Cozy Glow, Part Three
“So. How’s it… going?”
Twilight sat on the rooftop of the Castle of Friendship, in a tacky lounge chair which matched Starlight’s own. It was a beautiful day; when Twilight had suggested the pair take a few hours (which, knowing the schedule of both alicorns, was unlikely to mean more than thirty minutes, but it was the thought that counted) to relax in the sun, Starlight had been unable to bring herself to argue.
Unfortunately, given what she’d spent the past week doing, it took very little time for the relaxation to become a pretense for… Well, the only topic of discussion there could possibly be.
“It’s…” Starlight began. She shifted in her chair, using a quick spell to adjust the tint of her sunglasses. How was it going?
For the past eight days, she’d done very little but talk to Cozy Glow—the ache in her throat could attest to that. True to her word, she’d answered nearly every question the filly had posed to her. Her past, her present, her thoughts, her feelings, what she understood of her motives, and everything in between. It was, she thought, a little like her journey to the past to speak with herself—only this time, she was talking a pony with the potential to destroy… all of… Equestria…
Hmm. Well, maybe it was a lot like that.
Either way, there were elements of the relationship, if it could be called such a thing, which she was happy with. Cozy was an excellent listener when she wished to be, and, try as she might, she couldn’t hide how eager she was to absorb every drop of information Starlight could provide her. And, unlike with her past self, Starlight didn’t need to leave out any of the less pleasant details.
In return, Cozy had begun to talk herself. She wasn’t nearly so revealing; even after more than a week, Starlight didn’t know where she’d grown up. But she talked, and she didn’t entirely affect every minute detail of her speech and facial expressions, and she occasionally went entire minutes without cheerily-delivered death threats, so, as far as Starlight was concerned, it was a victory.
Unfortunately, she was acutely aware that it was a partial one. As shakily amicable a relationship she’d managed to establish with the marechiavelian filly, and as stable as she could foresee that relationship eventually becoming, the fact remained that Cozy now knew more about Starlight’s past, present, feelings, and motives (what of her own motives Starlight could even deduce, anyway) than anypony else in Equestria, including Sunburst and Trixie, while Starlight in turn had learned…
Well, it wasn’t as if she’d learned nothing. Cozy detested tea, for one. Great. You’re practically ready to hoof her a diploma. She slept eerily stilly. She had immaculate mouthwriting. She had a frightening sadistic streak, and frequently asked Starlight to recount her more fraught experiences over and over again—or maybe that was just another way to make her uncomfortable—with a grin that looked wildly dissonant alongside descriptions of screaming ponies and hazardous magical experiments. She had a sweet tooth to rival Pinkie’s. Her sense of humor was either affected or indecipherably inconsistent. And she had a severe caffeine addiction.
But in terms of things that could guide Starlight towards actually helping her? Nothing.
Something about her approach wasn’t working; wasn’t enough. She’d known it wouldn’t be enough, of course—this was just a start—but she was increasingly convinced it was a false start. And now, if she was right, she had placed herself in an incredibly vulnerable position in exchange for very little. She hated to think about her student in such utilitarian terms, but it was difficult not to when she knew that Cozy herself was doubtless doing the same at that very moment.
She needed a new plan—a real plan, not a stopgap measure to foster communication. She had communication. That wasn’t enough. So what would be?
Right. She hadn’t answered the question at hoof.
“...Going,” she finished lamely.
Twilight grimaced. “Is it really that bad?”
“No! It’s…” Starlight caught herself preparing to embark on another lengthy and introspective monologue, and, with some effort, stopped herself. “It’s okay. Not great. But okay.” She stared at the fountain on the roof—made permanent by a few alterations to her initial water transportation spell. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy this past week.”
“Starlight!” Twilight said reproachfully. “You’re busy for a good reason! And and important one.” She sighed. “Busy doing my job for me.”
“Twilight!” said Starlight, in exactly the same tone of disagreement. She flopped onto her other side in the beach chair to face her old teacher. “You shouldn’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true.”
