John's misadventures through the multiverse

by Hat and clogs guy

Chapter 1 : Horny Horsies

‘this text’ = current PoV character thinking.

‘‘this text’’ = Any character talking.

John... was having a shitty day. Put lightly.
First thing in the morning, he wakes up with the fricking Sword of Fate. In his face. Then, he looks up the legendary sword and sees the bat shit insane face of The Benevolent Master. Who is pretty much the ruler of the world of M’ëjo, just so you know.
Which happened to be the world he was on, for the moment.

Now, this is sadly a situation he is in... alot. Every other week or so. A bit more, but thats irrelevant. Its not like it’s his fault that the worlds he go to have crazy leaders on them.

Really, it aint...

I’m serious....

.__________________.

......

Anyways, The Benevolent Master slowly drew the tip of the sword on his hairline, cutting neatly through the skin and bringing forth blood. John dealt with this by thinking hard, which maked his mentally connected alarm clock go off on the other side of the firepit. With The Benevolent Master distracted for a split second, he batted away the sword and drew his left hidden blade. Yes, he’s has demz. And he’s sleepz with ‘emz. They were a gift from DaVinci after John saved his life from a Templar. With it, he distracted The Benevo- lets just call him Bob, a nickname given to him by the favourite protagonist of the month, and he pulled a gun from somewhere else with his right hand.

‘‘A metal baton? Oh John, I thought you had better weaponry up your sleeves’’ Bob laughed.

‘‘Oh, but this is a better weapon. Better than you can imagine’’ was Johns terse reply.

With a squeeze on the trigger, a loud bang filled the air and Bobs brains splattered on the trees behind him. And no, this didn’t kill Bob, because he isn’t a human. Oh he might look like it, but he’s not. John was however not really interested in what Bob was or wasn’t. He did know that Bob would stay on the ground for around ten minutes, before he grew a new head.

He only needed seven.

With the kind of reflexes and speed you only get after decades on the run, on the road and in armies, John raffed together all his stuffs and plopped ’em in his trusty duffel bag, which is actually his personal hammerspace. After some minutes of this, all of his stuff was packed away. He took a look around, seeing if he missed something. He did, as it turned out. With a shit-eating grin, he t-bagged Bob for a full minute, and grabbed The Sword of Fate.
Then, with a final glance around his homely green forest camp, he closed his eyes.

As fast as he could he turned off his olfactory sense(smelling sense), toned out the sounds until all his attention was in himself.
He immediately focused on the searing warmth now coming from his chest, the beat.

Thump-thump, thump-thump.

Matching his breathing to the beat, he felt the warmth seep into all of him with each beat.

Thump-thump, thump-thump.

When his toes felt like they were burning, he opened a third eye with a totally unnessecary shhluurrrp sound effect, in the middle of his forehead. This eye was instead of white with dark, sparkly green, a shining white instead of iris and pupil and a nice light gold with small flecks of gold floating around in it. Having already done this many times, he knew how to ”see”, or ”feel” the planets, and, more importantly, this universes signature.

As he sought within the universe for another one, Bobs head was growing back at an alarming rate.

Finally, John could feel another realitys beat.

Thu-thump thu-thump thu-thump.

Mentally making it more strenous than it actually was, he brought up the speed of his own beat.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

Just as his beat was the same rate as the other reality/universe, Bobs head was back with a milk curdling scowl on it. Staggering up from the ground, he raised his hand and waved with it. A platoon forty men strong burst into the clearing.
‘‘KILL HIM!!’’ Bob screeched, pointing viciously at John, who was glowing with power.

One of the men rushed forward and sliced John across the back with a sword, but that was all any of them managed.
‘‘EAT SHIT, BOB!!’’ John laughed. With a resounding ‘BOOM’, John vanished, leaving nothing behind but a flaming crater thirty meters wide and a few charred corpses along with some ash.

