The New Moon
The New Moon
“Is something bothering you, Luna?” we heard a voice call out from behind.
“Oh, hello Celestia,” we replied. “Nothing is wrong.” We looked out the window and saw the thin crescent hanging in the night sky, surrounded by countless shimmering stars.
“Really?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “This isn’t how I remember you, you used to be so energetic and talkative. Are you sure there’s nothing you’d like to talk about?”
My sister approached us with her regal mane flowing behind her; the colours dim yet still more vibrant than our own. She wrapped her wing around us and pulled us closer, pressing our cheek against hers like she had done when we were fillies.
“Yes, we are -- I mean, I am sure...”
“Have the years separated us?” she asked suddenly.
“What do you mean?” We wanted to get out from under her wing, but we could not force ourselves to leave the warmth.
“What happened to you was my fault, but you haven’t complained once since your return last year. How is it that you can be so close to somepony with so much resentment inside you?”
“We do not resent you, Celestia!” we replied, laughing it off.
“Then why are you still calling me Celestia?” We stopped laughing. “When we were younger, you used to call me Tia, so why won’t you call me that anymore?”
We turned our face away when we felt it flush.
“It is childish, do you not agree?” we murmured. “We should not degrade ourselves by speaking like fill-”
“It’s not degrading when I’m your sister!” she retorted, forcing us to stare into her purple eyes. They were not as happy as they usually were -- they seemed distant, and distraught. “...But it doesn’t seem like I am anymore.” She let go of us.
“We -- I do not understand...” I mumbled.
“It’s been a year, and you’re still having trouble with raising the moon every night. However, you never let me help, no matter how many times I offer!"
With a sigh, we trotted out onto the balcony of our room. Leaning over the banister, we saw the homely darkness, the luminescent glow of my responsibilities, and the extensive silence.
“It is not something we -- I can do with ease,” I admitted with a sigh. Celestia stood next to me, gazing out over her kingdom.
“But we can do it together easily,” she persisted.
“That is not what we meant!” we said impatiently. “We -- I meant that I find it difficult to ask my elder sister for help. I am not a foal anymore; I should be more independent.”
"Don't be silly!" she scoffed. "The first time you raised the moon, I helped you, and it took you a full year to be able to lift it on your own! There's no reason to rush, take your time and recover. Regain your ability to summon the moon slowly, and in the meantime, I'll help you in whatever way I can."
"What if we become dependant on you?" we asked her. "What if we rely on you for everything, and we become incapable of doing anything on our own?"
"Why is that a bad thing? I'm your sister; it's my job is to help you when you need it."
"Really?" we questioned, unable to look at her with a straight face.
"Yes!"
"We find that hard to believe," we remarked, turning our face to the side.
"Why? Why is it hard for you to believe your sister?"
"We find it difficult to believe anypony when they are lying to us."
"I'm not lying though!" she insisted. "I want to help you! I've always wanted to help you! You just have to-"
"Is that why we were sent to the moon?" we interrupted. "We do not remember you helping us when we needed you to all those years ago, but is that not the job of the elder sister? To help the younger when she cries out to you?"
She stared at us in wide-eyed bewilderment, blinking furiously as her jaw remained slack.
"Why did you ignore us? Why did you turn a deaf ear to our pleas and our screams?"
"I-I don't know," she stuttered, taking a step back.
"If the job of the elder is to help the younger, then you were a terrible sister, Celestia!" we cried, stomping a hoof.
“You're right! And I'm sorry!" she retorted. "I should have been a better sister when we were together!” she cried. “Please, let me make up for my mistakes! Let me help you with the moon!” We turned our face away from her again, biting our lip.
"Raising the moon is hardly atonement..."
"Then you name the trial!" she demanded. "You tell me what it is I must do!"
We thought for a moment, imagining Celestia working on farms and sweeping the streets of Canterlot with nothing but her hooves. Sighing, we slowly shook our head from side to side.
"No, it's fine," we mumbled, with our eyes half closed and a small smile on our lips. "You can just help us raise the moon the night after tomorrow -- it will not shine tomorrow."
“Even if the moon doesn’t shine, you still have to raise it into the night sky,” explained Celestia, cocking her head. “Don’t you remember being upset about that as a filly?”
“Oh yeah...” we mumbled, scratching our chin with a hoof. “It must have slipped our mind... Well, anyway, we would like to raise the moon on our own on more time.”
"Great! Then I’ll help you the day after tomorrow!" She beamed at us. "And I can also help you on any other night! I promise, I'll always be there for you."
“We would never improve if we were to let you assist us whenever we had trouble performing what ought to be a simple task,” we chuckled. We headed back into our room and sat down on our bed. The smooth silk sheets were cold to the touch, but they quickly warmed up underneath us.
"But-"
"We can not let you spoil us," we interrupted.
"Why not?" she begged, trotting towards us.
"Because we need to learn how to do our job on our own. Your charge is the sun and ours is the moon; we should not let you take over our responsibilities!"
She heaved a lengthy sigh as she sat down beside us.
“You know,” she started, placing a hoof on our shoulder. “Before you were old enough, I was the one who had to raise the moon. You never complained about me doing your work for you back then.”
“We were fillies back then,” we replied, pouting. “We did not understand what it meant to be responsible. When we were younger, we also fought with the animals in the garden, you are not suggesting that we do that again, are you?” Celestia laughed.
“Why are you so different now?” she asked, still chuckling. “When I banished you, you were so naive, so impressionable, and you weren’t afraid to ask me for help when you needed it!” Her giggling stopped. “Did the moon change you?”
“We used to be like that, but we are not anymore...” we corrected. “Time goes on and ponies change naturally, Celestia.”
“Now, you seem to hate the idea of being what you were. Are you afraid that the same thing might happen?” Our eyes went wide and we felt our heart sink into our stomach.
“What do you mean?” we asked.
“Are you afraid that you might turn into her again?” she repeated, eyeing us with an eyebrow raised. "Into Nightmare?"
“That is absurd!” we boomed, suddenly jumping up and moving away from her. “We know that can never happen again!”
“So then why are you so reluctant to let things go back to how they used to be?” she asked us, getting up and trotting closer.
We could not lie to her.
“We...We are afraid.” we admitted.
“What of?” she continued to ask, holding us with her wing again.
“We are afraid of Nightmare.”
“So you are afraid of what happened a thousand years ago...” she affirmed. “There’s no need for you to feel fear, Luna,” she said, pulling us closer and sitting us back down on the warm, silk sheets. “The elements are no longer ours. Twilight and her friends control them now and they aren't able to banish you to the moon. You’ll never see that prison ever again.” We bit our lip.
“We are not afraid of that,” we murmured. “We are afraid of the other ponies.” we corrected.
“Why?”
“We are scared that they might get hurt again.” After pushing her wing away and sliding across the smooth covers we dug our face into our hooves.
“How will they get hurt?"
“We forced upon them the night that they loathed, do you not remember? Now we do not know how to live beside them, and we do not know how to be their benevolent ruler. We only know how to harm them, how to scare them, and how to breed their hatred for us...”
