Getting It Off Their Chests

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Wolfeh05

Wolfeh05 #1 · January 22nd · · ·

Ohh boy, this was...something. I'll try my best to comment on this without sounding rude, because this isn't really my intention.Ok so:
1-the grammar is really bad. A lot of the times, periods are missing, commas are not used correctly and some words are misspelled(coarse instead of course, for example)
2-there is too much repetition. Don't get me wrong, repetition can have it's place in a story when it's used to convey something, but here it's used to repeat the same idea over and over, as if you just wanted to fill the space.
3-I will not really criticize the subject matter, but it's execution. Unfortunately, it's too rushed, both from Twilight and Rarity's side. You could've made the story more impactful by describing what Twilight felt and how she looked like, for example:"Twilight slowly trotted towards Rarity's home. She was weak, her hide was pale and her mane was thinner."
Also, this:

"If you die Twilight I want to be honest with you before you do..."

I'm sorry but this...this felt so disrespectful and out lf place. Not to mention that it somewhat came out of nowhere since all we heard at that point was "I will not die" and "you will not die".

Overall, this honestly felt more like a trollfic than a fic thay wants to be taken seriously

TheEvilCookie