know that dreadful feeling of having a lack of ideas. Fear not my hyper-awake state will now allow me to present you with a veritable, plethora of wonderful ideas.
1. I think you could make a longer chapter by using a combination of three episodes. Namely Dragonshy, Bridle Gossip and Swarm of the Century. You can space these out fairly evenly and have Nightmare comment on the events, like she did in this chapter. You could also do two or three chapters using these episodes. You can have Nightmare Moon take an interest in Zecora and her potions, perhaps including it in the things she'll want Twilight to study.
2. By the time you get to Swarm of the century, Nightmare might be able to add the first little doubt regarding Celestia, seeing as she reacted so casually to the Parasprites, which Nightmare Moon, probably knows. Have been a problem for years, since her own era. Or they're perhaps something she is inexperienced with too. And adds them on the list of things she'll exterminate when she rises once more.
3. When you get to Fall weather friends, and I assume Nightmare might have some ability to plant doubts and worries in Twilight, Nightmare could use it to drive the wedge between Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Nightmare might even have to act more subdued or hide herself whilst in Celestia's presence. Nightmare could even cause Twilight to ruin Winter Wrap up, like she did at times and come to realize how vital it is, that she get this organised Mare working for her, when she watches Twilight organize the whole town.
Just a few ideas I'm throwing your way Janus ;)
Tonto, Meh given that Ninjas were ment to blend in by looking like everyday pesents they all fail in that reguard save for tenten as she just seems to blend into the background so much even the plot ignores her 85% of the time.
Thank you for those suggestions they might just give me the burst of inspreation I need. heck I might end up stealing or teaking a few of the ones one have here.
215457 Don't worry about stealing. It's not stealing if I'm giving you the ideas a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/e/fearmeplz.gif?1
I can't wait to see where you take this story
True but theft is just such a fun word to say. Also if an emoticon were to ever show up as a random encounter in an FF game that would be it.
214955
Kept meaning to leave a review but then forgot but does this mean that you're planing on turning this into actual story?
But anyway besides needing a bit of editing and the a summary, this has been a good read. Nightmare Moon's reaction to Trixie was amusing and I liked how her thoughts on Twilight seemed to keep changing. She might not be the battle mage that NM first thought she was but as the Ursa minor showed, her ability to improvise on the fly and knowledge of spells that you usually wouldn't consider worth defending against, potentially makes her even more dangerous.
...and I sorta have to wonder if Nightmare Moon is going to end up upgrading Twilight's status to official consort
.
Also I'm rather curious on how Nightmare Moon's going to react to Discord, especially if she's already started to try and leverage Twilight away from the other mane six. Or reaction to 'Lesson Zero' if Twilight still regards Celestia so deeply and has her freak out.
217169
Or maybe she made Twilight freak out even more that she normally would in Lesson Zero (when talking to herself). Personally I would place that episode as the point where Twilight begins to suspect something is influencing her. And for some reason Luna Eclipsed seems like a good time for her to realize whom is trying to interfer with her, beginning a mental chess game to out wit Nightmare that is (part of) the reason Twilight has been less involved so far this season.
Dane, I'll probly update some cahpters now and then but mostly this is just an expariment for me. Like I mentioned before the idea popped into place one day a while ago and just wouldn't bugger off untill I got to typing.
I thought I had put up a short summery for this when i published it but i guess i didn't. So I'll fix that next time I update whenever that is.
After a while if his workload decreases some I'll ask dr. Jekyll about being my editing this thing into a readible state. I tend to get flashes of inspreation now and then and that's when I get to work on something mostly it's been a rather okay side story to Peppy's "After that Fateful Night" then the idea for this cropped up and i ran my frist few chapters through word and posted it. I might have something up later this week but no promises maybe if I do written rough draft then write something up in word a few days later I'll be a bit more coharent with all of this.
Yeah Twilight's quite creative with her spell use at times and she's got some power to throw around too. As for me thanks in part to my prowling TV tropes over the past few year's I've gained a real fondness for creative tactics in fiction granted I've never been smart enough to break a game outright but I tend to have a few intresting ideas now and then.
217250
You have a fondness for creative use of magic and are not tracking The Moonstone Cup? How is that possible?
To be honest the summery didn't catch my attention. Also i just mean tactics in genirel That's why Final Fantasy VI and Final Fantsy Tactics are some of my favoret games. Speaking of the later Weigraf can go buck himself I hate that final fight with him. Hell Legend of Legaia is way underated if you ask me the combat system of that game is really fun fighting game like physical attacks and a somewhat pokemon like magic system with spells/summons that level up over time I'm still baffled as to why it didn't take off back in the day.
Is anything important at all going to happen yet? Or is the entire story really going to be just NMM's input about each episode? Cause.... That's boring....
