Hollow Feathers

by 6-D Pegasus

Empty Flight

My wings bristle in the cold air as I land outside my cloud house. Tall walls of fluffy white, cast into shadow by the pale light of Luna's moon, stand tall in front of me. It is my humble solitude, my sanctuary, my place to rest and relax and get away from a day's work and responsibilities.

But it is also my prison.

I step inside, shivering a little from the night air, but warming up quickly in the magic heating integrated throughout the walls. A quick glance to my right brings a gentle smile to my face; Tank sits curled within his shell in his own soft, little basket. In the dark of night, I can almost catch the faint, violet twinkles floating around him, indicating Twilight's cloud-walking spell is still fighting its ongoing war with gravity for him.

I reach up with a hoof to brush my mane aside, allowing my gaze to fall upon the countless trophies and medals littering the nearby shelf. A stray beam of moonlight streaks through the window and falls upon them, showering the walls and ceiling in a golden stars. So many accomplishments, so many accolades, so many achievements, by the one and only Rainbow Dash.

That's me, right? Rainbow Dash... is my name.

Instinctively, I give my still open wings a brief flap, and I shudder from the chill breeze that brushes my coat and feathers. That same cyan fur, that same prismatic mane, those same rose eyes that shine brightly through the newspaper clippings, stare back at me in the glass that frames them.

I am Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash is me.

But who is Rainbow Dash?

She's the most loyal, the most dependable, the most awesome pony in Equestria. She's brave and she's confident, she's stubborn and she's arrogant, she's strong and she's fierce. She's everything I've ever wished I could be.

But... I'm not that Rainbow Dash. That Rainbow Dash isn't me.

I'm always scared that my friends will know, that they'll find out how scared and meek and timid I really am underneath it all. Fluttershy might as well be a steadfast dragon compared to who I am. I'm scared they'll leave me, leave me all alone.

I hate being alone.

When I first arrived at flight camp all those years ago as a filly, I had no one. No friends to hide behind, no mom or dad to stay with me to make sure I'd be fine. All they said was I'd do great, that I would be a great flier and easily make all the friends. I didn't believe them.

On that first day was when I saw Fluttershy, saw her being picked on and teased for not flying as confidently. I wanted so badly to go to her and tell her she wasn't the only one, that it's okay to be scared and hide away from everything. But how can I tell her that if I can hardly believe it myself.

So for the first time in my life, and for many many years to come, I decided to pretend.

I thought of a powerful pegasus, twice my height, wings stretching wide and as far as the eyes could see. She would wear a cocky grin, eyes teeming with confidence. She would be the greatest flyer in all of Equestria. Nobody could ever touch her. Nobody could ever hurt her.

I pretended to be her. I pretended to be her when I defended her from the bullies. I pretended to be her when I raced against the bullies. I pretended to be her as I did the impossible and split the sky open with a brilliant explosion, filling the air and my flanks with a beautiful rainbow.

I thought maybe if I pretend hard enough, I'd become her. That the mask I decided to wear would become who I am, who I'm meant to be.

But it never happened.

As the years went on, I continued to pretend. I pretended to be the awesome pony they all looked up to. She was the one who would go on to save Equestria countless times, the one who had nothing to fear, the one who would pose for the cameras as she saved yet another helpless filly from a well. She was the one who would move the Ponyville, construct her own cloud house, lead the weather team, and find a group of such wonderful friends like Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, Spike, Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash would have it all, everything she ever wanted.

I pretended to laugh and brag during picnics with my friends. I pretended to smile and wave at random ponies who glanced in my direction. I pretended to seek adventure, thrill, pretended to be reckless and carefree, pretended to be something, anything, that wasn't me.

I hoped if I pretended long enough, I could eventually lay down at night and look back on what the day had brought and what Rainbow Dash had done and think to myself, yes that was all me. That's who I am from the bottom of my heart. I was the one that cracked those jokes, that pranked my friends, that annoyed them and saved them and impressed them and protected them.

But it never happens.

