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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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5265718
Lots of blue?
OK, this chapter was great. It was nice to see the girls discussing about Emeris' mental state...and get slightly off topic at the thought of equal numbers if stallion. Emeris' flashback was great and his interaction with Luna was well-written. Lastly, Emeris and RD' nervous attitude about the date and nhoe they fell for each other was a sweet and adorable scene, particularly at the end where Emeris finally kisses RD and assures her that he would like to date her. Thanks for this great chapter.
Long time reader, first time commenter, so I'll give you overall impressions first. I'm greatly enjoying the story right now and as a 'visitor to Equestria' subtype, this is easily one of the best concepts I've seen on FimFiction. I've already given this story an upvote, a favorite, and short of having Cthulhu come into the narrative and break everything, that's probably not going to change anytime soon. While I will mention some things I dislike, obviously none of those things have severely affected my enjoyment of the story.
Now for the specific chapter:
Likes
This was a hell of a slow burn getting to this point but I think the buildup to this date has worked wonderfully for the story, even if it only resulted in a picnic, some roughhousing, and cuddles. I especially liked Emeris' giddy attitude once the date had finished. Rainbow Dash's character in general is definitely one of the greatest strengths of this building relationship.
Outside of that, Emeris' panic attacks were amusing in a dark sort of way, and I enjoyed the Disharmony and Disorder wordplay.
Dislikes
Retreading the ground of Emeris' mental disabilities is starting to wear thin. Obviously I think it's important to go over them and Emeris' struggle to overcome those disabilities is going to be a vital part of his character arc, but within this chapter you've had three separate scenes dedicated to just talking about those problems; first with Luna in the dreamworld, second with Twilight among her friends, and third with Rainbow Dash. I'll admit each scene is important in its own way, but I think the scene with Twilight in particular is sort of a speed bump for the momentum of the chapter and could have stood to be trimmed down a bit, or moved to a later chapter.
Again, this obviously wasn't a deal breaker because I still really like this story and this chapter, but you did ask...
'Huh...' Moments
First of all, thank you so much Luna for waiting until things were about to go sideways before stopping the dream. I'm betting Emeris really appreciated reliving the moment where everything started to go to hell on the night before his big date.
Second, did Emeris really think Rainbow Dash was going to pound some mare's face in? I mean, she could probably get away with it since she's an Element of Harmony, but it would still be assault.
Third, if Twilight is so concerned about someone sabotaging Emeris' mental recovery, why not write to Celestia for advice, or have her recommend a good therapist? Luna actually seems to be filling that role somewhat in his dreams at least. Twilight has no doubt read books on the subject but I'm surprised the concern of accidentally screwing something up and making things worse due to inexperience and lack of training never came up.
Fourth, Doctor Stable either has no regard for the privacy of his patients or Equestria doesn't require medical information to be private. Why exactly is Rarity allowed to know all this deeply personal stuff about his mental health?
-
That's all for now. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Really good chapter, dude! :D
Also that cover art though. Pretty nooice.
Really good chapter. I wish I could say more, or get into specifics, but it was just an excellent chapter all around. Kudos Andoriol, this was some damn good work.
Dear Author,
I love this story, because of how much negative stigma is associated with characters as Alicorns people are all too ready to throw potentially good stories and ideas in the trash just because of the concept of the main character.
I have my own Alicorn story that I am, Very Slowly, working on... Only because I don't know what I plan to do as an end. In fact, since the character himself is going to be an Alicorn through the entire story I really need to work on how exactly I want it to end...
So don't sell yourself short on the chapters, you've already done amazing work, and I'm more than happy that this is on my "Stories I Eagerly Await Updates For" List.
What people don't realize is that when a character that seems like an overpowered 'stu' is that sometimes it does just take a few pointers and comments of "I think that it would be much better if 'this line' was expanded on a bit more"
I honestly have no negative things to say about this story because it does create a wonderful tone and setting that you focus more on the characters as someone you could meet and have a conversation with, rather than focus on what KIND of character they are.
