Pinkie Pie will pierce Raibow Dash. But Zecora is on vacation.
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apple short
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I have no idea what to think...
But... I have the weirdest boner right now...
CHOO CHOO MOTHER FUCKER!
1353412 Hey, you.
Go fuck yourself.
1353417
Hey you.
Choo Choo
1353424 mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4002-1333149308862.gif
Misleading title is misleading....
*EDIT: To the author:
I'll be back later for a proper review when I have more time.Oh, I didn't see it was apple short's story. Carry on with your insanity.1353412
After browsing through the list of literary trash you authored, we could probably say the same to you. Actually, we probably have. I didn't look through the comments, but I seem to remember that Lyoko one for some reason.
NATOstrike ~ TWE Railroad Maintenance Engineer
1353427
My new favorite gif. Thanks.
You know what I find depressing? The fact that this author is so insistent now on improving on his own. Even though NOTHING has improved since he started this mission, and the story with the best like/dislike ratio out of all five stories is the one he had help with.
apple short, you're only hurting yourself more by going it alone. And keeping this batshit crazy continuity between all your stories only makes it SO much worse.
I love you.
Either say the whole f*** word, or just leave it out entirely. And I agree with Clonetrooperkev, the only way to put this is, "It needs a LOT of work".
The English makes NO SENSE. At all. I'm guessing it's not your first language. At least, I hope it isn't.
1353452 I have improved if only to the slightest of your thoughts. I capital the first word now and names and paragraph all the stuff.
1353454 Thanks.
1353481 I can not say the whole f word and keep it mutual this is the acceptedly achieved middle of the edge.
1353493
All right, but I would suggest that you use 'f' instead of just f because it makes it look like "fing" instead of " 'f'ing" or "f-ing". You might also be able to use "freaking". Or "bucking".
1353493 Grammatically, you've made minor improvements. But believe me, the stories THEMSELVES are too flawed to be saved without someone keeping you in check.
1353511 I guess in the stories not written yet i will use freaking then.
1353511
or effing, that's how i read it, Tehe images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/0/0a/Pinkie_pie_vector_i_m_about_to_be_brilliant_by_vetali-d4k0nyk.png
A rainbow flavored cloud piercing xD
Well, I don't think I've done a full review of one of your stories. Let's do this!
1) Your sentence structure is just bizarre. Every line is awkward, and you make up a lot of words. If the characters actually spoke like this, it would be cool, but they don't, so it's just baffling.
2) These have to be the most misleading title and description ever. This is a story about Dash and Pinkie making love with a flimsy piercing subplot. You didn't even use the "Romance" tag, for crying out loud. Bait-and-switch tactics will only attract the wrong audience for this story.
3) Your descriptions are confusing and out-of-place, especially with spike. "The smoke of his people?" What does that even mean?
4) I've never read "Prince Martin Willis," and since he's clearly not even a background pony, every reference to him just puts me off that much more. The continuity/reference thing works best with popular stories and characters, and from what I've heard, Mr. Willis is neither. Unless it's done ironically, but that's not the case here, either.
In all honesty, I don't know how much you've improved on your own, but believe me when I say your will get much better much quicker if you have someone helping you.
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
Uuuuuuurgh, oh how that was a joy. Let's run through some points that are.... interesting.
Story plot: Just.... what? So Rainbow gets a piercing by Pinkie. Just like that, there's no build-up to it whatsoever and not given the slightest reason out of (what I could understand from it) that Rainbow's so cool she should get it. Just this setting alone makes me feel sick, due to my belief that piercings are ugly (sorry to anyone who begs to differ).
I'm sorry, but you cannot say that and instantly think everyone agrees on it. If anything, you should have done that story before this one.
And what was that library scene with Spike? Just.... here, let me quote the text itself
Why?! Give me a reason here author. Just a moment ago you said that Pinkie Pie loves Rainbow Dash, yet here she's with Spike. What kind of morales are you implying here? Pinkie Pie would never do something like this.
Fine example of what I'm talking about. Mind you, I have seen stories that deal with similar issues, however they at least did showcase some bad things that come out due to it.
