Twilight is currently researching a breakthrough in magic, the wisp. It is an anomaly found deep in the deserts, a place few pony venture due to the harsh conditions and erratic weather. Very few accounts of the desert have been written, let alone available for research. An infamous Canterlot scientist disappeared in the depths of the desert, but his research journal had appeared within the Canterlot Library one day.
Diploid was a brilliant researcher, but his mind was confused. It battled itself in a matter of minds, a split personality. He was cast out of high society when he began to pursue questionable fields of research. Rather than remain in Canterlot, he explored the desert and its mysterious depths. The discoveries he made were curious, for he was the first observer of the phenomena he named, the wisp.
When Twilight gets a hold of his research account, she quickly realizes that there was much more to the desert than meets the eye.
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Name: The Matters of Mind and Magic
Grammar Score: 5
Pros: It's always interesting to read fics about magic theories and new kinds of magic. This fic can most certainly fulfill that.
The tone of a crazy pony is very well pulled off in the journal entry.
Small tangents make the story feel like a flow of thoughts.
Cons: The grammar in this fic needs serious work. Quotations and line spacing, along with tense inconsistencies are the most glaring issues.
Celestia is slightly OOC, though being a comedy, this is understandable to a point. I would advise holding back just a bit.
The small, random asides are incredibly humorous, but as stated above, they would flow into the story better if the tenses didn't change.
Notes: This story is already shaping up to be rather amusing. The tangents could be seen as either detrimental or as assets, but either way, they truly come a across the way they were intended. I'm eager to read more of the journal entries, as these are incredibly well done. Unifying your tenses would be the first step to repairing the fic grammatically, and it would certainly give much more legitimacy.
Hope this review was helpful and glad you've come to the group! Please review my fic Marks of Harmony when you get the chance. It's a long one, so I won't expect you to review all the chapters all at once.
1899128
Thank you for the review, it is greatly appreciated
I can see, rather read, what you mean with how the grammar is lacking. Considering I don't have a dash of experience with writing and the lack of an official editor, the grammar culminates to a snowball of caffeine and panic. I could imagine that this skill comes through time and experience, possibly though an editor as well.
The asides do serve an intended purpose. I'm glad that they did come across accordingly. But with the entire Celestia situation, I'm either planning to expose the nature of this later on, which would result in slip-space time ruptures, or just editing her portion entirely.
On a side note, do you want me to go about reviewing your story chapter by chapter, or as a whole? I plan to get around to this after I finish studying for numerous subjects, as we all love testing.
1899302
I think grouping maybe three chapters at a time would be best. You can get a feel for the story through that amount, without reading overly much.
Yeah, writing skill is just something you pick up as you write. Some more advice I would give is to just read a lot. A lot. Multiple authors, multiple genres. Doing this gives you an idea of writing styles and proper grammar and such.
And yes, annoying tests are annoying.
1899386
I feel like I should get back to finishing the story Fallout: Project Horizons, but I'll put that off for now. Your point on diversification of reading material makes sense for learning writing styles. Though, I haven't had too much time to read as of late. I would blame vacation, but wouldn't that mean more time to read? Other than that, I'll make sure to get that review up and running, and I'll make sure to stick to three chapters at a time. The review(s) would more than likely be located at the chapter that marks a stopping point. Language is difficult, from Chinese (which I speak), to English, and then Spanish, which is difficult.
Hello there, its SpeederClaw with a wonderful review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors. So then, let's get started.
-The Matters of Mind and Magic
Grammar Score: 6.5
Pros
-Interesting concept of how this wisp is an incarnation of raw magic and where you could take that; creative potential
-Tone of the story stays consistent/amusing
Cons
-Celestia is really OOC (unless you're headed for Molestia territory...then you're not that far away) which is suitable for this type of story, but it's a little over the top at times
-Grammar issues involving tense (choose past; it's way easier), quotations and some commas
Con/Pro
-Small random side conversations/outbursts can be either a good thing or a bad thing. It either disrupts the flow of the story or it adds more depth depending on the reader's view.
Notes: (Damn you 1899128 for saying everything I was going to say
) That being said, I thought it was a fun read. You seem to be slowly taking the story into the right direction and there is witty humor spread to and fro. You might want to add the Random tag because it really got out of hand at times (which, again, can be good or bad). Also, for editing, you must choose dat tense (past) and then focus more on the other issues (which aren't that bad, but should be dealt with).
Hopefully this was a helpful review for ya and I wish you good luck with this fic. If you have the time, please take a look at my story, One Shot, One Chance. I'd appreciate any feedback you have.
1899435
(oh geez copy pasta)
Thank you for the review, this is greatly appreciated
The Celestia/Molestia parallelism may or may not be something I go for. Honestly, I'm still mapping out the arc that involves Canterlot. Whether I provide reasoning for Celestia's OOC will depend on how I may take the story. Also, Molestia scares me. I read the entire blog last week per friend recommendation, and I. Am. Scared.
I'll also have that review out at some point in the future. It's a really broad term, but I just have some studying and homework that I'm currently tied up in. It's like there are snakes on the plane, but now there are snakes on every plane.
1899458 Aha, that's fine. Get to my story whenever you have the time. To be honest, I never finished reading the Molestia fic...and I don't think I ever will. Yeah, I never will.
1900569
I believe I have nightmares as a result. Oh geez, that could be a horrendous pun
Also, I'm going to do your review in chunks of either 4 or 6 chapters, considering the chapter length isn't as gratuitous as some other stories I've seen.
Hello! Night Shine here from Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: "The Matters of Mind and Magic"
Grammar score out of 10: 6
("We" here refers to two subjects. Kinda confusing)
Please rephrase; I am so confused >.<
Room for improvement:
-Starting with a description of how it was a beautiful day is kind of cliche.
-Your phrasing seems a bit awkward, even though it is clear that you are trying to use descriptive language, which is a start. For example:
Majestic is used twice, alicorn is misspelled, and the way you placed "She" seems like it's referring to the bird, not Celestia. A word of advice on descriptive language: Instead of only using adjectives to describe things, use similes, metaphors, personification, and symbols.
-Referencing memes, such as 'the fun has been doubled', should be done with extreme caution and only in the appropriate situation--otherwise it just comes off as forced.
What I liked:
THIS. FREAKING THIS. The language was very well-done, and of course the scene itself is hilarious. More like this, please. :3
-All of the 'RCAAILS' things, as well as the scheming mattress, were great. These kind of flawless and hilarious tangent descriptions are what made books like the Percy Jackson series so enjoyable.
-Concept-wise, I really love how you displayed Celestia and Luna as nearly incompetent, what with the mattress full of unread letters, Luna careening down the halls, and generally the way Watson treats them.
I hope this helped! It'd be awesome if you could take a look at my story: The Elements of Disharmony: Necessary Corruption