“Our subjects don’t hate you!” insisted Celestia, waving our words away.
“We find it unbelievable that they would not hate the monster we were...”
“But you’re not a monster anymore, are you?” protested Celestia. “You’re not Nightmare anymore, and everypony in Equestria knows that.” Her wings wrapped around us once more.
“They might still resent us, deep down in their hearts. They might reject us, and we might...We might retaliate...”
“I will never let that happen,” she assured.
“How will you stop us without the elements?”
“I’ll show you that you can stop yourself.” Her eyes were sincere.
“How will you do that?” we asked.
“By taking you outside, talking to you, and finally being your big sister!” she declared.
“You were always our big sister...”
“Are you sure? It certainly doesn't feel that way.” We felt her wing hold us tighter.
“For a thousand years, we waited for the day that we would return, not so that we could see our sister again, but so that we could force eternal night upon the world. We are the ones that are at fault, and we are the ones that should be a better sister. It was our jealousy that separated us, it was not your fault.”
“But your jealousy wouldn’t have manifested if I were more caring! Nightmare Moon wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for my insensitivity! Let me help you forget all about the moon, forget all about Nightmare. Your life will be so much easier afterwards, I promise!”
Celestia sat with us in silence. The lights were all off, just as we preferred, and although Celestia could not see the pain on our face, we could see how desperate she was to help us.
“I was loved by them, and you were forgotten, hidden away in my shadow. If I had lit the path for you, then you would have been able to prevent what had happened next...Everything is my fault; you were punished for my selfishness. I watched as you descended into the darkest corners of this world and turned into...Her. But I can promise that you’ll never have to think about the past ever again, it’ll be as if none of it ever happened!”
Celestia stared at us, begging us to look her in the eyes, hoping that we would accept what she said.
“It is not necessary for us to forget,” we stated, lowering our eyes. “Forgetting would make it easier to repeat the same mistake...” We saw Celestia smile for a moment in the pervading shadows.
“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it!” she declared as a large grin grew across her face.
“Even if you did show us the outside, we will not know how to behave...” we continued.
“That will change with time,” she assured.
“But we do not know how to be around other ponies, nor do we know how to talk to them.” we said. “We have grown accustomed to a life of solitude.”
“Is that why you won’t eat dinner with me?” We turned our face away again.
“Old habits are difficult to change, and our habit was born from a thousand years of loneliness. We do not think it will be an easy transition.”
“Nopony said anything about this being easy. What’s valuable is always hard to obtain, and what’s worth having is worth working for.” We grimaced at her words.
“We could never say words as thoughtful as those...” Celestia smiled again.
“Practice makes perfect!” she replied. We rolled our eyes, and she chuckled quietly.
“These are merely words that I have heard in the thousand years you have been gone. They are not mine.”
We felt a little relieved, and almost happy.
“So then, how about I take you out tomorrow for a trip around Equestria? You were banished for a thousand years, but to me it feels like it’s been a thousand and one.” We saw a mischievous grin on her face.
“We -- I must guard the night. I will be tired in the morning.”
“The guards can take over for you,” she suggested. “You can sleep, and then tomorrow we can go see Equestria. It’s changed since the last time we went out together.”
“When will we be back?” we -- I asked her.
“Who knows?” She shrugged.
“I -- I must raise the moon again tomorrow night, remember? And I do not think that I can perform such a task anywhere other than here.” My face was hot, and I could not look her in the eyes. "I am already having troubles with the moon, and if I am not in the castle when I raise it, I fear that it will not rise."
“Well then, we can make it back in time for you to perform your duties,” she sighed. Her voice seemed fragile and disappointed.
“Could...Could you help me...Tia?” I closed my eyes.
I felt a loving warmth embrace me and reach into my heart. Celestia held me in a hug and her hooves were wrapped around me. I felt something cold trickle down my back, and when Tia spoke again, I could hear that she was crying.
“Of course I can!” she replied, elated.
“Th-that way, we can spend more time together...” I fiddled with my hooves as she held us at hoof's length.
“Yes, we can...” she mumbled. Her smile was back, and her eyes were happy again.
“I will need you to guide me, sister. I will need you to help me learn the ways of this new world,” I told her.
“I will always be by your side, Luna,” she insisted. “I will never leave you again!”
She smiled at me, and I smiled back before leaving her grasp and trotting back out onto the balcony. Without a word, Tia followed me and together, we gazed out upon our kingdom. Her eyes were fixed on the houses, but mine were aimed towards the glistening crescent hanging in the night sky. For a thousand years it had been my home, and despite being alone I had always felt content there. I kept thinking about the day I would return, and the everlasting night that would follow, but the silence had been a gift. It had given me time to think, to question the validity of my choices, and even though Nightmare would not admit that we were in the wrong, I did. It is not something that I would volunteer for; it was unimaginably cold and the landscape was soporific, but now, it is something that I think about often. Every night, when the time comes, I have to lift it up into the sky, and no matter how tiring it is, I know that it is worth it. I have never seen anything more beautiful, and I doubt that anything will be able to match its grace and fascination. Tomorrow is the new moon, and it marks a new lunar cycle. I’ll get to watch as the moon grows, night by night in the sky, surrounded by the shimmering stars.
“Tia...” I started, face already red. “Do you think that I will like Equestria?”
“Yes,” she mumbled, wiping her cheeks with a hoof. “You’ll love it!” she cried.
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Salutations sir/madam Fetlock! You review hath arrived! Before I hand it over to you though, I need you to print out this page, sign here X_______________, here: X_________________, and at the bottom of the review. After you've finished doing that, throw away the paper you just printed for no reason.
Every now and then, I'll throw humor like this into my review to keep things interesting. Bear in mind that I do this solely for the purpose of making the reading more interesting (and also because this is the way my mind works). I promise I'm not mocking you in any way, shape, or form (unless I actually say I'm mocking you).
My review is divided into four main sections: Grammatical Issues, Flow Issues, Clarity Issues and Suggestions, each of which is explained below. When I refer to individual lines, I will do so by referring to their paragraph and sentence number in the following fashion: pXsY, where p stands for paragraph, s stand for sentence, X is the paragraph number, and Y is the sentence number. For example, p2s1 would refer to the first sentence of 2nd paragraph. Note that I do consider lines of dialogue as individual paragraphs IF they have been given an individual line. I also include the quote I'm referring to for two reasons. 1) It's more convenient for you: It'll be a lot easier for you to understand what I mean by something if you can see it right in front of you. 2) More importantly, if you use "Ctrl+F" (or "Cmd+F" on macs), and type in the quote, your browser/ word processing software will take you directly to that line in your script. Doing that will save you a lot of time that you would otherwise spend having to count out which paragraph is which!
And remember: If anything is unclear to you, make sure to ask me so I can explain to you what I mean.
Grammatical Issues
Grammatical Issues is the section where I will discuss any grammatical issues your script contains. This will include issues such as improper use of tense (i.e. using past tense when you should use present), improper grammatical form, and other such grammatical issues.
