Two days ago, the Changelings returned. The history books will call it the "Second War," but it was just a slaughter. The monsters swept through Equestria, ravaging mountain and vale almost indiscriminately. They would've killed us all, but for her sacrifice. Her loyalty. As the saying goes, "stone walls do not a prison make," but my mind is becoming one.
It's becoming a prison of glass and fire, a colorless prism, splitting my shining tears into a rainbow of sorrow.
--Completed for the time being. Regard it as a one-shot (although if I have time, I'll see about writing more)
Chapters (1)
interesting to say the least, but feels rushed.
If it's true when you say this is your first fic, I still feel confident in saying this is definitely not your first piece; the writing is graceful and descriptive.
Although the pacing was a little too fast - a little elaboration for Twilight's mental breakdown wouldn't go amiss - The technique was solid, the grammar correct. I wasn't faced with a wall of text, instead it was presented to me in an attractive manner.
As for the plot itself, the idea of changling's returning was a little too vague for my liking - what was their motive? What did Chrysalis hope to achieve by mercilessly slaughtering everyone? That said, even in canon, I'm not sure what Chrysalis hoped would happen about the Sun and Moon when she overthrew the Princesses of them. I find it interesting that you turned it into a TwiDash, though. If it wasn't for the romance tag, I wouldn't have seen that coming at all. I was a little taken aback that Twilight killed someone, however. I was surprised as I didn't realise she was so far gone. As I said previously: a little elaboration on Twilight's mental stability would be desirable.
Only other criticism I can find is that you haven't left yourself much room to further this story, and yet have still labled it as "Incomplete". Personally I think this would be best just left as a one-shot, as it is now.
I'm certainly interested to see what else you can come out with. Have a watch.
And yeah, think that's all from me.
Have some moustaches (one day I'll be fluent with these crazy emotes)
I love it. It was interesting to see twilight like this. to experience pain beyond anything else.
Well...dang....I kept wanting RD to fly out of the sky and take the bullet for Chrysalis
ya strange I know, something to do with me never wanting to have RD be dead.
Nice story, but ya seemed a little rushed.
First fic? Nah! Too good! First Pony fic, surely?
Swell oneshot; in my opinion, doesn't need to tell us why and how the Invasion happened. Thanks for the rec, bobobob.
Great grammar; but still, shame on your pre-readers.
What's up with your word choice? "Alabaster cloth"? That phrase serves, to me, no purpose. It just sounds pretentious. And the two instances of the phrase "prismatic pegasus" are more ridiculous! Why not "magically lift the mare's lifeless body"? "The world seemed grey before her eyes without that prismatic pegasus there, brash and carefree."? What the hell does Rainbow's physical appearance have to do with this scene? When you described Rainbow's eyes as amaranth and her mane and tail as prismatic, that was good; that paragraph was about her physical appearance, about how much her beauty enthralled Twilight. This sentence? No! This sentence is about how brash and carefree Rainbow was, about how grey the world is without her! Instead of calling her "that prismatic pegasus", use something that emphasizes how heroic Rainbow was, what an immense sacrifice she made—or, get this, call her "Rainbow"! It works rather well sometimes.
I like the writing style in your descriptions.
Man! The narration's technique! Love it! I and many people know how it feels to be unable to think of any non-sesquipedalian words, or unable to resist the urge to draw an allegory to some historical or scientific concept, so Twilight's breakdown is very relatable; and you still show the esoteric extent of her knowledge and make her quite in-character! Exemplary.
Could you tell me what you were thinking when typing those? I ask this sincerely; I'm curious.
Delete the line break. And I dislike using first-person in the summary but third-person within the story.
Why the hell was that fragmented?! What would your teachers think?!
#FlamesOfHatred #PouringForth
Ah, another thing I ask if you could tell me: Why do you place that apostrophe before "Twi"?
where's Spike
is Spike dead too
1435334
Yes. I definitely agree, but hopefully later chapters will explain everything. Also, in medias res pieces CAN tend to feel a tad rushed at the start, but your point is valid. Thank you for the comment!
