When a strange young stallion appears in the strangest of circumstances, his resulting amnesia deepening the mystery behind his origin, the mane six try to help him out, not having an inkling of the tragedy that he was tasked to bring to Equestria. What will happen when new memories collide with old, when new interests and emotions conflict with years of mental conditioning?
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50,000 words or so... so I swung by. It sucks to see fics with a ton of legwork get few views, and the least I could do is try...
But friend, I gotta be honest. Including asterisks in your story like *stretch* *yawn* *KABLAAM* is not writing English prose. It's roleplaying, which would be acceptable if you were, say, in a chat or IMing or texting or whatever. But in fiction? Never. *Yawn* is an excuse to not write a sentence or two, as is stretch. Why not "So and so yawned, stretching her/his hooves." That's all you needed. We're all here doing this for fun and occasionally for practice--but that's no reason that we can't try and write as mechanically well as we can.
Beyond that, you're short about 12 commas or so. "When you write dialogue, you kind of need one at the end," like that. (well, in some cases, but where I noticed missing commas, there was quite a need.)
I suggest reading some, first. Studying how prose works.
Also--singing?
Huh ... the asterisks ... interesting, I'll give that a go.
Weird, I always thought I was putting in too many commas, I'll have to take a look at that too.
Yeah I was constantly trying to decide if I should take out, or leave in the singing. I had a hunch that it might be the cause of half the viewers over on fanfiction.net (where I first started) not getting past chapter one
Thanks for the tips, first bit of constructive criticism I've gotten. I am very appreciative
What's this? A stallion lands in Equestria without prior knowledge of who he is? I smell another Gary Stu cooking on the stove. Let's take a look shall we?
Purple Prose! Take it away! Oh fuck, this is not going to be pretty. Do me a favour, pull up a chair and let's talk about this. And it really pains me to do this because you seem to have something in your writing that is worth holding on to but the purple prose needs to go. It's simply extraneous and takes away from the story itself. The opening sentence alone shows that this is going to be a chore:
And it's not just the purple prose but the descriptions themselves. "the most amazing shade of vermillion eyes"? Is there a reason you couldn't say "orange"? And then it still doesn't work. You need to rework this sentence "His eyes, a most amazing shade of vermillion, slowly crept open..." this is not perfect mind you, but the placement of all the descriptors just doesn't work in your case. As for the rest of the sentence it's again a little too much. You're overdoing it in an attempt to possibly sound grandiose or you feel this gives some majesty to your work. If anything it impresses people that don't read. You need to tone it down.
So we also find out he's an alicorn. I guess that's where the stench of the Gary Stu was coming from. There are two alicorns in MLP, they are supposed to be unique. Princess Cadance was originally supposed to be a unicorn but Hasbro changed this to an alicorn. Never include an alicorn in your story. They're a living Deus ex Machina. They're overpowered and overused. You're going to get a lot of hate for using one.
Wut? Seriously, what just happened? Did he burst through the sun? Is his bubble magical? Is it made of hydrogen, helium and methane? Can I get a translator down here?
This needs some cleaning up. I'm not going to bother to read the rest of this which is a shame because you seem to be a good writer, or at least to my untrained eyes you are. But you need to work on your prose and your descriptions.
The characters seem to be pretty much in character. I would remind you that it's Applejack and not Apple Jack, but the rest seems okay.
The structure is good, you seem to be following the rules of style and format well. I couldn't really notice any errors but then I was hung up on the purple prose.
Seriously, if anything is going to kill your story it's going to be that.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
1535427
Damn, if I'd known I would get this much constructive criticism over here I'd have come a long time ago!
I guess when I finally finish off chapter 11 I'll give the first ten a rework in light of this new information
Thanks for your time!
1535493 I haven't read the story, but damn... 50,000 words a good 5000 words average per chapter, and judging by the stuff homer put up, you put alot of work and description into this (thought maybe a bit to much). Kinda sad you've put so much work into it and get this many downvotes, just the fact that you put so much devotion into it and stuff deserves an upvote in my opinion.