Note: Throughout the entire script, you rarely remembered to capitalize the first word after a speech by a character. I did not include every single case of where you did this below, as that would be too time-consuming. Instead, I leave it up to you to fix these errors. Remember: After a character finished speaking, comes punctuation. After any type of punctuation comes a capitalized letter.
p4s2: "She wrapped her wing around us and pulled us closer, pressing our cheek against hers like she
didhad done when we were fillies." Remember that that verb should be in past tense, seeing as you are talking about an even that takes place in the past.p12s1-2: "“It is childish, do you not agree?” We managed." Unfortunately, 'managed' is not a verb you're allowed to use in place of 'said', because managed is not a verb that in any way indicates speech. I understand that you mean to say 'We managed to say', but you gotta do it properly. To fix this, you can either replace "managed" with an appropriate verb, such as "muttered", "murmured", "said", "stated", "snarled", etc.
p13s2: "They were not as happy as they usually are -- they seemed distant, and distraught. " See what you did there? That's a tense shift my friend; when you're discussing/describing a particular iitem/event/scene, you can't shift from past tense (were) to present tense (are), and you most certainly can't shift back to past again (seemed)! Either convert the whole sentence to present tense, or the whole thing to past.
p15s1: It’s been a year, and you’re still having trouble
withraising the moon every night." The word "with" is unnecessary. Delete it!p17s2: "I admitted with a sigh." An unspoken convention of writing: If you refer to yourself a certain way (i.e. we/us), you're supposed to stick with it. Here you switch from Luna referring to herself as "we" to "I". You're should probably fix it.
p18s1: "But we can do it together, easily," Two things. A) You don't need a comma after the word "together", B) You need to end this line of dialogue with a period, or if she's being interrupted, with a hyphen (-). To clarify something, you ended a line of speech with a comma up above (p13), but that's grammatically correct because you've broken up a line of dialogue into two connected parts.
p26s1: “Are you afraid, that you might turn into her again?” There's no need for a comma here. Kill it, kill it with fire!
p30s1: "We...We are afraid," You need a period here, not a comma.
p31s1:"So you are afraid of what happened a thousand years ago,” Seeing as this is a complete statement and it doesn't tie into what Tia says next, there should be a period here. I'd recommend having three periods to achieve the effect you're going for ("So you are afraid of what happened a thousand years ago...").
p31s2: "she continued" Two things. A) Don't forget to capitalize the first word of every sentence ("She", not "she") B) You can't use "continued". You can say that she continued to speak, but continued on its own is not an adequate verb.
p31s5: "“The elements are no longer ours, and Twilight and her friends aren't able to banish you to the moon." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe I have spotted the rare and elusive run-on sentence! Quiet now, we don't want to scare it off! (Begins whispering), Oh isn't it magnificent?! What a stupendous creature! Take extra note of the way it uses "and" twice in the same sentence! Marvelous! While you are allowed to use "and" twice in the same sentence, you aren't allowed to use it the same way twice in the same sentence. If you'd like, I can explain more on how this works if you ask me, but for right now, work on fixing this error.
p36s2: "Now, we do not know how to live beside them, and we do not know how to be their benevolent ruler." Get rid of the comma after "Now".
p37s1: "Our subjects don’t hate you," Again with the commas! Remember, Celestia has just made a statement, so you should have either a period or an exclamation point here. If you want it to sound matter-of-factly, use a period. If you want it to sound dismissive, use three periods (...). If you want it to sound like a strong, emotional insistence, use an exclamation mark.
p41s1: "I will never let that happen," What ho? Is that a comma I see on the horizon?! Jollly good, Jolly good! My five-second search is finally over! You need a period here, not a comma.
p49s4: "Let me help you forget all about the moon, forget all about Nightmare,
your life will be so much easier afterwards, I promise!” This is your first major grammar error. Not bad for 2/3 of the way through the script! Basically, you've got yourself into a run-on sentence. You see where I threw Spike in there? That's where you should break the sentence into two different ones. Basically, just add a period after Nightmare and capitalize the next letter! Or, if you don't like that, you're welcome to rewrite this line.
p51s3: "Everything is my fault, you were punished for my selfishness." Instead of a comma, you need to use a semicolon (;) here.
p51s4: "I watched as you descended into the darkest corners of this world and turn into." Tense shift buddy. You can't go from past to present; keep it all past tense.
p54s1:“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” You need punctuation here, not a comma. If you want it to spoken in a sing-song tone, try either adding an exclamation mark, two periods then an exclamation mark (..!) or you can just put a period.
p56s1: "That will change with time," Period, not a comma
p60s1: "Practice makes perfect," Exclamation mark here or a period, not a comma.
p62s3: "We saw a meretricious grin on her face" The only definitions Meriam Webster came up with for this word are "of or relating to a prostitute/ prostitution" and "falsely attractive; pretentious". Somehow, I don't think that's what you're going for. Try again.
p67s2: "My face was hot, and I could not look her in the eyes." No need for the comma here- eliminate it.
p68s1: “Well then we can make it back in time for you to perform your duties,” A period or exclamation mark here, not a comma.
p74s2: "I will need you to help me learn the ways of this new world," Period or exclamation mark, not a comma.
p75s1: "I will always be by your side Luna," First, add a comma after the word "side". With very few exceptions, every time you write a name, you have to put a comma before it. Second, end this sentence with an exclamation mark or a period, not a comma.
p76s3: "Her eyes were fixed of the infrastructure and the industries, but mine were aimed higher, and mine saw the glistening disk hanging in the night sky." You usually can never say "mine" twice in the same sentence. You're going to have to alter this sentence. It should be a relatively quick fix; instead of "mine were aimed higher and mine saw..." say "mine were aimed higher at the glistening disk..." or "mine were aimed towards the glistening disk..."
p76s4: "For a thousand years it
washad been* my home, and despite being alone I had always felt content there."Flow Issues
What is flow, you ask? Flow is essentially how well your script flows to your readers; how pulled into the story your readers get. A script that flows well is easy for your readers to read, whereas a script with no flow is very difficult for your readers to follow. Flow is important because without flow, your readers will quickly become frustrated, or worse, bored because they don't get lost in the world you've created, and stop reading.
p20s1: "And I should have been a better sister when we were together!” To be honest Fetlock, I feel that the transition to this subject was too abrupt. One second they're talking about the moon, and the next, Tia is apologizing for not being a good sister. I understand why she feels that way, and I get where the guilt comes from, but the transition is a tad abrupt, and thus throws your readers off slightly. Ease into it a tiny bit more.
p35s1-2: "How will they get hurt? How were they hurt the first time?” To be honest Fetlock, these are silly questions. I think it's pretty obvious to all how Luna hurt the citizens of Equestria the first time. I'm not saying you should rewrite the script; I like Luna's response to these questions, but personally, I feel the questions themselves are entirely redundant. It's like me locking you in my basement for a week, and then a year later, you asking me "You hurt me? How?"
p43s2-3: "We looked up at her. Her eyes were sincere." Short, choppy sentences that don't give a lot of information usually* serve to slaughter flow. I say usually with an asterisk because that's not always the case. The main exception is when you're using dialogue to express emotionally intense scenes (i.e. "Oh, It. Is. ON!") There are a few others that I can't think of off the top of my head, but for right now, all you need to know is that what you've got now won't fly.
p44s2: "We asked through gritted teeth." Gritted teeth? Why gritted teeth?
