Let Mayhem Commence

“So, which one do you think your mother would prefer, darling: shampoo, or conditioner?”

“Goo Goo!”

“What? No, you got that wrong, sweetheart. It’s shampoo, not ‘goo goo’... oh, right. I forgot, you’re not old enough to talk yet. Still, just to be on the safe side, best get both. I hope when you grow up, I hope you’re not as fickle as Mummy about what you smear in your mane to get the tangles out. Now though, something for Daddy…”

“Ga Ga!”

“Wrong again. Not ‘ga ga’ Flurry Heart, nana. Or ‘bananas’, if you want to be technical about it. I’ve been crazy about them since my junior days at Guard Academy… they really give you that much-needed potassium kick on those early morning patrols! Now, where do they keep the fruit… oh yes, the other side of the supermarket. Bother. Now I’m going to have to go all the way around again. Remind me… why don’t we ever make a proper shopping list?”

blows raspberry

“Oh that’s right, because it’s boring. Still, it would save some time if we knew exactly what we were buying and in what order, don’t you think? Maybe Auntie Twilight knows what she’s talking about when it comes to being organised. When you’re her age though, try not to be so neurotic. There’s ‘setting things up in a clean and concise order’, and then there’s ‘losing your marbles the one time you forgot to send Granny Celestia a friendship report’. Twily didn’t think I’d hear about that little incident judging by her desperate attempts at expunging it from the records, but big brothers always find out about these sorts of things. Future blackmail, here we come…!”

Zzzzzz

“...Yeah, I probably am chattering away for too long, aren’t I? That’s what happens when you’re a trained soldier during times of peace in Equestria, and you’re left on foal-sitting duty whilst your wife is attending a ‘very important conference of the Princesses’ in Canterlot. You end up going half-mad with boredom, trying to have a complex conversation with your uncommunicative baby daughter during the weekly shopping expedition, who isn’t even out of diapers yet. Oops, in fact that reminds me… before we leave the ‘Everyday Essentials’ aisle, I just have to nip over there to get you some extra-absorbents. Be back in just a minute, ‘kay?”

Shining Armour left the apparently drowsy Flurry Heart alone in the trolley without hesitation, after all… what could possibly go wrong in the miniscule period he’d be absent? She’d probably have a quick refreshing nap, play with the colourful beads he’d kindly put above the child seat, or maybe (if she was feeling especially rebellious) lean over to lick up some of the melted chocolate ice cream that was the result of a very lonely Daddy nattering away instead of doing what he was supposed to. Which was obviously, to pick up much-needed provisions for the next few days whilst Cadence was away.

For any other infant of Flurry’s tender age, this temporary arrangement would be absolutely fine. The trustworthy (and somewhat sparkly) residents of The Crystal Empire generally weren’t child snatchers, and even in the unlikely event one of the citizens woke up one fine morning to take up this potentially lucrative profession, it would surely be the epitome of insanity to start with this particular baby alicorn.

Not just because Cadence and Shining would rain all manner of Tartarus’s most unholy wrath upon the unlucky abductor, which they undoubtedly would and well deserved it would be, too.

Not just because said criminal sort would be a despised pariah wherever they roamed from that point onwards for snatching a ‘helpless’ babe from her booster chair.

But because Flurry herself had the well-deserved reputation of being the cutest lil gurgling time bomb you could ever hope to not provoke. Scratching under her chin was fine. Playing peekaboo suited her down to the ground. A total stranger grabbing her when she least expected it though, and…

Well, let’s just say the previous almost-destruction of the entire Crystal Empire caused by her unpredictable mood swings would be just a warm-up. Sufficed to add, most villainous ponies (even the most depraved ones desperate for bits) weren’t ready to experience inevitable armageddon at such close range, and wisely steered clear of this cherubic potential nuclear explosion with added dimples.

No, the real reason leaving a pretend-tired Flurry Heart unattended for even the brief period it takes to blink is that she was not only arguably the most powerful mini-filly ever to be born, she was also one of the smartest (especially when it came to fooling her nice-but-slightly-dim Dad) and… this is the crucial one…

Exceedingly hyperactive. Put it this way: you could simultaneously prescribe her every single mood-calming drug on the market, and you’d perhaps succeed in containing her wildly frenetic ways for maybe forty-five seconds, fifty tops.