Perhaps Starlight would’ve been bothered by Twilight’s self-deprecation, in another world. Fortunately, in this one, she was the far worse culprit, and was in the furthest position from judgment. “Look,” she argued. “You still do… you know, friendship stuff, all the time. And a lot of that is what I do too! Are you doing my job for me when the Map calls you?”
“Well… no.” Twilight had the familiar ‘I feel guilty but I’m not making a good enough case for it’ frown on. “It’s just… It should’ve been my job. Er, not that you don’t deserve it or won’t do a good job, obviously! But Cozy was my student, and my responsibility, and you shouldn’t have had to show me what the right thing to do was, and how I was letting my personal biases cloud my judgment. With Celestia and Luna, or with our friends.” She waved a hoof limply. “I feel like… I know Empathy and Friendship overlap, but sometimes it feels like you’d be better at my job than I am.”
Starlight winced. “Yeah… Don’t give me too much credit there.”
Twilight sat up on her haunches, confused. “Why not? You were the only one who stood up for Cozy the day after we stopped her. You prevented us from making what might’ve been a huge mistake! And you were absolutely right to point out that we weren’t in a position to—”
“That’s… kind of what I meant,” said Starlight. “I don’t think I’m any less biased than you were.” Twilight tilted her head curiously, so she continued. “I was Cozy’s counselor at the school. I wasn’t responsible for teaching her how to be a good friend, but I was responsible for her well-being, and… based off some of the things she’s said, especially while she had me trapped, I don’t think I did a very good job.”
Understanding dawned on Twilight’s face. “You want to make up for your mistakes?”
“Yes,” Starlight confirmed. “I know it’s not exactly what everyone else is concerned about right now, and, well, maybe I shouldn’t be either, but I can’t help but feel like she’s as much of a victim here as we are. And… I guess I want a second chance. Almost as much as I want to give her one.”
It was the first time she’d admitted it aloud. She’d expected it to feel awkward—like every time she expressed her own feelings to a pony with a substantial right to disagree—but, instead, she felt… assured. As if she was doing the right thing, for once. It was a novel sensation.
And suddenly, she had a realization. She knew what she was missing with Cozy Glow.
Twilight had her mouth open, and was presumably about to deliver some endearingly wise and erudite speech about how biases that compel ponies to act on behalf of others were an inescapable part of being alive (or else she was yawning), but Starlight couldn’t wait to voice her revelation. “I think I’ve got it.”
Twilight blinked mid-speech-and/or-yawn. “Huh?”
“I don’t need to teach her,” Starlight muttered, half to herself. “That’s not the problem. She knows everything already. Starlight, you dunce.”
“What?”
“She’s not like me, or my past self, or Tempest or Chrysalis or anycreature else. I was looking at it too much like—”
“I can’t help but feel slightly left out here!” Twilight said very loudly.
Starlight blinked. “Right. Sorry. But I figured out what I’ve been doing wrong.”
“It… sounded to me like you’ve been doing the best you—”
“No, listen!” Starlight teleported to her feet, too impatient to take the time to stand up. There was pacing to be done. Twilight would understand. “What was the problem I had when you brought me back from Cloudsdale?”
Twilight assumed the posture of a dutiful student and thought about the question. It was part of their thinking process. “Trauma?”
“Well, yeah, but why did you need to teach me?”
“Because…” Twilight began, before her eyes widened in understanding. “You didn’t understand how to make friends again after so long.”
“Or basic ethics,” Starlight muttered. “But yes! Bingo!”
“‘Bingo’?”
“I didn’t understand friendship. Neither did Sunset, or Tempest, or Discord, or anycreature, really! Maybe Chrysalis, but she had a whole different way of life in her old hive, so she still had to adjust.”
She levitated herself over the fountain which had the gall to get in her way and immediately resumed pacing. “But Cozy’s different. She understands friendship better than most adults; she passed all of your classes with full marks. Faust, she helped write some of them! She knows exactly how non-evil ponies behave, and chooses not to do that. So I can’t be her teacher. Not like you were with me.”