Because when the day is over and the sun sets, I'm still the one that returns home. The one that looks along the wall at all the amazing things Rainbow Dash has done, all the lives she's touched, all the records she's broken.

She's not me. I'm not her.

I built a life around a lie. Sometimes, I don't know what parts of it are Rainbow Dash and what parts are me. The world didn't accept me, but it did accept Rainbow Dash. It accepted the lie.

I slowly ascend the stairs that Rainbow Dash sculpted together with gentle precision. My hooves brush against the soft cloud floor that Rainbow Dash patted down with her own hooves. I tiredly stumble my way into the bedroom that Rainbow Dash sketched and designed and molded with love, with a single, soft bed waiting for me in the middle.

This house is where I am most comfortable.

But it is also my prison.

For whenever I step out the doors to face the blues of the sky and the greens of the earth, to face my friends, my family, even my fans, I cannot be me. I am not the one they know, the one they speak with and laugh with and hug and cry with. I must remain away, while Rainbow Dash flies and soars through the sky to greet the day with a smile.

I fold my wings tightly to my sides and climb into bed. I settle into the blankets and pillows Rainbow Dash commissioned from Rarity, the ones imbued with cloud-walking enchantments thanks to Twilight, the ones she wraps around Fluttershy when she needed a strong shoulder to cry on, the ones she lends to Applejack when they would waste each other way on cider-drinking competitions, the ones she has to constantly retrieve whenever Pinkie Pie mysteriously sneaks into her house to steal. They are Rainbow Dash's friends. But they are also my friends. The ones I think of every night when I sleep, the ones I dream of welcoming me with open hooves for who I am.

Sometimes I dream of going back in time. Sometimes it's when I first met Twilight on the Summer Sun celebration. Sometimes it's when I first met Applejack earlier that year's cider harvest season. Sometimes it's when I first met Fluttershy all the way back on the first day of flight camp.

And I dream of going up to them, me! Not Rainbow Dash! Not the brave, strong, fearless pegasus, but me, and restarting my life from there.

But it's too late.

The world has its Rainbow Dash now. Rainbow Dash is all any of them know. And if I can't be that pony, who else will?

I slip under the covers and rest my head gently on the pillow, letting my mane splay out like colorful streaks.

I close my eyes, and I let the mask slip away from my mind.

I am no longer Rainbow Dash. I am me.

Tears begin to flow from my eyes, following the same lines they follow every night, but I don't hold them back.

Rainbow Dash doesn't cry. But I do. I cry so Rainbow Dash doesn't.

I clutch the blanket to me tighter with my hooves.

I've spent so long pretending, hiding behind my mask.

Who am I without it? Am... I?

I don't know...

I don't know...

I don't know...

Author's Note:

vent story

Comments

[Solar Rocker]

Such an beautifully done story. I really enjoy sensitive Rainbow Dash, especially autophobic (the fear of isolation) Rainbow, and this really conveys that sense of isolation as well as identity with the idea that Rainbow has worn this mask for so long she can’t bring herself to take it off in public for fear of being lonely as a result. Good job.

[ThePeer]

This is really really good. At first, I saw the use of first person and present tense as a strange choice, but it just works here and fits perfectly into the story.

This is definitely better than the shitty vent stories I have stored in my google docs. I hope you get through whatever triggered you to write a vent.

I know this does not mean much being a random on the internet, but you have my support.

[starcoder]

You have a way of making words work, unlike me.

This is a vent story? I hope you're doing okay.

[i_am_the_jam]

I bet the next thing she'll say is that Rainbow Dash isn't her real name...

[Bojack H]

really getting some Ciaphas Cain vibes from this

[ScarredVirtue]

When we become so attached to the masks we wear, who are we when we take them off?

This line.

This line occupies more of my thoughts than I'd like it to. Identity is tough to define, when we interact differently with different groups.

An old boss gave me advice on how to move up in the world. "Fake it 'till you make it," he said. "Project confidence even when there is none, and sure enough that confidence will become real."

People ask where my self-esteem comes from. I never really think that I am confident, but I know how to act as if I was. So, is that confidence really mine?