The flow of emotions here is way too sudden and random. In the space of a line of harmless dialogue, Luna goes from self-pity/regret to gritting her teeth in anger/irritation. Either explain why she's gritting her teeth, or better yet, just delete this line. The reason why it's important you make this change is that the sudden, random shift in emotion throws off your readers.
p50s1-2: "We could not speak to her. Celestia sat with us in silence." These two sentences break the flow of the script. Why? Because they're short, choppy, and both tell you the same information. You can either combine these two into one, eliminate one of the two, or add more information to these sentences to enhance the flow of you script.
p54s1-2: "'Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it,' she sang to us." I mean no offence Fetlock, but Tia's moods are swinging really badly today. I know she just smiled, but she went from desperate to upbeat and chipper in five seconds flat. You gotta space out these mood swings or you're going to have your audience saying "
dafuq just happened?"
p53s1+p55s1-3: "Even if you did show us the outside, we will not know how to behave..." + "But we do not know how to be around other ponies,” we said. “We have grown accustomed to a life of solitude." What's the issue here? Redundancy. You've restated the same information twice. When you do that, your readers automatically become bored and uninterested. Either delete one of these sentences, or add more information.
p59s1-2: "'We could never say words as thoughtful as those...' Celestia laughed again." I would be pretty ticked off if I Celestia had laughed at me in that position. I know she's not laughing at Luna, but that's sure what it looks like. What does this mean? Celestia's mood does not match the scenario at all which throws your audience off badly. Worse yet, it makes the speech seem very unnatural (as though this would never happen outside of your script). Either have a series of events occur to explain why she's in such a good mood, or change this line.
p68s2-4: "she declared. Her voice seemed fragile. She seemed disappointed." Remember how I told you a bunch of short, choppy sentences kills flow? That rule is still in effect. Combine these sentences by either combining all of them into one, or just combining two of them and adding information to the third.
Clarity
Clarity refers to how clear your writing is. The world we create in our head when we write a script is often perfectly clear to us, and when we write it, it remains so; perfectly clear to us. However, that doesn't mean it's clear to your readers. In this section, I will discuss any lines where the writing is unclear.
p34s2: "We dug our face into our hooves as we left our sister’s wing." This line is all types of confusing. Why, you ask? Well let's see. In p21s3, you tell us that Luna is sitting on her bed. Now you're telling us that's she's escape from her sister's wing with her hooves in her face. The only way she could get out from Celestia's wing is by getting up and moving away, but how would she be able to do that if her hooves are occupied? Unless she Sweetie-scooted off the bed, there's no way she can do all of those things. Work on clarifying how she escaped from her sister's wing. By the way, you also forgot to clarify where Celestia is. Is she standing beside the bed with her wing draped over Luna, or is she sitting next to Luna? Questions that need to be answered.
Note that this doesn't really have to be a big, long-winded explanation; just add a line or two to clarify what's going on.
p49s3: "We cringed upon hearing that name." Why are is Luna cringing now? The name "Nightmare" has been mentioned three times thus far, and she never flinched then. Is she flinching because now Nightmare Moon's full name was spoken? If so, I'd recommend you delete this line because it makes no sense for her to flinch with the addition of the word "Moon", and if it makes no sense, it's bound to confuse your readers!
p50s3: "The lights were all off, just as we preferred, and although Celestia could not see the pain on our face, we could see how desperate she was." See, now this throws me off just a tiny bit. Remember that desperation is the sole province of those with no other options. Desperation is for those who are facing death, serious injury, financial bankruptcy, etc. In this context, it doesn't make sense for her to be desperate. However it does makes sense for her to be desperate to help. Make sense? Basically, explain what she's desperate about (i.e. desperate to help her sister).
p68s2-3: "she declared. Her voice seemed fragile." Declaring is a very powerful way of saying something. If you want to show you mean business about something, you declare it. You can't declare it with a fragile voice. It just don't make sense. Try again.
p70s1: "I felt a loving warmth embrace me and reach into my heart, pulling it out from my stomach." Well how does one reach into one's heart, and pull something from their stomach? Remember that they are two different, distinct regions of the body. The wording here is unclear, and honestly, sounds a bit gross. Maybe remove the bit about the stomach, or make it clearer that you're talking about the heart rising in her chest.
p70s3: "I felt something cold trickle down my back, and when Celestia spoke again, I could see that she was crying" You meant to say hear, not see. Unless I missed some major evolution of all mankind (which would suck), then most of us hear with our ears, not our eyes. Therefore you can't see that she was crying from the sound of her voice. Fix.
p76s3: "Her eyes were fixed of the infrastructure and the industries, but mine were aimed higher, and mine saw the glistening disk hanging in the night sky." ....What industries? What infrastructure? As far as I'm aware, there are no industrial sectors remotely near Canterlot, and the only infrastructure around (other than the buildings) is the railroad leading in and out of Canterlot.
p76s4: "For a thousand years it was my home, and despite being alone I always felt content." Say what now? Fetlock, in p48s1, Luna tells us that she'd been eagerly awaiting the day she could bring the night back upon the world. Now you're telling me that she'd been content that whole time?
I think not good sir, try again.
p76s5: "It is not something that I would volunteer for, but now, it is something that I think about often." What isn't something you would volunteer for? Lifting the moon? Being banished to it? Be more specific.
Suggestions
This section is where I will post suggestions to your story that are not necessary for the success of your script, but I still consider note-worthy. Keep in mind that none of what I'm suggesting is necessary for you to implement, as a lot of it is just a matter of my personal opinion. I put it here for you to consider, should you happen to share my viewpoint.
p2s1-2: "“Oh, hello Celestia,” We replied through our pants." At first, I was badly thrown off by this line. I thought it was odd that everyone in the group (remember that we is plural) responded simultaneously, and then I realized, 'Oh right, that's Canterlot Royal Speak'. You might want to consider making it clear that Luna is the one doing the narration. Maybe just insert a quick line saying 'Luna was sitting alone, out on the balcony, thinking to herself....', you know?
p3s3: "This isn’t how I remember you." The wording here is mildly awkward, and it also raises an unanswered question. While it is passable and grammatically correct, it just doesn't roll off the tongue the way it should. I would consider reorganizing the sentence slightly. For example: "I don't remember you ever being so quiet." or something to that effect. If you don't want to rewrite the script, you can always just answer the question you left unanswered. When you say "this isn't how I remember you", what do you think the readers are going to ask? "Well what was she like before?". It's implied that you mean she was loud or more friendly before, but it's not clear to the point where people won't get it without having to stop for a moment and think about it. When they do that, it hinders flow (slightly).
p4s1: "My sister approached us with her regal mane flowing behind her; the colours dim yet still more vibrant than our own. " This is likely the least important suggestion I'm going to make, but I still feel that you should be made aware of it!
