- Member Since 11th Nov, 2012
- online
SuperUltimateBrony
Recently got back into the show. 30 and still enjoying it. Rainbow Dash will forever be best pony.
SuperUltimateBrony
Joined 11th Nov, 2012 ·
Online
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I'll have to save the actual reading of this for another time, when i'm not so stressed for it.
Looks good, though.
17 downvotes, added to TWE, yet no negative/critical comments?
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I call comment deleting shenanigans.
Oh good god. Am I seriously looking at a villain-Rarity story I can compare "Rarity's Generous Plan" FAVORABLY to? These are truly the end times!
Seriously? It looks that you simply went for gore and the story is nothing more than just a vehicle for you to play with that. In that sense it's no better than the second rate clop that a lot of first time writers seem to want to do. You know the type, the mechanical pony sex that somebody who's very inexperienced with sex if at all or what they've managed to glean from watching porn? Yeah, your gore story seems to be like that. There's no literary masterpiece here or anything interesting other than the gore and even that is unimaginative and second rate.
As for the structure, WTF? Just about every line is it's own paragraph? And very rarely is a sentence longer than 1 line. You need to fix your structure, it makes it difficult to read then you're hit with one of those sentences that wraps around and BOOM everything is thrown off. If you're going to double space, you need to do it with every line. Actually it's better that you don't double space but that's a stylistic choice that's up to you.
Spelling seems to be good as does the grammar. Couldn't find any real fault in those but then at some point I just started skimming over the gore because it was so uninteresting.
So where's the downvote coming from? If you haven't guessed it's because of the story. Rarity is acting incredibly OOC, and that's to be expected but WTF is up with her dialogue? Yes she's a drama queen, but "Leave here at once and let me wallow in my pity" is not a line she'd give in public. Especially not to her critics.
You like to use the word "pizzazz" don't you? You do realise that there are other words that could be used in it's place so you don't constantly use the same word over and over again? Using the same word constantly lessens it's impact and loses whatever meaning it might have had.
An overuse of the third person personal pronoun "she" to start sentences. And a lot of the sentences are simply too short. Try combining them together when possible to make something longer and this can eliminate the aforementioned "she" issue.
And I'm sorry, but Rarity taking out Twilight by knocking her out unsuccessfully the first time and Twilight not only letting her do so without reacting but then later when she's tied up is unable to save herself just is too big a plot hole to contemplate. At least offer her some drugged tea or something so she can't focus her magic. Remember, this is the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria and Celestia's personal pupil. A dressmaker like Rarity would be no contest against Twilight.
I got as far as Hoity Toity just lying down willingly on the table before I stopped. Up until then there was a possibility that you might redeem yourself but you failed once again and there's just no going back from the amount of weapon's grade stupid that this fic generated.
While you have an idea in the same vein of "Cupcakes", it's nowhere near that one in terms of story or composition. What you need to do is go back and work on this.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
Thanks for the criticism everypony. While I didn't think that it would get this many dislikes, I do appreciate all comments. I'll just have to work harder for next time.
1643607
Or the TWE are being their usual, completely unhelpful fuckwad selves.
Admin sez, "hey, I dun't like this!"
300+ membership sez, "lulz, didn't read. downvote and run!"
It happens a lot more often than comment deleters, but, eh, keep your head in the sand and your hand on the TWE cock, maybe someday they'll give you a nice money shot for your troubles.
Kay, so after reading the first two chapters here is some shtuff.
I liked: the word pizzaz. It is a meaningless word (about on par with "nice"), so the repeated refrain was silly. I liked Rarity's ridiculous drama at the beginning, assuming you were playing it for laughs (same way the show does).
The earlier commenter was right about paragraphs. Paragraphs are a complete bitch, and there is no hard and fast rule for them (other than that each speaker should get a new one, and even that isn't set in stone). The easiest way to do it is to give each character their own paragraph, ex:
Also, character names should be offset by commas. "Thank you for helping me Twilight" needs a comma before Twilight, etc.