Twilight nodded, wings ruffling thoughtfully. “You’re right. She doesn’t need information, she needs…” She frowned. “...I have no idea. How would you—”
But Starlight’s epiphany had had the foresight to include this too. “I can’t teach her, because she knows everything, which means that not knowing about friendship isn’t why she’s… Well, you know, which means that something else is the reason she needs to be in control all the time.” Starlight spun on her hooves as she reached the edge of the castle roof without missing a beat. “And the reason she thinks of everypony else like chess pieces, and isn’t comfortable being herself, and thinks other ponies are stupid for not taking advantage of every social interaction to manipulate others, and everything! She can’t stand not being in charge, not for a second, because she’s used to relying entirely on herself, I don’t know why, maybe somepony took advantage of her in the past or maybe she’s just been alone for too long, but whatever it is it means that if she’s ever going to get better she needs to have somepony else to depend on, actually depend on, and since there aren’t any other ponies who know about this and because honestly it was my job in the first place that pony has to be me!” She stopped pacing, mildly out of breath. “I can’t be her teacher. I need to be her counselor, or her guardian, or her… something. I need to be there for her. That’s the only way she’s going to be able to change.” She saw Twilight staring at her. “What?”
Twilight glanced downward. Starlight’s eyes followed. She was standing in the fountain.
Ah. She teleported back onto the rooftop proper and blow-dried her legs with a quick spell. “Oops. I got caught up in the moment. But do you see what I mean? I mean, I’m right, aren’t I?” She looked eagerly at Twilight.
Her former mentor’s brows were knit tightly enough to make an unusually waterproof cardigan. “I… think you just might be.”
Starlight let out a relieved breath.
“I’m not sure,” continued Twilight quickly. “And… To be entirely honest, this seems like it’ll put you at even more risk than where you already are.”
“I know,” Starlight said. “I promise I do, but I really think—”
“But,” interrupted Twilight with a smile, “I think you should do what you feel is right. As much as it means to me that you want my approval—and you have it, now and always—Cozy is in your care, not mine, and you’re as much a Princess as I am. And, more than that, you’re my friend. I trust you.”
Starlight blushed, and felt the usual lump in her throat that came at affirmations like that no matter how many times Twilight repeated them. She was aware of the irony; she couldn’t help but find Twilight’s reverence of the alicorn sisters foalish (if endearingly so), but she hung off Twilight’s every word as if she ruled the world, nevermind Equestria. “...Thanks. I’ll believe it when you say that, one of these days.”
“You already do, or you wouldn’t have stood up to us last week,” said Twilight. “You just forget sometimes. Not that I can blame you. I mean, you’ve met me.”
“I guess you’re right,” Starlight admitted. The urge to pace having been temporarily satiated, she sat back in the lounge chair. “Anyway… I really do think this is it.”
“That Cozy needs… a safe space?” Twilight said. To her credit, none of her skepticism showed on her face. Or perhaps, as unlikely as it was, she didn’t feel any in the first place.
“Yeah, but… more than that.” Starlight thought back to her trip to the past. It had been a harrowing experience for a number of reasons (though she didn’t regret it for an instant), but high on the list had been seeing, with her own, present eyes, exactly how alone her younger self was. It was worth it, in the end, but… it had brought out a protective instinct Starlight had barely known she had. And with Cozy, she didn’t have the comfort of knowing that it would all work out in the end. “She’s a filly. I mean, she’s a lot, but in the end… She’s ten, did you know that?” It was a rhetorical question, but Twilight shook her head anyway. “I did a quick scan a few days ago when she lied about being sick, and can more or less tell her age from her bone health. She’s ten years old.”
“Celestia…” Twilight muttered, mirroring Starlight’s own feelings on the matter.
“Exactly. We can’t… I can’t treat her like an adult.” Starlight swallowed. “I just can’t, for one—no matter how hard I try—but even if I could, it’d be… wrong. She’s a genius, and she’s had to grow up more quickly than anypony ever should, but… Think about what it’d be like to be doing the kind of things she’s done at her age. It took me longer than it should’ve; I was too focused on why she was doing them. But I’ve thought about it now. She’s been living on her own. She didn’t have a single creature she could talk to face-to-face without lying until a week ago. She didn’t—still doesn’t—have anycreature but a thousand-year-old pony-hating centaur who supports the things she’s trying to devote her life to.” Starlight felt ridiculous, and even guilty, for thinking about it that way; a significant part of her mind insisted that to think of Cozy so sympathetically was to ignore the critical context of exactly what she’d done. Fortunately, an even more significant part knew better—and, from her expression, so did Twilight.