Hmmm... So, was Emeris a wanderer before this all, then? He mentioned being ejected from his home reality, and he didn't seem too concerned with taking a different form, so...
Hmm...
5266558
No spoilers, kiddo. ;)
I love how you can make the 'romance' and connection between the characters centered around it actually feel genuine and not shoe horned in. That is a rare thing.
5266036
Keep in mind that Luna wasn't there when it happened the first time. She didn't know what was going to happen and stopped it when it started towards traumatic territory.
I'm pretty sure Dash would, in fact, have beaten her face in. It would be assault and she would have gotten in a heap of trouble for it, but Dash isn't too good with the whole thinking ahead thing.
For a therapist to be of any value, they have to be neutral towards the subject. I imagine that would be hard to find in Equestria right now. Probably impossible in Ponyville. Canterlot is more likely to have one, and I'm assuming that if they wanted to go that route, Celestia would be the best means to find one. But then you run into the problem of the doctor taking Emeris as a patient regardless of his or her personal feelings because the princess asked.
Either Emeris gave permission for his information to be shared, Equestria has far more lax privacy laws, or a small town doctor bent the rules for what he believes to be the best interest of his patient.
I'm betting it's a mix of two and three.
Rolling Earth and Shattered Stone, eh? Is Lyra going to be joining RD and AJ? ;-)
And the note that other combat-trained unicorns could have cast that spell is much appreciated.
5265846
Welcome!
5266036
Happy to have ya'! Anyways!
Would you really expect more than what we got given Emeris issues?
His panic attacks are supposed to be uncomfortable, but entertaining to read. You're supposed to get a sense of what it's like to be in the head of someone who's having those attacks but aware of it and trying desperately not to.
I'm done retreading it, I'm aware I've hit that hammer over the head. He's still going to have those issues, but they won't be brought back up 'on camera' much if at all from now on. We're just going to see them get addressed/them being fixed.
But thank you for saying that! It's always always good to have feedback
Luna was curious, and she had ulterior motives in this scene.
Emeris seriously thought Rainbow Dash would beat some mare's face in. Not that she'd get away with it, but that she'd do it. Whether he's right or not isn't revealed here. If she'd been there? Yes, she would have. Now though? It's iffy. True Glamour would've at least gotten yelled at and threatened though.
Third: Twilight hasn't written them yet because it was only just brought up as something that needs to be addressed. She doesn't technically have to though... because why do you think Luna was there? Just because Twilight hasn't sent a letter doesn't mean someone else didn't. There are machinations afoot. Mind you, I didn't bring up the inexperience/lack of training up because the scene was already bloating a bit badly so I cut it short.
Fourth: Heh heh heh. See above.
Thank you so much for the comment! These are my favorite by a mile! It makes me giddy to have gotten it!
5266071
5266073
I do my best!
5266192
Find a start point and an end point and fill out as necessary. A good question to ask is what the point of the story is and what you want to do with it.
A good way to keep characters from being true Gary/Mary Stu/Sues is to remember their flaws, codify what they can/can't do right from the start, and remember that they and everyone around them are people. With virtues and vices, their great traits and their flaws.
5266558
I love the slow burn to build up to epic reveals. And the omission of information is just as important as the information provided~
5267062
This is honestly a bit rushed, I actually slapdashed the dream/memory section together because I haven't spent enough time developing the relationship between Emeris and Dash sufficiently. I'm trying to make up for lost time actually
Nasuverse?
Maybe I missed a reference to it in previous chapters, but I was a little surprised to find out that this wasn't exactly Emeris' first experience with dimension hopping. While he seems clear of the curse (for now)...does that mean it could happen again?
5267779
You know, I was just thinking the same thing.
Specifically it reminds me of a story on fanfiction.net that crosses over Sekirei with FSN. It's called "In Flight", and it's written by Gabriel Blessing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6556187/1/In-Flight
At several points in the story Shirou's harem discusses his distortion and what to do about it.
5267632
Shiny teeth shiny teeth~
IT'S NOW IN YOUR HEAD.