Oh and everyone's OOC.... that's it. No other words to that, everyone who reads sees it immediatelly. They curse like hell, or at least if you consider using words like 'f', 'fing' and 'fer' cursing.
In the end, it wraps up barely above the 1000 word limit and I stand by the fact you do need to have at least 2000 words into your chapters, unless being a prologue or similar kind of special chapter. Not that rushed up, give n to the fact I didn't even expect much out of it.
Lastly:
Ponies don't have same kind of breasts as humans. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png
Grammar and formatting: Wall of text. I hate it when I need to read something long that has no spacing whatsoever. Thankfully this was at least short enough to not cause any headache At least you did space it out a little bit to not make it a solid wall, I give you that.
I won't dig further into this, due to knowing a lot more experienced native speakers will point it out too. But let me just pick one sentence and fix it up.
And I won't touch the line structure of this! It's so messed up, like you can read above, that many times I had hard time figuring out what you meant. For example in the above line, the word 'because' was used way too many times and even two words away from each other. At least you tried to mimic Pinkie's way of talking without pauses, however it's ruined by the use of 'because'.
Overall: Please consider getting a new proof reader and fast. And try to think some less flawed ideas for stories. I can tell that nobody will take you seriously if you continue to write like this.
Hydkore, regular chap from TWE
1353412
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw5546_small.jpg
Anything I could say would just be parroting others, so I'll just say this.
This needs a lot of work.
~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
1353493
That's good, now you just need to fix up your actual story. You can improve the grammar all you want, but if the idea is flawed, it won't be able to hide behind even the greatest manipulation of English.
Can you tell me a few problems with your 'The Tail (Get It ;)) of pRince Martin Willis' story?
1353992 three i can think of which i will hopefully most likely intend to put in the second one are are he never actually did get get the amazing super threesome with the princeses and twilight i wanted to put there (which will happen in the upcoming one for a fact it is already to be written up for the doing of it) discord should have probably been a lot more of a bad ass swearer king of the most ruthless fear and spike going crazy because he cannot stand to be so short compared to the ponies and Willis.
1354053
Every single one of those problems...wasn't actually a problem. In fact, having fewer orgies helped conserve my sanity.
I'll tell you this much about clop; it's an artform. It's a very difficult medium to write properly and have your readers enjoy without it degrading into porn. It's meant to be emotional, have impact, push the story along.
You walk a very thin edge when you start writing clop, because expectations for it are VERY HIGH. The way you used it here objectified it and everyone involved, and that's not something you're supposed to do.
You're not writing simple words, you're building a living, breathing universe. Everyone has their own thoughts, actions, personalities; they aren't simply tools used to push a story or a certain character forward. Even background characters play a part in massive situations such as battles or arguments.
I'll list off the problems in The Tail:
1) OOCness. It shouldn't be possible to screw up A character this badly, let alone an entire group, or even an entire cast. You managed to make them wholly 1 dimensional, absolutely see through, and degrade them to a bunch of sex tools. This mistake is unforgiveable, no matter what kind of author you may be, and will sink your career faster than stripping the hull off a sailing Titanic.
2) Description. You lacked it. Incredibly. Every situation flew by at supersonic speed when you could have easily used them to explain things, or provide exposition, character dialogue, even inward thoughts. Explain the characters, environments, everything; your reader is meant to BE there in the story. Take away that window that they look through, and allow them to explore and see the world as you see it.
3) Clop...there's too much of it. There's too much very quick clop going by in every single chapter, you lose all possible effect with it. Any form of arousal, story progression, or character development that could have been there is thrown to the wind in the face of "hey, there's sex in this world, let's have it." This is spitting in the face of every author out there who actually puts time and effort into their stories, be it clop or emotional. This is wrong. Very very wrong.
Also, using sex as a power source? This isn't possible, even in a world where magic exists.
4) Willis himself. What can I say about him? Nothing, nothing at all. Why? Because I know nothing about him besides the fact that he's good at Portal (shockingly enough, this is the proper way to spell 'portal', and not just a cool way to spell the word for a game title.)