Well Janus, you certainly didn't disappoint with this chapter. It was really entertaining and enjoyable. Admittedly, I wasn't expecting a more summarized version of events. But it worked, it worked really well. So Parasprites are Discord's creations? That does make a lot of sense, of course Celestia brushed it off, either not remembering them or thinking they were harmless, or deciding Twilight couldn't have prevented the destruction they caused.
Also CONTINUITY! I think this is the first time, anyone ever mentioned anything about the Parasprites Twilight altered as possibly becoming a new subspecies. So congrats on that Janus, you're Genius level attention to detail pays off once more
. Nightmare's thought of using them as living weapons was actually, a very nice touch.
Also did you borrow my ideas on Poison Joke? Would be nice to see Tick Tock's favourite creative tool, being used in other stories. Intentional transformations and afflictions can be a very powerful tool. Especially when Posion Joke is involved
. Will be cool to see Nightmare/Twilight begin her alchemy studies, I wonder what wonders she'll discover? Also nice to know that Poison Joke is fairly new to Equestria, probably exclusive to Everfree Forest or other odd climates (Odd as in looks after itself XD).
There are a few minor spelling errors, which I can send you a PM about later. So you can make the small fixes. Unless you have an editor already?
This chapter needs some REALLY heavy editing. There are a lot of spelling mistakes that are obviously the product of rush-writing rather than actual ignorance of the word. I know there's pressure to put out new chapters, but proofreading really is a must.
Jirodyne, While I can't give too much away i will say that Nightmare will be more upcomming chapters.
Tonto, I'll admit that Tick Tock's use of Poison Joke is what brought that possiblity to mind. I'll try not to impead too much more on your idea as this progresses.
Yeah the Parasprites being a creaton of Discords was something I came up with when I thought about them for a bit sickiningly cute with locast like hunger and exploscive breeding seems like something artifical. If they had come about through nature especialy the tightly regimentated and controlled natural selection of Equestria there would be something out there too keep thier numbers down. the bit about using them as a weapon was just a thought i had the other day because unless you know how to deal with them they really would be quite usefull in destroying a nations resources.
Bunneh, thank you for that I admit this story probibly need a date with the red pen many times over but well Rush writing is kinda what i have to do if i don't act on an idea i lose it. I do have an editore in mind but I'd perfer to let his load lighten abit before i drop this on him.
231219 Actually Janus, I'd be flattered if you did use something similar to Tick Tock's Poison Capsules. Nightmare did say, she wished to learn how to cause specific effects with the plant. And if there's one pony who could do that, it's Twilight. Assuming Nightmare doesn't somehow steal knowledge from Zecora and give it to Twilight. But I digress.
It's your story and if it has similarities to my own, that's fine, Great minds think alike as they say
Tonto, Thanks I'll think on it I might have an idea or two bouncing around but that can be put on the back burner for now. I've got a few very rough ideas for the next chapter in mind but i doubt I'll have anything worth reading for a while yet.
232185
Woah. Bit TOO much praise here.
-.-
My opinion?
Good idea, but the thoughts...NO!
I WANT TO SEE EVIL TWILIGHT! Not opinions!
It's just thoughts and opinions, over and OVER!
233122 We all want to see an Evil, Manipulated, corrupted Twilight sunrise. Give Janus some time, if he just made Twilight insta-evil, would the story be worth reading? Instant evil just isn't as interesting as the hero being won over/seduced by the dark side. It adds that extra element of awesome to a story.
Besides, I think next Chapter Nightmare will start to influence things. Janus, will probably start changing certain events in the main series. Like Twilight using a spell on the Hydra, a spell Nightmare might've whispered to her, or given her. And from there the corruption can begin
.
Sunrise TheVulpix, Yes I agree aside from the hook there really isn't much to this story even with some proper editing it's really only a bit above average. To be honest I'd love to see one of the better authers on the site take the concept of this idea and run with it.
Tonto, Oh yes Nightmare is going to be more active next chapter though I'm not sure if it will be in the way you are thinking.
took me a while to read this chapter... sorry mate but i'm gonna untrack this... i just feel like im reading about the episodes i'e already seen and its very very boring and feels like nothing really happens. its a bit sad as moonlight is one of my fav ships and its a ship that really needs more stories. in particularly good ones as i have yet to see a good moonlight shipfic.
also on a side note, it felt a big lacking that NMM wouldn't have some sort of rage outburst when she would be able to stare face 2 face with Celestia... just saying...
That's fine I'll readily admit I'm not up to snuff with many of the writers here still though it was nice having your attention for a while.
It was a little short
. But I liked it 
.