1435355
What don't you get? (You have nothing to apologize for, no need to feel down on yourself or anything, as my writing can--the trends I've drawn indicate at least that they can--be esoteric or difficult to grasp, even with the intended background knowledge. I've gotta work on that, thanks for calling it to my attention)
1435448
I've been DISCOVERED!!! You're absolutely right, this isn't my first narrative piece, or even REALLY my first fanfic about MLP, just my first PUBLISHED one (or one that I haven't kept in my To be BURNED folder). My FIRST one was a sadfic about Shining dying, but I had a sudden burst of inspiration whilst doing math homework at 11:30 at night, and this resulted 
About the one-shot. I had that idea, too, but it just didn't come out the way I wanted it, especially since I'm trying to have elements of in medias res in this. So, I'm going to conclude it in a chapter or two more, around the same length each, and I'm going to NOT write as much in Twi's perspective (though I'll still use it) in the next one (two?), so I can elaborate more on the TwiDash, the Chrysalis thingy, and lots more stuff!
As a final addendum, the Changeling invasion was left vague on purpose. I could say that it was to not detract from Twilight's descent into insanity, but in reality, I have to find a way that I like to tie my thoughts together on that issue.
Thanks for the watch!
1436355
Twi' and Rares have always been my favorite, and ever since "It's All About Time," I've wanted to have Twi' go beautifully, painfully, and majestically mad. So yeah, a peek into my machinations. Rah-rah. 
1436664
Eh, that'd make for an interesting plot device, but it'd kinda be... a little convenient, don'cha think? Still, good idea! And yes, I will agree that it did seem a bit rushed. I'll have to work on that.
1437985
and 
! Now, on to the comment (Comment has been edited for length after parts of it became unncessary)!
Thank you for your comment; it made me both
Grammar.
. I generally believe that I--and most people--use correct grammar when there's a high-stakes situation. It's just in the stories we tell where our beautifully diagrammed and constructed sentences, usage, and mechanics stumble. Actually, I wrote this on Friday night, and I figured it was good enough to be my FIMFiction.net debut, so I didn't really send it off to my pre-reader.... Shame on me! Thanks for picking those mistakes out.
"Alabaster cloth, et al." Hm. I was sort of trying to reference Rarity's coat, but that came out wrong, I guess. The others, I'm not really quite sure. You comments, especially about the "prismatic pegasus" bit, are entirely appropriate. Considering how I used "prisms" in the description, one could induct that prisms will play a role in later chapters, so I shouldn't desensitize you to them by using them in poorly constructed paragraphs now.
The summary. Well, it can be construed as an addendum to Twilight's speech at the beginning, or just an insight into the machinations of her thought process, but it might also make more sense later.... The line break was completely unintentional; I'll try to remedy it satisfactorily.
Grammar errors. Yup. Here's where everything I've ever commented about grammar being important sounds like hypocrisy.
No clue why the second quote was fragmented. I'll have to look into my notes on that. The Phlegethon greatly appreciates thy wondrous tithe to its fiery fluids. Also, my teachers are only teaching us about compound sentences, parallel constructions, and haven't even mentioned em dashes or ellipses yet. They would still dislike my fragmentation, but I'm not entirely sure what bearing that places upon my writing. It's all ambiguous at this point.
And I have no clue where Spike is. Perhaps he's with Celestia? Or maybe Chrysalis killed him first. I really don't know. *puts on thinking cap, takes out story notes* Probably, I'm just going to have Twilight forget him (like she forgets important things occasionally) and have that be a convenient plot device!
And thanks to all of my dear readers, commenters, and all of you that had anything to do with this! I really feel that FIMFiction rolled out the welcome mat with all the positive comments I've received, and I only have you all to thank for that! *insert witty "I'll write more/Thanks" statement here*
~InfinityXanadu
Ahh you see this is why I don't edit/preread - my grammar is simply abysmal
1438969
I'll keep this in my fave list then! Looks like it'll be a good read!
1439031
Eh, your grammar is a heck of a lot better than some writers/readers/habiters of the bowels of FIMFiction....
Also, you misspelled "too." Yeah. Sorry 'bout that...
Definitely thanks for the favorite; I'm working with Athanix and his group of editors (of which I MAY or may not be one of the only three active members...) to improve my pacing a bit, and make things more make-sens-y.
ALSO! IF ANYONE CAUGHT THE xkcd REFERENCE, TELL ME AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!
xkcd is just THAT good....
Well, I actually won't, but it shall be very heartening to me, and I'll link to your profile page on my account (not that it'll do anything yet, of course lol)--for a long period of time.
~InfinityXanadu
1438969
>insight to the machinations of her thought process
Totally fitting!
Ah, so the line break is a result of FiMFiction's formatting? Cool; sorry.
>Also, my teachers are only teaching us about compound sentences, parallel constructions, and haven't even mentioned em dashes or ellipses yet. They would still dislike my fragmentation, but I'm not entirely sure what bearing that places upon my writing.