There's nothing explaining how he managed to get an Aperture Science Dimensional Tunneling Device, nothing explaining his life, nothing explaining anything. And I DREAD this, because it drags a story down! You can work for months on a story, and simply have this take the whole thing down.
5) The idea itself. It's flawed in so many ways, yet you continue to chase it. It needs a tremendous amount of work to make it even seem plausible, and even more to make it enjoyable.
Some tips.
1) Stop writing clop. Just stop writing it, and focus on something actually worthwhile. Not only are you trampling the good work of other authors, and shitting all over the dynamic characters we love so much, you are also ruining an art form. It offers NOTHING to the story, absolutely NOTHING. You should be writing simple one-shots right now, just building up your skills while you develop an idea in your head.
2) Get a proofreader. applejackisbestpony made your story legible, and I have to actually credit him for doing that. He took your writing and fixed pretty much every grammar, spelling, and formatting mistake in the entire document.
I should use him as an editor sometime...
3) Think your stories through, and constantly ask yourself "Does this make sense?" Your answer should ALWAYS be yes. Look at the idea from every angle, from every character perspective, and from every possible event, and ask yourself that question. It's likely going to be 'yes', and if it is for a story you expect to be over 30 chapters, you've got yourself a good idea.
4) Study the characters. Seriously, you destroyed characterization in the first few lines of The Tail.
5) Explain Willis. Please.
6) Relationships, love, lust, these aren't simply playthings, these are real emotions with real consequences. Next time Willis is raping Twilight, consider what ponies around him would do. They wouldn't join in; this is alien, rape is improper, Twilight would likely be screaming for her life. Right from the getgo, Celestia would have banished Willis to the moon until he died of old age. Or suffocation.
7) Think REALISTICALLY. These may be ponies, but they all have human personalities! They all make choices that have pros and cons, they all have feelings, emotion! What would you do if a pony was randomly in your room, pastel colored, all that. It happens to be Twilight Sparkle, but you know NOTHING of the cartoon or the character. What would you do?
I'm pretty sure ponies would think and do the same if YOU ended up in their world.
...There, rant over. Should probably save this...
1354129
1) OOCness. It is up to how you view the characters within the shwo and i view them as such. If it is not popular within all of fans to view them such then it is only ooc to them. To me their characters stayed in tact and fully remandible.
2) Description. I dont know why you bring that up since i constantly get told im to descriptive not the way of opposite you put it at.
3) Clop...there's too much of it. It is a clopfic that creates clop with abundance to much is not possible to be achieved.
4) Willis himself. What can I say about him? Nothing, nothing at all. Why? his past remains to be foretold eventually with the third story since that will focus on his past with present attention.
5) The idea itself. It is not the best I admit but it is still opininated and correctionally sound according to thoughts i laid within it.
as for the tips i do not plan to stop writing clop but it may be eventuated proofreader was a nightmare that blacked the sky of my shine plotted day with infestion of worst merited fear that quenched me. And i think about my stories all the time throughout why else would they be etched within the writing that i posses? The charcters are studied and related with presision considering their love for Willis and their world and also Prince Martin Willis as i said will be backflashed enfolding in the third book. His relationship is of ponyville standards which require immediate friendship love. Their love is of a different awesome than ours which makes the view of sex they have percieved different to the shock you expect of their behavior. Also I never had Prince Martin Willis rape anyone i looked again to be sure it was all willing and in good friendliness and dating real well. for your last tip i disagree and say they do not have human emotions but indeed posses the emotion of pony. Which is similar but better than human since they have much love and complete unity of all thing in their united world of Aquestria. finally if a pony appeared in my room that was pastel and i did not know of the show My Little Pony i would immediately love it despite my lack of wisdom to possess it equally as the deepest of best fucking friends could and show that it was the greatest to have it with me and we would go adventure. And try to go to its world since it was probably one with elves and wonderful creatures. If it was forced to banishment in mine it would still be awesome because i would own a colorful best fucking friend forever. I would need to take it to the backyard through the winding stairs though. BEcause my mom would be angered with the most unrealized devout horror if it pood inside. I dont know also if i could feed it but we could work that through talk of knowledge through discussion providing the hints.
