All Because I Love You

by frostingthecake

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

She pulled away, “No, no this isn’t right! I’m not supposed to fall in love with a mare. I’m supposed to be in love with the stallion of my dreams!”

“Hawhat?” I squeaked.

“Hey Girls! Come back inside! Were starting a game of pin the tail on the pony!” called Scootaloo.

“ I’m sorry if my emotions took over for a bit darling, my standards aren’t that low.” Her tail flicked the end of my muzzle when she turned and trotted off. Why did I want her more now that she kiss-rejected me? It was because I was stubborn.

“It’s cool guys! I’m going home.” I called back.

As I flew back home I couldn’t get her out of my head. Her perfect smile, her shiny coat, the way her speech was lit by a distinct Trottingham accent. I needed sleep, and this stupid fantasy that Autumn and I would ever be together would vanish.

“But then again, reviewing the situation she said, ‘I’m supposed to,” not “I want to.’ So she does like me!” I looped in mid flight and landed on my porch.

That night I had a dream about when Mrs. Cake passed away and Pinkie Pie was hiring. I had been a blank flank at the time and I was desperate, so I begged for her to hire me. Even though I might have been a total disaster she hired me anyway. I baked up a storm that day; and Pinkie Pie was watching me with that huge grin of hers plastered on her face the whole time. By the time closing rolled around she had asked me to become her personal assistant and protégé in Sugarcube Corner. I happily agreed. It wasn’t until that night when I got home and looked at myself in a full-length mirror I saw my cutie mark, a green frosted cupcake. But when I cooked dinner for my parents it sealed the deal, I was a chef and my place was in the kitchen. Next, my dream was intruded by Autumn. An extremely fantasized dream about how this day should have ended.

After we kissed our eyes met, and so again did our lips. Over and over we kissed until my world was immersed in the deep amber of her eyes, and the warmth of our embrace. We were on top and nothing would change that until- beep beep beep.

My hoof hit the alarm clock. 5:00 am, time for my morning flight. This time before I left I prepared pancakes and orange juice and a note for Autumn. It read:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

This breakfast was prepared just for you.

With love, your admirer.

It was so corny, but it had to be done. I flew over the boutique and slid silently into an open window. It was Sweetie Belle’s room. She was singing in her sleep. I snuck quietly out of her room and peeked into the adjacent doorway. Bingo, Autumn’s room. I slid the breakfast tray onto her nightstand and stared at the gorgeous mare sleeping in the bed. Damn, she was even prettier while she slept. I leaned over and gently kissed the tip of her horn and whispered, “I love you Autumn Glimmer.” And I exited the building as silently as I came in.

Pinkie pie stood near the door as usual when I came in. She looked at me suspiciously.

“Why were you late?” she asked nonchalantly when we were setting out apple fritters.

“I was uh, visiting a friend.” I said as I dolloped whipped cream onto the fritters.

“Don’t lie to me Frosting. If you lied to me and I found out? Everypony would be in for a world of trouble.” I didn’t want to piss off either my boss, or my friend so I confessed.

“I snuck into The Carousel Boutique really early so I could deliver a present to Autumn because I love her and I want her to love me back!”

“Oh-hoho, a love present. I understand.”

“How could you possibly understand? You’ve never mentioned anypony special.”

“Nope, but I have been in love before.” A grin was manifesting itself on Pinkie’s muzzle.

“With who? When?” I asked as Pinkie Pie flipped the sign on the door from closed to open.

“I’ll tell you when you’ve gotten your issues straightened out.” She said with a sneaky grin.

The first customer of the day wandered inside and I was baking like my life depended on it. Every second I dreamed I was making beautiful things for Autumn and she loved them, and she love me. Speak of the Nightmare, Autumn trotted inside with Rarity. They were both outfitted in dazzling dresses encrusted in gemstones. Rarity in amethyst and Autumn in Topaz and Citrine. I flitted lightly over to their table and asked, “Hello ladies. What would you like to-” My heart stopped when Autumn looked directly at me with those gorgeous amber eyes, “to- to eat?” I said regaining my composure.