Eh, we've been admonished for sentence fragments since elementary school—but I'm depressed by how little grammar my schools' English curricula have taught me. (I'm an American tenth grader.) I'd bet that my classmates didn't learn of em dashes until their Computer Applications course's section on typing reports and letters, nor that they learned of grammatical concepts such as the infinitive until they took a foreign language class; we should learn these in English, and at earlier ages.
[img]images-1.jpg[/img]
This is Great but I still don't get what " stone walls do not a prison make, " Really means.
But besides that this is wonderful
1443501
>Totally fitting!
Sarcasm? *headscratch* Oh wait! That was pretty much the entire purpose for writing.... Yup still not entirely sure what that meant, but whatever.
>I'm an American tenth grader
ABORT ABORT mode Abort Rant active)... but I'm just gonna stop before the pressure in my cranial cavity damages my meninges irreparably (the increase in pressure then becoming a cerebral edema... and on, and on, until DEATH)....
Whoa! Kewlsies! (I'm younger, but I'm not gonna say by how much). I wholeheartedly agree with your assertion, but one could aver that students would be unable to grasp the concepts until later ages. However, the educators who would hold that position, in my opinion, are completely incorrect. THIS is why America isn't ranked #1 in education anymore... this and the general dumbing-down of curriculum (
But thanks for the PM, and comment, and stuff.
1445329
Actually, I believe I strayed from the metaphorical meaning of the aphorism a tad; it generally refers to the resilience of spirit, the capability to continue even if something seems restrictive, or something along those lines. It's pretty easy to search it on teh interwebs (sp)....
Also, just to be a prick:
This is great, but I still don't get what "stone walls do not a prison make" really means. But besides that COMMA (,) this is wonderful ADD THE BLOODY PERIOD! (.)
All in good fun, though!
C'mon, Doc Holiday... you can--and should--do better! Especially since I KNOW you don't misuse punctuation and mangle mechanics like that QUITE so much irl/in Chinese class.
~InfinityXanadu
LOOK THE METAPHOR UP!
Punctuation isn't my priority, online. but I'll try hard still...
Can you explain in English what the metaphor means (not Australian or whatever) ?
PS. Knew you were Australian
1445639
Nah, that was honest.
1446241
Oh okayden... thanks for that, then!
~InfinityXanadu
While I do agree that things seemed a little rushed, I'm not sure where anyone got lost. Made sense enough to me. Chuckled at Twilight's out-of-place yet incredibly fitting science lectures to herself, and sympathized with her--although she went bonkers pretty fast--throughout most of the story. From the description and premise I'd been expecting a slow spiral into madness during the aftermath, whereas it kinda feels like she went from sad to murderous nutball over the course of a nap.
Another thing I've noticed, though to a much lesser extent than with some authors, was that nagging feeling that you were working a little too hard to vary your vocabulary; though I'm pretty sure variations on "mourn" were perhaps a touch overused in the first part. I'm prone to doing this too, but you need to remember, simplicity is sometimes key. Some author I can't be bothered to look up once said something to the effect of:
Something like that, anyway. Point is, using long words and subtle metaphors is cool and all, but you have to keep your target audience in mind. If most of your reader base (in this case, the average FiMFic user) misses the subtler connotations or doesn't quite get your meaning due to the wording, that effort is lost, right?
For a longer story this can still be used effectively. Take SS&E's Background Pony for instance. It's some ungodly thousands of words long, so the reader base is established fairly early and can be assumed for the duration of the (unreasonably) long fic. For a short story like this, it's harder to set up that target audience when you pretty much only have the description to work with.
It's late and I'm dead tired, so I'm not really sure if I've made any point at all here, much less the one I'm trying to. Hope this serves to help a little bit, at least.
1542121
True. Your points are well-made.
In response to your "madness" point, I will (hopefully) aim to tie that into some sort of in medias res storytelling later. Right now, I'm just struggling to have everything make sense in the second chapter alone, but I'll certainly expand upon that (as soon as this incomprehensibly annoying mind-block leaves me). Oh, and I sort-of DID hint at Twilight's already being mad at the beginning (props to anyone who found it).
I do have a point in response to yours about subtlety, however. Isn't subtlety the fun in reading? Take William Shakespeare's plays, especially Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night's Dream; the whole humor lies in subtle references, connotations, and other subtleties. My aim isn't necessarily to make the reader feel "smart" per se, but if said reader is able to grasp the scientific constructs and concepts I bring into play, as well as the subtleties within, then that would likely make said reader feel intelligent (
for redundancies).
