The storm was getting worse. Rainbow Dash fought against the wind fiercely. The storm wasn't scheduled for another week! Rainbow dived as a lightning bolt almost hit her. There was a sudden shout from the side.
"RAINB--!" Rainbow Dash turned to see a flash of light slam into a yellow pegasus.
She watched as Ditzy spiralled towards the ground. There was nothing she could do. She slammed her back hooves into one of the smaller storm clouds. The storm was ferocious now. It was like some invisible force was going on a rampage. There was a sudden flash. Rainbow looked down to see three blurs dive out of Sugarcube Corner. Pegasi were being slammed out of the sky like flies. Nopony was going to die today. Rainbow suddenly sped upwards towards the eye of the storm. She was going to end this. Everyone stared upwards. What was she doing? Was she insane? Pinkie Pie looked upwards and her eyes widened as she saw what her friend was doing. Everypony stared at the sky out of their windows. Twilight and the other 3 mares joined Pinkie.
"WHAT IS SHE DOING!?" Shouted Twilight. Pinkie Pie didn't speak. She just stared up at the sky watching her friend risk her life. Rainbow struggled against the now raging winds. Just when Rainbow's hooves had almost hit the cloud something hard slammed into her. She only thought one thing before she crashed into the ground. 'I tried.'
Here lies Rainbow Dash
The Element of Loyalty
Loyal to the end
She tried.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Authors Notes: Just a short chapter to introduce the story. I know this chapter probably isn't enough to make you cry but I'll try to make at least the last chapter make you cry. Don't forget to tell me what you think!
i really hope this gets better
Several things:
1 - interesting concept!
2 - Watch your style. Some grammar mistakes can really mess things up.
3 - Delve into personalities. Any pony might have shouted "What is she doing," but you chose Twilight to do it. Something that introduced Twilight to the scene and showed how she was feeling would have made it more meaningful.
4 - Length! This is really really short, so people didn't get a very good taste of the story! Despite how tempting it is to just publish the story, it is necessary to make sure that people get hooked in the first chapter.
Good so far, especially with the explanation!
I can't wait to see where this is going. I agree with goo on what needs to be worked on. But the concept sounds extremely interesting and I can't help to see its connections to my own fanfiction on here and thew leasked song "Smile Smile Smile" by Pinkie Pie. You've done a great job so far and I can't wait to see what happens!
Oh! You helped out and read my fanfiction! No wonder it sounded entertaing to me! Hey! How are you?
Mane 6 dying is of massive cliche'.
Ditzy is yellow? Coulda swore she was grey, eh. Anywayyyyys, it seems no one has made a death about Fluttershy... Hmmmm
I beg of you, don't go there. "One of the Mane 6 dies" fics just aren't worth the trouble. Trust me.
Put your talents to use by writing something that is NOT essentially incapable of having an ending befitting of a MLP fic, among other things.
Detail. You have to paint an image and set the tone for the idea you're trying to get across.
Continuity. Your reader doesn't have any context - you have to provide that as part of the narrative. It's very difficult to tell who is up to what as written.
Structure. You say you plan on making your readers cry. That's not actually a reasonable goal. People have very different reactions to similar situations because they have very different life experiences. Don't tell us a tear-jerker - tell us the story of Pinkie Pie struggling to come to terms with Dash's death while trying to shoulder the weight of her four best friends mourning. Draw us in to the emotions of it.
As flamingspitfireflank and Fox say, you're stepping into cliché territory. Pulling off a fic on a subject that has been clichéd as much as this one has is really difficult. Go for it! Be patient with your work. Craft it carefully and even a cliché can be a gem!
yes!I'm tired of reading senseless fics!!!But.........WHAT THE HECK
131677
Obviously, the fic went from Fluttershy and then to Derpy Hooves/Ditzy Doo. I understand that there wasn't much of a sentence to tell of us of the change, but we have to be respectful, because the writer is attempting to tell a story. He was kind enough to review my very first fanfiction and I don't believe I'm that good of a writer either, but he still commented on it. Even though "everyone" is using one of the Mane 6 dying as a plot device...I don't really think it is cliche its just that the impact of one of them dying and how it affects the characters needs to be explored by many people.