Applejack is living happily with her siblings, parents, and grandmother in Ponyville. She has good friends, Rarity and Pinkie. But tragedy eventually comes for everypony. A previously unknown monster destroys the delicate peace in Applejack's life, leaving her broken and scarred. But, surely, there isn't anything else to be done.
Written for The Whodunnit? Youdunnit! Contest, hosted by the wonderful RB_, which ends the night of October 24th (EST). Write a story yourself! Speedwrite if you have to! (Or don't; goodness knows I couldn't.) Check out the other submissions as they are posted! Also, be sure to check out RB_'s Detective Rarity series if you haven't, which is a wonderful series of fun whodunnits. I had a lot of fun reading them as they came out. (Well, the latest one, I wasn't here for the first few.)
Content warning: Death, depictions of grief, brief depictions of characters worried about early-onset Schizophrenia in Chapter 1.
Hello there! Lovely work so far. My guess going into the final chapter is Spear Point. I figure it has to be someone in the government for them to have arranged it so there were no rain clouds on the day of the fire, and the fact that the Apples would have gotten a rebate for the apples eaten by the bats if not for those specific trees being burned seems like a motive, and for that to work the perp would need to know about the rebate, and since none of the farmers knew it would have to be someone in the government. Spear Point is the only pony we've met so far that comes close to fitting that bill, so assuming you have set this up in such a way that we've met the culprit already, I think he's our man. I don't think the killing of AJ's parents is intentional; he has no motive for that. I don't know what the motive would be for wanting the Apples to not have their rebate, though, so I may be wrong.
That's my current thinking. Looking forward to seeing what the final chapter brings!
Well, this was the first entry I've reviewed, and I've gotta say: I'm impressed! You did a really good job here. It's a darned shame it didn't get more attention. You did a good job including the prompt, and I liked that you managed to fit an exploration of Applejack's grief into a whodunnit! I was also a big fan of how you wrote Pinkie in this fic, though I wish she could have done a bit more.
My main points of criticism are these:
I feel this is very unpolished. This is probably a result of you being somewhat inexperienced of a writer, so this is to be expected! Try to work more on your prose and on setting scenes. Read published books and pay close attention to how they are written. You can also improve this by asking for prereaders!
The argument between AJ and Big Mac at the end of chapter three felt a bit forced and a bit rushed. Also, the middle of the fic dragged a bit. I found the chapter with Strawberry Sunrise to be a bit painful to get through.
Finally, I found the final chapter a bit lacking. The reveal of who done it lacked a bit of the drama that is normally expected of this genre, and I felt there should have been more definitive evidence linking the culprit to the pyrewolf. But good on you for slipping the squeaks right under my nose! You really got me with that one.
All in all, this was a good fic! Keep at it and I think you have a bright future ahead of you as a fanfic writer.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate the feedback regarding the prose, as well as the more specific feedback regarding chapter 3 and the middle chapters. I think I'll go back and re-read those. Maybe I'll try and rewrite them as an exercise.
With regards to the end, I always feel like the end of a Who-dunnit is too definitive, and wanted to be a bit more ambiguous, because that's how this can feel in real life. In hindsight, though, maybe that was misguided. Or at the very least needed more polish.
In any case, I'm glad you stopped by and had a good time
well that doesn’t sound suspicious at all!
ahaha i love this exchange! Applejack must have very strong willpower to resist Rarity fluttering her eyelashes
ooh i was wondering about Applejack not wearing a hat! since it belonged to her dad she would not be wearing it in this timeline, great detail!
hehe love their enmity
gottem
love the Detective Rarity coming out
between whatever’s eating at Pinkie and the offhoof mention of Cousin Crispin there are a lot of elements being set up here! really love the dynamic you have with these three, especially between Rarity and Applejack. you’ve captured it so well!
haha, definitely can hear Apple Bloom yelling this right at this point
oof, now i am worried!
well now i am definitely worried!
augh, this part is so real, trying to shield a child from something like this but the child definitely knowing something is up and being able to guess just how serious it must be. and i def see Rarity as the one to break the silence here
great direction to take Pinkie. this either hints that she has past experience with supporting someone through grief and mourning or she has a hidden maturity masked by her silliness that comes out when the situation calls for it, or both.
oh i guess i saw that!
so true
i just adore this exchange! Rarity is so perfectly Rarity with her comments, and it really gives a beginning-of-a-cosmic-horror-story vibe
loving this detective duo dynamic being set up here as well
love the anecdote! of course Manehattan would have a parade with a giant puppet float of Celestia. though i would be more surprised if Pinkie wasn’t quite familiar with the operation of puppets than the reverse lol
i can just imagine this and i love it
aww poor Applejack! trying to keep up a brave face by still flirting back with Rarity
and yeah, considering Applejack already throws herself into overwork in order to cope with things that aren’t her parents dying…
oof! painful to see Applejack going at Rarity like that but that is what she would say in her anger and grief
haha, love the bureaucratic awkwardness of this and the lieutenant interrupting earlier
ehehe and of course both of them had episodes of them being detectives
so true and gottem
so Filthy had enchanted puppets this whole time? really makes you think
aww but it’s so great when Rarity is acting melodramatic!