Besides, even if it may detract from my story's popularity, I have absolutely no problem with making readers open up a new Wikipedia window every once-in-a-while. However, your point still stands. Some readers, who don't want the flow of the story to deteriorate, will dislike having to research subtle references and concepts in my stories. Well, I'd just like to point out that if any reader has glaring question about something I brought up, just ask.
For those of us who don't like to research, this might not be the best story for you. Ah well, can't please everyone. I shall try, however, to keep the subtle references to being less plot-significant.
Thanks for your insights, and for commenting, and for reading, et al.
~InfinityXanadu
1544109
I did catch the drift that she wasn't quite all there to begin with--who is after the death of someone close?--but it still felt kinda rushed. I'll wait to see what you do with it from here, though, before commenting further on that.
Oh I agree, it definitely is. That's half the fun in a lot of things, really. Large part of why I love the Borderlands games, pretty much everything is a reference. Some blatant, some subtle. I wasn't saying it was a bad thing, I was just mentioning that it's something to keep in mind. I often see people on this site frustrated when nobody catches the reference they make to some ridiculously obscure text. Remember too that beyond a certain measure of subtlety it goes from a cool reference to something literally nobody can find. It's easy for you to connect the dots since you thought them out, so you see the picture while those of us who haven't yet evolved to the point of telepathy only see haphazard dots. Foreshadowing can be like that too sometimes.
And like I say, that's a good thing. It's not a bad thing to encourage some mind-opening. It's just something to keep in mind that you should establish your story as such and try not to be too subtle/devious/whatever because it'll go over the heads of even well-read readers. Spending most of my school years reading everything I could lay hands on won't let me read your mind. If you're unsure about things like that, it can be helpful to have a pre-reader or two. Your grammar and spelling are fine, but getting a reader's opinion can help you determine if the reference you're trying to make is visible to your audience or just to you.
Glad I could provide some feedback, and remember; I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, just that these are things to keep in mind. Not like my word is gospel either, I never did too much writing and haven't found the time to do anything in months now. Shame, really, since I have dozens of ideas I want to put to paper, just don't have the time. If not for the getting paid part, I'd really hate having a job.
Anyway, can't wait to see more from you. Definitely gonna be tracking you and this story.
-Ira
Extremely sad. Great idea, but you could have made it longer and more detailed in multiple chapters.On the other hoof, the breakdown is very believeable and the relationship between characters is amazing. Definately one of my favorite sad stories I've read so far, but it could use some work. For such a great sad story, awesomeness approved.
1544798
Yeah. Though, the point where I really intended Twilight's madness to be apparent was in the xkcd reference, where she said "e-to-the-pi-times-pi," meaning twenty. However, e-to-the-pi-times-pi is actually 19.997996... (or something like that). Another instance was in the UHMW-polyethylene statement. It isn't UHMW itself that is super-resistant to acid, it is just the class of polyethylenes.
Aanyway, aside from the far-too-obscure scientific references, I truly appreciate your (and everyone else's) comments. It's one of the great benefits of a site like this (though, we must keep in mind that at their basest, these are all about magical talking ponies... but who cares?) to have a verbose and well-read audience as well as an audience of your average Joes... really from all walks of life. Anyways, before I get too long-winded, thanks for the comment, and everything.
1544904
Only thing I can say is "thanks" (and "you shall see... mwahaha").
~X
Cogito, et lachrimae
1545526
Yeah, noticed the e^pi^2 but didn't catch the UHMW. Good at math, not quite so much at chem. Oh well, passed and got my transfer credit, that's all that really matters I guess. Doesn't help our textbook did shit like call Napoleon's artillery a "natural form of erosion."
1548182
You noticed my obscure xkcd reference? (God I wish I had interrobangs here)... MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!
And dafuq 'bout Napoleon? It follows that they DID erode some land, but still... wat?
1551580 Haha, I've loved that comic forever. I wait longingly for the day somebody tacks an obscure reference to red spiders, dino-girl, or stealth-carpentry in a story for something.
It was in a paragraph about one of the great Sphinxes (can't remember which one). Noted that it's suffered from natural forms of erosion such as acid rain and the French using it for artillery practice.
When you really think about it, though, that is natural. Humans are from nature, as are metal and sulphur and all the things you'd need to make a cannon. To say that anything we do is unnatural is essentially having the hubris to believe we've gone beyond what the natural world can produce even though everything we make comes from the natural world. I suppose we could classify things made of the super-elements as unnatural, given that they're too unstable to form under anything but laboratory circumstances, but that's beside the point.
