Kay, so after reading the first two chapters here is some shtuff.
I liked: the word pizzaz. It is a meaningless word (about on par with "nice"), so the repeated refrain was silly. I liked Rarity's ridiculous drama at the beginning, assuming you were playing it for laughs (same way the show does).
The earlier commenter was right about paragraphs. Paragraphs are a complete bitch, and there is no hard and fast rule for them (other than that each speaker should get a new one, and even that isn't set in stone). The easiest way to do it is to give each character their own paragraph, ex:
"Blah, blah, blah," said Rarity. Rarity did a thing. Rarity did another thing. Rarity saw a thing. Twilight did a thing. Twilight felt a thing. Rarity did a last thing
Also, character names should be offset by commas. "Thank you for helping me Twilight" needs a comma before Twilight, etc.
On the action, you need more detail. First example was when Twilight's horn came off. She isn't Mr Potato Head, so it didn't just pop out of its socket (if your ponies are like Mr Potato Head, then you should describe that appropriately for the lulz). Does the horn twist and crack? Did the bone splinter? What about the nerves (most fanon agrees their should either be nerves or brain inside the horn), so did they stretch out before Twilight's eyes? Did Twilight vomit at the head trauma? You don't want to go too crazy on the details, but you need at least a little bit of flair. Make me feel it. Make me see it. Make me taste it. One or two gripping details will go a long way to making an impact.
Also, how do the characters feel about this? I'm guessing you're drawing some inspiration from "Cupcakes," yes? My favorite moment from "Cupcakes" was when Dash begged to be released and Pinkie said something about how she wanted to leave sometimes. A little moment of emotion can go a long way to making your audience engaged.
Finally, join the Cockroach Club. Don't let the haters get you down, they get their knickers in a twist whenever someone mixes gore and ponies. Some folks just can't take a joke.
Kay, so after reading the first two chapters here is some shtuff.
I liked: the word pizzaz. It is a meaningless word (about on par with "nice"), so the repeated refrain was silly. I liked Rarity's ridiculous drama at the beginning, assuming you were playing it for laughs (same way the show does).
The earlier commenter was right about paragraphs. Paragraphs are a complete bitch, and there is no hard and fast rule for them (other than that each speaker should get a new one, and even that isn't set in stone). The easiest way to do it is to give each character their own paragraph, ex:
Also, character names should be offset by commas. "Thank you for helping me Twilight" needs a comma before Twilight, etc.
On the action, you need more detail. First example was when Twilight's horn came off. She isn't Mr Potato Head, so it didn't just pop out of its socket (if your ponies are like Mr Potato Head, then you should describe that appropriately for the lulz). Does the horn twist and crack? Did the bone splinter? What about the nerves (most fanon agrees their should either be nerves or brain inside the horn), so did they stretch out before Twilight's eyes? Did Twilight vomit at the head trauma?
You don't want to go too crazy on the details, but you need at least a little bit of flair. Make me feel it. Make me see it. Make me taste it. One or two gripping details will go a long way to making an impact.
Also, how do the characters feel about this? I'm guessing you're drawing some inspiration from "Cupcakes," yes? My favorite moment from "Cupcakes" was when Dash begged to be released and Pinkie said something about how she wanted to leave sometimes. A little moment of emotion can go a long way to making your audience engaged.
Finally, join the Cockroach Club. Don't let the haters get you down, they get their knickers in a twist whenever someone mixes gore and ponies. Some folks just can't take a joke.