‘Suck on that, Bob!’ John thought with glee as he warped though the Abyss; the area between different universes.

~~~~ PoV switch, Celestia™

‘BOOOOOOOORRIIIIIIINNNGGGGGG.........’

A prim, posh and all around unbearable stuck up ”noblepony” was complaining about how I should do something about the weather on his grounds.

‘By myself and Luna, would he just stop complaiiiniiingg... uugh’

I smiled and nodded as he finished his rant, and said ‘‘I’ll do what I can about your problems, Ash Mace.’’

But of course, I wasn’t gonna do anything ’bout it.

With a bow from the grey stallion at the foot of the throne’s daise, he left.

‘Finally! Thank the Sun he was the last petitioner for the day. I don’t know what I would have done was there another one.’

I stood up from my throne, and smiled to the guards standing just below the raised platform on which it rested.


Walking over to the huge golden doors of mine and Lunas throne room, the guards standing at it opened it without a word. They knew that I was tired, even though they never said anything. It was cute, I thought.

I could see the concern in their eyes as I walked past them, my regal façade never faltering. But they still knew. Maybe it was because my mane was fluttering slower than usual, I thought. It did that when I was tired. Traitor...

As I walked past the large windows showing off the humongous drop from the castle to the ground far below the mountain, I reflected on the day.

‘Hmmm... lets see now... wake up to raise the sun, did that... Ate breakfast, thank Faust BlueBlood didn’t show up for it, he’s insufferable in the mornings... Got rid of a literal ton of paperwork, boring, opened up midday petitioning, boring, closed that and ate lunch, meh, more paperwork, boring, met up with my sister and ending up asking her to prank some nobles and watching her in action, hilarious, met with the gryphon ambassador because of some petty squabble down in Hoofington, boring, opened afternoon petitions, boring. As. Tartarus. Closed that, finally, and now I have... a meeting. With Luna, thankfully, and not some pompous pony.

My mental checklist up to date, I looked around myself and saw that I was now in the Night Tower, where Luna’s quarters were at. Bored out of my mind, I was faced with two options... or three, actually. I could one, walk up the stairs for another hour, two, fly out a window and then up in five minutes, or three, teleport into Lunas bedroom instantly and scare her.

And yes, I chose the first option.

HAH got you! I actually took the third option, looking forward to startling somepony.

I thought of Lunas bedroom, and, letting a tiny sliver of my magic into my horn because anything more would make me overshoot my target with a few miles, let go of the magic.

With a snap, crap and pop (not really, but whatever), I appeared in my younger sisters room. Startling Luna. Mission accomplished.

‘‘BWUAGH!!’’ the younger Alicorn squeaked, slipping into the RCV.

‘‘Tia! We have told you not to do that... repeatedly!’’ she managed after awhile.

‘‘But Luuluuuu...’’ I whined playfully. Stretching like a cat,(you know how) I got off her bed, and with an actually diabetes-inducing level of adorableness in my watering eyes stared at her with a pout.

After a few seconds of this, I stopped with a sigh, realizing that it was futile. She already had diabetes.. HAH no, but she was immune to my face-of-apocalyptical-cutesy-wutesy-adowabulness after millenia of exposure to it.

‘‘Well atleast you showed up’’ she sighed.

‘‘But of course I did! You’re my sister!’’ I said.

‘‘Yes, well.. I just wanted to tell you that-’’

She suddenly stopped, mid-sentence, as we both stood there in shock.

An unbelievably and ridiculously overpowered wave of power burst over the world of Equus, emanating from a point only about half a day southward by pegasus-drawn chariot from Canterlot. More specifically, Ponyville. Even more speifically, the Everfree. Yah.

‘‘... I sense a disturbance in the force...’’ I got out after a while.

‘‘...’‘ Luna dead-panned.

‘‘Tia, your puns are terrible.’’ she said, matter-of-factedly.

‘‘Yes, I know sis.’’

‘‘Sooo... sic the Elements on this clearly over powered whatsit?’’ Luna said.

‘‘Yeah... sure. I‘m certain they can handle(hoof..le?) it.’’ I said.

‘‘And we’ll arrive slightly late, because we have some business to attend to...?’’ Luna half asked.

‘‘Yes, that’s about right...’’ I focus a bit, and teleport a quill, an ink-bottle and a red paper to me.

›My dearest student and close friend Twilight, I send you this letter in an hour of dire need. It has come to mine and Lunas attention that something very powerful has appeared in the Everfree Forest, and we need you and the other Elements to go and take care of this new and unknown possible threat to all of Equestria. I send you the Elements of Harmony, but I ask that you only use them if directly provocated or threatened by whatever this thing is.

Me and Luna have to tell the ponies here in Canterlot not to worry about the wave of power you undoubtedly sensed a few minutes ago.
Faust speed Twilight, and take care.‹

I dictate as I write down the letter, and Luna nods with satisfaction. I roll up the letter and put the seal of the Royal Sisters on it; the sun on my flank with the moon on Luna’s inside of it.

‘‘But we don’t have anything to actually take care of, do we?’’ Luna asks me in a quiet tone.

‘‘Nnnnope’’ I say with a small grin, perfectly impersonating the Element of Honesty’s; AppleJack’s, older brother.

The two of you giggle a bit at your impersonation, but then stop.

‘‘In fact, the only ones able to sense things like these are either Ascended alicorns, or incredibly powerful unicorns. There are currently only three individuals who fit that description, and since their ranks are composed of you, mwah and Twilight, we don’t have to worry about any mass panic. Oh yes, and true conduits of the Elements of Harmony can sense this kind of stuff too, but only just.’’ I said.

I realise that I hadn’t actually sent the letter yet, so I closed my eyes and lowered the shield around my mind, allowing me to expand my consciousness over Equestria.
All equines would feel warmer, more comfortable, with my mind hanging over everything like this, but the villains out there would also be able to sense this and attack my mind directly, which is why I didn’t do this without reason.

I search for a certain drakelings signature, and, upon finding it, feel around inside of it. I found what I was looking for, his Firegland and Starswirls, where he creates his fire and keeps his magic respectively, and open their connection for the seconds I needed to compress the letter into nothingness and put that nothingness in the link between the organs.

I felt the prescence of the nothingness create a spark in the link, powering the dragon body’s defence-mechanism to not have nothingness revert into something-ness inside of it. This would make any dragon retch, burp or cough up the nothingness with magical fire, which I also had set as the power to revert the letter back into something-ness.

Of course, a dragon’s body couldn’t know this, which is why it gets rid of the nothingness in the first place. Quite ingenious of me, I thought with pride.
I also made sure that the nothingness had my signature on it, enabling the young drake to send an object back to me via dragon’s fire.

With that problem out of the way, I quickly recede into my head and put up my walls again, fearing an attack on my psyche.