5267779
5268573
Good catch! It is a shout out, but a deliberate one with some implications/meaning other than just nerdy fun
5268314
It hasn't been referenced yet! For a reason! And it's not because it never could have been mentioned before
The curse couldn't truly come back. It was caused by an error in reality that only happened because of the way that Emeris entered this world. It's almost impossible to repeat. He could have the power again, but not the most disastrous effects of the curse which was the reality and mind-warping aspects.
Whew, a lot of things happened here. Given what the girls discussed let him have a relationship is a good step to healing him.
Very nice chapter.
Great chapter, loved it start to finish.
It was just absolutely adorable how the whole CMC scene played out. Probably my favorite scene.
Hold the damn phone!
"That explains why she's paying for it." Doctor who spilled records to Rarity....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Celestia has a hoof in trying to reintegrate Emeris doesn't she. After all, it's not like the doc got a memo that Emeris was Knight, he had to be told.
So now Emeris is what? Going to get a date from Applejack? The winner is who gets the second date first I guess? I
Personally, given his issues, I'd be stunned if he's able to get it out on the second date. Dude's spent years avoiding it. That doesn't self correct in two months. Of course PTSD + sexual issues could now lead to a sexual assault on his part. Since now it's "okay". Now he's allowed to have the mares that offer themselves. (I do not believe you're going there though.)
(Use info from your "Letters")
Lets be honest, Emeris has spent years battling for his life, been sexually harassed/assaulted for the last 2 years, and is now being rushed in to an explicitly sexual relationship with a mare who has severely internalized undesirability. I mean she immediately assumes total rejection as soon as Emeris steps off script and can't seem to understand or appreciate that he has a different culture. Essentially, she is being manipulative even if is unintended. Any human psychologist worth their couch would be going into hysterics about getting Rainbow and Applejack away from him. The very last thing Emeris needs is a physically intimate relationship. Beyond the fact his emotional landscape is fucked, he won't have healthy views on sex and intimacy for a human much less for a pony, Emeris has been shown to be suffer panic attacks. Now there is are two potentially three mares offering themselves to him, only this time its "okay". A loss of control could end in disaster for everyone involved.
----------------------------------------------------
So we have The Outside. I think it let him go. Whatever did is back there watching and waiting. And probably ready to move soon. I mean "Gary" is now dating 2 of the elements of harmony, a third is interested. He is a knight of Celestia and protector of Ponyville. If I were an outsider that wanted in, I would turn to the ponies of Ponyville and just ask them to let me in. After all Gary is obviously that horrible rapist that nearly claimed them. Let me in and I'll save you all from him. :evil laugh:
Wouldn't it be just tragic if those tiberwolves were sent by an outsider specifically to ensure that Applejack would feel for him?
Emeris should meet the Orz (youtube.com/watch?v=gIbVYXHnaBU) "happy people energy from the Outside". That would fun.
Well, that was fun. Emeris' PTSD makes the whole romance kind of cuter actually, in that he is fighting hard with his own instincts and troubles to make RD happy. Kinda sweet in a tragic way. Can't say I dislike it. In fact, I think the date was the best part of the chapter. The dream in itself was a bit more intriguing though. What was that about him traveling, sounding used to traveling and all sorts of sci-fi/fantasy implications about Emeris. He's not some sort of accountant on a military spaceship of death, is he?
My only 'problem' with the chapter is all the girls talking about Emeris' troubles. I'm not sure how I feel about how they decided to handle it, and, combined with the many other mentions of PTSD, it was getting a bit heavy-handed...
5269076
We shall see
5269482
Happy to provide~
5272002
Huh, that's new to me, but I can roll with that
5274203
*clutches phone*
/
While I'm not saying whether or not the relationships themselves are positive, I would like to note that while they are explicitly romantic, they are not explicitly sexual, nor is there any real rush for such.
While that's a deliciously evil idea, it's not what's happening. Emeris is the worst possible news for Outsiders since he's one himself, but carts around high-end Reality Calcification which makes them operate by the rules of the local universe. They can't break his brain and he can make them play by normal rules, like "Things die" and "If you hit it hard enough, it'll break".