I would simply suggest breaking this apart into two sentences. Again, not necessary, but I personally think it would flow better if you separated Celestia's approach from the description of her mane. But that's just me, consider it if you will.
p12s3:"We should not degrade ourselves by talking like fill-" Personally, I feel that "speaking" should be used in place of the word "talking". Why, you ask? Because I said so!
Being serious though, I feel that the word "talking" is a bit too informal for this line. Remember that the Canterlot Royal Speak is a highly formal, archaic form of speech. As such, the language should always be formal (but not the point where's it's excessive). When I read the line, the informality of "talking" seems to clash slightly with the rest of the line, but then again, that could just be me. 
If you don't like "speaking", but agree with what I'm saying, there are other words available; check the thesaurus!
p15s2: "However, despite me offering my help, you have never once accepted it.” Once again, the wording here is awkward. Personally, I feel that the speech here is unnatural. It could be the way you 'overspecify' who's being referred to ("However, despite me offering my help, you have never once accepted it.”). If you want to fix this, try rearrange the wording. For example, "However, you never let me help, no matter how many times I offer." Also, when I read this, I feel that there's a lot of emotion behind it (especially considering two lines above you tell us that her eyes are distraught). Instead of a period, consider putting an exclamation point to emphasize the emotion Tia feels.
p16s2: "Leaning over the banister, we saw the homely darkness, the luminescent glow of my responsibilities, and the extensive silence." Quick question, how are you using homely here? As far as I'm aware, the primary use for the word 'homely' is to describe something as "plain or unattractive in appearance." (Meriam Webster). It can also mean "being something familiar with which one is at home", but I'm unsure how familiar people are with the other definition. Perhaps it's just me. Check with some other people and see how they read this the first time, because when I went over it, I thought that at first you had called the night 'plain and unattractive'.
p19s4-5: "I am not a foal anymore. I should be more independent." Consider combining these two sentences into one. You can do so easily by simply replacing the period with a semicolon (;). When you have abrupt sentences together like this, it tends to hinder the flow of your story. The only reason it's not in the flow section above is because the hindrance of flow created by these sentences is minor to the point where it's nearly negligible. I thought I'd mention it nonetheless though.
p20s2: "Please, let me make up for my mistakes, let me help you with the moon tomorrow night!” Personally, I feel it would read more dramatically and emotionally if you broke this up into two sentences like so: "Please, let me make up for my mistakes! Let me help you with the moon tommorow night!" By breaking it up into two, you convey the emotion much more powerfully. Something for you to consider.
p21s3: "The smooth silk sheets were cold to the touch, but they warmed up soon enough." Ah the awkwardness, she returns with a vengeance! Sadly, the writing here comes out awkward. I believe the problem arises with the line 'they warmed up soon enough', due to a slight lack of detail. Instead of writing that, try saying "but they quickly warmed up underneath us." (because it explains why they warmed up).
p32s1: "'We are not afraid of that,' we corrected." See, the placement of "we corrected" is off, mainly because Luna hasn't actually corrected Tia yet. Either shift "we corrected" behind s2, or replace the word "corrected" with another verb that works.
p38s1: “We find it unbelievable that they would not hate the monster we were...” Personally, I feel that instead of three periods, you should just have one. It will still achieve the trailing off effect you're going for without sounding mopey.
p48s2: " We are the ones that are at fault, and we are the ones that should be more of a sister." Once more, the wording here is awkward. Instead of saying "more of a sister", try 'a better sister.'
p49s2: “Nightmare Moon wouldn't exist if it wasn't for my insensitive past self!” I'm afraid I can't let you do that Star Fox! The wording has once more entered the realm of awkwardness. Instead of "insensitive past self" try 'insensitivity'. The reason why the wording is awkward here is because you're restating the obvious and already mentioned; it's obvious you're referring to the past, no need to mention it again.
General suggestion: Throughout the dialogue between Luna and Celestia, you have Celestia refer to the citizens of Equestria as her subjects ("Our subjects don't hate you"; p37s1). There's nothing particularly wrong with doing so, as they are her subjects, but I feel that by having her constantly refer to the citizens of Equestria as subjects, it makes her seem more distant and aloof from her people. As we know, Celestia is anything but distant or aloof; she's very kind, loving, and down-to-earth, so this creates a slight contrast between characters. It's nothing major, but still worth noting.
The Critiqué
(I know it doesn't have an accented e. I just put it there for the lulz).
To be honest Fetlock, I've had some better reads in my time.
Your story was not particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either. It was like unflavored and unsweetened oatmeal; kind of bland, boring, and smooth.
At the start of story, you jump right into the drama, which is great, because there's nothing more annoying than a drawn-out opening. The problem is, the point that we jump in at is as dramatic as it gets! In any and every successful story, there has to be drama, and lots of it. I invite you to find a single example to prove me wrong. This doesn't necessarily have to be drama in the form of a fight between two characters; it can be an intense internal conflict, a physical battle between protagonist and antagonist, a metaphorical battle, a conflict between characters, etc. The problem is, your story has no drama. There's some slight internal conflict in Luna, and between Celestia and Luna, but you don't play up on it. You don't suck your audiences into Luna, and force us to empathize with her. Without the drama to pull us in, there's no reason to read. To be honest Fetlock, although there were few grammatical mistakes, I likely would have stopped a third of the way in, and found something else to read.
Also, there was the issue with the speech. About halfway in, the wording started to get awkward at places, and Tia's mood swings really confused me. Worse yet, a little past halfway, the speech stopped sounding natural, and sounded more forced than anything else (Your depiction of Celestia and Luna did not match up too well with the real thing). Never a good thing.
That's not to say that your story did not have a good foundation. You had almost no grammar mistakes towards the beginning, (although towards the end, it became evident that you were kinda rushing to get it over with, because there was a lot more to comment on in the second half), and the story flowed pretty well. However, these do not a good story make. Until you make the story about... 20% cooler (more dramatic), I'm going to have to give you only two spikes out of five.
1508442 Wow.
You have done something amazing. You wrote a review that didn't make me want to spend the whole day in a box. That my friend, is amazing.
Now then, back to the story. After an hour or so of reading through your points and editing my story, I managed to fix most of the issues that were pointed out. I've left out a few things, like the capitalisation of the words after speech, because they confused me slightly. I'm used to writing speech, and then when I put in the verb, I write something in the form:
"[Speech][comma]" someone + verb.
I was also used to not capitalising the letter of the word immediately after the speech. If this is wrong, then please let me know and I'll fix it.
The other thing that I was reluctant to change was the "we/I" transition a little over half way through the story. The original goal of this was to help Luna stop referring to herself as "we" and at the end of the story, she gets somewhat used to saying "I" instead. After writing my story, it gave me the impression that Luna was also starting to leave Nightmare behind, and that she was always saying "we" because there were to parts to her. I can see why this wouldn't work that well though, so if you think it doesn't go with the story, then I'll get rid of it.
Finally, although I can see you've poured a lot of time into this review, and I really appreciate your help, I'd like to ask you to skim over it again now that I've edited it. The parts that were changed are in red, and I tried to explain a few of the details that didn't seem to make sense. If you don't have the time for this then just tell me, because I understand that you are a very busy person. It's just that you were the one to write the original review, so you know what it was like and therefore you'd be able to compare it to how it is now.
