- Member Since 4th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Nov 14th, 2019
thatguyfromkfc
I'm British, I write sad-fics, play Minecraft and watch ponies.
thatguyfromkfc
Joined 4th Dec, 2011 ·
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i really hope this gets better
Several things:
1 - interesting concept!
2 - Watch your style. Some grammar mistakes can really mess things up.
3 - Delve into personalities. Any pony might have shouted "What is she doing," but you chose Twilight to do it. Something that introduced Twilight to the scene and showed how she was feeling would have made it more meaningful.
4 - Length! This is really really short, so people didn't get a very good taste of the story! Despite how tempting it is to just publish the story, it is necessary to make sure that people get hooked in the first chapter.
Good so far, especially with the explanation!
I can't wait to see where this is going. I agree with goo on what needs to be worked on. But the concept sounds extremely interesting and I can't help to see its connections to my own fanfiction on here and thew leasked song "Smile Smile Smile" by Pinkie Pie. You've done a great job so far and I can't wait to see what happens!
Oh! You helped out and read my fanfiction! No wonder it sounded entertaing to me! Hey! How are you?
Mane 6 dying is of massive cliche'.
Ditzy is yellow? Coulda swore she was grey, eh. Anywayyyyys, it seems no one has made a death about Fluttershy... Hmmmm
I beg of you, don't go there. "One of the Mane 6 dies" fics just aren't worth the trouble. Trust me.
Put your talents to use by writing something that is NOT essentially incapable of having an ending befitting of a MLP fic, among other things.
Detail. You have to paint an image and set the tone for the idea you're trying to get across.
Continuity. Your reader doesn't have any context - you have to provide that as part of the narrative. It's very difficult to tell who is up to what as written.
Structure. You say you plan on making your readers cry. That's not actually a reasonable goal. People have very different reactions to similar situations because they have very different life experiences. Don't tell us a tear-jerker - tell us the story of Pinkie Pie struggling to come to terms with Dash's death while trying to shoulder the weight of her four best friends mourning. Draw us in to the emotions of it.
As flamingspitfireflank and Fox say, you're stepping into cliché territory. Pulling off a fic on a subject that has been clichéd as much as this one has is really difficult. Go for it! Be patient with your work. Craft it carefully and even a cliché can be a gem!
yes!I'm tired of reading senseless fics!!!
But.........WHAT THE HECK
131677
Obviously, the fic went from Fluttershy and then to Derpy Hooves/Ditzy Doo. I understand that there wasn't much of a sentence to tell of us of the change, but we have to be respectful, because the writer is attempting to tell a story. He was kind enough to review my very first fanfiction and I don't believe I'm that good of a writer either, but he still commented on it. Even though "everyone" is using one of the Mane 6 dying as a plot device...I don't really think it is cliche its just that the impact of one of them dying and how it affects the characters needs to be explored by many people.
More!
So cute! That's right Pinkie! Rainbow Dash wouldn't want that! Especially because you are the element of laughter!
You did great on this chapter! It was awesome! I think you portrayed Pinkie Pie really well!
Rainbow would never want her best friend to be sad!
No, AppleJack, she wants to celebrate the fact that Rainbow lived, not her death!
The story has a nice touch to it, but..... 500 words isn't long. I can't stress this enough. Long is about 5,000 words. My usual chapter is about 1,500 words. I suggest you put a little more time and effort into the sstory and don't try to rush it. I finished this story in about 10 seconds flat. I say it needs to be 20% cooler and longer. Coolstorybroski, plz make moar.
This was great! Although, it did have a few grammatical errors. Keep up the great work!
It says Pinkamena Diane Pie? IT'S A TRAP!
Jw, is this fix dead?
Fic*
249146
I don't have any ideas!
I'm sorry! Don't kill me!
249818
Would you object to my helping you?
249818 no matter. I'll pm you a chapter soon, use it if you like, just proof read and give me at least a little credit
294283
I could do with a pre-reader.