All Because I Love You follows a young mare named Frosting who meets Autumn Glimmer a model who works for Rarity in the Carousel Boutique and falls deeply in love, too deeply to see that Autumn is slowly deteriorating.
Comedy, tragedy, and food ensues in this tiny piece of simple romance.
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Right in the feels.......
RIGHT IN THE FEELS!
Hmm. Well, I must say, this seems to be shaping up to be a very cute, very sweet love story--between two OCs who are well-rounded, believable characters! A rare gem. So far, I like Frosting and her approach to love. And it's always nice to find someone else with a female OC.
And, honestly, that ending scene? It made me squee.
But I do have a few suggestions. Mostly grammatical, a few to do with storytelling. Let's tackle the grammatical first:
A run-on sentence. It's something that plagues the best of us; I have trouble with breaking up sentences, as well. Luckily, it's easily fixed.
See the difference? Just a few simple changes, but it reads much clearer. Now, onto the next item on the agenda.
This one's even simpler to fix. See:
It simply looks more professional. Alright, next.
This is an example of a run-on sentence that works. With a few small changes, it's a very nice bit of prose:
And now onto the storytelling elements.
There's nothing wrong with that! In fact, I really, really like the fact that Frosting has a job at Sugarcube Corner. Her talent is something believable and useful--she's a cook. I adore that. But how did she get that job? In fact, how did Autumn get her job as a model? Instead of jumping hooves-first into the story with no real background, it might be a good idea to explain a little. Frosting and Autumn are the respective proteges of Pinkie and Rarity...but how did that happen? Next!
This monologue...it made me feel warm and fuzzy. Superb romance writing, right there. But...this all happened a little fast, don't you think? I'm okay with Frosting's love at first sight, but for Autumn to feel the same way immediately just seems a bit forced. Maybe Frosting could court her a little? Stutter in her presence? Dream about her or write her secret love letters? Just stretch it out a little, and it will do wonders for how real your romance feels.
And...I think that's it! Please, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm simply trying to help you turn a good story into a great story. I love this so far--the characterization of Frosting and Autumn, and the way that the main characters are in character! And female first person, of course. So rare on this site. But I'll be watching this story--definitely. :)
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Of course! Quite happy to help. I am definitely looking forward to future chapters.
I'm deeply confused. Why are there more dislikes than likes when everyone seems to enjoy this story?
Scribblestick here, attempting to answer your puzzling questions!
So first off, good for you for seeking out advice and help. I do that all the time, and it does wonders for my writing. The fact that you asked me makes me feel pretty cool, too.
So your question was, why does this story have more dislikes than likes when the comments are generally positive? Well, I'll first point out that the numbers as of now are 2 up and 3 down, which isn't a huge deal, at least in my opinion. My story "Twilight Rides a Snowboard" got 3 thumbs down just after publication because some kid with three accounts hated snowboards (fortunately, another user and I convinced him to chill out, hence no more thumbs down), so I suppose it's possible this got thumbed down for that. I mean, you have a mare-mare relationship, and there are people in this word who will downthumb just because of that.
If it's not that, and since whoever it was didn't leave any comment explaining why, this sort of becomes a game of guess-what-they're-thinking. Since I'm not at all familiar with shipping fics, that's kind of a challenge for me, since I don't know in general what people like and don't like. However, I'll give it my best shot.
First, the obvious. Grammar? While yours isn't perfect, it's not horrendous enough for me to justify a downthumb. OCxMane 6? Nope, you've avoided that one. Rushed romance? Well, perhaps a little, but not too bad, in my opinion. Overall, I don't see anything obvious, so let's look at the details. Maybe they'll somehow add up to those three downthumbs.
First up is Autumn's confession. If I had any bits to bet on what's getting you those downthumbs, I'd put them on this. As I mentioned above, I thought their romance seemed a bit rushed. They've only just met each other, but suddenly they're in love. Is this meant to be a crush? It doesn't seem like it. Romance takes a while to develop and bloom, and considering these two mares have known each other for less than 24 hours, it's a bit of a stretch to say they're in love.
Also, Autumn's confession is pretty heart-felt and straightforward, and less than a minute later, she's freaking out about how she can't fall in love with a filly. If she has this internal conflict (and that's definitely a good one to have from a storytelling perspective), why would she admit her 'forbidden' love in the first place? It just doesn't add up. Frosting has obviously accepted her same-sex attraction, but Autumn hasn't, so it seems weird that she would share her feelings, especially is such a heart-felt and straightforward way.
While I'm here, I'll look at some of the details, too.
Okay, this is a minor concern. Frosting is Pinkie's assistant and apparently a friend of Rarity's, which raises a red flag of Mary Sue-ness (if you don't know what that is, I have a blog all about it). Since these relationships don't intrude too much on the actual story, and since her relationship with Pinkie is explained, I don't see it as a huge problem, but it is something you should be aware of.