I feel bad for asking you to do anything else after you've already done so much, but if you can, please read over it again and see if there's anything else that seems wrong to you. If you can't do that then can you suggest anything for the tag, description and title? It doesn't have to be the exact thing, just an idea of what it should say and what aspects of the story it should refer to. If you can't help me out with this either, then please let me know. You're not obligated to help me in any way, so don't think that you have to make time for this. If you can spare the time then great! If not then that's the end of that.
Thank you for the incredible amount of help, suggestions and pointing out where a lot of my mistakes were.
Excellent, I'm glad you came to me with these concerns and I'm also glad you enjoyed my review! I'm happy that you were able to take the critique in good stride. If you don't mind, I'd like you give me some feedback on my reviewing style.
Was it easy to understand? Direct? Did I nitpick too much? Was it relatively enjoyable to read? if you could answer these questions, as well as make me aware of other concerns you had with my script, I would greatly appreciate it! Also, if you'd like to thank me, do so by letting others know of my reviews! Also, I may ask you to do some pre-reading (don't worry, I don't expect a review 
) for a story I'm writing, but that's later. 
I'd be happy to run back over the story- I always do a second review after changes have been implemented to ensure that A) they were implemented correctly, and B) I didn't miss anything the first time. As long as you implemented most of the revisions I suggested, then it shouldn't take me nearly as long anywho!
Seeing as you have a few concerns, I will do my best to clarify them:
1) When I was discussing the We/I shift, I only meant on that particular line (p17s2). When you have Luna stop herself and say (p65s2) "We-- I asked her", it becomes obvious that she's changing the way she'll be referring to herself from then on, so you don't need to change anything there. I actually liked how Luna overcame herself and finally stopped speaking in Canterlot Royal Speak, so leave that be!
2) I know it's confusing to change habits; Luna couldn't manage it until 2.3 of the way down the script! The fact of the matter is though, that you must capitalize the end of every speech UNLESS it's been broken by something to indicate who's speaking (i.e. "I like that idea," stated Rarity "but I like mine even better.") Why? Think about it. These characters aren't just saying words; they're making statements. Punctuation does not take into account what comes after it, only what comes before.
Look at p64s1-3: "“The guards can take over for you,”
she suggested.“You can sleep, and then tomorrow we can go see Equestria. It’s changed since the last time we were together.”. If you were to remove sentence 2, (as I have done) then sentence one would be grammatically incorrect; you'd need a period/ exclamation mark there. And if you have a period or exclamation point, you must capitalize the letter that comes after it. Simple as that, with only the aforementioned exception. So everywhere I told you to put a period or exclamation mark, put one. Also, don't forget to capitalize every single letter that comes after a ?,!, or a period. In the 2nd review below, I won't include any sections where you didn't capitalize/ put proper punctuation; I'll leave that up to you to find and fix.2nd review:
I'm not going to break this one up into the above hierarchy because that's going to take too much time and effort, and I'm a lazy bum. Also, if I've colored the paragraph and sentence number, that means it's a suggestion (non-mandatory).
Before we get into the review though, I have a question. Why did you change most of the "we"('s) to "We-- I"? As I stated above, I only meant it for that particular line, the rest of the we's were fine! Please change it back, because it's going to greatly interrupt flow to have Luna constantly tripping over her speech and correcting herself.
One last thing you should know before we get into the review: I don't like ponies.
p1s1: "Is something bothering you Luna?” You need to add a comma before "Luna". With a few exceptions, you need to put a comma before stating someone's name. Also, it may just be me, but I still think it's a little unclear at first that Luna is the only one speaking. If you'd like, I can send the first 5 lines to a friend of mine, and he can tell us for sure whether it's unclear or not. (Remember, I've read this story like thrice now, and you've read it many times more, so we're both accustomed to the "we" being meant as singular). Make it clearer that Luna is by herself.
p2s2: "We replied through our pants". I don't know why I forgot to write this five different times in the last review (and once in this one), but what pants?! Ponies don't wear pants on a regular basis, especially Luna and Tia, And even if they did, how.why would one reply through their pants? If it's not already evident, I'm more confused than I usually am when somebody tells me that they like Romney's economic plan. (I'll get into why it confuses me later, if you are interested). I think you meant to use a different word here, so change this one please.
p9s1: "We do not resent you Celestia!" Add a comma before "Celestia"
p13s1: "It’s not degrading when I’m your sister," I'm not really sure how I missed this one the first time, but there needs to be a period or exclamation mark, not a comma. Don't forget to capitalize the next letter.
p13s2 (should be sentence 3
): "They were not as happy as they usually were -- they seemed distant, and distraught." Instead of the two hyphens, use a semicolon.
p13s3: "But it doesn’t seem like I am anymore..." Instead of having the three periods at the end, I think it may look better if you have the three periods before "But" and only one after "anymore".
p20s3: Before I tell you the suggestion, please bear in mind that although this suggestion is not mandatory, I still highly recommend implementing it. "The first time you raised the moon, I helped you, and the first time you did it on your own was a year after that!" Here the wording is unwieldy; by repeating the phrase "the first time", the wording becomes repetitive. Instead, try rewriting the portion of the sentence that comes after "and: like so: "The first time you raised the moon, I helped you, and it took you a full year to be able to life it on your own!*" or something similar to that.
p20s4-5: "There's no reason to rush
this. Take your time and recover." First, eliminate the word "this"; it's unnecessary. These two sentences are too short and choppy, and are inhibiting flow. Combine them into one (you can do this easily by replacing the period with a semicolon,p22s1: "Why is that a bad?" I think you forgot to add the word "thing" to the end of the sentence
p22s2: "I'm your sister, and my job is to help you whenever you need it." Blast! The wording has once more entered the realm of awkwardness! Quick, fetch the fire hose, Tesla coils and lube! In order to alleviate the awkwardness, try this instead: "I'm your sister; it's my job to help you when you need it*.
p22s3: "It was hard not to laugh." This line is poorly placed. Where it sits now, it implies that Luna found something humorous in Celestia's speech, which would make no sense. I know you mean to say that she's laughing in mockery/sarcastically, but that's not immediately evident, and thus kills flow.
p35s2: "We dug our face into our hooves after leaving our sister’s wing." Nice try, but no cigar, friend. Although it now makes sense, the wording here is still unclear. It's unclear because you state you dug your face into your hooves before you mention that you left your sister's wing. Reverse the order that these are mentioned, and if you can, include a bit more detail about how she left her sister's wing (Did she scoot over, stand up and move elsewhere on the bed, or did she leave the bed altogether?)
p36s1-2: "How will they get hurt? How were they hurt the first time?” I do believe I told you to alter these sentences, did I not? As I mentioned, these sentences are redundant to the point of foolishness.
p40s1: "“But you’re not a monster anymore are you?” Add a comma after the word "anymore"
p54s2: "She mumbled, stretching her grin" First, there's a tense shift from past to present (mumbled vs. stretching). Second, One does not simply "stretch" a grin. You used the wrong verb here bud, try another, or better yet, rewrite these three words (for example: "she mumbled, as a large grin grew across her face."
p62s3: "We saw a false grin on her face." Once again, I think you've chosen the wrong word here. The grin is genuine in this context; it's just not a grin of happiness, but rather one of mischief. Therefore, I believe that instead of "false", you should write "mischievous".
p(two before the last)s3: (sorry, I've lost track and I really don't feel like counting
): "Her eyes were fixed on the infrastructure, but mine were aimed towards the glistening disk hanging in the night sky." You know Boba Fettlock, it is unwise to anger a Silent Tortoise. 