1535594
I guess Evil Homer is right about the Alicorn thing
I hate dropping spoilers but maybe I should put something in the description or first Author's Note about that ...
A few chapters later it becomes apparent that my OC is actually quite sad in comparison to Celestia and Luna
But I accept that there will be those who do not like the direction this story will take.
I'm not trying to win a popularity contest, but I have had positive feedback from some readers on fanfiction.net, as well as friends, and I figured I'd at least make it available to those who are interested :)
1535690
I've got to give you points, unlike many authors who receive criticism. You're taking this quite maturely, keep it up and keep trying to improve and you might have a good future in FimFiction.
TWE's Scribblestick here to discover the source of all these downthumbs!
Actually, I think Evil Homer already did it. Once I got past the confusing descriptions, I didn't notice too much to complain about. I kind of enjoy your OC's carefree, quirky attitude. Granted, it's hard to get to that through the language, so I didn't get any further than the first chapter.
When you get down to it, I think this story has some promise. I wish I could say more, but I really can't right now.
Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
1535690
As a specific note, tying in with something Evil Homer said, there are 2 (or 3, depending on if you count Cadence) alicorns in the show. Even if your character ISN'T on that power level, giving them both wings and a horn breaks canon badly, which annoys fans of the show (which is most of us) So unless you've got a SPECIFIC reason for such, I'd recommend swapping the alicorn for one of the more conventional pony types. There are people who will downvote JUST for having an OC alicorn in your story.
Now, if you wanted to have your main character more clearly out of the ordinary without inciting rage, you could make him a griffin...
1535988
1536147
Thanks!
1536191
Very specific, I assure you
However I'm afraid the reason might annoy fans just as much.
Nonetheless, I have the grand design already laid out in my head and intend to continue with it.
If I had to give a figure, I'd say the entire thing might pan out to be half a million words or so when I finally finish it
1535493
Hey no problem, as I said you appear to be a decent writer with a firm grasp of structure and storytelling. I'm just pointing things out that need to be tightened up a bit.
Now, as for the alicorn, I'm not going to tell you not to write about it as you have this idea in your mind. Just do me a favour. Make him flawed. Make him a lot less powerful than Celestia or Luna and give a reason for him to be an alicorn. If you do that, people might be more willing to change those thumbs down to thumbs up.
Good luck.
1535493
I noticed that you said you came from fanfiction.net. They're not exactly known for giving constructive criticism over there. Tends to be a lot of yes men and not much else. Anyhow, it's wonderful to see an author so happy to receive constructive criticism.
Good luck and happy writing.
Oh, and to reiterate what 1535347 said, never use the asterisks to describe an action that is done by the character. Always write it out in a full sentence(s).
But yeah, good luck on fixing up your story.
Cheers, pal
Csquared08, TWE Co-Founder
1536377
Flaws already presented in written chapters and shall be elaborated on later, the reason is heavily hinted at as well, I encourage you to read on :)
1536434
Thanks!
1536303
Grand design? Okay, now I'm interested... but I'll give you some time to edit out the purple prose, before I dive in.
As a suggestion, could you re-write things to hide the character's alicorn nature for a while? Establish the character with your readers BEFORE making that dramatic reveal. You clearly can put in the effort to develop a character, and establishing that before developing what they can do is more likely to get your readers to react reasonably.
1537624
Hmmm, yes I suppose there is little point including it in the description at the beginning.
Unfortunately it comes up again, unavoidably I'm afraid, pretty soon after that (chapter three) without any real character development.
But still, I see the merit in it and will make that change along with the many many others I have on my checklist.
By the way, do changes to chapters previously, marked as 'read', produce notifications when edited, or will it be prudent to post a comment when I'm done?
1536147 I am SO happy your title stuck:
"TWE's notoriously friendly moderator"
PS: That was the first emoticon I have used in a month; spend it well.