1354053>>1354603
I'm sorry, but these comments just break my mind.
I just...
I can't do this.
I'm actually depressed now.
I am honest-to-God actually depressed.
I just
...
fuck
Ok! Rant attempt number TWO! Because I managed to submit my massive first rant as a guest, and it got deleted...so pissed!
1354603
They didn't. It was either that or they were screaming for sex so much, we didn't get any legitimate dialogue from them. The characters didn't act in the slightest way comparable to how they're portrayed in the cartoon; this is OOC, and this is bad. Extremely. You managed to take Twilight, tear apart what she's really meant to be, and reduce her to a fuck tool. Did the same for every other character in the story.
Swearing doesn't make the characters any more enjoyable, in fact, it makes them sound like idiots who can't think of anything ELSE to say. Swearing is used in crazy distressing situations. We'll use Spike and Twilight in a scene.
Spike is held at bay by two ponies, while Twilight is standing before Nightmare Moon, her horn having already been removed. She's helpless, completely. Spike is about to see his guardian and friend DIE right in front of him, and he can't do a thing about it. He'd start insulting her, screaming bloody murder, thrashing and clawing, trying to get over to Twilight and help her.
Then, she dies. Vaporised, impaled, skull crushed under a mighty royal hoof, anything. This would destroy him, his soul would be shattered like a mirror that was just hit by a truck. THIS is where swearing would feel most natural; Spike flying into such a blind rage that he loses all control over his language and actions. He'd run into the fight screaming, most likely to die alongside Twilight, but swearing would fit much better here.
You misinterpreted what I meant. Description means this: what's going on? This doesn't amount to a few lines talking about the characters, it expands. You're building a world for the reader, you explain the room, the sun, the characters, their actions, thoughts, feelings, everything. I couldn't even find an instance where you explained too much about the CLOP; it was done at such a speed, you'd blink and it'd be over!
Proper description puts you right next to a character, and you see things how they do. We'll use Rainbow during a flight.
This can definitely be improved, but you understood the scene, yeah? It also sounds like something Rainbow would really be thinking.
There is definitely something called 'too much', it's the point where the clop interferes with the story you're trying to convey. A story is an experience for a writer, so what happens when they disconnect from the world? They disconnect and stop reading the story. If I didn't have the obligation to do that riff, I would've stopped reading after the first two lines.
Now, I'm going to be honest here; I can't write clop. I can't write a scene that feels sensual, lustful, and I can't arouse my audience with my writing. This is why I don't do clop. I'm not afraid to try romance, but it's something that needs to be done over the course of a story; two starstruck lovers, both believing they can never be together. Scenes where they consider their options, often having the same thoughts, but fear shatters their resolve before they finally lean in and solve their worries.
Clop is an artform, an artform that requires lots of practice. Not only a lot of practice, but a lot of buildup as well. The frequency at which you displayed clop in your story stole all manner of effect and meaning; it became mechanical, unfeeling, robotic.
Foretold is the wrong word to use here, just 'revealed' works. Willis isn't explained, but that's only half the issue. Nothing concerning his relationships is explained either, and that's what irritates me; Twilight is just "Hey, let's have sex."
It doesn't feel like something that'd happen in that society. I can argue about societal agreement all I want, but it comes down to sentience; in this situation, it seems like Twilight's instinct took over. The smartest God damn unicorn in Equestria was conquered by her own instinct. This...no, I won't acknowledge it.
Perverse thoughts do not make an idea good. The idea is flawed because the conflict is weak, the premise is weird, the powers are stupid, the way you power them even more so (using sex as a power source? What?), and overall, I can't relate to the narrator.
...What? You really should stop writing clop and improve your writing skills, then try again. I can't bear to read another of your stories with a straight face.