No, but being serious, you can't use infrastructure here. I guess I didn't make that clear the first time, but infrastructure, according to Meriam Webster, is: "1) the underlying foundation or basic framework (as of a system or organization), 2) the permanent installations required for military purposes and 3) the system of public works of a country, state, or region; also : the resources (as personnel, buildings, or equipment) required for an (economic) activity" Although I suppose infrastructure does include the buildings of Canterlot, that's not what the image that this word brings to mind. Infrastructure makes people think of roads, power lines, railroads, power plants, etc. rather than the buildings these activities are centered around. It's recommend another word.
p(two before last)s5+6: "I kept thinking about the day I would return, and the everlasting night that would follow my return, but the silence was a gift." See, tense shifts don't only happen in the space of a sentence; they can happen over multiple sentences if you are talking about the same event/ experience. Here, you shifted from past tense in sentence four, to present in this sentence. Also, the words "my return" (the second time you say it) are redundant. Here's what is should be: "I had always thought* about the day I would return, and the everlasting night that would follow
my return, but the silence had been* a gift.The same is true of sentence 6; it should be past tense. "It gave me time to think, to question the validity of my choices, and even though Nightmare would not admit that we were in the wrong, I did." should be "It had given* me time to think, to question the validity of my choices, and even though Nightmare hadn't admitted that we were in the wrong, I did."
p(two b4 last)s7: "It is not something that I would volunteer for, it was unimaginably cold and the landscape was soporific, but now, it is something that I think about often." Grammar error here; you need either a semicolon after the words "volunteer for" or the word "as" after the comma.
And that concludes it! Congrats, you're done!
One note though, I noticed that you didn't include many of the suggestions I posted, especially regarding "awkwardness". As a result, I left most of the comments I had on awkwardness out of this review. If you'd like, I'd be happy to go over them separately.
Finally, I also have a few tips I can offer you on how to improve your writing in general, if you're interested.
1513432 Whew!
I've gone through the list and I think I've resolved most of the problems. Replaced "infrastructure" with "houses," got rid of a few of the "we -- I" stutters, etc.
However, I'm still a little confused about the capitalisation thing, mainly because I don't understand English that well. (sorry) It's also a bit strange because I think you might have contradicted yourself. In the first review, you told me to add a period on the end of, "we are afraid," and to capitalise the next letter, but in your explanation, you said that it isn't necessary to capitalise the word if it's telling you who was talking. I also looked up the punctuation of dialogue on Google and I arrived at this page, and I think it might go against what you're saying.
On another note, I did forget to fix the awkwardness you mentioned about the speech and mood swings near the end of the story. If you don't mind, could you please go over what they were so I can have a better idea of what to think bout? Oh an also, those tips on how to improve sound great! I would love to hear them.
Here's the feedback you asked for:
Was it easy to understand?
It was incredibly easy to read and it addressed every issue in the order they appeared. The systematic movement through the categories is perfectly logical and the insight into the problems themselves was astonishingly thorough.
How direct was it?
Enough to convey the problems found without wasting too many characters and suggest possible solutions. Also gentle enough not to hurt any feelings.
Nitpicking?
I don't think any of it was nitpicking, but rather attention to detail. It may seem like nitpicking because the proofreader is pointing out your mistakes and you don't think they're important, but then, why are you using a proofreader if you're not going to listen to them?
Enjoyable?
Very. Humour and informal comments spread throughout the entire review made it easier to laugh instead of sit their with a scowl as you scroll down.
Concerns?
Although not really a concern with your review, I think it's worth mentioning that at least in my opinion, it was really long. What I mean is that it was evident you put a lot of time and thought into it, as well as your own energy. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and when there are plenty of problems, it might even be necessary for the benefit of the author. However, it does make the author feel as if there's a lot of pressure on him, because you've just written an incredibly long and amazing review for them, and they're afraid of not improving enough to "repay" you.
On the other hand, I don't remember the reviews you did for the other fellow being this long, so it is more than likely that it is just my fault, but the point is still valid. You don't want them to feel like they have to improve dramatically in order to show you that they've learnt from their mistakes. Rather, you should be aiming to encourage them, to show them that writing is a great thing and that if they improve, then a lot of people benefit. Not really a very important point but a point all the same.
Further Comments
Silent Tortoise is more committed to helping you (a stranger) improve you're writing than I am to learning maths. That means a lot when it's coming from me. Silent Tortoise miraculously wrote the first review that I loved right off the bat, and he's willing to explain anything that you didn't understand straight away, which is just a sign that he's an amazing guy.
[END OF FEEDBACK]
Finally, I'd love to preread a story for you, but honestly, I'd recommend you try asking a few other people first seeing as how there were so many concerns with my story
If you still want me to preread for you though, I'll do it.
1513432 Also, please ask your friend to see whether or not he can recognise the Royal Speech straight away.
1515078
My friend, (the one who I did the other reviews for), just finished looking at the first five or six lines, and he thinks that it's perfectly clear that Luna's using RCV, so I guess it's just me. He was thrown off by the fact that she didn't respond in true RCV fashion; (Shouting her response in all caps)
Second, when I say pre-read, I don't mean proof-read. I just want someone to look at what I've written and give me a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down. (I've had a number of insecurities about my story, which are impeding my ability to write).
It's completely optional though Fetlock; remember that you don't owe me anything. I volunteered to do this, expecting to get nothing in return.
In response to your feedback, I'm glad you so greatly enjoyed my review style.
I'll make sure to continue writing my reviews this way then. Concerning the pressure my feedback puts on you, I ask all of the people I proof-read for if they are willing to put up with my reviews for a reason. We form an informal contract when I agree to write a review. The assumption is that I'll put my utmost into writing a review, and you'll do your utmost to improve the story. If you're not feeling a little pressure, then something's amiss 
. Also, the reviews I wrote for Antiivvan were WAY longer, so don't you worry yourself. I just wrote more for each of your problems, seeing as most of them were not simple quick-fixes.
In regards to the awkwardness of your lines, I believe in the first review I covered most of the areas where the wording was awkward, so check there first for all of the areas you can improve. After you've done that, I'll do a quick read-through and identify any other areas that exist.
Tips on how to improve, in order of importance/occurrence:
Ok, I guess I was completely wrong. 
My bad.
1) Work on the awkwardness of your writing. This is the hardest to improve, and I can't really offer any advice on how to do so. The best I can offer is focus on direct, clear speech, not convoluted/roundabout ways of speaking.