On the action, you need more detail. First example was when Twilight's horn came off. She isn't Mr Potato Head, so it didn't just pop out of its socket (if your ponies are like Mr Potato Head, then you should describe that appropriately for the lulz). Does the horn twist and crack? Did the bone splinter? What about the nerves (most fanon agrees their should either be nerves or brain inside the horn), so did they stretch out before Twilight's eyes? Did Twilight vomit at the head trauma?
You don't want to go too crazy on the details, but you need at least a little bit of flair. Make me feel it. Make me see it. Make me taste it. One or two gripping details will go a long way to making an impact.
Also, how do the characters feel about this? I'm guessing you're drawing some inspiration from "Cupcakes," yes? My favorite moment from "Cupcakes" was when Dash begged to be released and Pinkie said something about how she wanted to leave sometimes. A little moment of emotion can go a long way to making your audience engaged.
Finally, join the Cockroach Club. Don't let the haters get you down, they get their knickers in a twist whenever someone mixes gore and ponies. Some folks just can't take a joke.
Actually, though most people probably won't believe it, I've never read Cupcakes. I've heard it's a great story, and it certainly has a very popular fanbase. I appreciate all the comments Fiddlebottoms. I know I have tons to work on. Trust me, the next fanfic I write will be much better than this. That's a Pinkie Promise.
Sorry, but no.
1646603
Cupcakes. Read it and try not to vomit.
1646149 Well, someone's grossly misinformed.
But if it helps you sleep at night, sure. I love sucking the TWE's cock.
1647512
There you go, keep that head in the sand, little ostrich. I'm not misinformed, I fell in with the TWE in their first couple weeks, my distaste for their antics (and the Internet Hate Machine in general) is founded in personal experience.
And, going back to your original statement: the author has expressed gratitude for criticism and not deleted any negative comments since I first stumbled over here. I'd say you are rather mistaken in your beliefs, but, whatever, keep your head in that sand. Feels good when it gets in your ears, right? Keeps you from hearing any criticisms leveled against your fellow lynch mob members. Justifies your little bullshit gif, doesn't it? Say, did you attempt any sort of review or ... no, actually it looks like you didn't. Just resorted to impugning the writer straight away. Good show, you are perfect TWE material.
However, we're spamming the author's comments section. If you wish to continue this argument further, there are ways to reach me (user page comments, blog posts, forum posts, etc) that don't involve others in our squabbles. Tah!
1647581 Alright, you got me; I'm a Grade A dickhead. Yes, I'm a part of the TWE, but I don't review for them. Why? Because it isn't in my nature. I suck at reviewing stuff.
But rest assured, the people who do review the group actually do want to try and help aspiring authors; they just go about it in a rather harsh manner (tough love, as they call it).
Also, we've seen enough stories pass through the TWE's folders to know the signs of a comment-deleter, and only a few are actually legit. This story is an example of the latter, and, to the author, I apologize for my earlier comment.
Either way, this is petty, so I think we should move past it.
1646149 I'm not part of the TWE, but within a day of this being posted, and several hours before your post, there was a TWE review of this. Also, from a quick scan of their page, it looks like only about 20% of their members are approved reviewers.
So, while I don't think that the author's been deleting comments, your conclusion seems just as off base.
Oh lawd.
I don`t like the way this ended. Dead, dead, almost everypony in this story ends up dead!
This was just like cupcakes. Pinkie Pie kills ponies slowly, cutting out/off their body parts and then turns them into cupcakes. Rarity kills ponies slowly, cutting out/off their body parts and then turns them into dresses.
2450690
What's the point?
2454644 There was no point. I just wanted to say that both Pinkie and Rarity now have stories where they turn ponies into something else. I noticed that and wanted to share it.
THIS IS FRICKEN DISGUSTING!!
BUT I'LL KEEP READING
4550877
How'd you like it?