All Because I Love You
How do you tell somepony you love them? Do you kiss them on the cheek, or hug them close at night? I loved somepony once. Her name was Autumn Glimmer and she was the most beautiful creature in the world. But then again she was a model for the Carousel Boutique-- and Rarity made sure that she was as radiant as the sun every single day. My name is Frosting, and I’m a chef. Pinkie Pie’s assistant no less, and this is the story of how I was in love with Autumn.
The day I first saw her I was walking home from my job at Sugarcube Corner and there, right outside the boutique were Autumn and Rarity sitting on a blanket in the grass. They were just talking, but I didn’t listen I could only look at the beautiful mare that in the sunset looked alive with flame. Dear. Sweet. Luna. She was looking at me; she had stopped talking to Rarity and was looking straight at me.
“Darling? Is there something we can help you with?” she called. Yes, I want you; to come home with me and let me make you dinner. But I couldn’t say that! I barely even knew her!
“Umm, no I’m just enjoying the umm, sunset. My wings clamped to my sides again nervously.
“Well, we were too. Come over here and sit with us.” I had already started trotting over. When I sat down the first thing Rarity said was, “Are you Frosting?”
“Umm… Yes?”
“So you work with Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube corner! She’s a good friend of mine, Pinkie Pie.”
“Well, I was thinking about starting a restaurant in town but I haven’t gotten enough bits to get it off of the ground yet. I only work at Sugarcube Corner part-time.”
“Well frosting, I wish you the best of luck opening your restaurant.”
“Thank you Miss Rarity.”
“No, no just call me Rarity. No use of formality amongst friends.” I smiled.
“So, you’re a baker?” asked Autumn. Oh Celestia, even her voice was beautiful.
“Oh no, I’m a chef. I specialize in all culinary arts, not just baking. Umm, so what do you do?”
“Well, I’m a model of course!” she giggled, “Why else would I be at the boutique?” by now the sun had set completely and the moon was rising in the east. “My name is Autumn Glimmer by the way, and it has been a pleasure meeting you.”
My heart was still buzzing when I got home. She was so beautiful I couldn’t stand it! I wanted her badly, but I didn’t even know if she liked me!
“But another day another bit,” I said as I tossed my days worth into a jar that I kept my restaurant’s funding in. 300 more and I would have enough to buy it. I popped a can of ParaSprite and gulped it down. The soda gave me a jerk awake so I could cook dinner. Delicious, delicious pasta with tomato sauce and spinach balls dashed with a bit of oregano spice. Damn, it was good. Good like Autumn and her perfect Gold-and-orange mane. Good like her and I sitting on a blanket snuggling. Just the thought of us snuggling together made my wings unfurl and start to ache. I had fallen in love.
On my morning flight, I passed the boutique almost five times and every time I saw Autumn and Rarity sipping tea preparing for a day of modeling and design.
At sugarcube Corner Pinkie Pie bounced right in front me and said, “Good morning Frosting! Are you ready to bake some cupcakes?!”
“Yeah.” I said dreamily thinking about what my life would be like if Autumn and I were together.
“Looks like the love bug bit this filly good! So,” she said leaning against the warming oven. “Spill. Who’s the lucky stallion?” Umm, awkward my mentor didn’t even know that I preferred mares to stallions yet. But she had to sometime.
“Well, uh, Pinkie my barn door doesn’t really swing that direction.” Pinkie looked surprised but not appalled that I was sly.
But soon her smile returned, “Well then who’s the lucky mare?”
“Her name is Autumn Glimmer and- wait you aren’t bothered by the fact that I like fillies?”
“I don’t mind because I’m not one to judge a pony by what she believes, Fluttershy is a druid and believes in a god- but she’s still my friend!” she paused “Isn’t Autumn Rarities model?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, best of luck Frosting! Now, let’s make some cupcakes!”
“Pinkie Darling!” called Rarity as she pushed open the door to the bakery with her magic. Pinkie and I walked out of the kitchen, and the oven beeped. “Oh! Can you take care of Rarity and Autumn while I get the pastries out of the oven?” So I stood there awkwardly looking at Autumn who was exploring the bakery with her eyes until they met mine. Then they got all sexy and she smiled. “Nice to see you again Frosting.”