1538284
I was thinking more along the lines of a magic disguise, either his own idea or someone else's, like in Moonbeam, a story I recommend reading on its own merits.
As for the chapter edits, if you edit the chapter (and click the save button above the text box) it updates the date the chapter was last edited, with no extra notification.
SO HERE'S WHAT I'M-A GONNA DO!
I'm going to add this story to my favorites list, and mark all the chapters as read. Then when you finish your edits, make a blog post saying that you have done so. Under the text box there's a check box so that I, and other people who are following this story, will be notified about the post.
I'm also going to give you a thumbs up for how you're handling all this.
Best of luck!
1538829
A blog post huh? Another shiny new feature that I have to try out.
I can't see how I would get the disguise thing to fit with the current narrative.
So far the possibilities I am thinking up involve more than just minor changes, but I will consider all options as I start to rework the chapters.
Still, thank you for this kind gesture.
And thanks to everyone that took the time to point me in the right direction.
Oh, one last thing ... are those Shakespeare references in chapter titles really that bad?
I honestly didn't put a tonne of thought into them.
1539006
Go to the toolbar at the top of the page, under the big banner, and mouseover the button with your name. One of the options in the dropdown that appears is 'blog' and clicking on it will take you to the page where you can manage your blog posts.
And the Shakespeare references aren't a bad thing, I might leave them in. NobodyPro was just wondering 'with all this promising stuff, why so many down votes?'
1539046
Ah, I misunderstood his post
Right-O, expect a blog in the next few days
1549664
Aww it was supposed to be a surprise when I finished all ten
Aight I'm done with the editing for now (details in the blog thingy)
Very eager to get started on chapter twelve
So much to get out of my head before the distraction monster gobbles it up
OH FOR BUCK'S SAKE!
Please tell me you're not going with a 'hard landing causes amnesia' plot device here. PLEASE.
*takes a deep breath*
Sorry about that, it's just that this plot device is one I really don't like, mostly because it comes out of no where, and doesn't lead anywhere, and feels thrown in to make things easy...
Sure, I get that the plot requires memory troubles, but there are more interesting ways of achieving such, ways that can be tied back into the quest to recover lost memory; I can come up with two that could work, depending on what you have in mind.
1574346
Meh, nothing else made sense while staying in line with the main story
Besides, there's plenty of other stuff to get mad about later on
It might be a bit of a cliche-storm early on because I'm not quite sure how else to incorporate the neccessary aspects of the show
But I am trying to get that unpleasantness out of the way as soon as possible
Oh the doctors name is doctor stable (but I totally prefer heartstrong)
I have an admission to make: I usually just come into these really downvoted stories to read the endless 'RAEG' comments. This ... this is not what I expected at all. However, because of that, I'm actually going to read some of the story itself! Might not make it through the whole thing but I'll give it a go.
One thing to note: Using the Pony Creator to make your cover art is generally frowned on. People downvote on that alone but most people want a picture to draw the eye. Double edged sword.
Ok, you do love yourself some commas. I have the same issue! I use dashes (should use emdash but, well, no one cares about which dash it is) to separate out 'interjection' bits. If I could use an example from chapter one:
ends up being
This was a beast of a sentence! I truncated three commas and added one dash - with some general clean-up to make up for the missing commas - and split out a new sentence. This reads a bit better I think but maybe not. But it wasn't just that one sentence, it's everywhere. Again, I made that error myself many, many, many, many, many .... many, many years ago when I first started writing and I've seen a few others do it as well. Trying to put too much information into a single sentence tends to do that. When someone mentioned commas previously, I think they meant for conversations.
I'm probably not going to continue. Too much to do already. I will, however, leave a well-deserved thumb on your attitude alone and that the story is not at all terri-bad is an added bonus. Good luck, I hope the alicorn thing doesn't cause too many thumbs to point down.
1707838
Hmmm. I think I see your point. Also, I realize that I missed changing something important in that description.
Thanks for the helpful review!