Whether this rampant overstimulation was a result of some hitherto undiagnosed schism in her still-developing brain is unclear, equally if it was a natural progression from being the first baby to be born with wings and a horn that gave her such an tirelessly enthusiastic exploratory nature.

In any case, that undesired aspect to her personality was there, it couldn’t be ignored and had to be dealt with, whoever her caregiver happened to be on any given day.

Mummy was usually quite good at keeping a lid on Flurry’s sporadically curious urges. She usually either held her daughter just right, or distracted her with adorable cuddly animals, or conjured up an arresting light display, or…

You get the picture. Cadence was a pro at this whole ‘mothering’ occupation. As you’d probably expect. The clue is in the title.

Alas, despite his best efforts, Shining possessed no such expertise. His hugs tended to be a bit too hard or a tad too soft, he always seemed to give Flurry the wrong toys (she was still a bit too young for collectable action figures) and his lamentable attempts at entertaining his daughter with magic… well, let’s just say they more ‘tragic’, and move swiftly on to spare his blushes.

Still, Flurry Heart loved her father for what he was rather than complained about what he wasn’t, and gamely listened without interruption to his ‘glory’ days as Captain Of The Royal Guard, whilst wondering why he never responded to any of her own questions. After all, to her at least, she was making perfect sense.

There did come a time though, when every future adventurer needed to flap their wings and venture out to see the big, wide world. To realise life doesn’t begin and end from the cradle to the shopping trolley, to scout out new territories, meet new ponies, experience so many different cultures and strange customs along the way…

Naturally, Flurry had no idea there wasn’t a lot of this international flavour to be found among the numerous deals at this most generic of discount marts… but how was she to know that? Perhaps the best adage which could be applied here is: you never know, ‘til you explore.

Realising she was all on her lonesome at long last, the crafty tot cut her ‘exhausted foal’ routine as soon as an unaware Shining turned the corner, took a quick glance around to see if the coast was clear, before taking to the air without delay to see what exciting wonders lay just beyond the horizon.

And so it began: learned scholars will tell that the exploits of one brave little alicorn didn’t begin in the scorching San Balomino desert, or in the foreboding Forbidden Jungle, or even in the relatively nearby Crystal Mountains.

Nope… it all started here, at a humble rip-off of Barnyard Bargains in the mall, surrounded by unsuspecting customers searching for skin lotion or seedless jams, completely oblivious they were in the presence of a future legend.

Put it this way… reclusive author JK Yearling would soon have some serious competition.

And so would a certain draconequus, as you’ll discover in a few short paragraphs.

CRASH!

Can’t believe they only had Ponypers, no sign of any Buggies or Hello Filly at all… a clearly frustrated Shining Armour marched right on back to his shopping cart, frustrated by the lack of variety in absorptive undergarments for babies. I know they’re the most popular and therefore most stocked brand, but they always seem to bring my sweetie out in a rash. Perhaps we should try doubling-up on them when we change her, see if that prevents… oh.

A very empty child seat greeted the gobsmacked stallion upon his return, causing him to drop the ten or so packs of diapers he had carefully balanced on his back en route and instantly enter Full Panic Mode.

No, let’s think about this logically. Despite her precocious talent, she hasn’t quite mastered the invisibility spell yet… so obviously she’s still here somewhere. And she can’t have gone too far, because I don’t hear any screaming villagers or smell any crops burning. So hopefully, if I don’t draw too much attention to myself and have just a sneak peek around, I’ll be able to locate the young fugitive pretty quickly. We can then put this whole sorry mess behind us and Cadence won’t feel obliged to neuter me without anaesthetic as soon as I return…

“Would Shining Armour, the father of Flurry Heart please come to the head office located at the front desk. I repeat: would Prince Shining Armour, located in aisle 6A, looking utterly stupefied and ready to faint, please come at once to the head office. Your ‘lovely’ daughter is waiting for you there, about ready to suck my hoof off…”

Oops. Looks like he spoke too soon. Again. In his deranged rush forward to the reception area even before the rather crackly tannoy message was over, Shining might’ve misheard some of the rather garbled dialogue.