Homosexuality isn't a belief, it's a sexual orientation. Fluttershy's belief in God would be a belief. Same-sex attraction is more of a fact. So this statement seems a bit off.
Who's this?
All right, I already addressed my main concern with this one. One question, though. How old are they supposed to be? "Filly" suggests they're the same age as the CMC, but they both have jobs, and Autumn was apparently a famous model. Wouldn't "mare" be more appropriate?
Why is Sweetie Belle's window left open?
You do explain this later, but it's really confusing at first why Autumn is staying with Rarity. Also, how does Frosting know where she lives, and why isn't she surprised that she lives in the boutique?
This seemed very out-of-character for Pinkie Pie. Maybe having to run the bakery has made her more responsible and changed her character a bit, but so far, she's acted like regular old Pinkie Pie.
Actually, why is she running the bakery again? You mentioned that Mrs. Cake died, but what happened to Mr. Cake and the twins?
What does that mean?
So, ultimately, I don't have a definitive answer as to why your dislikes outnumber your likes. The story certainly isn't terrible or terribly-written, your characters seem believable for the most part, and I don't see you breaking any of the cardinal rules of writing. Like I said, I'd put my money on rushed romance if I wasn't broke, but there may be something else I'm missing just because I'm unfamiliar with the genre. If you'd like more advice, I'd recommend finding someone who knows the romance genre better than I. In the meantime, I hope this helps. Happy writing!
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
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thanks so much for your insight. This is my first shipping fic so i'm a little new to the genre. For a bit of info on "Buck" it's a drug that i made up its effects are similar to cocaine. But still thanks so much its really a pleasure to have someone tell you what needs patching.
may the frosting be with you, always.
Ohh, Autumn!
Why will you not just accept the wonderful pony in front of you?!
Seriously though. This chapter? I loved it. Frosting and Autumn's background stories, the slightly-changed universe (Photo Finish has been disgraced [to me, it's no surprise she took drugs], Pinkie Pie runs the bakery, everyone's a little older), the increasingly-tangled ins and outs of the two main characters' romance. I'm hoping for some background on the other characters, too--the rest of the mane six (for example, who is this Green Hooves that Fluttershy is hanging out with), a few of the more prominent background ponies, and the CMC. But if you choose not to expand, that's okay, too. For now, I only have eyes for Frosting and Autumn.
But I do have a reason for the thumb-downs.
For many of our kind, if a story bears an image from the pony creator (no matter how original the characters in it are), they will automatically assume that it is bad. This is a senseless stereotype that needs to be remedied within the fandom, but it can be easily fixed.
I'm very close friends with a talented pony artist named Lasthero13. You should contact her, and tell her that Luna'sCaptain sent you. I can guarantee that she will draw whatever you think would make a good cover image, in whatever style you want. (In fact, she recently asked me to mention her to authors looking for covers/OC portraits.
) If you don't have a dA account, I can give you her e-mail. We've worked together in the past and she's a lovely girl.
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PLEASE send me her email. and that is probably the case with the thumbs down. third chapter on its way!
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Alright, will do! And can't wait for the third chapter! :)
The suspense! It's killing me!
But I love the characterization of Sweetie Belle. And the plot twist--oh, god, what's wrong with Autumn?! Will Frosting be able to save her? How will Ms. Glimmer react when she sees that her secret admirer, he of the cooking talent, is actually a she?
More. I must have more.
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I do what I must for the good of the fandom. you guys are awesome.
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It's you and LunasCaptain but I know there are others... somewhere.
ALSO! if the fandom wants me to, I will write a sequel
, or I'll write something else.
My dear, simply beautiful. I can't wait for the next chapter.
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Me either, there are only two chapters left the way I'm writing it.
And the maybe a sequel
Surprise fudderrucker
First off there are confusing parts in your story but so far I like it and I hope to see more
P.S thanks to scribblestick's page I saw your comment and decided to check it out
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Well, nobody's perfect. But thanks for the read
Go, all of you will either hate me or love me for this chapter.
Clearly something is up with that cover picture. Looks like Autumn has Twilight's cutie mark? Also, I feel like you might want to throw a little more stuff in to indicate that Frosting is a her. I was bit confused initially as to whether it was he or she. In retrospect, Pinkie does mention that 'she' is a filly, but other than that it's confusingly gender neutral.
As a side comment, you could have truncated the beginning of this from:
to
You don't really need to explicitly mention that you said something like this since it's sort of an offhand remark to yourself that isn't part of a conversation. The character is talking to herself. You could follow that up with something this:
Also,
Still feels funky, but I can't quite pinpoint the cause of the feeling.
I feel bad for the stallions, it seems like all the mares in this fandom like other mares...
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Thanks for reading, and thanks for the favorite too.