- Member Since 20th Aug, 2014
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libertydude
Aspiring writer, Steve Magnet disciple
libertydude
Joined 20th Aug, 2014 ·
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I love the setup for this!
11659116
Agreed. There are elements here that I'd usually avoid in clop, but the setup is extremely intriguing and I'll certainly be giving this a read in the very near future.
Now this is worthy of the essay comment, because there is a lot to review here.
The Premise
The prompt I gave was basically Gallus is asked by Spike to get Gabby pregnant for obvious lore reasons, and the kink was breeding and to a lesser extent cuckoldry. It would have been easy to have Gallus be a big-dicked, chiseled alpha male who gives Gabby the best sex of her life and makes her orgasm a thousand times before pumping enough spunk into her to make her bloat like a waterballoon, but as was said in the description, the author wrote a:
I have to admit, I never saw that coming, and it works out pretty well. Deconstructions are a risky thing, since they can come from a place of contempt for the source material or premise, and can generally undermine the feelings the audience have towards the trope they wanted to see, but this one was both surprising and effective. Sure, a typical bull-hotwife-cuckold story could've been fun to read, but it would've just been another generic and shameless fetish-fuel clopfic to add to the pile. What I got instead was something with a surprising amount of depth for what I asked, and I'll be damned if I don't enjoy depth to my stories.
The Story
I was intrigued from the moment I was explained what'd been written, and when I opened the chapter and read the first paragraph, I was already hooked. You can immediately feel Gallus' dread and doubts and angst, and that's all conveyed perfectly before the other characters are even encountered. His inner monologue really lets the reader get inside his head and understand how he feels and why he feels the way he does, and sheds light on his conflict. The poor griffon really is caught between a rock and a hard place, and I felt for him as he put on a brave face and struggled to overcome his inner demons. I kept waiting for him to break down crying or quietly explain he couldn't go through with it, but his emotional explosion when he went through with something he was so sure would ruin all their lives, only to be told he had to do it again, was absolutely the right time for that revelation. He was at his mental limit and couldn't hold it back, and I really felt his fear, frustration, the pressure to do the right thing when faced with two no-win scenarios, and a general feeling of inadequacy. It was great pacing and very effective at what the author set out to achieve. The way he set the scene with dim lighting and murkiness on a summer day really made the scene feel both thematic and realistic, and for that reason, I'd say it was a successful deconstruction all on its own; turning the typical low-lighting of a sexy scene into a signal of the unhappy mental state of one of the characters, and showing how something is being hidden. The feelings and the emotions, the connection between the characters, all of it got me invested, and made me feel things other than horny.
The Characters
I chose the characters for two main reasons. The first was show canon, since if you enjoy something, you may as well stay as true to it as possible, rather than rewriting everything, and keeping something as canon as possible really helps to invest you in the story. Since Gabby and Spike are really close friends in the show, and roughly the same age give-or-take, I like to believe they start a relationship (personal preference? Absolutely. Definitely canon? Hopefully, but no idea). The second reason was that, simply, I really love the characters. Gabby is adorable and kind and just so loveable, and I just want to squish her cheeks and cuddle up to her. She's driven and determined to be better in a society that rejected kindness and helpfulness, and those qualities made me love her. Spike and Gallus likewise had a good amount of character development and a breakdown of who they are as individuals, and I found both of them, too, to be admirable. Having them in a fic together felt like a good chance to see the characters I enjoyed getting it on.
And the author nailed their characterisation. Everything about what I loved about them was on display, and it felt relatively authentic to the show (time-jump and sexual elements in a non-sexual show notwithstanding). Gabby was bright and chirpy and so determined to help Gallus, and she had that enthusiasm and confidence which made her loveable in the show itself. This time she was the teacher rather than the student, but given the context of this fic and the fact it's a few years in the future, that feels right. Spike was calm and collected and determined to do it by-the-book with Twilight's guidance, which felt like how we last saw him in the show in the final episode; matured and more worldly-wise, but with the deferation to Twilight's wisdom and a complete trust and respect for her advice. He is, regardless of their stations in life, her little brother, and this fic captures that perfectly without wasting time going too much into depth. Twilight, although only indirectly present, felt like the compassionate, book-smart, wise ruler we know her to be, with an emphasis on the clear and detailed instructions she would undoutedly give when asked for advice for such a clinical topic as sexual reproduction.