1552169
Challenge Accepted. I will now, in my (regrettably OC-focused) magnum opus(es? idk) figure out SOME way to fit red spiders, Entomologist-man, and (his true name escapes me) Forever Dumped Science Dude in.
Haha.
Napoleon had no respect for historical artifacts... but then again neither did some others of his time, unfortunately.
To quote Fullmetal Alchemist: Humans are merely (insert rambling bit that goes like "32 grams of potassium, 4 kg of carbon, etc.")... That's all you need to make a human. But the soul. That is the problem."
As for my views on super-elements, I'd have to say that if we were to do that, then we'd have to classify ice-nine, superionic water, microscopic black holes, and even the HIGGS as "unnatural."
Speaking of science (and what follows is shameless self-advertisement, so be warned), I founded a group, SCI, for the purpose of providing a scientifically-literate group in which to discuss trending topics, fics, and the like. If you wanted to join, you'd probably fit right in. (self-advertisement has ended)
Yours,
IX
1552214 Excellent. Can't wait to read it and hunt them down haha. Do you follow xkcd What If as well? Brilliant mix of hysterical and thought-provoking.
Even now, many don't. On the other hand, though we can only focus so much on preserving the past. Keeping record of where we came from is important, but not as important on setting our sights forward. How far should we take historical preservation, where does it end and progress begin? Should a statue of a dictator be maintained for the historical relevance, or defaced in the light of a newer and freer regime? Should we have kept the Berlin Wall standing as a monument to what was?
And though it's a little off-topic, on the FMA quote, I've always been kinda curious about the concept of a soul. It's true that, all told, we're pretty much nothing but a set of elements and electrical impulses. The trouble with that is that it leaves the world totally deterministic. Every action, every reaction, nothing but chemical reactions and nature's laws. Morality would crumble in entirety since, if there was no choice to be made, how could one be blamed for their actions? I'd like to believe there's something else that makes living beings go, something intangibly metaphysical that allows us to live, at least to some extent, under our own direction rather than following the path that natural laws have carved for us through the timeline of our lives.
Mm. I'd agree (for now, at least) on the superionic water and micro black holes, but if I recall correctly ice-nine has formed on some planets naturally. I could be mistaken on which form of ice it was, but Neptune, to my recollection, is covered in some form of ice that's different from our typical sort. As for the Higgs-Boson, I'd argue that it remains natural because it wasn't formed under lab conditions so much as found under them. Theoretically, anyway. Still waiting on confirmation that it wasn't a 3-billion-to-1 false positive, correct?
I think I'd like that, yeah. I'll look into it. For now though, it's been a long day, and I need to blow stuff upon Pandora for a bit.
Soon, though!
Regards,
Ira
1552524
What, you mean stopping trains with bb guns? Bring it on, asteroid...
On the point about history and keeping records: I probably can't offer an optimal plan more than the next person can, but there is still one thing I'd like to point out. If we focus all our time/energy/etc. on progress, then we would lose track of where we're progressing from, and really, what we're moving towards, for we'd have no reference point to compare to. And I think that's pretty dangerous.
And, on the subject of souls, one would pretty much have to believe, regardless of whether or not it is true. I don't really think it matters whether it's true or not, so long as we believe, but that's just my view.
You're right about ice-nine, and all the other ice forms, but there are some problems with the surveys and spectroscopy reports that I know about:
They measured the pressure, temperature, and cooling patterns, and formulated the theory that there was ice-nine, etc. on there. However, I'm not sure they actually got a sample of it. Eh, whatever. Your point still stands.
Although I'd like to think that a 3 billion : 1 false positive is unlikely to the point of ridicul(osity? ousness?)e, we still do have to wait on that... and I guess it all hinges on the "theoretically" part, until then.
All the best,
IX (haha ice-nine... nah not really)
I say this with all the eloquence that I can muster: Twilight dropped a pantheon upon Chrysalis' bitch-ass.
Well written, my friend. FOR SCIENCE!
1641721
Thank you. FOR SCIENCE!
Sorry, thumbs down. It is too rushed and well... First twilight is mad then chrysalis is dust. What happened in between?
1739434 ok...
I cried a little.... ok... a lot....
dammit
i wasted alot of liquid pride
Actually, Black is the color that you're looking for here. Or, really, lack of color, as it were.
In physics, a color is visible light with a specific wavelength. Black and white are not colors because they do not have specific wavelengths. Instead, white light contains all wavelengths of visible light. Black, on the other hand, is the absence of visible light.