Nice chapter Janus, I was kinda hoping for a longer chapter, but it was still a good one. A few minor spelling mistakes but far fewer than your earlier chapters so props there for spotting them. I look forward to reading your next chapter
Thanks for the vote of confidence there. to be honest I'm kinda surprized i didn't butcher things more than normal. I've been kinda distracted lately as I just became an uncle on the 25th.
264186 Yeah I remember that feeling when I became an uncle first time. It was a bit of a rough patch for me and everyone in the family.
Yeah same here little N had be be taken via C section on the 31rst week of the term I just wish i could swing some tockets to the UK to see my sister and nephew.
Anyhow, I guess I might have ended things abit abruptly this chapter but it felt like a good stopping point to me.
Doubt was indeed just a mouthpeice for Nightmare Moon, can't be too straightforward in her plans ow can she?
264911 Lol I can't imagine that ending well.
*NMM* Hello I'm Nightmare Moon, I've been living in your head and feeding off your dreams and can't help but notice some shortcomings.
*Twilight* Spike take a letter please
*NMM* Ah Crap
As funny as that is it just makes me wonder two things, One could the Elements be turned on one of thier weilder's like that and Two given the kind of power those things are known to posses what exactly would be the result of turning them on a mortal pony?
hmm i wonder ...
oh dear the nightmare is going to become the pawn of equestrias most powerfull unicorn i should say anything else
.
Twilight using Nightmare as a pawn? That's an intresting idea to be sure though i find it hard to beleive that a unicorn mage fresh from the acadomy would be able to beat a millenias old goddess in mind games consistencey. Really Twilight and the rest were lucky in show that Nightmare didn't learn from the mistake of her first battle agianst the Elements of harmony, and that she really didn't seem to consider the mane six a threat.
OMC, Pinkie is a bard. I can't imagine how it didn't occur to me before, but in hindsight it works perfectly.
just you wait I intend to expand on that abit if You're a fan of Lunar Silver Star Story Complete or the C.S. Leiws Narania books you'll be able to guess at just what I'm hinting at there.
This is good so far.
I thank you for that, I'm trying to peice the next chapter together in my head right now I might get it written up Saturday but i make no promises there.
6:30 am, about to go to bed. *Checks my tracked stories* Sit's back down to read this well written tale.
Great chapter Janus, besides some spelling errors this chapter was brilliant. Twilight killing the Hydra was great, having Nightmare give Twilight pleasant dreams when she listens to her advice is a very subtle way of manipulating her. Assuring her that being bad is great when she has to be. I also enjoyed Seeing Gilda, that was a great addition to the young fliers. Perhaps Nightmare will encourage Twilight's friendship with her? After all who better to learn of Griffins, than from a Griffin herself.
Twilight learning her own hammer space spell/astral mane spell is also a good idea. I like where you're going with the story, I have a feeling that certain things are going to happen, but I'll wait and see if you surprise me. You surprised me with this chapter. I look forward to what you do with the Diamond Dogs, and how angry/pissed Nightmare will be that ponies are fending off Buffalo with Pies. I'm sure Twilight could marshal a more... strategically sound defence plan, especially with Nightmare guiding her. Appleoosian society is likely going to grate on Nightmares nerve's
. Also we need Luna & Nightmare emoticons to express happiness.
Anyway until the next chapter, keep up the good work, this was a joy to read
Edit: Also love the longer length of this chapter, I hope you can keep the word count high in later chapters
Well I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter Tonto, though I have to say I'm not to fond of it it took most of the damn day to get it written, I'd get a paragraph or two out than hit a block. I only made some real progress after I left it alone for a few hours to have supper and play Chrono Trigger for a while. As for chapter lengith I think I'll shoot for the 1,500 to 2,000 word count but if I go over either I won't complain.
so far so good i wonder if twilight could possibly turn nightmare moon into a good guy or will all things go to hell?
oh well till next chapter 'tally ho'.
297411
Agreed.
Great chapter.
Xaldon Ajide, Anonymo thank you both I'll do my best for the next chapter, though it may be a while before i start on it haven't got any brainstorms as of yet.
Thank you for the adivce. I'm intending to be less tied into cannon with season two given that Twilight isn't as prominet there so that gives me a bit more room to work in.
Theres not many ways for me to put this, so let me try. I REALLY LOVE this story
It has a certain thing about it I just really like. Not completly sure what it is. Maybe the way Nightmare's working here or something else. Either way, i really like it and can't wait for more.
You know, I'm actually torn between reading and not reading it, and the not reading is actually winning.
I mean, the rating indicates that the plot is extraordinary well, or at least it is good enough to compensate the obvious mistakes. The spelling, on the other hoof... I mean... Let's start with the story name.
Entiwned. WHAT? OH COME ON! Are you trying?
Oppertunities. I don't even.
I'll let this be, those two factors and the description, which lacks a comma, by the way, are huge turn-offs.