Emiri ucchi a young girl is in her final year of highschool, still being ignored by tomoko wishes things would just work out for her, when she happens upon a pony that looks just like Tomoko Kuroki, gross things happen!
An entry in the Thousand Words Contest II.
Page generated in 0.057 seconds
Total duration
1,027 users online
2,159,157 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Neat, though you could do with some description on the specifics of the similarities that make it a on sight 'this is a pony version of Tomoko'. Perhaps you could comment on their eyes and the way they look at things, mentioning the same marks of sleep deprivation and deadness that happens to add to the 'Grossness' that Emiri perceives? Maybe on how they hunch in on their self except when presenting false bravado on vulgar things?
To provide the link, paste the following into the story description.
An entry in the [url=https://www.fimfiction.net/group/216361/a-thousand-words/thread/517645/a-thousand-words-contest-ii-2023-may-29-jul-30]Thousand Words Contest II[/url].Beyond that, I am not permitted to say anything on the story until after judging has concluded.
It's not a bad concept. But that's ultimately what this story is, just a concept. It feels like an unfinished rough draft, like a demo reel put out to convey an idea and get investors onboard with making the final product a reality.
I don't mean to be rude, but the story could use a lot of editing and proofreading.
11648480
This story was only meant for 1k words, not much I could actually do with 1000 word limit
dang that is mean!
and that is… confusing?
i gotta say, that would be quite a prank!
well, not sure what to make of this one to be honest, since not much happens in it, and i am not familiar with the source material. but thank you for writing!
I’m unfamiliar with the crossover, I’m afraid. Moreover, I wasn’t sure how you were handling that part of it, so Emiri’s shock and confusion at seeing pony Tomoko confused me until I realized that Emiri herself wasn’t a pony. Yes, the Human tag is present, but there’s nothing in the story to show that. One mention of hands or fingers is all I ask, some subtle indicator.
In all, it’s characters I don’t know barely having time to interact with one another. You don’t even explain why Emiri sees Tomoko as gross, in a good way or otherwise. Crossovers are a massive risk in this contest; you either expend precious word count on background information or just leave the reader confused. Here, you went for the latter, and it cost you. Still, thank you for the entry.