Skyfall: Lightning Strike

by NOBLEDASH77

A place to start

"You have a row of dominoes set up; you knock over the first one, and what will happen to the last one is that it will go over very quickly."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

Spitfire sat at her desk. Her new fireteam had been scheduled to come in. Spitfire is leading the first counter-terrorist fireteam mainly consisting of Pegasi. A Pegasus pony entered the room, a gray male with red eyes and a brown mane in the style of a mohawk. His name was Lightning Strike.

"Master Sargent Lightning Strike reporting for duty ma'am."

After him came a female Pegasus named Sargent Harp Strings. She was taller than Spitfire and longer when on her hoofs. Her coat was a light yellow and her eyes green with a green mane. Then after her came in Specialist Night Flash a black male Pegasus with brown mane and blue eyes. Finally, a brown Pegasus with a green eyes and green hair walked in. His named was Glider.

"Welcome to Fireteam Union, Equestria's first top secret fireteam"
Spitfire stressed the words top secret."

"You will learning to use the most advanced weaponry and tactics we have."

"Will we be learning how to pick up a marefriend?" Nightflash said, being the typical smartcolt he was.

Spitfire gave him a stern look. He went straight back to attention position.

"You will refer to me as miss, ma'am or Union-Actual got that"

"Yes ma'am" the squad replied.

"Dismissed" Spitfire told the squad.

"Hey rookie" Harp Strings called over to Lightning Strike.

"Me ?" Lightning replied in confused.

"No, Celestia. Yes you. Let me ask you, have you ever seen combat"

Believing she was hostile Lightning answered a meek "no".

Harp punched him hard, making him fall to the floor. "You're gonna, rookie". She left him to get up.

Lightning went to the firing range. He was given strict instructions by Staff Sargent Double Tap on how to fire a gun. This was something new. Lightning had only heard about gun, but never thought that the government would but them into actual action. The four ponies were given a beat-up gun that Nightflash jokingly referred to as 'Frankenstein'. He aimed down the sight, and pulled the trigger.

BOOM!

The target fell down. Lightning was surprised by the weapon's recoil. Harp, Nightflash, and Glider fired. Out of the three ponies, only Nightflash hit the target remotely.
Sniper, the firing range instructor cursed at the ponies, except Lightning for missing. Afterwords they reported to their bunks. The next day they went back to the firing range. Lightning saw that the targets were in a shape of a pony.The next day Lightning found himself crawling half a mile thought dirt and mud. Half-way through, Nightflash threw up. For the next few days, they were taught how to use a grenade. Each month their training got more extreme, with one month being repelling, which lightning didn't get, since he was a Pegasus, but it was standard. And another month BUD/S training. After training for months of their their bodies and minds, they were finally de-briefed on their first mission. Lightning walked into the room sitting down next to Nightflash and looking at the board. Spitfire walked, in, a stern look on her face.

"Welcome to your first de-briefing. Today, were looking for changeling insurgents crossing the boarder. Their leader, Chysaliz . We refer to him as Commy, got that?"

Every pony in the room nodded yes. The de-brief went on for hours. Lightning wrote down everything Spitfire said. To the others the brief went on for hours, until silence broke. Then all of the sudden Spitfire said, "Well, get ready. You will be deployed at 1500 hours to attack a small outpost on the border. Dismissed"

Lightning walked out of the room. He went to a bathroom. He threw the stall door open and started to puke. he was very nervous.

Union reached the staging area. "Glider, you and Nightflash scout the area, be quiet, we don't want any unessesary attention" Harp said to the two colts. Lightning was glad , he was perventing the inebitable of going into combat. Nightflash lead the way, taking his M4A1, the fire mode set to semi-automatic. Two insurgents patrolled the field. Nightflash took out his knife, which looked like a dragons tooth, and dispatched the guards. One of the changelings saw them, and he started to open fire. Then the rest followed. The valley lit up with the light of the firing weapons.

Lightning and Harp heard the fire and caught up to the other two. They saw the changelings hiding behind anything they could find.

"Take the grenade.Pull the pin and throw it already." Harp said, handing Lightning the grenade, which looked like a baseball. Lightning threw it. The explosive landed near two changelings and it exploded, killing the two. One changeling that was hiding behind cover, blind fired, almost hitting Lightning. Lightning risking getting shot, peeked out from his cover and shot at the changeling. The changeling fell down, and didn't come back up. The team moved up to the first door. Glider set the breaching charge. The door blew open and remains from the door scattered everywhere. All of the sudden a changeling ran at Glider with a knife. Glider took his rifle and started to hit changeling with the rifle. The team moved up the stairs. A wooden door resided at the top, which Harp kicked in. A changeling ran started ran at Harp, twisting her arm. Harp kicked him. The changeling ended up on the ground. On the table in the room, a relatively good amount of papers were on the table.

"Whoa, that's a lot of papers.". Glider exclaimed in shock, from all of the papers every where.

"Pack it up where taking this stuff with us, wether or not its intel.", Harp said.

"Harp move!" Lightning exclaimed taking his gun and shooting the changeling that rushed Harp. Green blood was on the floor. Lightning started to gag. He'd never seen changeling blood before.

Harp got up. "Thanks rookie". She said to Lightning, who was still gagging. She swallowed her pride. Then, she remembered, he was just a rookie.

"Let go." Harp said relived that the mission was a success.

Comments

[The Guy on Your Right]

Dusk Quill posted a request about giving a look at your story, and as much as I'd hate to say it. This story is going to get bashed by a lot of readers if you don't fix this quickly. And since I'm bad at explaining, or teaching someone else the technique of writing (I don't know why but it's true). My only suggestion is to get a proofreader. Have a nice day.

[Treilacl]

Well, I like the idea however I feel like your problem, and where a lot of the thumbs down, are coming from is mostly likely the formatting, and working on grammar. I'm not sure if you're like me and just are horrible at checking your own work or if you were just excited about getting what you have and then posted it... however I feel like you skipped out on giving your story a go over after you finished the chapter. I'd really, really recommend looking it over and reading it out load to see if you've missed something.

Also, it's alright if you do miss stuff, but I feel like either you need to spend some more time trying to work on the editing (which sadly IS one of the biggest parts of writing) or try to find a proofreader to help you with the editing. I'd offer, however I'm not very good and I'd only get you so far. I want to say there's a group called "Arthurs helping Arthurs" or something like that... you could try there, or if you have a close friend or family member that you wouldn't mind letting them see your work and getting help from them.

One thing I CAN clarify, and hopefully give ya some more green thumbs rather than red ones:

Lets start with this line,

"Whoa, that's a lot of intel".

Now the problem here is that the punctuation needs to be on the inside of the quotation mark.

"Whoa, that's a lot of intel."

...of course now looking back through your work I see that you DO have some stuff with your marks in the right areas... sooooo I'm going to say that you know that and it was just one of the many errors that happen when you're typing up the rough draft.

So I guess then I really have to say please go back and work on editing. I think you could have some cool ideas, but I feel like you're getting tripped up.