~~~~PoV the completely awesome and dazzling ‘pro’tagonist, John. co®. Head Office located in NopeVille, Östergötland, Sverige.

I appeared, as usual, five or so meters above the treeline.

As per usual, the thoughts running through my head in this situation was the normal. Same as every other time. More or less.

‘OH SHIT FUCK IM GOING TO DIE FUCK CRAP SHITTERCRACKERS HOLY TOAST IN A TOAST MACHINE HAH EDDSWORLD LOL OH FUCK IM GONNA DIE AAARGH WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN OH ALL MANNER OF GODS WHYY-HYYYY LOL I WHINE ALOT– HOLY FUCKCAKE IN A *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* IN A F*beeeeeeeeeeeeep* BECAUSE BATMAN OH GAWD *beeeeeep bloop beeeeeeeeep* IN A TREEHOUSE MADE OF SHIT AND THE MOTHER OF ALL TURDS CRAMMED IN A MASTURBATING GAY TARDIS’-

.............

well you’d probably act like that too... admit it.

Now don’t be like that, you know I’m right on this.

...

...

...

ಠ_ಠ

After hitting branch after branch after branch and then that one, last, branch on my way down to the ground, I was incredibly sore in places where mankind was not built to physically be able to be sore.

I whimpered pitifully on the ground, curled up in a fetal position. The wound on my back was starting to bleed profusely. I focused my thoughts for a moment, and thought about my back without a gaping hole in it. The warmth in my chest glided backwards smoothly and congregated on my wound. A bright flash of golden light later my back was healed.

I didn’t give this treatment to the wound ontop of my face because it had already stopped bleeding, and I didn’t want to waste any more energy.

Aaand... because Batman is actually a catfish. That dresses up as a bat. To fight crime. Yah.

After some minutes of cursing this universes sick humour and just cursing like a veteran sailor, I got to my feet, albeit slowly.

I took out my über unlimited battery iphone and plugged in my earbuds, hitting random.

A favourite of mine started, and I found myself singing along with the lyrics.

‘‘I’m waking up, to ash and dust,
I wipe my brow’and I sweat my rust.
I’m breathing in, the chemicals...

*epic inhale* aaahhhh’’

I saw a river past the trees, and decided to follow it.

‘‘I’m breaking in,
and shaping up,
then checking out on the prison bus,
this is it,
the apocalypse..

‘whoooh‘‘

I was jogging along the river, trying my best to ignore the sea serpent wailing in it.

Apparently it lost it’s mirror, the poor thing. Not.