Gallus. Oh, my dear sweet Gallus. That confident, suave, street-smart griffon who exchanged greed, snark, rudeness, and self-interest for selflessness, courage, and the values of harmony. When we last see him in the show, we see how prim and proper he's become in Twilight's court, and how he's risen to the occasion to become the Captain of the Royal Guard, the first griffon in history to achieve such a feat. Despite this, we can infer he isn't always in such a cushy position, and would have to go on what must be dangerous missions in service of the kingdom. He will have built bonds and become far more disciplined, strengthening him as a person. For all that, potentially ruining a friendship must be one of the hardest and most terrifying obstacles he has ever come across, given how friendship has turned his life around and basically made it worth living, as we see in the Hearth's Warming Club. Because of that, the conflict he feels in this fic feels real; he reacted with fear when facing his fears in What Lies Below, he reacted with frustration and anger and sadness when his friends turned on one another in Hearth's Warming Club, and he reacted with sheepishness and defensiveness when his persona was challenged in A Matter of Principals. When his convictions to do the right thing when faced with either letting his friend down by refusing a request they obviously desperately want, or going through with it despite his belief it would have a negative outcome for everyone involved are challenged in this fic, he puts on a brave face and fakes being alright, as he always has in the show, but he still reacts with the sort of shock and distress that feels exactly like him.
All of the characters feel like their authentic selves, taking into consideration the chronology of the fic in relation to the show and the situation the characters find themselves in. They all carry the right mannerisms, the right speech patterns, the right role in relation to everyone else in the story. In summary, they all feel like the characters I wanted to read, and I cannot overstate how amazing that is for my investment in the story.
The Clop
This was, first and foremost, a clopfic, since that's the point of the Summer Sin Celebration. It's supposed to be perverse, depraved, and sexy, and despite the fic being a great example of how the story is not neglected in pursuit of porn and how the story is interwoven with the sex (or vice-versa), the clop needs to be good for it to be a good clopfic. So how did the clop fare?
Requested kinks
I asked for impregnation in the form of an arranged breeding session, and that was exactly what I got. I expected it to be a pretty standard clopfic in which you get your typical maledom and femsub, in which the male is confident and endowed and starts with oral, makes her cum, puts penis in vagina, makes her cum, switches position, makes her cum, and finally blows a big enough load to raise concerns regarding dehydration, which probably makes her cum again. Instead, I got something a lot more complex and simple: a virgin Gallus and a caring yet excited Gabby who helps him overcome his doubts and concerns. The impregnation was implied rather than directly stated, but that's by far good enough, given the sorts of things they got up to. It felt somewhat grounded, and there's a lot to like about that.
I also kinda sorta requested cuckolding, since I wanted Spike to be in the room. I had no idea how that would turn out, and it managed to be something I hadn't anticipated; an exploration of relationship dynamics, and not just sexual ones. It was, weirdly, kinda romantic, although it's clear it's not going to be a clear-cut polyamourous family. I really enjoyed the dymanics here, with Gabby taking the lead for both males and the whole thing turning into a surprisingly sweet and tender sex-session, without specific power dynamics between them. It was a couple inviting a third into their bedroom for a very specific reason, and being mature about what that meant. It's not exactly a sexual or romantic thing, rather a practical arrangement, but they sure as hell make it work. Somehow, them being honest, open, and mature about where this leaves them is sweeter and more emotionally satisfying than if it had been a bull-hotwife-cockold relationship.
Additional kinks
Halfway between plot and clop is the dynamic between Gabby, Gallus, and Spike. Spike and Gabby are a couple, and want Gallus to be their sperm donor (or "inseminator" as the story calls it, since they're gettin' it on to make her a big tiddy mommy). Gallus is close friends with Spike, which was why he was chosen. From a story perspective, this causes Gallus a great deal of distress, since he knows how much this means to Spike and doesn't want to not help his friend with something so important, but also is fully convinced this will utterly ruin their friendship and break apart what ought to be a happy family. This is the core driving conflict of the story, and is damn good from that perspective, but it also provides - inadvertently or otherwise - a clear comparison to polyamorous families. It would have been so easy to make them happy, consequence-free fuckbuddies, or become a consequence-free polyamorous throuple, but instead, their dynamics are made clear in-story in a way that not only provides a different outcome and relationship status than you'd normally expect, but also feels kinda grounded, both for IRL reasons and in the context of this story. Gallus is not romantically attracted to Spike or Gabby, and while he finds her sexually attractive, he is not uncontrollably attracted to her. Spike and Gabby are romantically intertwined, and are not romantically attached to Gallus, but they want him to be a part of their family life when it comes to raising their child. Gallus' fear is the breakup of a family, and being excluded from his own child's life, but Spike and Gabby make it clear that will never happen, and that they will remain fast friends afterward. It isn't romance per se, but it's hella sweet, and definitely feels like something I'm struggling to classify as anything other than romantic. It's good, and I enjoyed it.
