Chapter 2
CHAPTER 2
Killing those wolf things was easy, though that is to be expected when I'm the one fighting. They were slow, weak, and fragile, I don't like killing as much as I act like I do, but I have no idea where I am so I'm running on instinct. I've seen Vampire lairs filled with body and blood all over the walls, I've seen grotesque creatures eat living people, and I've seen demons mold about 30 corpses in to masses of flesh that come alive just for fun. But I have not seen wolves made of wood and their blood is like sap, 'I'm gonna have fun cleaning that off me,' I thought with sarcasm. Then I put my foot on the last wolf's head, it looked at me as if I were a monster. And it has a right to, I am by all rights a monster. All of a sudden I feel bad for doing this, but I can't take it back and the wolf's wounds are to great. ' I might as well put it out of it's misery,' I thought, then I use my foot to crush it's skull. I finely realized I was not alone, as I heard gasps to my left.
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He killed it, just crushed it's head with ease and the six had no idea who or what it was. Then it looked in their direction with a look that five of the six just thought was scary as buck, the one of them that could recognize the expression was AJ. But of course she was still terrified of him, so she did not dare move, none of her friends did. Then one spoke.
“Um... did they attack you...” Fluttershy almost whispered, to every one's shock, Even Gale was shocked to a degree.
' They. Can. Talk... Holy shit, that's new and their ponies with horns and wings no less. Hah, what a trip,' Gale thought, then decided to answer. “Yeah, but I'm fine. I hope I didn't scare you and you're friends,” Gale paused to see they're reactions. Their jaws dropped to the floor in a cartoonish manner, he then continued, “can you please tell me where I am, I think I just fell from the sky. I don't remember making plans for skydiving through the atmosphere,” he finished.
“Your in Equestria Mr...” Twilight said.
“Gale Attain, and you,” said Gale.
“My name is Twilight sparkle, and these are my friends,” said Twilight, getting more comfortable around him. This Gale was now less scary and more interesting then anything. He wore tattered pants, his hair was a mess, but the tips of his hair were spiked and the color was the same as rust. He was tall, very muscular, and his skin was a pale gray. His eyes were blood red and the whites of his eyes were black. But what scared and saddened her was the amount of scars he had. It seemed unnatural for anything to have that many wound and sill be alive to this day. 'He looks like he's be through more then I can imagine,” she thought.
“I'm Fluttershy, it's... it's nice to meet you,” Fluttershy introduced and again shocking her friends. 'What is he, he's not bad, I can feel him good will. I don't know why, but I'm not afraid to talk to him,' she thought in confusion.
“Name's Applejack” AJ said in a slightly defensive tone, like she was going to keep an eye on him. 'That look that he had, it was the same Big Mac's when he had to take care of those little animals eatin our stock. He looked like he didn't really enjoy it,' she thought feeling conflicted.
“Uh... I-I'm Rainbow Dash,” stuttered Dash, not knowing what to say. 'what is this guy, he can't be real, so much muscle, so many scars. He killed these bloodthirsty timberwolves and he doesn't even have a scratch,' Dash thought completely stunned.
“I am Rarity, a pleasure to meet you're aquanauts Mr Attain” Rarity elegantly said with a small bow. “I have no clue what he is but his fashion is... simple, and yet it still complements him for some reason, is it because of his body? All in all he is very interesting,' she though.
“Hi I'm Pinkie Pie and I like parties, do you like parties, I bet you do like parties. Oh my gosh, I don't know you that means I get to throw a party for you. It's going to be so fun, there's going to be dancing and cake and mmmhhhmmmhhhhmhmmhmhmhmmmmhhhh.” Pinkie was silenced Twilight's hoof in her mouth.
“Sorry about that, so um... what are you exactly Mr. Attain?” Twilight asked.
“Hm, if I tell you, you have to tell me to things; what all of you are and where I am. Deal,” Gale said to her with kindness in his voice. 'I have no idea where I am, but I sense little to no ill intent from them, so it's best to just be nice,' he thought to himself and put on a smile.