“We’d like some tea please.” Rarity said kindly. Autumn nodded her agreement. As I walked to the kitchen I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their conversation.

“-Left me a delicious breakfast and a cute poem.”

“Sounds like somepony has a secret admirer.”

“I wonder who he is?”

“Well we’ll have to find out, and when we get back to the boutique-.” Awesome, she didn’t suspect a thing.

“Here are your teas ladies. Would you like anything else?”

“No thank you.” And after that, they drank their tea, paid and left.

At closing time I asked Pinkie Pie, “How is Autumn Rarity’s model anyway?”

“Well, back when Everypony didn’t know that Photo Finish took Buck she was a very famous fasionista traveling all over Equestria looking for the next top model. One day in Trottingham while sipping coffee in a café she saw Autumn sitting in a corner by herself. She saw the potential and beauty that the young filly possessed and offered her the chance of a lifetime. Autumn gladly accepted the offer and became an overnight sensation until one day before a performance in a drugged rage Photo Finish beat Autumn. But she escaped and moved to Ponyville so she wouldn’t be hurt again.” Pinkie pulled out some magazines from five years ago from the rack, and on the cover was Autumn Glimmer advertising a new spring line. “Out of a job and homeless she knocked on the nearest door; which happened to be the boutique and asked for a place to stay. Rarity recognizing talent let her in and offered her a job. And they’ve been working together ever since.” My mouth gaped open, Autumn was beaten? I had no idea.

“Well good night Frosting! See you tomorrow!” and I flew off into the warm summer evening wondering if I should know my crush a little bit better before I went fantasizing.

That night I dreamed about her again, but this time it was a quiet picnic. Just Autumn, Luna's stars,and me.

Comments

[frostingthecake]

I'm deeply confused. Why are there more dislikes than likes when everyone seems to enjoy this story?

[Scribblestick]

Scribblestick here, attempting to answer your puzzling questions!

So first off, good for you for seeking out advice and help. I do that all the time, and it does wonders for my writing. The fact that you asked me makes me feel pretty cool, too.

So your question was, why does this story have more dislikes than likes when the comments are generally positive? Well, I'll first point out that the numbers as of now are 2 up and 3 down, which isn't a huge deal, at least in my opinion. My story "Twilight Rides a Snowboard" got 3 thumbs down just after publication because some kid with three accounts hated snowboards (fortunately, another user and I convinced him to chill out, hence no more thumbs down), so I suppose it's possible this got thumbed down for that. I mean, you have a mare-mare relationship, and there are people in this word who will downthumb just because of that.

If it's not that, and since whoever it was didn't leave any comment explaining why, this sort of becomes a game of guess-what-they're-thinking. Since I'm not at all familiar with shipping fics, that's kind of a challenge for me, since I don't know in general what people like and don't like. However, I'll give it my best shot.

First, the obvious. Grammar? While yours isn't perfect, it's not horrendous enough for me to justify a downthumb. OCxMane 6? Nope, you've avoided that one. Rushed romance? Well, perhaps a little, but not too bad, in my opinion. Overall, I don't see anything obvious, so let's look at the details. Maybe they'll somehow add up to those three downthumbs.

First up is Autumn's confession. If I had any bits to bet on what's getting you those downthumbs, I'd put them on this. As I mentioned above, I thought their romance seemed a bit rushed. They've only just met each other, but suddenly they're in love. Is this meant to be a crush? It doesn't seem like it. Romance takes a while to develop and bloom, and considering these two mares have known each other for less than 24 hours, it's a bit of a stretch to say they're in love.

Also, Autumn's confession is pretty heart-felt and straightforward, and less than a minute later, she's freaking out about how she can't fall in love with a filly. If she has this internal conflict (and that's definitely a good one to have from a storytelling perspective), why would she admit her 'forbidden' love in the first place? It just doesn't add up. Frosting has obviously accepted her same-sex attraction, but Autumn hasn't, so it seems weird that she would share her feelings, especially is such a heart-felt and straightforward way.

