Brony Eagle Scout
Joined 3rd Jun, 2012 ·
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- Wellspring · 24k words · 85 14 · 2.8k views
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A pretty good quick read. I saw one or two little punctuation mistakes, but nothing major, so it was pretty enjoyable. Well done.
No.... no.... no, I promised myself, I wouldn't, I.... OH, BUCK IT
I knew I'd cry the second I read the summary. This is so getting faved and upvoted. Amazing work.
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Excellent work.
Good job. No need for a sequel, perfect the way it is, short and all.
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Mr. Kaito Nakamura is pleased with your work.
I don't usually read many stories that aren't noticed or famous but I'm glad I did with this one, I miss short stories sometimes, I find it hard to write long stories that all those other bronies make that get so much attention but I think this story should have much more views.
The big thing I noticed is your indentation. I noticed it was...infrequent and sparse, for lack of better terms. Now, in normal print (paper pages), I find indentation to be more suitable to indicate new paragraphs. Reading stuff on the internet, I find that a single line break is easier to indicate a new paragraph.
Also (see what I mean?), when you're starting a new subject or paragraph in speech, you don't need to put in the closing quotation marks at the end. Just begin the next paragraph with an open quotation. It shows that the person speaking isn't done talking, and they're just moving off to another subject.
I'm not sure if this is speech or not, but if it's just Applejack thinking to herself, then you should drop the quotation marks and italicize it instead. A character's thoughts are normally italicized to differentiate between speech and thought.
Other than that, nice piece. Whether or not you make a sequel is up to you, but I think it's just fine the way it is.
1505260
You could have just said George Takei. More people recognize the actor's name than the character's name, oddly enough.
Anywho, this fic is awesome and you should feel awesome. Take ALL the mustaches. NAO!
1505650
Yeah but it makes him sound more official :3
It would have been funny if you said Rainbow Dash had the Wonderbolts tryout on the 15th instead of the 14th.
That said, I enjoyed this short piece of literature very much. Have a...
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Thank you for the encouragement!
1505344
Thanks for the error and the reason it needs fixed, I thought it was already italicized so
1505320
The reason that some authors may get more attention than others is beyond me but if I have to venture a guess, it's that they are very passionate with their work and their ability to communicate that passion through words is a lot better than other writers. Thanks for the praise
Damn... it has been too long since I've gone to see my mom n' dad...
I'm usually with the rest of the gang, either doing something.
... or what...?
Also, it's say their *peace, not piece.