2) You, like I, have a problem with adding commas where they're not needed. You don't do it too often, but every now and then you add a comma where it's not needed. Be careful when adding a comma!
3)
Don't forget to add periods to the end of your speeches, and to capitalize the next letter.4) You have the tendency to shift from one emotion to the next very abruptly, which serves to hinder flow. Remember that all interactions, although they may be very rapid, still need time to take effect; one cannot simply go from ecstatic happiness to depression in the space of two or three lines.
Anywho, I'm glad I could help you improve! 'Twas my pleasure.
1516090 Thank you for the advice! I'm going to take a two day break from this fic and then read it again to see if I can find any parts that don't work, and then I'll go over the awkwardness again! (I do this for my stories because then it gives me a "clean slate" and allows me to form a new opinion of the story, as if I'm the reader.)
Also, it's a bit worrying that I typed preread, but I still thought it was proofread... Anyway, I'd be happy to look over your story for you!
Thanks again for all your help! You may or may not (but you probably will) get a notification saying that I replied to your comment again, and that'll be because I need your help again. If you never receive this notification though, then that means I think everything might have been cleared up and the story is in a presentable state! Again, you probably will get that message though, so please be prepared.
1516117
I have to admit, Celestia was rather selfish when it came to Luna being banished... She was just shedding crocodile tears when Luna came back
Regarding the story? I cried. It's adorable. And, IMHO, a good read.
Regarding 1597485 : Bad robot. Go away. You are not wanted here.
Silent Tortoise concentrated on your workshop and did an excellent job with that. This is currently very good. But let me write about the actual story.
I'm a sucker for "reunion between the sisters" stories, but this one didn't really touch me. It was okay, and you get a thumb up for a read pleasant enough... but the conflict gives us so much more room to create stories that are really sending our hearts aflutter, and force tears out of our eyes... Grammar, flow, pacing - this is all correct, the workshop side of the story is well polished, but it isn't a very good story.
I noticed you took a very behavioristic approach to storytelling. "said", "moved", "smiled". Expressions, not impressions. This is a valid way of writing a story and used correctly can lead to leaving impression vastly deeper than plain impressive writing, but it takes a master writer to apply it correctly for proper effect. As sheer size of Silent Tortoise's comments shows, you are no master writer, so you might want to choose to dive into feelings, reminiscences and introspections more. Create scenes of imagination and memory, that display given feelings in detail.
Let me give you an example:
This is the second-most important piece of the story (after resolution), arguably the most important. It's the core presentation of the conflict. And it's spartan. It's written entirely correctly from technical standpoint, and it conveys all the information we need, but it does a very half-assed job of conveying the feelings. It informs about the feelings, it doesn't elicit them. This piece should be shocking, sending shivers down my spine, and it's merely mildly disturbing. It runs at a natural pace of conversation but this pace and behavioristic approach would work only with proper build-up and introduction of this, taking a chapter or so of deep retrospection. Now since you can't take a chapter of deep retrospection with sole purpose to allow the casual, idle pacing of text without lessening the impact, you should sacrifice the pacing and behaviorism, stop. Give Luna a deep, long introspection. Show, not tell. Memories from before the banishment. Celestia shunning, ignoring Luna. Imagery of jealousy growing. Celestia driving a nail into Luna's heart with an idle, insensitive remark. This all building up to Luna's questions.
And then there's that "I-I don't know," she stuttered, taking a step back. That is the cheapest, weakest excuse for what would be a reaction to a heart-shattering blow. This is the point where you truly need to come up with viable, believable, and of course invalid though understandable explanation. "I don't know" doesn't nearly cut it. "A thousand years and you still didn't find the reason of your failure? Then how can you be so sure it won't repeat just the same in a month? How can I trust you if you don't know yourself well enough to trust yourself?"
With a response like that, Luna would have removed Celestia from her room, and kept her out at least until Celestia comes up with a viable answer. And since Celestia is smart, and knows it, she would not say "I don't know." She would fall silent and not utter a word until she has an answer for which her sister can forgive, or at least grant a benefit of doubt.
This is the kind of stuff your story is lacking to be an excellent story. The kind of depth you must develop. Can you?
I never asked this question before but, Why does Luna Always Refer to herself as Us, Or We ??
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Majestic_plural
Although I doubt one would refer to self in majestic plural in thoughts and reminiscences:
1508442 1509646 That is the longest, most-careful critique I've ever seen in a fimfiction comment box. Congratulations! I want to correct you on one point.
That's wrong. It's one of my pet peeves in fan-fiction. I can't cite a style manual page, but just check any published book of fiction. The author wrote that sentence correctly:
The reason is that the thing after the quotes is not a complete sentence. You wouldn't write,
It isn't any better to write
"Admitted" takes an object. The object is the thing in quotes. It is therefore a necessary part of the sentence, so the sentence begins with the quote, not with the word after the quote, even if the quote contains punctuation at its end.
(Also, regarding "we": Referring to oneself as "we" is complicated. It isn't inconsistent to say "we" in speech and "I" in narrative. The royal "we" is used only when addressing specific people in specific situations. If the narration itself is not one of those situations, then you expect the narrator to revert to "I" in the narration. Also, Fetlock, no royal would speak to her co-ruler in private and use the royal "we" to refer to herself separately from the other.)
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I strongly agree with the Random Blank here. Although I usually prefer to avoid telling people how to write their story, I would recommend following Blank's advice. As I mentioned above in my critique, your story was quite bland, as there was no intense captivating drama, and no strong emotional appeal. Without those things, Fetlock, you won't captivate most readers and they will grow bored with your work. I'm not saying that your work has to be a soap opera, but you need to give your readers a reason to keep reading.
If you'd like, I can refer you to several stories with strong(ish) emotional appeal, so that you can get a sense of how to suck your writers into the story. I can also give you a few pointers myself on how to toy with your reader's heartstrings, although I am no expert writer.
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I appreciate the advice Bad Horse, as I am always looking to become a better reviewer. However, up above, Fetlock already corrected me, and I admitted my error.
You might want to save the site Fetlock posted, (here's the link again), for future reference, that way you can cite it when making an argument!
Wow... I have to say I am impressed with how this story was torn down via review like NASCAR mechanics rebuilding a racecar for the next race. And done in such a way as to be 100% helpful, with no malice what-so-ever.
While I myself would feel overwhelmed (as in too much to digest in one sitting) by the amount of excellent tutalage offered, it is refreshing to see fellow writers willing to give this kind of effort.
It was good story. not the most entertaining, but it touched my heart.
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If I recall, this story wasn't meant to be entertaining so much as it was supposed to be slight emotive.
In hindsight that was a terrible idea.
1981101 It wasn't an bad story. I prefer stories to be entertaining, but it was still good. Made me feel good to see Celestia and Luna making up.
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I've been meaning to fix it up as per the suggestion of the gentlemen higher up in the comments, but I haven't been able to gather up the motivation...
Maybe someday...
1981145 To me, it is good. It isn't the best it could be, but it is good. I wouldn't worry to much.
I reviewed your story tonight you can find it here
Parabéns pela a história adorei até chorei quando eu tava lendo 😭😄