“I need… I want better than that for her,” Starlight continued softly. “She deserves somepony who cares about her, no matter what she does. Everypony deserves that. And maybe then… she won’t have to think the way she does anymore.”
“And you think you can be that pony?” asked Twilight. There wasn’t a hint of judgment in the question.
Starlight spread her wings. “Well, Harmony, or whoever, gave me these for a reason. I think I can try.”
Barely an hour later, Starlight knocked on Cozy Glow’s door.
“You’re late!” rang a muffled, irritated voice.
She was; she’d needed at least a few minutes to marinate on her epiphany before jumping into things. She was rash, but she wasn’t that rash. At least, not today.
Carrying a plate of croissants in her aura, she opened the door and entered. Cozy was in her usual position at the desk, and glared at her as she entered. “You said we could talk about your spellcrafting today! Where have you been?”
Starlight set the croissants on the desk. “I’m sorry, Cozy. I had… some thinking to do.”
She’d hoped, foolishly, that her earlier resolution would suddenly reveal a clear and obvious path forward. Unfortunately, it turned out that vagueness, whether it was correct or not, remained vague, and she would need significantly more time if she was going to decide what it actually meant for her to be Cozy’s… whatever she needed.
But she at least had somewhere to start. So, rather than taking her typical seat in the armchair in the corner, she stood by the desk.
Cozy narrowed her eyes. “What are you doing?” she asked suspiciously.
Starlight swallowed nervously. The amount of emotion Cozy could put into her eyes was enough to overcome the logical knowledge that she had absolutely no power in the present situation. But, on that note… “I’m sorry,” Starlight said.
Cozy blinked, and turned fully away from her desk. “What?”
It was a sincere apology—but also a sympathetic one, an understanding one, and, Starlight hoped, a reconciliatory one. She knew, though, that explaining any of that to Cozy would do nothing right now but provoke more irritation, so she plunged onward. “What do you want to do today?”
Cozy floated into the air like a bumblebee and alit on her bed, suspicion intensifying. “I told you already. I want to talk about how you create your spells. There are almost no books on original spellcraft, and just because I’m a pegasus doesn’t mean I can’t learn about—”
“No, I mean… In general. Out of anything,” Starlight said. She pointed a wing to the door.
The door which remained open.
“You’re my student,” continued Starlight, as Cozy’s eyes widened even beyond their usual enormous size. “You’re going to be living with us, at least for now, and I’m not going to keep you in here. You can go anywhere in the castle you like.”
Ideally, she could do better. If Cozy was going to feel comfortable, being confined in one building, even a bizarrely larger-on-the-inside building like the Castle of Friendship, wouldn’t be much better than a single room. Unfortunately, thanks to the excited stories of their foals who attended the School of Friendship, almost every creature in town would recognize Cozy on sight. And while Starlight had briefly considered offering her a disguise spell… even she could admit that Cozy might not be ready for that.
After a long, long pause, Cozy’s face suddenly smoothed over, as if she’d all at once regained control of her face—to most ponies, it would’ve looked like she’d calmed down, but Starlight knew the opposite was true. That was Cozy’s ‘You are getting no more information out of me’ smile. “Aaaaand?” she asked.
Starlight shifted uncomfortably. She’d fallen into a habit of communicating with the filly in as factual a manner as possible—sure, she talked about her own emotions, but only in an analytical sense, and Cozy’s certainly never entered into it. It had allowed her the luxury of forgetting exactly how distrustful Cozy was of anypony other than herself, and a pang struck her heart at the reminder. This is why I have to do this. “And what? I promise I’m not trying to trick you.”
“I know that. You can’t lie for beans anymore,” Cozy said cheerily. “And what’s the catch? You’re not going to let me wander around the castle myself. You’re not that stupid. So, what spells do you have this time? What do you get out of this?”
Starlight blinked. “Actually, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” She stepped back to the doorway and poked a wing through it. “There’s no catch. You can leave right now if you want.”