It mattered not, though. All he knew was his precious was safe, ready to be collected on delivery and…

He better hide any gelding irons from wifey tonight. Gulp. I should just tell her ‘I want more kids’ and hope for the best…

Five minutes later, in the head office of store manager Mr H. Seed.

“So, what have you got to say about this then, Shining Armour? First it was the baked beans, then the potato salad and now an entire one-hundred carefully-stacked bumper-pack pyramid display of deliciously sweet maple syrup, all completely destroyed in one fell swoop because you couldn’t control your… beautiful child. I shall choose my words carefully because she is our youngest Princess and future leader after all, but I’d like you to tell me how you think we should handle this latest heinous act of wanton juvenile vandalism.”

“Hmm, I don’t know. It seems like quite a sticky situation(!)”

“This isn’t funny, Shining. Not only will it cost at least a thousand bits to replace all this ruined merchandise, which I’ll be billing to your account upon the conclusion of your visit by the way, but we’ll have to close that entire section down whilst we institute the mother of all clean-up operations. And that’s to say nothing of the traumatic tidal wave of treacle that engulfed staff and customers alike in the aftermath; they’ll have to have their clothes replaced, use special cleaning fluids to remove the resulting residue from their fur, gallop home before all the local stray dogs start licking their skin off…”

“Fine, I guess humour isn’t the best way to resolve these kinds of conflicts. I should’ve learned that when she smashed her first ancient vase at the museum and telling the attendant ‘at least it wasn’t new’ did nothing to negate his anger. Money it is, then. How much more do I owe you?”

“Another thousand for compensation should cover the damages nicely. It’s convenient, don’t you find, to avoid these long, protracted lawsuits. Thank you for coming today, and please don’t hesitate to visit us again. As long as you try keeping that one on a leash, that is.”

“Sorry, I missed that last part. Did you actually suggest…”

“I clearly said ‘try the fish’ on your way out. It’s our specialty, you know. I just pronounced it like this since I was a colt: f-e-e-s-h. True story. Speech therapy didn’t work, so guess I’m stuck with it. Ah well, such is life. Goodbye.” Slam

Hay Seed literally (but in the politest possible fashion) nudged a nonplussed Shining Armour and Flurry Heart out of his room and into the corridor, before shutting it, deadbolting it and turning a few keys in the process, too. Hmm, guess he’s busy, which is a shame as we were in the middle of quite an interesting conversation. Never mind: now to deal with this little lady I suppose…

He gazed down with a sigh at the ‘innocent’ eyes of his firstborn, burbling away in his forehooves and looking for all the world as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. “Actually butter would, but maple syrup wouldn’t, and you’ve got it everywhere on you: not just in your mouth. How many times have I told you: only eat it with pancakes! Or waffles, but we’ll save them for when you’re a bit older. Now I know I keep telling you this every time something like this happens and never follow through, but you really must be punished today. If I don’t teach you discipline at some point, you might grow up to be a habitual criminal… then where would the future of the monarchy be…!”

“Dada!”

Whether Flurry Heart offered a genuine moment of affection towards her suddenly beguiled father or was shamelessly manipulating him to get off the hook for her various misdemeanours was unclear, but nevertheless he remained resolute and refused to back down from his cast-iron word.

“...As I was just saying, you’ll be severely reprimanded by receiving at least no less than three hugs when we get home, two kisses before I put you to bed, and one story as you’re nodding off to meet Luna tonight. Don’t argue with me, this is definitely happening. I hope this makes you realise that I’m no soft touch any more, and there are consequences to all your actions. Now, I think we need to pay another visit to the ‘Everyday Essentials’ aisle before we go, to see if they’ve got any of that very special industrial-strength soap to wash you down with. Then, it’s off to the bank to make sure the nice lady there doesn’t call Mummy about a ‘surprisingly big withdrawal’. Next, let’s pay the chemist a little visit to get some valium for Daddy, then later…”

Author's Note:

I've now done one with Flurry Heart as a filly, one as a foal, maybe next one as a teenager...? Let me just put on some depressing grunge music, start thinking the entire world hates me, and purposefully grow some zits to pop them later. That should set the right mood.