hehehe, and i bet that info goes straight into Pinkie’s dossiers as well
ooh now that is a connection i would like to know more about!
love this about them
love Rarity’s continuing insistence on getting her friends to wear hats
Rarity is so good at lying i love her
there sure are a lot of puppets around this Ponyville!
ooh, interpreting Strawberry Sunrise as closer to Applejack’s parents in age and not an age-peer of Applejack is really interesting! i love it, and the depth she has here beyond just being a correct mare who doesn’t like apples
aww now i feel bad laughing at her alongside Applejack earlier
oh Strawberry never did answer the question about the other puppeteers, did she?
augh, Filthy is such a good beloved family friend in this chapter. almost… too good???
feel like this bush will feature again at some point!
does make sense that Applejack would learn the story of the Pears a lot earlier if her parents had still been around
love this moment for Rarity, def see her getting onto two hooves to dramatically pose for this
dang Treehugger you live like this?
Applejack is very relatable here
augh i just want to hug them both
so true
oof that could lead to some bad coping mechanisms
this is so true she is perfectly put-together beyond understanding
a thing can be two things!
love how Pinkie of a response this is
augh, definitely both awkward and heartwarming. it is also always fun to see the same scene play out in a different context in an AU, like two diverging roads crossing each other once more for a moment
augh i love them
and somehow i just realized that there was no mention of the other three Mane Six characters in the tale, and this is an AU where it really is just the three of them in Ponyville! and these three in particular really ground the world that they are in, without connections to the Everfree, the Wonderbolts, or Princess Celestia that the other half of the six bring. gives a different sheen to Rarity’s position here and i love it
oof, def feel like there’s another story here going into Pinkie’s background. but even if there is not, it’s a really great throughline in this piece, really rounds out the character and world
hehe, just love these three small-town friends and their little adventure!
augh and what a great ending! converging this Applejack with the Applejack we know (the hat) and capping off the most important subplot of Rarity trying to get Applejack to try the hat. i really enjoyed this story and loved the feel of these three’s friendship having a history. as for the clues to the mystery, i definitely latched on to the wrong things throughout the story, haha. the squeaks were even pointed out to be suspicious, after all! and it was nice seeing that and the detail of the missing fruit coming together.
thank you for writing!
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She's an Apple! They have the strongest wills.
She's not Detective Rarity yet!
Thank you so much
I spent a bit of time trying to really nail it for this one.
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It's one of my favorite dynamics in fiction: the tension between wanting to protect someone young and their natural curiosity for something so important to them. I'm glad it came across as well as I wanted it to.
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whistling
Not at all the vibe I was going for, but I can see it now that you mention it. Hmmmm.... good feedback to use later :D
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I really wanted to emphasize this dichotomy between the two
lovebirdshere. I feel like cannon Rarity is perfectly willing to lie to do what she thinks is right, and Applejack is completely unwilling to. Here, it's a strength of their relationship.11858604
I came up with this joke somewhere around here in the first draft and immediately knew I had to make it recurring.
What? You don't like apples?! Simply the best fruit in all Equestria????? (I also don't like apples; I used to, then I ate too many bad ones.)
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This is based on multiple conversations I've had with friends of mine while they were incapable of fully realized speech.
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That's a good idea; wish I had thought of it.
No one could ever be so put-together.
I'm always a big fan of people trying to come together but not feeling quite comfortable about it. It gives them somewhere for the relationship to go and feels realistic to how big long-term fights have been solved in my experience.
And I'm also a big fan of stories that feel down-to-earth and with characters that feel like they have a real vested interest in their immediate communities. As for the rest of the Main 6, though... maybe there's a hint or two in here or something
I've always felt like earlier seasons of MLP suggest Pinkie didn't have a good home life. She's afraid of disappointing her surrogate parents (the Cakes), is incredibly anxious when her friends won't come to one of her parties, and is upset when Cranky doesn't want anything to do with her. It could be just normal anxiety, but my favorite interpretation (of early seasons, of course) is that Pinkie's parents, at least somewhat, neglected her. The main contradictory piece of evidence is the story of how Pinkie got her Cutie Mark; we can see her parents excited about the party. I like to think this is her trying to "polish up" the story for the foals in the cart, but it's entirely possible I'm reading too much into this kids show
In any case, I'm glad it does a good job of fleshing out the world.
I wouldn't have said it myself, but I think if I had a goal with this story, it was probably this. So, I'm glad it shone through without me knowing
And thank you for reading! I always love reading your comments, so it was a pleasant surprise to see you here