Cozy’s eyes narrowed nigh-imperceptibly. “I don’t believe you.”
Once again, Starlight was struck by the resemblance to her younger self. The colors of their coats were even similar. “Why would I be lying about this?”
“Oh, it doesn't really matter if you're lying.” Cozy’s smile looked as though she were holding the expression at gunpoint. “But the more freedom you give me, the less time until you stop pretending. No thanks. I’ll stay here.”
“...Pretending?”
The smile broke. “You can’t be this ignorant.”
Starlight grinned weakly. “Try me.”
Cozy took off from the bed, wings buzzing with an irritation that matched her face, and hovered barely a foot from Starlight’s face. “You. Can. Do. Whatever. You. Want.” Starlight had enough experience with the filly by now not to jump back or teleport away—she was physically harmless, after all—but it was a close matter. “You can make me do whatever you want. You can send me back in time. You can read my mind. You could make me walk off a cliff with my wings tied and I’d never stop smiling.” She landed, glaring, on the floor. Her head barely reached above Starlight’s legs. “You act like you can’t, but I’m not going to forget, so you can stop wasting your effort.”
Starlight’s train of thought screeched to a halt. She could… Of course she could, she could always do that, but that didn’t mean… Had Cozy been thinking about this the whole week?
Of course she had. Buck.
“Is that why you’ve been going along with our deal?” Starlight asked gently.
Uncertainty flickered across Cozy’s face. “You know it was.”
No. I should’ve. But I didn’t. “I promise I didn’t.” Hesitantly, Starlight walked back into the room; Cozy didn’t protest. “Do you think I’d mind control you?”
“Of course not,” scoffed Cozy. “You’re a pathetic sap who ignores her own strategic instincts. But you might. Or you might borrow your pen pal’s magic rock and read my thoughts. And I’m not going to risk the only thing I have left on might. You gave me a deal. My only move is to play along. In real life, you win. Every single time. So I’ll keep the game, thank you very much.”
For the hundredth time, Starlight wondered in disturbed awe at what a life Cozy must have lived, to think as she did.
How did she break through that?
How did she show a filly that she shouldn’t have to be in control all the time?
And, more immediately… “Cozy, I would never, ever influence your mind. I promise.” For the briefest of instants, she hesitated—that was an enormous promise to make—but she swiftly found that she meant every word. “Is there any way I can show you I’m not lying?”
“Of course not.” Cozy huffed, looking down. “Why in Equestria would I trust you? I’m not your friend. And you sure don’t trust me. Nopony with a brain would.”
“Trust isn’t…” Starlight ran through possible responses like Twilight sorting her color-coded flash cards. She could argue that trust was a strategic decision—a risk accepted in exchange for happiness—but the consequentialist mindset that would lead to Cozy’s agreement was the problem in the first place. She could say that trust was illogical but necessary, but that wouldn’t appeal to her at all. She could say that trust was normal, but what about Cozy was normal?
There was nothing. Not right now. Someday, she would earn Cozy Glow’s trust—she swore it on everything she held dear.
But, for now, she would be patient. “Okay. I understand.”
Cozy sighed with the exasperated relief of one who had won an argument by attrition alone.
“But, you have to admit…” Starlight wheedled. “If you don’t trust me, and there really is no reason for me to play along… You don’t lose anything by telling me what you want to do today, or by leaving this room. Like you said, if I wanted to… mind control you”—she winced at the mere sound of the words—“I could. Our deal wouldn’t prevent that. If you don’t think the patterns of my behavior are enough to stop me, the rules of our agreement wouldn’t be either.”
Cozy frowned, and opened her mouth to argue. Apparently finding herself unable, she closed it again. The process repeated several times.
Finally, she appeared to deflate, and mumbled, “I wanna play chess.”
Starlight narrowly resisted the urge to jump up and down elatedly.
“In the library.” Cozy refused to make eye contact. “And I don’t wanna see Twilight. I don’t want to see you, but I need somepony to play with if you’re not gonna let me write to Tirek. You’re white. Come on.”
For the briefest of instants, Cozy’s leg paused as she stepped over the threshold of her room.