“Uh, what would you to like to munch today ladies?” Just then Pinkie pie brought the tray of cupcakes out and put them on the counter. “Didn’t I tell you? I am hosting a party today! It’s for all of my friends and their assistants!”
“No you didn’t.” I mumbled.
The party was pretty fun, Twilight and Spike were there, and so were Applejack and Applebloom, Rainbowdash and Scootaloo, Fluttershy and Green Hooves, and of course, Rarity and Autumn. We danced, and ate, and talked until Autumn prodded me with her hoof and asked if we could go outside- alone.
“Frosting, I wanted to talk to you. After yesterday I couldn’t stop thinking about you and the way the moonlight shined off of your coat and how your wings were poised for flight before you left. My heart skips when I think about you. I think I love you and I didn’t know how to tell you.” A tear slid down her cheek.
“You know what?”
“What?”
“I love you too.” I closed the space between us and kissed Autumn, my beautiful Autumn.
Right in the feels.......
RIGHT IN THE FEELS!
Hmm. Well, I must say, this seems to be shaping up to be a very cute, very sweet love story--between two OCs who are well-rounded, believable characters! A rare gem. So far, I like Frosting and her approach to love. And it's always nice to find someone else with a female OC.
And, honestly, that ending scene? It made me squee.
But I do have a few suggestions. Mostly grammatical, a few to do with storytelling. Let's tackle the grammatical first:
A run-on sentence. It's something that plagues the best of us; I have trouble with breaking up sentences, as well. Luckily, it's easily fixed.
See the difference? Just a few simple changes, but it reads much clearer. Now, onto the next item on the agenda.
This one's even simpler to fix. See:
It simply looks more professional. Alright, next.
This is an example of a run-on sentence that works. With a few small changes, it's a very nice bit of prose:
And now onto the storytelling elements.
There's nothing wrong with that! In fact, I really, really like the fact that Frosting has a job at Sugarcube Corner. Her talent is something believable and useful--she's a cook. I adore that. But how did she get that job? In fact, how did Autumn get her job as a model? Instead of jumping hooves-first into the story with no real background, it might be a good idea to explain a little. Frosting and Autumn are the respective proteges of Pinkie and Rarity...but how did that happen? Next!
This monologue...it made me feel warm and fuzzy. Superb romance writing, right there. But...this all happened a little fast, don't you think? I'm okay with Frosting's love at first sight, but for Autumn to feel the same way immediately just seems a bit forced. Maybe Frosting could court her a little? Stutter in her presence? Dream about her or write her secret love letters? Just stretch it out a little, and it will do wonders for how real your romance feels.
And...I think that's it! Please, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm simply trying to help you turn a good story into a great story. I love this so far--the characterization of Frosting and Autumn, and the way that the main characters are in character! And female first person, of course. So rare on this site. But I'll be watching this story--definitely. :)
OH MY SWEET CELESTIA! This is so great! I didn't know how anyone was going to react to this. thanks for the friendly reminders on the grammar, mine isn't exactly the best. Oh and by the way, the romance will be played up, played up good in the next chapter. 1401807
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Of course! Quite happy to help. I am definitely looking forward to future chapters.
Clearly something is up with that cover picture. Looks like Autumn has Twilight's cutie mark? Also, I feel like you might want to throw a little more stuff in to indicate that Frosting is a her. I was bit confused initially as to whether it was he or she. In retrospect, Pinkie does mention that 'she' is a filly, but other than that it's confusingly gender neutral.
As a side comment, you could have truncated the beginning of this from:
to
You don't really need to explicitly mention that you said something like this since it's sort of an offhand remark to yourself that isn't part of a conversation. The character is talking to herself. You could follow that up with something this:
Also,
Still feels funky, but I can't quite pinpoint the cause of the feeling.
I feel bad for the stallions, it seems like all the mares in this fandom like other mares...