‘‘I’m waking up
I feel it it my bones enough
to make my systems blow,
welcome to the new age,
to the new age
welcome to the new age,
to the new age,

whooo-oh-oh
whooo-oh I’m,
radioactive,
radioactive,

whooo-oh-oh,
whooo-oh I’m,
radioactive,
radioactive.’’

I saw a small stream detach from the main river, and thought that was more interesting than the river. So I followed that instead.

‘‘I raise my flag,
don my clothes,
it’s a revolution suppose,
we’re painted red,
to fit right in,
whoo-oh

I’m breaking in,
and shaping up,
then checking out on the prison bus
this is it,
the apocalypse,

o whoow
I’m wakin’ up
I feel it in my bones enough
to make my systems blow,

welcome to the new age,
to the new age
welcome to the new age,
to the new age.

whoo-ooh oh,
whoo-o-oh-I’m,
radioactive,
radioactive,

whoo-ooh-oh,
whoo-o-oh I’m
radioactive,
radioactive’’

I found a clearing that looked quite peaceful.

‘‘All systems go,
sun hasn’t died,
deep in my bones,
straight from inside

I’m waking up
I feel it in my bones enough
to make my systems blow,

welcome to the new age,
to the new age
welcome to the new age,
to the new age

whoo-ooh-oh,
whoo-o-oh I’m,
radioactive,
radioactive,
whoo-ooh-oh,
whoo-o-oh I’m,
radioactive,
radioactive.’’

With the song ending, I realized that I was quite tired.
Switching universes does do that to you, as I’ve noticed.

So, I put on my sleep'n wake playlist, which consists of alot calm music and then a random dubstep-sort of song. I had even managed to make it switch volume on its own, meaning that the dubstep song was blasted at max volume and the other songs were at little below half. Effectively waking me up, after putting me to sleep.

Laying down with my back against the tree I closed my eyes and let the soothing music calm me down. I heard a bird call out in the distance, and then I was asleep.

........

transition to later.... ‘cause I’m the author and I can do shit like that. Deal with it.

..........
*insert Pewdiepie Song by DJ fortify here*
The very loud song by DJ Fortify blasted through my Iphone, waking me up. As was my intention, the very reason I had it there at all. Success.png...

I grumbled as I sat up against the tree, opening my eyes when it said ‘my name is Pewdiepie’.

I sat there, not really seeing anything for a moment or two.
Then, my sight returned and I said what was on my mind.

‘‘Are you fucking kidding me.’’ came out of my dead-panned face.

Infront of me, was six. Pastel. Horses. Staring, at mwah. With, for lack of a better description, eyes that shouted If you don’t bed me I’m gonna rape you

As stated above, I was having a shitty day.

Almost get killed, check.

Get run out of a universe, check.

Painful landing, check.

And now, for the prize of them all, getting bedroom eyes from fucking probable rapist horsies dipped in rainbows and then dragged out to be unleashed upon any and all things capable of sexual intercourse in any way whatsoever, check.

I made a WTF face, hands in the air and all.

‘‘Sooo... uuhh... go away?’’ I manage, making a shoo-shoo motion with my hands.

‘‘That aint happenin’, pardner.’’ the orange horsie said.

I grabbed my Über Iphone and put it back in my hoodies stomach-pocket.

‘huh cool... talking horsies... that’s weird. Wonder if they’re the intelligent ones inhabiting this plane.’

‘‘... Mind explaining why?’’ I ask the group of -probably- horny horsies.

Heh, horny horsies...

The horsies all stared at me with even more forceful bedroom eyes, and I started sweating, which I really should not have done.

The already madly sniffing ponies caught the smell of his sweat, mixing with his blood.

With a bone-rattling howl of lust, the ponies all charged poor little me.
I got to my feet in not even half a second, and grabbed my trusty duffel-bag in the same motion.

Turning around istantly, I led the chase away from the peaceful clearing in this otherwise pretty violent forest.

A purple bolt of power flew past me, hitting a tree and doing nothing.

I dodged another, which hit a bird in mid-flight. The bird dropped to the ground. As I focused on running, I sent some of my own magic at the bird, checking if it was still alive.

Alive, but unconscious.

‘I wonder what they’ll do to me if the catch- NOPE NOPE NOPE NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD!!’

I was running for my life here, since they’d probably rape me to death if they caught me.
I did not want that, because, I had been in literally countless life-or-death situations before, and I did NOT want the one to get me being pastel colured ponies death by snu-snu. Enjoyable as that would probably be-NOPE.