Then, she and her customary glare set off to the library, a grinning Starlight in her wake.
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Intrigued to know what ideas you came up with before deciding on the one you ultimately used.
Whatever the case, I totally agree with the path you chose and how you are presenting it.
But this leads me to think that, when you return to Cozy, it will be necessary for you to present Cozy's backstory to us. You mentioned that you will be "mentally be using" the one provided by RainbowDoubleDash's - Cozy Glow: FIENDship is Magic. Does this still stand?
AND Finally:
Alicorns
11823426
Yes, that does stand, but I have no intention of explaining Cozy's backstory outside very basic elements. Perhaps I'll be proven wrong, but I don't think it'll be necessary for me to tell the story I want to tell. The important part is that she's spent a very long time (relative to her life) being unable to trust anypony, and she needs to overcome those issues and how she's lived as a result of them, not the specifics of what placed her in that position in the first place.
As for other ideas, what varied was mostly the manner in which Cozy confronted Starlight over her mind control powers. The first scene also didn't exist, and was exposited through the second scene. I'm not exactly thrilled with how the chapter came out in the end, but it's better than the previous iterations.
As usual, you are correct in noting my stupid typos...
Stilly?
11823457
Yes.
11823460
I would still replace it with "still" (yes, that's an adverb) or "motionlessly". I've never seen "stilly" used, ever.
11824693
Well, now you have.
11823438
So take it from a longtime fimfic author and self-published writer, I think that the chapter was really good actually. It was very deep, showed Starlight's process and actually had a good thematic link to the previous chapter.
I won't say whether your gut on whether to present or not present Cozy Glow's past is good or bad, but I can see advantages and disadvantages to both routes. My only thoughts/opinions if you're interested in them is that you should listen to your gut but then reflect. Don't be discouraged that you had to write and rewrite, that is in my humble opinion, the craft of writing. Especially with this medium can always change your decision without regret if you so feel and I believe that as of what I've seen and enjoyed so far, you are capable of making fantastic writing choices.
Thanks for the update, I cannot wait for the next chapter
11825393
This is an incredibly kind comment. Thank you so much 💚
To be entirely honest, while I enjoy the emotionally meaningful and thematically coherent chapters like Self-Care, I write this story first and foremost for the character interactions—the themes end up there if it’s convenient. If a conversation occurs where Cozy would divulge more information, she’ll do so; it’ll depend what she wants and what situation she ends up in (which, quite frankly, is barely my decision).
I’m actually working on a side story to this fic right now; a short one about Chrysalis’s first day after reforming in chapter one. It’s a lot of fun so far.
Thank you again!
11825396
You're welcome. Characters are bloody fun aren't they? They take you for a ride so often and then you have no idea where you got to XD
A few chapters ago, more specifically in a “A Fireside Talk”, I mentioned that I adored Starlightʼs high esteem of her teacher. And now, we have this:
“You want my approval, and you have it, now and always.” Twilight has complete faith in Starlight. As highly as Starlight thinks of her her teacher, Twilight also holds Starlight in the highest of regard.
Itʼs so lovely, so heartwarming. My heart is going to burst from how sweet this is.
11826692
I’m glad you’re enjoying it! I really love these two together; their relationship is too stable to focus on that much, but I always like writing a completely supportive friendship. They seem to behave more or less like this around each other in season nine, and probably even more so in this universe, where Starlight’s accomplishments have yielded more… tangible feedback from the universe.
11826945
Twilight and Starlight do make a wonderful duo. It especially stands out in this universe, where the rest of Starlightʼs relationships have their ups and downs.
Also, Iʼd argue that Starlightʼs accomplishments have had tangible results in canon, too. I mean, Twilight did choose her as her successor for her school. The meaning of that cannot be understated.
11827037
Oh, absolutely! I was just making a joke about her ascension.
In fairness, Starlight has several perfectly stable relationships---Maud, Sunburst, and Thorax come to mind. It's just that those aren't as fun to write about as Trixie dragging Starlight to the human world or Chrysalis having talk therapy performed on her against her will.
Quite a story you have here. Thanks, and patiently waiting for more : )