Even if that's the original plan (Which it may or may not have been! No spoilerz ), it's just a bad idea at this point. Emeris basically became their antithesis/worst nightmare.
Also, who says he hasn't met the Orz?
5275819
And no, he's not.
Not being sure about their decision makes sense. You should be iffy about it, or at least think about it hard before being okay with it. They kinda made a decision that really should be his.
That said, I'm aware that I've been a bit heavy-handed with the issues thing, I'm going to dial that back though, this was really the chapter that had to deal with it heavily though. Sorry about that.
Dear Andoriol,
Why can I not stop thinking of terrible situations for Emeris to end up in?
Sincerely,
Genuis101
So I was thinking, we should see True Glamour again. When there are lots of other ponies around. Unhappy ponies.
I know! She should come back into the story at Pinkie Pie's party for Welcoming Emeris (you've hinted at it since the start of the story no way it wont be "fun").
So at the party True Glamour sees Emeris and his missing ear. She is forced to confront what she did. She to accept that everyone will see that he is injured and it was her that did it. The guilt over losing Rarity's respect. All of the anger and fear from the last two years. Knowing that he truly is no longer that pony. That she was wrong.
And then in one line sets the tone for the reconciliation:
"Why the hell haven't you regenerated your ear yet you damn freak?!! Are you trying to make me look bad? Ruin my life?! You've got the Princesses and the elements worshiping you so why?!!? You are always fine the next day so why go the effort, you sadist?!!"
After all what is a tragedy without some blaming the victim?
Clearly, it's SR, for Sapient Resources. I would think most Equestrian companies would be equal opportunity employers. Of course, then it's confusing when those employees have spell resistance.
In any case, an excellent chapter. Backstory, insight, the resolve of friendly amateur psychiatrists, all most enjoyable. My biggest complaint was the misuse of the term "flank." I know, I know, they do it on the show, but that's technically the rib area. The prominence of the term in this chapter really made it stand out for me.
In any case, thank you for this. I'm glad I finally read it. Looking forward to more.
I see a bug here. You're increasing External_Heat by 0.01 of what's left of Contained_Heat, not it's original value. You're not dumping 1% of the heat, you're dumping 0.99% of it. There's a 0.01% of it that just "disappears". You could fix it by just changing the order of the assignments:
A more readable solution:
5300230 gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net/8019B6/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr1zg47PWS1qie3i0.gif
5307901 the same reason people can hate a people for no reason. They feel cheated and manipulated and are looking for something to blame. Sense there's no explanation given to them that *coughhatetermcough* "gary stu" was as much a victim as them they blame him. Seriously, the princesses could have came out and said "He was to harmonious and thus was a victim just like the rest of us." Hell, she could even explain why in good detail. This was a national emergency after all, the princesses could have gone in greater detail for the public.
5300230 coding is magic XD
my duplicate's legs
Given that
With some
a few more wood chips and logs
an object
“You’re
I can't tell who said this
Missing a comma between those two
wonder if
5290873
Because he's fun to torture on purpose!
BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Way ahead of you.
5300203
Happy to provide! And yeah, I know what flank technically refers to, but they use it to refer to the "ass" in the show, and language isn't always perfect. I'm operating under the assumption that the term migrated from its original intent to refer to their butt. Same way that "fuck" used to mean "to hit with a stick" in a literal sense, and a "fag" was a bundle of sticks.
5300230
Ah! Thanks for the catch, it's been years since I personally have coded a damn thing so I easily missed that (I made the mistake, not the character ). Lemme fix that then. And you've got to remember that it's not actually coding, it's him trying to translate the runes into something more understandable (and able to be written with text).
I actually deliberately didn't use another variable for the heat to be transferred as a nod to this, while coding-wise it would be a lot easier to just have a third variable as the one you move, in the runic system that's significantly more complex rather than just directly transferring the heat from inside to outside.
5307901
Long story short: No one realized wtf was happening. Few ponies (in Ponyville) realized that he didn't want it and had no control over it. The Princesses and Emeris didn't realize other things such as ponies being fully aware of what they're doing and unable to stop themselves as well as being unable to talk to one another about "Gary" without causing the "Durrrrr" effect.
People (ponies) were being emotional and not thinking things through or really analyzing the information before them because they were angry, scared, hurt, horrified, and a mess of other emotions all at once due to this one guy. Introspective ponies, or those with a special insight into the situation in some form or another figured it out (Big Mac and Dash for example), but that doesn't mean that they realized that others hadn't figured it out either, or that they'd be able to get over the ingrained habit of not talking about Gary to avoid triggering the stupid-ness that conversations about him cause.
5329862
Basically, yeah. The Princesses didn't realize the full effects of the curse though. That and Ponyville is a bit of an exception here, he did live there.
5352282
You, sir and/or madam are freaking amazing! Thank you so much!
To address the things I didn't go in and change:
In this scenario it doesn't matter and is deliberately left up to the reader. My original thought was Applejack, but it works for Pinkie Pie as well.
Context. She's obviously unhappy about the method she had to use to gauge his magical power (or at least she should've been/come across that way), but touching horns outside of that context is more intimate than she likes.
No, it's still referring to Emeris here. Emeris expected so much intolerance from others, Twilight is surprised by this.
I'm positive it either is, or is close enough to not matter. And I believe the word works better with Emeris' characterization than anxiety would.
5359275 just so you know, I love the story so far.
5359275 Firstly I'm a guy. Second you're very welcome for the help, it's knda like a hobby for me. Enjoying the story so far, keep up the food work! I-if you don't mind that is... u-um please?
You don't wash cats. Cats are self-cleaning. The only time you wash a cat is when they've rolled in something it would be dangerous for them to lick off, such as motor oil or large quantities of mud.
Not because they, "taste bad."
Seriously. What is wrong with you? Go see Fluttershy about cat care again; you need a refresher.
5395825 I could just imagine someone washing their cat in real life
Feels are everywhere!
5400302 i wash my cat and he does not seem to care.
This has changed my opinion entirely of op protagonists and I love it it took me a day 12 hours to read nonstop......THANK YOU
Good for you Em you took that horse by the mouth... and that really is a bad comparison Uhh... you did good man.
I guess you could say he did more than look this gift horse in the mouth.
He forgot the fried penguin. Wark!
I've wanted to comment a few times, but the story is complete. When I saw "Ravenclaw" I needed to come and say 'Dat Hogwarts tho!'.
See? Quips like this is why I love this fic.
Is it bad that I was expecting the last sentence to be something to the effect of: 'then the club hit'
5658735 its been 99 weeks but I dont care
That was horrible and you know it
5359275
Found something else this read-through.
But that would’ve been cheating, and while I might’ve been all for that in a real fight, this was for fun.
Nothing wrong technically just didn't scan right when I was going through.
thought he lost that?
“So why did Ravenclaw
Glad to see the True Glamour situation isn't fully resolved yet. That shit don't sit right with me at all...
The therapy is good though, but seriously girls...when will you learn to get the princesses involved??
White sweat on a horse meaning overexertion is actually a myth. Horse sweat simply always contains a soap-like component, which makes it distribute more efficiently through the hair, and thus evaporate more efficiently, too. It just looks foamy when something rubs against it.
https://www.horsedigests.com/why-is-my-horse-foamy-when-he-sweats/
Come now. That's just multi-threading
That's the most likely one, yea.
You know, that timberwolf attack was never actually explained...
Well, we already know his trauma goes back to before arriving in Equestria. Some of these nameless horrors that Luna and Celestia were talking about were things he probably encountered before he arrived.
This sentence is an excellent indication of why you should always separate addressing terms with commas. You can't ask Fluttershy to not be Fluttershy. That should instead be "Don’t be, Fluttershy".
As far as I remember, he never got an actual choice of which part to give up.
On one hoof, Rarity is not gonna like what they're doing to her clothes.
On the other, honestly, she should've expected this anyway