A handjob while explaining a fantasy, with a girl whispering encouragement in your ear? Now that's nice, and I definitely welcome that sort of content.
Fuckin' mood. It's a short section, literally just this paragraph, and while I would've liked to see more spanking and anal fingering, I can't complain, since I didn't ask for it, and yet I was blessed with it anyway.
I don't see Gallus as a sub, so having this section was a nice change of pace. It not only shows Gabby's willingness to do what it takes to make her friends happy, which is a loveable quality of hers, but having Gabby as a switch feels pretty in-character for her. That, and the occasional femdom can be pretty hot, especially if it's obviously her adopting a persona. Mean girls can be hot but are offputting, but sweet girls becoming mean for sexy times? I can accept that. Also, impact play; risky, yet rewarding.
Well now, that's pretty hot. I hadn't considered double-teaming a cute griffon hen, but a three-way climax is something I really should've thought about before. I'm lucky the author had the foresight to put it in. It really fits in this fic, where the whole premise is starting a family together, and the three of them really should be involved in it in this way.
A person who just swears for the sake of swearing becomes tiresome, but when a person is crass during sex, that really does add something to the experience. A sweet, loveable hen like Gabby, dropping the word "cunt" and demanding Spike come over for a blowie while she rides another griffon? Now that's what I call erection-fuel.
I do love it when heightened sexual senses are presented in ways we can appreciate. With humans, sure, you can smell when someone's aroused, but we're not creatures who go into heat or anything, where the whole thing becomes a rapid fuckfest. With mythological sapient animals and the like, it's nice to have this little detail which really conveys in a simple way what it is and why it's supposed to be nice. Just imagine if your partner took off her panties for you and you suddenly smelled heady vanilla or some scent you absolutely loved. That'd be pretty neat, and this captures that idea perfectly.
Writing
In terms of the quality of the writing, it's good. The story is conveyed well, and I was never lost as to what was happening. It kept me invested, and I was never bored reading it. In terms of story, I really couldn't ask for more. As for the clop specifically, it follows a good forumla, with enough detail and description to give me a good idea of what the situation looked and sounded and smelled and felt like, which is the most important part of writing, including clop. I got a good sense of how everyone felt, what was happening, when, where, how, and why, and I never felt like it was just porn for the sake of porn. The plot was connected intrinsically, and since the author said he was writing a deconstruction, it worked well to show that, yes, sexy scenes aren't always sunshine and rainbows. For that, the author has undoutedly achieved his aim.
The style of writing was pretty familiar to me, and I saw a lot of my own writing in what I read. Some of the descriptions of actions or activities or body parts or processes seemed like something I would write myself, and in particular, the whole impact play scene really reminded me of the Smolder chapter from Galvanised, with the dynamic between Gabby and Gallus, and the formatting of the slap, looking so similar that I couldn't help but enjoy it. When signing up for the SSS, our great lord and master Shakespearicles gives us a suggestion to read up on the person to whom we owed the gift, and I believe that the author did exactly that, or otherwise had read my stuff before and so knew my style. Either that, or he somehow managed to go for the sort of tone I liked in my clop without knowing anything about me, which is honestly such an impressive feat that I won't ask as to which it was.