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ok interesting lets see how it goes
1766422 thanks, I'll try my best
4 dislikes if likes are subtracted. I miss the TWE
You seem to actually have a decent grasp of writing, and I can commend you on that. You have a good writing style, your sentences are formed decently, grammar is pretty good. But I'm afraid that's where the compliments end.
First, you did a big no-no here. You did the exact bare minimum to get past moderation, and unless there really is no other way, a chapter should always be longer than a thousand words.
Second, this is a rather overdone idea, some monstrous creature falling from the sky and coming to terms with his inner beast while learning about the magic of friendship. It may sound good in your head, but on paper it does not do so well.
Third, your character is a complete Mary Sue. He is a human that is also a vampire and a werewolf? And the first thing they see him do is slaughter an entire pack of timber wolves with his bare hands! Any overpowered creature like that is a recipe for complete disaster, power has to have a reason and the character has to have flaws to offset any extraneous power that you give him.
Fourth, why is he in Equestria? Why did he suddenly just fall out of the sky? What makes Equestria more desirable as a place to crash to earth rather than some other land that is more plausible?
Fifth, the Element Bearers see this creature kill a pack of timber wolves, and their first reaction is to walk up and say hello? And why is he not so surprised to see a gaggle of talking horses? I'd be losing my mind, werewolf/vampire hybrid or not.
Vampwolves FTW.
1767016 I will work on those and some of the problems you mentioned were things i was going to fix as a part of the story. But I'm sorry for the short chapters, that part was all my fault and I'll write bigger chapters next time.
1767016 I agree. He should at least add some emotional feedback to the character(s).
"Gale is a Werewolf with a good amount of control over his inner beast, but he is a Vampire as well"
Your OC is OP. It's also red and black. These are major no-nos in this and other fanfiction communities.
COMPLIMENT: "pleasure to meet you're aquanauts" was entertaining, if not intentionally so.
1766835 What the hell is twe?
anyways so far youve got my attention this story seems like it will go far,anyways keep doing what you think is right!
1769674 Train wreck explorers.
Yeah this is a complete trainwreck. I actually clicked on this thinking it would be a parody, but alas. If the author cares enough for me to go into detail, I will, but most of the major issues have been stated by other people. Namely the OC is OP as shit, cliché black/red color scheme, vampire+werewolf. Oh and the mane6 immediately taking a liking to him is absurd.
Gotta agree though, the writing style isn't bad (dialogue is stilted but still decent) and I don't see a lot of grammatical errors, so really you just need to learn how to create believable interesting characters and you should do fine. The way to do that is research. Here's some places to start: TV Tropes and The Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test
Good luck.
1769674 The Train Wreck Explorers, formerly one of the biggest groups on this site. Their entire thing was finding the absolute worst stories and bashing them to hell. knighty disbanded them for excessive bullying.
1775262 Well that just seems messed up!
I read this later. (My editing schedual is killin' me) But you already earned my interest because of convalutity.
>>TechnoScratch The original purpose of the twe was to find stories like this one and try to make them better.
This is a good idea, get rid of the sex/gore tags and make it teen. You have nothing to show yet, so start with tags you know you will use and add uncertain ones when you need too. Most of the down votes are probably from people hating you for having nothing with all those tags. Start with Dark, Tragedy, Sad and Romance. And keep the romance to the ponies, or else you will get a good amount of hate for messing up. Write one-shots or a trash-bin to test yourself, so you can have a gem.
...
?
Aquanauts? That sounds like an austronaut, except for being under water instead of in space. Space space spaaaace spacespaces-
*ahem* Yes, well... did you mean acquaintance? That would fit with the sentence, if you replaced "aquanaut" with it.
Also, instead of "you're" which is short for "you are", you should have your. Just saying :D please don't get mad
Btw I like how Gary Stu the main character is. Vampire-and-werewolf-at-the-same-time-thingy is bugging me, but whatever...
So when will the next chapter be out? Great story so far...
uugh AUTHOR I REQUEST OF THEE ANOTHER CHAPTER TO READ
I'M BOOOREED D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D :D :D :D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: