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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Dear Rarity,
Why the hell are you so hard to write girl?! I spent three days and seven attempts trying to write up your part and I'm still not happy with it!
Best Wishes,
Andoriol
Overall, I'm not all that pleased with this chapter, but I can't think of a good way to improve it. It doesn't feel interesting enough for lack of better terms, and despite my best efforts to try and give Emeris a distinct personality, he still feels very bland. So... yeah, there's that. Urgh. Hopefully I'll either get a pre-reader/editor soon or later chapters will be better, best I can do. Anyways, peace out.
Whoa. What's with our dear Twiley over here?
Huh, think I spotted an error:
In the first 'third-person view' section: "young pegasus/ earth pony crossbreed"
shouldn't that be unicorn/ earth pony, or did I miss something?
1533132
She's Twilight. So... several things. She has her reasons, but they're gonna be a bit of surprise
1533208
Thank you! I totally missed that.
... how the hell did I miss that
Poor Twilight. She actually fell in love with "Gary" from his actual actions and interactions and it was amplified by the curse.
Or at least, that's my guess.
yes Twilight will protect them from "Gary" but she doesn't protect them from Emeris cause she don't need too
great work mate
Dear Twilight,
Grow up and face it that your wrong or I'll be forced to send you to The End. These Endermen don't steal diamond blocks (yes it's happend, those complete and utter b******s!), instead they'll steal off of your limbs and vocal chords. Now get over your grudge and deal that I'm right and you're wong.
~Trollestia
P.S: U Jelly?
Sorry. I like the thought behind it but Emeris is becoming a doormat. Nothing that happened during his curse can be thought of as his fault. He should be seen as a hero because of his actions under the curse rather than as a pariah. Instead, he's hated and reviled for something that he had no control over and instead of confronting the populous or having Celestia back him up, he rolls over and beats himself up. Now maybe there was near-rape with Twilight. That might explain her hatred of him. But any other pony's hatred of him is unjustified and out of place.
No thumb because it's not bad, I just happen not to like the main character.
Twilight is going to get herself in DEEP SHIT.
1533373
I expect the doormat stage is not going to last long. YOur forgetting, even if the curse was not his falt, he still feels responsable. Its an emotional responce. Emotions do not follow logic very well, nore reason. Emotions are why everypony is responding as thay are, Twi, and the others, thay are suddenly not being forced to think of Emeris as thay had before, natch theres going to be quite a bit of anger fear and apprehencion. Also, I expect part of the reason hes being such a doormat is that hes afraid that the curse is still there, at lest partly, and hes trying to prove to himself that its safe to actualy be himself.
1533608
I can see this. But I still don't like how it's working out. Celestia seems overbearing (she's not, it's the POV), he seems like a doormat (he is, that might change as his character grows), Twilight seems unduly angry (I'm think the almost-rape had something to do with that but it hasn't been said), Applejack seems unduly upset ... Fluttershy and Rarity's responses are about what I'd expect though. Thank heavens he hasn't run into Rainbow Dash yet because I'd probably explode.
It's not a failure on the part of the author, I just happen not to like how Ermine ... Ermac? Er, how ex-Gary is acting. Trying to 'protect' Twilight is going to cause a ton of issues both for himself and herself. Also, it's, uhm, a bit condescending? Not really, can't think of the word. Twilight doesn't need protecting, even from herself. She's a big mare, she can take care of herself. Love isn't about deciding to protect someone whether they want it or not, it's about trusting that person to be able to handle themselves and being there when they find out they're in over their head. Again, this could be one of his realistic character traits but I just never liked that in a person. So far, as art, this has worked. It's gotten me to feel. It's just trying not to shout at my screen while at work as I was reading this isn't the emotional response I was looking for.
1533642
I think it was less that he was trying to protect Twi, than that he felt responsable for her actions, even if it was not his fault. Still, thats just how I felt it went down, does not mean thats what was up. YOur also right that Tia seemed a bit overbearing, yet, at the same time, I can understand. I am expecting in part that the story is taking on more a life of its own that the author originaly expected, and that can cause issues when one is putting the words down.
*chuckles softly*
I am allso waiting to see where this story goes. I have seen several that started out to be wonderfull, then fall hard, and some that started out sucky, that ended up being wonderfull. Also, odd as this may sound, the fact that you where yelling at the screen gives the author a lot of credit, you emotionaly connected with the story and chars, even if you dislike them. Err, as an aside, I rather liked how he did Luna, I allways felt kinda sorry for her, poor thing, trys so hard, and mostly was ignored, and her sister got all the recognition. Never mind that there are biological imperatives that cause such things, feelings tend not to understand that. Still, he managed to give her a little hope.
1533236
That's an interesting guess!
1533242
I'm... not sure whether you're being sarcastic or not. Though that is the core of the issue, yes.
1533256
That's a bit... extreme. The "Wtf Twilight?" is intended, yes, but if I'm setting this up properly, when her side of things is revealed, she should seem very justified, as well as garnering a reaction of "Oh god that's fucked up!" about the situation in general. Twilight shouldn't be OOC in her actions given her perspective on things.
1533553
Kinda sorta maybe, we'll see
1533642
Alyeskabird has it pretty close, but not exactly. Though if you think Fluttershy and Rarity are about right then you should be pleasantly surprised by Rainbow Dash.
However, your emotional responses to things are... well... almost exactly what I was going for, just a bit more extreme than I thought. And condescending is the right word, though I thought I'd included the part with Emeris thinking "I know they don't need it, but damnit, if I can keep a bit of the craziness that is my life out of theirs, then I will." to indicate that Emeris is aware of this fact and is essentially ignoring it. Also, the word like is used deliberately, the character is self-aware enough to use the word Love if it's appropriate, the word choice otherwise is deliberate.
This is an explicit character flaw of Emeris, and his "protecting" Twilight is going to come bite him in the ass.
Now, if the character is bothering you due to his "doormat" status (which, admittedly, he kind of is as a symptom of his other character flaws), then I politely request that you at least give the next chapter a chance, as the less doormatty aspects of his personality should be showcased more. If you still dislike the character, then the story probably doesn't have much to offer you unfortunately.
Still, thank you for the compliments, I just hope that the story can be entertaining for you as well
1533721
Thank you for defending my story, though I do have to say that you're slightly off. I'm pulling my "Mysterious Because I can" wizards pergoative card to not say exactly what you're right and wrong about as far as IC goes
But I will note this: The story has not (yet) gotten away from me in the way you're talking about, though what I'm trying to convey through various subtle methods may be very, very different from what the readers are actually getting, and I'm trying to avoid that.
1533760 I'm not I'm not a dick when online, I piss about and act childish on line but I'm not a dick besides
"What's the point of being grownup if you can't act like a child sometimes?"
Justification? No, what Twilight has isn't something that can be called justification. What she has is an emotional response linked to an as of yet unknown occurrence or event. Here's the facts so far, Emeris (ex. Gary) as far as he can recall has not broken his vow of taking advantage of or being taken advantage of during his curse. He has actively been fulfilling the barest minimum of the curse as is possible within his ability. Finally, he never wanted any of the attention generated by the curse, fame in a lot of cases is hell, in his case it's like superhell. Also; he's already beating himself with his emotions worse than the ponies ( could ever punish him (on a grand time scale) anything they do is just below par.
Not liking Celestia too much, playing puppet master (as much as people would say that she doesn't) and using a broken soul to get what she wants. Her morals are in another castle. Because he's important to the "political climate" do not harm him...only for that reason? Doesn't matter that he's a pony now for better or worse and is entitled to the rights of ponyism and should not be harmed because he's a living being like every single pony in equestria? Hmmm, yup Luna, is now best princess here.
With that rant done, I'm going to go ahead and call it, this has a tragedy tag, the current story line believes that there are worse things than death. Hence, either Emeris is going to die (not likely) or you're going to put him in a fate far worse than death (most likely) probably by Twi's machinations.
Keep writing on author! Cheers
1533760
Awww, you mean my attempt at reading your mind failed? Darn it, I was trying so hard too! *chuckles softly* Figured I might be, but, we are only a little into the story so far, harder to estimate where plotpoints will be heading at this point. Also harder to understand the chars with how little we have to go on so far.
As for tags, honestly, the whole gary stu thing would have rated a tragedy tag right from the outset, though we will see if it moves beyond that, or if there is more tragedy to come. In a way, I kinda hope not, I hate seeing ponys suffer, yet, at the same time, tragedy is far too helpfull for making a story interesting.
I get the feeling Twilight might go a bit loco trying to 'protect' everyone from Emeris, also I can't help but feel like he should be at least a little bit pissed off at Twilight for attacking him, then again we're not 100% sure what exactly happened between them during the curse but still.
1533799
Ah, okays Curse you internets for your total lack of vocal-emotional context! *shakes hoof*
1533803
Key question: How much of this does Twilight know?
*blink*
That... is actually a very good point. Hm. Damn. That needs to be changed. I knew I wasn't happy with that portion, but now that you point that out, it's an outright issue. That is not my intention there. That is getting revised as soon as I figure out what it's getting revised to. Celestia is being a puppet-master here, but she does care about the players.
Responses in no particular order to thine predictions: Yes, no, and maybe!
Thank you~! Happy it's entertaining
1533845
Don't worry, Yoda wasn't Emeris' master. He was mine.
Strong in the force, this one is, and reading my mind hard it is.
The Tragedy tag is less in the modern sense of Tragedy of "Bad shit happens to people because Bad Shit happens to people", but closer to the greek version of it. While there is tragedy in the Gary Stu as well as the repurcussions (which will last for another two or three chapters), the true tragedy will be when the character's hubris brings them low. However, that is not the main part of the story, and the story will continue beyond this key point. Their reactions and strength in the face of this will be what defines them and the majority of the story. Bad things will happen, but not because of diablo ex machina (until one point where it is explicitly noted that that's what happened, and the characters will react differently to that one). No suffering for suffering's sake.
1533868
That's entirely deliberate and exactly how you should feel about the situation~
Oddly enough, I would have looked at that more if Twi was not being all OCD and peranoid about things. I kinda expect that from her if you will.
1533893
ANd glad to hear about the 'greek tragedy' type thing, rather than the more conventional interpritation. A lot of it oddly enough is dependant on how we use words, and it can very from location to location, even withen a single country. Sorta like China has at lest three spoken versions of there language, but one written. Errr don't quote me on three, it might be more or less, but, I do know there are a couple diferent versions of the spoken language over there.
1533893 aye orrid issue but ey what can ya do?
1533760
Yes, well I can be evil sometimes! :3
She still likes him. That's why she thinks this way, isn't it?
If I'm right, then this is going to be so hilarious.
Love it when people refer to this scene.
Whict reminds me, he needs a band of mistrels to follow him around for the next time he meet's Twilight.
Ok, I admit I haven't watched every episode of MLP:FiM, but seriously, a T-Rex? I call bullshit on that one.... That just pulled me out of the story. Unless you're going to adress that later.
Other than that, I really liked this chapter.
Even though I spent 40 long minutes reading this, I am confused with the T-rex there, but the ways you match the personalities of the characters are perfect. And now the next note is forwards Twilight, Gary is dead.
1534126
We shall see
1534352
1535375>>1535567
I... actually didn't realize that a T-Rex would be considered out of place in a setting that has fae-equivalents, wendigo-equivalents, dragons, manticores, bears made of stars the size of a town, river dragons and sundry other things. If it's actually that immersion breaking, I'll swap it out with a gator. It was intended as a very subtle shout-out to Hands, which, if you haven't read, YOU SHOULD.
Anyways, it was intended as a quick one-off thing of no importance. I'll change it once I have the time.
1535641
In a later chapter:
"In the frozen land of nador they were forced to eat Emeris' minstrels and there was much rejoicing."
1533373
I think it make somewhat sence. Going from being love to being hated by all can have that effect on people.
Beside I don't think there is enough soap in Equestria if he started to act like the protagonist in your ecxelent fic.
Well, it was immersion breaking for me. No one else seems to mind, though and it is your story, so do as you will. Edit: I just noticed Mythical-Elemental's comment now. But still, even if it is immersion breaking, the chapter as a whole it good and if you really want to keep it in there, then who am I to say no?
For me it is simply that most of the creatures in Equestria are based on mythological creatures (well except the ponies) and there are bears, and the tiger I could see happening, but dinosaurs are a little iffy for me. As I said most of the creatures you pointed out are mythical creatures in our world, while T-Rex's actually existed and died on our planet. It seemed more to me to be something that wouldn't concieveably happen unless Equestria was somehow receiving creatures from different times periods on Earth.
I'm not sure I'm explaining it right, but it just felt off to me.
Twilight's little brother? Is this set in the future when her parents had another kid, or did the curse de-age Shining Armor, or is she talking about Spike?
1533234 I see Emeris was very aggressive to her in the curse so she think is a monster well this will be very sad to see how she will make is life a pain, plz for me don’t make it last long I think he need some time off
Suddenly, T-Rex.
And damn it Emeris, stop beating yourself up. You were only cursed for two years; you have another 60 years ahead of yourself.
Maybe.
Possibly.
Depends on whether or not this becomes a tragedy.
So 2 don't hate him now... that's good but twilight hates every molecule of his being and then there's the other three... she might convince them... off they don't take pity on him first but it will probably be three v. three not counting the alicorns on his side...
1535817
You're not the only one that called it out, and it's not an problem from my end, just a surprise. I appreciate that you took the time to mention it
1536548
It's referring to Spike, I'll make it more explicit. Sorry about that.
1536589
Twilight's issues will last for the next chapter and will be addressed in the chapter after that.They won't be completely resolved in that chapter, but will be directly addressed. The situation is more complicated than that though, and there's more than one reason she feels/thinks the way she does.
1536666
Emeris will stop beating himself up in time. But this isn't going to be that kind of tragedy.
1536724
Not going to happen. That could be a worry if not for information that you, as readers, do not have. It isn't a concern. Twilight won't be turning anyone else against him.
1533803
This. I was really liking this chapter, but then I saw the part with Twilight. And then the part with Celestia talking to Twilight.
She has no justification. She knows he couldn't control his curse, she knows he didn't want it, and any excuse she might have had of ignorance was lost when Celestia backed him up. That part is what got me the most. Twilight, as far as I'm concerned, is completely OOC.
And then there's Celestia! You're excuse last chapter of her being a complete jerk being nothing more than his PoV was completely contradicted here. She's using the thing making his life completely suck, and making no attempts to hide it. Not even from him! All that crap she said made me hate her character in this even more. And what was the point of doing the ritual again? And why would just checking cause even more pain than the first time? That's just pointless abuse, and will probably (considering the writing so far) never be used by him as proof that he didn't want any of it.
In fact, how could Rarity even think he wanted the curse? Yes, she didn't see how painful the ritual was (what I got from your comment), but the fact he went through with it at all should have told her that he didn't want it. There's no excuse for that. At all.
Now that I think about it, why does Twilight suddenly have a younger brother? That really doesn't make sense.
Alright, rant aside, this was great. I really liked the part with Fluttershy and Rarity. The way you showed their emotions was amazing.
1533893
Uh, is that supposed to be an improvement? You're saying you didn't intend for it to seem like she was using him, because you intended for her to use him?
Well, I guess I'm at least happy you see it as an issue.
1535641 I was just saying the T-rex caught me off-guard that is.
1537203
Huge Hint: What indications do we have that Twilight knows that?
Yeah, that was my bad.