While I'm here, I'll look at some of the details, too.

No use of formality amongst friends

Okay, this is a minor concern. Frosting is Pinkie's assistant and apparently a friend of Rarity's, which raises a red flag of Mary Sue-ness (if you don't know what that is, I have a blog all about it). Since these relationships don't intrude too much on the actual story, and since her relationship with Pinkie is explained, I don't see it as a huge problem, but it is something you should be aware of.

I don’t mind because I’m not one to judge a pony by what she believes

Homosexuality isn't a belief, it's a sexual orientation. Fluttershy's belief in God would be a belief. Same-sex attraction is more of a fact. So this statement seems a bit off.

Green Hooves

Who's this?

No, no this isn’t right! I’m not supposed to fall in love with a filly.

All right, I already addressed my main concern with this one. One question, though. How old are they supposed to be? "Filly" suggests they're the same age as the CMC, but they both have jobs, and Autumn was apparently a famous model. Wouldn't "mare" be more appropriate?

I flew over the boutique and slid silently into an open window

Why is Sweetie Belle's window left open?

Bingo, Autumn’s room

You do explain this later, but it's really confusing at first why Autumn is staying with Rarity. Also, how does Frosting know where she lives, and why isn't she surprised that she lives in the boutique?

Don’t lie to me Frosting. If you lied to me and I found out? Everypony would be in for a world of trouble.

This seemed very out-of-character for Pinkie Pie. Maybe having to run the bakery has made her more responsible and changed her character a bit, but so far, she's acted like regular old Pinkie Pie.

Actually, why is she running the bakery again? You mentioned that Mrs. Cake died, but what happened to Mr. Cake and the twins?

Photo Finish took Buck

What does that mean?

So, ultimately, I don't have a definitive answer as to why your dislikes outnumber your likes. The story certainly isn't terrible or terribly-written, your characters seem believable for the most part, and I don't see you breaking any of the cardinal rules of writing. Like I said, I'd put my money on rushed romance if I wasn't broke, but there may be something else I'm missing just because I'm unfamiliar with the genre. If you'd like more advice, I'd recommend finding someone who knows the romance genre better than I. In the meantime, I hope this helps. Happy writing!

~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer

[frostingthecake]

1406379
thanks so much for your insight. This is my first shipping fic so i'm a little new to the genre. For a bit of info on "Buck" it's a drug that i made up its effects are similar to cocaine. But still thanks so much its really a pleasure to have someone tell you what needs patching.

may the frosting be with you, always.

[LunasCaptain]

Ohh, Autumn! Why will you not just accept the wonderful pony in front of you?!

Seriously though. This chapter? I loved it. Frosting and Autumn's background stories, the slightly-changed universe (Photo Finish has been disgraced [to me, it's no surprise she took drugs], Pinkie Pie runs the bakery, everyone's a little older), the increasingly-tangled ins and outs of the two main characters' romance. I'm hoping for some background on the other characters, too--the rest of the mane six (for example, who is this Green Hooves that Fluttershy is hanging out with), a few of the more prominent background ponies, and the CMC. But if you choose not to expand, that's okay, too. For now, I only have eyes for Frosting and Autumn.

But I do have a reason for the thumb-downs.

For many of our kind, if a story bears an image from the pony creator (no matter how original the characters in it are), they will automatically assume that it is bad. This is a senseless stereotype that needs to be remedied within the fandom, but it can be easily fixed.

I'm very close friends with a talented pony artist named Lasthero13. You should contact her, and tell her that Luna'sCaptain sent you. I can guarantee that she will draw whatever you think would make a good cover image, in whatever style you want. (In fact, she recently asked me to mention her to authors looking for covers/OC portraits. ) If you don't have a dA account, I can give you her e-mail. We've worked together in the past and she's a lovely girl.

[frostingthecake]

1408796
PLEASE send me her email. and that is probably the case with the thumbs down. third chapter on its way!

[LunasCaptain]

1408937
Alright, will do! And can't wait for the third chapter! :)