It feels nice to see these topics explored in a character for which we never really get a chance to see what lies beneath. At what point, if ever, would she accept Rainbow Dash as her identity?

[Dark Rose 777]

Wow, this is deep. My man, this is beatiful, and I'm pretty sure this'll pop up in my head from time to time...but dude, if this is vent story, I hope you're doing alright. Identity crisis happen, but nothing lasts forever

[Exiist]

Beautifully written fic, emotions running high with this and a lot of memorable quotes, well done.

[EndlessPossibilities58]

This was a very touching story, I liked how the brash and cocky Rainbow we're familiar with is just an act, and it's instead someone much more timid and scared underneath, putting on a mask to appear more confident.

I don't know what you're going through, but I can tell you you're not alone. I myself experienced a bit of a traumatic episode recently, and while I'm over it and feeling better now, it still makes me uncomfortable whenever I look back at it. I've thought about maybe using it as the basis for a story as you did, but I feel like it's too fresh in my mind currently, and writing about it won't help my psyche.

Anyway, great job here, and I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Ebonyglow]

I know this was a vent story for you, but it also felt like something I needed to read due to some things I myself am facing.

I appreciate you writing this great story, and I hope you’re okay

[AC97]

This does feel fitting for Rainbow Dash, oddly enough. Perhaps it's because she's shown a side of herself on some occasions where she's deeply insecure about herself (telling herself she's dumb in front of Twilight, in Testing Testing 1, 2, 3, having performance anxiety in Sonic Rainboom, not actually thinking she could do a Sonic Rainboom in one of the timeline branches in the S5 finale when Twilight tried to encourage it, or even in her prospects in racing an actual adult, underneath the bravado). It's not too much of a stretch to think there's a sense of Impostor Syndrome involved with her, if that's the right way to put it.

She is, most likely, wrong about not being accepted if she let the mask down around those close to her. Especially with say, Twilight. But it's all they've ever known. The front is all she's ever really known, in a sense, so it is what it is. It's familiar, and the loss of it is a terrifying prospect, as hard as it is to upkeep it.

[Catpaw616]

Beautiful.
I hope you're doing ok. Best wishes as always

[The_Clockwork_Matriarch]

This sounds like a good time for Luna to visit rainbow dash in the dream world and help her out. Very well written first-person fanfic, great job!

[Wishesshecouldwritegood]

This is me. I can’t put it as eloquently as it was written out here, but…really loved this story. As I kept reading along, it kept increasing in relatability. Hope you’re ok, since this was a vent. I think I needed to read this too, saving this to come back to.

[Racapinang]

I hope you doing good bro, your story do not reflect yourself, but us do too! Def to my fav.

[Basilisk]

We are what we do. Even when we think the mask falls away, sometimes we don't recognize the one we put on for ourselves. It's much easier to believe a lie we tell ourselves, when we know we won't challenge that lie because we think it's the truth.

[BirdsBooksBrownies]

Ah yes...impostor syndrome. In an effort to help you the author and this unnamed pony both, sending an internet hug.

I had a good thought a few minutes ago, but it escaped me and now I feel bad for losing it.

[Kowhaifan]

Step 1: go on a fun outing with friends!!!
Step 2: pretend to bang your head super hard on something.
Step 3: drop the act and say it was the head injury that caused it
Step 4: profit.

[Stale Noodle]

Genuinely a great fic about masking and dissociation.

[TrulySilveriify]

100th Upvote Pog
Absolutely adored reading this in class. The writing and formatting of the words really makes it seem that Rainbow was dissociating heavily as if she was ACTUALLY writing this unlike a few other vent stories I come across.

[jamiejammers]

Awww, great fic, can heavily relate to poor Rainbow Dash.

[Jymbroni]

I love this because it captures my favorite moment of Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. Right before she tells Scoots that she was scared too when she first heard those stories you got to see the really Rainbow Dash and this just delivered us her in spades. I think if one pony would gladly accept this new Rainbow it would be Scootaloo.