Actually... I didn't draw attention to it, but in the first chapter, Celestia essentially tells him straight to his face that she's playing him with a smile and Emeris basically loves it. He actively enjoyed his GSE being used as a political piece and had absolutely no qualms or issues whatsoever with being a political piece himself (provided it was in the hands of someone who was good at it) and Celestia is aware of this. So yes, she's being open with it with him. Her usage of those terms with Twilight though, is out of place and needs to be fixed.
And seriously, a multi-millenial ruler is supposed to not be a puppet-master of some sorts? That... that shatters my suspension of disbelief hard.
The spells Luna and Celestia cast were intended to make sure all effects of the curse were gone. And actually it is one of the things that will be brought up when the issue is addressed, it's just two/three chapters off. I apologize for that.
Again, you're assuming more information than they have. From Rarity's PoV, he seemed just like a grumpy celebrity.
Note his actions in the Prologue, what of those (that characters other than royalty saw) indicate that he doesn't want the power/curse instead of just not wanting the mares after him?
Spike, my bad, already gearing up to fix that.
Thank you, I hope to make it at least a bit more palatable to you when the reveal of what the issue is happens!
And the plot thickens... Anyways I thought you did a fine Rarity and although Emeris does seem ever so slightly bland, he isn't two dimensional and has goods and bads. Most importantly he's relatable, so I don't think you really have anything to worry about there. Good luck with the rest of the story!
1537387
Twilight should know that because otherwise why would he even go through with it? She knows it removed most of his power (Twilight outright says this to Celestia, and even uses that as her reason to attack, because she thought he was weaker).
Maybe I just don't like the tyrant!Celestia idea, because there's nothing like that in the show. But, I do see your point (even if I still think playing and using his emotions like that is something she would never do. Especially to someone she wants to help).
As for an indication that he didn't want power instead of just not wanting to be chased by mares? Even if they didn't know it removed his powers, they at the very least know it removed a major part of his body (his wings). If all he wanted was to not be chased by mares, then why would he need to remove his wings? That wouldn't make any sense at all.
Oh, so that was Spike? Alright, I was sitting there trying to think if I had somehow missed a vital piece of information from the show.
1537145 okay if your sure i was going to go with KILL HIM side but oh well *walks away after dropping katanas* wait. *runs back and garbs them and brings them into a defencive pose* you shall not have these *narrowed eyes while walking backwards slowly*
I have to admit, I was extremely wary about this story from the first two chapters. I thought that all of the ponies were gonna be hating on Emeris without giving him a chance to defend himself.
But with this chapter, I am COMPLETELY hooked on your story and am anxiously waiting for the next chapters to see how the rest of the mane 6 reacts to him.
Have a moustache
Dear sir: Your early-modern english grammar is absolutely terrible.
'Thoust' is not a word.
The difference between Thine/Mine/Art and Thou/My/Are is the same as An/A, which is to say that the former category is only used immediately before a vowel.
I would offer to proofread all of it for you, but I have recently discovered that I am terribly inconsistent at editorial discipline... but you can still look this stuff up on wikipedia...
why does twilight think emeris will hurt her friends?
2278050 Probably because she still had part of her senses doring the curse, and when she saw all the other ponies acting strange, (exept for gary), she thought he was the cause and he was doing it on purpose, therefore assuminng him to be a monster.
Gotcha, narrator dude.
dat Monty Python reference. it made my day.
Hey, friend! I just found this story last night, and I'm upset I didn't find I sooner. This is a really fun fic! I love the dry humor, reminiscent of Hands or Hard Reset, and the unwilling Gary Stu angle is brilliant. Your grammar looks squeaky clean aside from a few run-on sentences. Study up in semicolons and em dashes, and you should clear that right up.
All in all, this is a very funny and emotional story. I'll be recommending it to all my Skype buddies. Please keep up the great work, brother!
Why is Luna speaking Old English? She nows the modern way to speak (Seriously, no writer acknowledeges this when they put Luna in a fic)
Twilight's a fucking beeeetch!
But in all honesty I think you wrote Rarity perfectly it seems just like how she would act in my opinion!
"Tartarus"
"fashionista" (and likewise in later chapters).
Also, just "askance", not "in askance".