I dodged past a tree, seeing a lasso of all things fly past me to catch the air I had just vacated.
I chanced a look beinhd me, and saw the blue horsie fighting the pink one. Weird...

Suddenly, I felt magic coming from behind and ahead of me, carrying the signature of the purple horsie chasing me.

I realized what it was doing, and changed course so that I was running away from both the other raper horsies and the place one of them would teleport to.

I reached the river, and since my Über Iphone was completely waterproof and the pockets on my hoodie were closable, I didn’t put it in my hammerspace.

Which was also waterproof.

I dived in as the rape horsies reached the treeline. It was actually rather warm, probably because of the sea-serpent. Speaking of which, there it was, sulking on the opposite side of the river.

I, being the idiot I was, decided to swim up to it.

‘‘H-hey,’’ I got out, panting.

‘‘Mmm yes? What is it, clothed monkey-thing?’’ it said

‘‘Rapist... Horsies... chasing me... help...’’ I panted out.

‘‘Rapist horsies, you say? Well I’ve certainly never seen that before.’’ it said.

‘‘Ya well they’re chasing me down, could you like, help me get away from them? I don’t want to die from dehydration.’’ I smirked at the last bit, because I was actually more worried about my pelvis breaking. From getting raped. By horses

At that moment the white horse screeched
‘‘GET BACK HERE AND RUT MY BRAINS OUT YOU OAF!!!’’

‘‘NO IT WON’T RARITY, ‘CAUSE IT’S DOING THAT WITH ME!!’’ the orange one screamed in the white ones ear.

Then to my horror, the yellow one revealed wings, and took off, flying over to me and the water drake.

‘‘DUDE GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE I DON’T WANNA GET RAA-HA-HAAPED!!!’’ I yelled at the serpent, who was looking quite shocked at the proceedings.

‘‘... Fine,’’ it sighed.

‘‘Hop on, quickly now. Wouldn’t want to get molested now would we?’’

I swam over and grab ahold of its head, which was now underwater.

I heldon for my life as it sped away under the water, leaving the rape eampaging horny horsies behind.

~~~~~

/AN


Well damn, that chapter was a bummer to pull out of my arse.

I know that it’s too hasty, by this I mean John’s converation with Steve Magnets.

But, as I’ve said before and probably will again, this is my first story. And yeah, I’ll be falling back on that alot.

Bai :D

Comments

[Lighting Ace]

And how long before Luna and Celestia find out of John especial power?

Also, for the look of it, when the ponys will finally caught him, he must probably, be safe, due to they fighting one another and don't even get close to him, for one of two reason or both.
1) They will be or too tired or too beat up, to do something.
2) John, will trick them to fight and he will escape, or capture them to answer his questions

[omega-ze-wargod]

haahahahhahaha

[silver wing]

I think rainbows gonads chase him down lol I can def see it

[Ozone]

Eh, not the WORST way to go...
mimg.ugo.com/201012/9/6/0/134069/cuts/futurama-snu-snu_786x590.jpg

[Nic0nynja]

wow just read the description and started laughing. dis gonna be good

[Nic0nynja]

well fuck. this is going to be a very weird but hilarious story. i have one more thing to say

MORE MORE MORE MORE MMOOOOOORRRRRRRREE

[Nic0nynja]

1672617
i'm with you there buddy

[Slip Kid]

Moar? MOAR!

[Hat and clogs guy]

Sorry about the wait everyone,but I've got a Shitload of homework right now, and I'm working on another story... don't worry, I'm definitely not finished with this one yet. :p

[silver wing]

1672617 I condemn thee to...
DEATH BY SNU-SNU

[Undead_Non-Brony]

They lyrics are
'I feel it in my bones, enough to make my systems BLOW'
and
'I rasie my FLAG, and don my clothes'

Just thought i'd let ya know.

[bjornicorn]

hiatus?

[Hat and clogs guy]

2546481 yeaahh.... lol i forgot to change that :p

Sorry to anyone who's waiting for the next chapter (even though it's like, 2 people at the most and I'm being optimistic here, I'm pretty sure most have completely forgotten it by now), but.... writers block. I just, can't come up with ANYTHANG, then again I am actually working on something else at the moment... and have been for quite a while actually :/ Hm, should probably give what I have to someone who can like help me 'n stuff.... but too lazy.... oh choices.