• Member Since 26th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen May 26th, 2013



Fireteam Union maybe a crash corse or babies, but people will rue the day that They existed. Based of the series by Dusk Quill.

If you don't like the story, tell me what I should fix. If you don't like ponies fighting, then this is not a story for you.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 13 )

Dusk Quill posted a request about giving a look at your story, and as much as I'd hate to say it. This story is going to get bashed by a lot of readers if you don't fix this quickly. And since I'm bad at explaining, or teaching someone else the technique of writing (I don't know why but it's true). My only suggestion is to get a proofreader. Have a nice day. :twilightsmile:

I gotta say broseph, this story is not making any sense. I'll leave grammar alone since I get mixed up with it a lot, but my honest opinion, however brutal it may be to you, is this story is kind of...well, crap. You have to learn to pace the story. Introduce characters at a slower rate, not just cram as much information as you can into one paragraph. Explain a bit more of where they are, what they're doing, etc. Give us more to go on. Your transitions need some work as well. I always use a line to indicate scene change.
The concept is good, I like the idea of a CoD Pony world like you're going for here, it just needs some TLC. It might help to get a pre-reader. (Sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way.:scootangel:)

P.S. I'm kind of a nerd so please forgive me for this, but in the last chapter you spoke of Semtex. I would just like the record to show that it is not called Semtex because it sticks to people. It's what the explosive is called. Semtex is similar to C4 but it has a slightly higher explosive force. The only reason it sticks is because of a special adhesive they cover it with.:moustache:

If anything I thank you for your artistic criticism and I know about the adhesive on Semtex. It will be fixed very soon.

Gus, if you don't like this, please leave a comment why you don't and ill try to fix it.

Well, I like the idea however I feel like your problem, and where a lot of the thumbs down, are coming from is mostly likely the formatting, and working on grammar. I'm not sure if you're like me and just are horrible at checking your own work or if you were just excited about getting what you have and then posted it... however I feel like you skipped out on giving your story a go over after you finished the chapter. I'd really, really recommend looking it over and reading it out load to see if you've missed something.

Also, it's alright if you do miss stuff, but I feel like either you need to spend some more time trying to work on the editing (which sadly IS one of the biggest parts of writing) or try to find a proofreader to help you with the editing. I'd offer, however I'm not very good and I'd only get you so far. I want to say there's a group called "Arthurs helping Arthurs" or something like that... you could try there, or if you have a close friend or family member that you wouldn't mind letting them see your work and getting help from them.

One thing I CAN clarify, and hopefully give ya some more green thumbs rather than red ones:

Lets start with this line,

"Whoa, that's a lot of intel".

Now the problem here is that the punctuation needs to be on the inside of the quotation mark.

"Whoa, that's a lot of intel."

...of course now looking back through your work I see that you DO have some stuff with your marks in the right areas... sooooo I'm going to say that you know that and it was just one of the many errors that happen when you're typing up the rough draft.

So I guess then I really have to say please go back and work on editing. I think you could have some cool ideas, but I feel like you're getting tripped up.

2285028Well I do have a proofreader.

2285028Thanks for the input thought. I'm glad you just didn't dislike it.

Comment posted by thereareonly2genders deleted Apr 15th, 2013
Comment posted by thereareonly2genders deleted Apr 15th, 2013

Someday, I will write a romantic prose to the fairer sex through the eyes of a gentlecolt, and call it How to Impress a Mare. Then this reference will be glorious.

2451964 It shall. I got a new follower! Huzza!

Comment posted by CosmonautPony deleted May 11th, 2013
Login or register to comment