After a life of loneliness and despair two older fillies find themselves crossing paths on multiple occasions only to be brought more hardships than anypony should bare alone. Will these fillys together make peace with their past and present or will they carry these burdens throughout their lives alone, living a live of sadness and seclusion.
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Wall of text: Break it up as speakers, ideas, and POV change.
I see lots of little typos, I'm the typo king, so trust me when I say "reread your work"
I find the earth pony hate a bit hard to accept. It's well out of cannon. I could accept a disappointed mother but you need to frame the conflict for me.
I'm going to guess that you have three OC's you're introducing here. Sugar Song already has more personality than the other two combined. As an exercise I would suggest that you write a little story (about 2000 words) for each of the three OC's, that has nothing to do with the story your telling. Just some little event that happened to them individually, maybe a few days or weeks prior to the start of your story.
1614752
Thank you for the advice i realy apreaciate it. I will definetly keep your advice in mind for the next chapter hopefully i can give Dewdrop a more interesting personality.
Hey everypony
I can see that quite a few more people have read my story since yesterday so all i'm asking is for some feedback weather in the comments or a private message. I would LOVE it if i could get a few opinions on what you liked and/or disliked so please speak freely your not going to hurt my feelings if you don't like it
-Nexus
Comments please? it Would REALLY help if i knew what everybody thought about the story so i could make it better
This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors
Name: No more tears
Grammar: 4/10
Pros: The concept behind this is intriguing,
I like your OC's
Cons: Grammar(big time)
was hard to read at times due to spacing issues
Notes: This is interesting, I like the concept behind it, but I'm sure you know your grammar needs work, you also should separate your paragraphs more so that it doesn't look like a block of text. Now I have an offer for you, I'm no editor but I can try and fix some of the errors in your story and help to break it up more so that it looks nice. just send me a link to either a gdoc or you can email me the files (you can find my email address on my page).
Hope you liked your review don't forget to check out my story Guardian of the Hearthfire.
Signed
Hingard
Okay. You shouldn't have multiple speakers in the same paragraph. You need to capitalize the word "I" and you have work to do on capitalization. Shifting viewpoints often seems confusing and unnecessary for me, between paragraphs is a little ridiculous. It would make more sense for you to learn to write in third person omniscient or to stick to one person's viewpoint for as long as you can, preferably with chapter breaks.
My "Find all the errors Nexus made!" playing card for this chapter.
Rested is an adjective, not a verb.
The beginning of quotations need to be capitalized.
Wrote "suck out" instead of "stuck out"
Put a question mark and a period on the wrong side of a quotation mark.
Didn't put a beginning quotation mark for the sentence "That stupid jerk can kiss my flank."
The word "I" needs capitalization.
You didn't capitalize the beginning of at least one of your sentences.
Double spaced between "squeak" and "of"
You capitalized the word "trapped" for no reason.
You didn't capitalize a character's name at one point
(Not sure if this counts because it's in the author's notes, but you wrote "you're" instead of "your.")
Well, that's all for me. Good day sir. *Raises glass of fake whiskey*
~NeoNagasaki~
1909175
Thanks I really appreciate that. I'll get to work on fixing those mistakes right away!
Hi! I saw you needed a review from Authors Helping Authors, so here you go!
Name of Story: No More Tears
Grammar score out of 10: 4
Pros:
You have an interesting story :)
The OC's backgrounds are relateable, and believable
The story is moving at a good pace
Cons:
Grammar
Formatting (the paragraphs are a bit too long)
A bit of awkward storytelling
Notes: I'm about to get critical, so please don't take this the wrong way!
As you are probably already aware, grammar is an issue here, and that's a turnoff for some readers, because it can get distracting. I see you're looking for an editor, and so I can edit for you, if you like. I specialize in grammar and such, and would be happy to help. Send me a pm if you're interested. :)
Formatting: you probably know this too, but the paragraphs are a bit too long. Even in the third chapter, where you fixed this a bit, I think you could split them up even further. Each paragraph should center around an idea, an action, a thought. When your paragraphs get too long, you might lose the reader.
About the awkward storytelling: for example, when Dewdrop discovers the passage, she immediately relates it to the griffin war, and that seemed a little... sudden. This happens in other places, too, where you want to tell us about something and tell us in a slightly awkward manner. In my opinion, you should think about ways to show some things, rather than just tell them. Maybe she read about the passages built during the griffin war in a book at school, or something. This is just an example, though; you don't have to change it if you don't want to.
And that's my review. If you don't have time to review mine, don't bother, but here is a short story by me: Keeping Out the Cold
(Joke) Alt. Title: No Filly, No Cry
2021276
Lolz
Hey if you don't mind me asking how do you think the story is going so far? I'm just looking for some feedback to see if I should change anything.
2021303
Just saying... If I read every fiction I commented on, I'd be here for months on end. And I think my brain'd be dripping out my ears 'cause of all the stupid clopfics and whatever DeiStar writes.
2021311
OK thanks for being honest though
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: No More Tears
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): For having to fix many things- 7.5
Pros:
1)Nice background story
2)Intriguing characters
3)Dat plot be good.
Cons:
1)Super short chapters... you should have combined them.
2)Spacing
3)Dewdrop really knows about the Griffon war... for a filly.
Notes Section: Just improve upon your current way of explaining things and you'll be fine!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Life, Liberty. and the Pursuit of Bits.