The sex scenes were good as a whole, some of which I've shown and expressed my approval for. However, there are some writing choices which did detract a little from the overall quality. The repetition of certain words is a very easy trap to fall into for any author, with one such example being how many times Gabby "whispered" to Spike in quick succession, how often "cock" is used one after another, and the same with "cooed", "chirped", and "tugged sharply", among other words which must've come to the author's mind as he was writing a chunk of the story. Another easy pitfall is not striking the right balance between serious and silly, which is a major pain for any clop author to try and get right, and in some parts of the fic, this was what happened:
In terms of personal taste, this sounds icky, and not in a sexy way, though I admit that is a small gripe. Sometimes it's necessary to write "penis" or "phallus" to avoid repetition of "cock" and "dick", but having "womb" and "uterus" next to each other and saying the cum is "sucked up" comes across as a bit goofy. Similarly, this section was a bit of a mood-killer:
I imagine it was done specifically in the interest of the deconstruction of such a clopfic, and so I'm not going to say it was a bad choice, but it did make me cringe a little. It feels like an overdescription, and while I love grounded fics, there are certain details which don't need to be gone into in the interest of maximising sexiness. Sometimes, over-detail was used, which made the relevant part of the story artificially extended:
These two paragraphs could've been cut down to half the length and it would've had the exact same effect and conveyed the exact same amount of information. All it does is feel excessive, and feels more like needless exposition. In other parts of the story, the information is muddled, seeming to show Gallus getting no pleasure at all, but then in the next sentence being overwhelmed with pleasure:
The author specifically said that he doesn't usually write clop, and that he has no real experience with Gabby and Gallus, and so I would like to point out that this is a tremendous effort which has definitely hit a lot of right notes for me, with areas for improvement, as with every author. He approached the challenge with the right attitude and did a fantastic job.
The Best Parts
I liked this story, and not just because I requested it. There are stand-out moments which really made me feel good. Here are two moments which exemplify the quality of the writing, one part character-driven, and the other part sexually-driven.
This is brilliant, right here. Gabby is chirpy and considerate, and is just so adorable in her mannerisms. She wants to help Gallus, and doesn't belittle, mock, ridicule, or downplay him as a person. Gallus is shown to be nervous, and it all feels so organic.
Harder, mommy. This is something I'd write, and I commend the author for putting it in. It doesn't feel cheesey, or overdone, or bad; it's perfect. It's hot and sexy and feels right for the characters and the setting.
Conclusion
This is a good story, and I am genuinely disappointed that at the time of writing my comment, this has a 3:2 like/dislike ratio. It isn't a perfect story, but this was written by an author who is trying something very new, and has had to come out of his comfort zone to write it. He took a simple prompt for what amounted to fetish-fuel and crafted it into a story-centric examination of the very real impact of non-romantic sexual relations between friends, and how that might affect a family. It had some good clop, it had a very good plot, and it tugged at my heartstrings. Gallus deserved happiness as much as Spike and Gabby, and rather than jumping into an alpha-male Gallus trope or going the easy route of the three of them boinking for some super-hot bisexual action, it was kept moderate, but still hot. Thanks libertydude for this clopfic, and I hope you keep up writing clop in the future. I need me some delicious clop with more than just "and then they fuc'd", and you've got a lot of potential in you for that exact sort of thing.
7/10, would read again.
11659116
11659283
I hope you find the execution interesting at least! It was hard to write this due to my lack of clop experience, but I wanted to try some new things out. Even if it doesn't entirely work in places, it was a fun experiment.
11659438
First off, glad you enjoyed it for the most part. Second, thank you so much for the feedback! You're the first person I've done this contest for that actually left detailed remarks, and I actually really like when that happens. This will help me a lot if I decide to do any more clopfics, and I'll definitely take some lessons from your review.
11659438
God damn, I wish I could get this kind of detailed feedback on my stories. I just finished reading the story, and I didn't realize I was only halfway done reading the text on the page.
There's nothing I can say that you didn't already say. I enjoyed it.
11661335
If you ever write a story for me, I'll make sure to give you this level of feedback.
Most of the appeal of erotica for me comes down to the scenario and character dynamics so I gotta agree with the praise this story is getting. It's a short fic that says so much about these characters. It even feels like their personalities inform the sex scenes rather than the other way around. I especially liked the opening; exposition that feels natural is something I always look for in fiction.
11667500
Thank you so much! I'm actually surprised that this story's getting relatively decent feedback. I've only done two other clopfics (both for this contest), and I was worried that I was overreaching my writing capabilities with this plot. There are some things I'd do differently (particularly related to the actual clop scenes themselves), but the fact that folks for the most part enjoy it is a huge relief.
Not much to add to the extensive feedback, but damn. Domme!Gabby is rarely seen, but very hot.
11692024
That's actually one of the reasons I did it. Scenarios where more prominent shy characters like Fluttershy or Marble Pie act dominant are pretty prevalent on this site, but I couldn't recall ever seeing Gabby as a dom before. It just felt like a natural characterization for this fic once the gloves come off.
11697265
And she really does have the right attitude towards it too - you know she'd make sure she knew what she was doing, took a "how can I make my sub feel good" mentality, and be on the lookout for any sign she was pushing too far.
All part of her "helping people feels good" attitude.