No need to break out the thesaurus here, man. Just say you were scared of what your proofreader would tell you. Your proofreader is meant to point out errors in your story so you can fix them, and applejackisbestpony probably did one of the best jobs I've ever seen. An author is flawed, no story is perfect, there will always be errors, so why are you such a coward?
I'll sympathize. I had this same treatment when I started writing, got a ton of hate on my first story. I rolled with the punches, got myself a few editors, and now there's whole worlds of difference between me now and the me of three months ago. I've improved. Vastly. And I'm happy to say those abusive reviews pushed me towards improving; I wanted to impress my audience and have pride in my work. And you know what? I did it, I have pride in my work, and I've impressed numerous people with my writing.
You aren't thinking about them enough to create a legitimate path between start and end, that or you just don't give a shit about what you put on paper. Are you 13? I remember someone saying you were...that would put you in Grade...what, 5? 4? Maybe 6. You've been taught proper grammar and spelling already, you've been taught adjectives, nouns, pronouns, verbs, adverbs, subjects, etc. etc. But this isn't a rant about your writing skill.
Your idea was flawed. I'm not sure what convinced you it'd be a good idea, other than "It sounds cool," but it doesn't work in practice. You need to try something else, maybe something just involving some of the ponies around Ponyville.
*Steel snorts as he holds back a torrent of laughter, his face twisting with the effort.*
The characters weren't studied at all! None of them acted like they would have in a real situation! I had so much to say here, but I'll just jump right to the example.
Let's say you're Willis. Human, never been to such a colorful world, and you're wondering where you are. Twilight Sparkle comes by and spots you. Let's shift to her perspective, shall we?
"What the heck is that?"
That is the very first thought of any rational personality when they see something they've never seen before. When we consider Twilight, she is analytical, curious, and one hell of a study. If she ran into you, the first ever human to come across Equestria, something she's never seen before, she'd be excited. She would cautiously approach you, unsure of how to act around this new species; was it capable of coherent thought? Speech? Was it violent or passive? She'd try and communicate with you, using small words, simple phrases.
Once certain that you are indeed passive, and capable of practical thought and speech, she'd start asking you questions; where are you from? Who are you? What do you eat? What is the major component of your molecular structure (exaggeration!)? She'd bombard you with questions, trying to figure out who and what you are.
This is a mare who, on a daily basis, has had run-ins with dragons, hydras, and royalty. You are, by every possible explanation, NEW. New to Equestria, new to the planet, new to fucking LIFE ITSELF. She wouldn't immediately want to have sex with you! She'd want to STUDY YOU!
Hell, if things went the way I think they would, I'd be dragged down to the basement and be DISSECTED! Well, not dissected, per se, but I'm sure she'd want to do tests on me. Figure out what I was like, what I was made of.
Friendliness is obvious, but friendliness doesn't mean you can fuck her immediately.
The 'relationship' you're thinking of is far different from what I see. What you see as a relationship, I see as seven mares who have gone without stallions for a VERY long time, and have let their instinct completely take over. Love is not portrayed that way.
Sometimes it's immediate, sometimes it's gradual, but there's a real connection between a man and a woman besides the connection made when the guy sticks his-...well, you know where that's going. Ahem.
Ponyville standards for a relationship, as far as we've seen, does sync up with the human definition of love; a pony with a real emotional connection with another. They love being around each other, they make each other laugh, they support each other when sadness hits them. The Tail?
We just saw that AJ is really good at sucking dick. That's about it. If you think this is a good portrayal of love, you either need to go back to school, or ship yourself off to the asylum.
I perceive love as what love is; a chain between two people that draws them together. They love being around each other.
I...really can't say their views of sex are what you say they are, otherwise, wouldn't the stallions around Ponyville be a lot happier? And Pinkie a lot more exhausted every day?
Wait, why am I explaining this? I'm using logic to cover a simple problem...
You have them fucking each other. Constantly.
Do you SERIOUSLY not see the problem with this? There's NO emotional development, no emotional connection, the reader feels nothing while the sexy-sexy is going on! It becomes regular! You don't want fucking to be REGULAR!
I don't think I ever mentioned him raping anyone, just that your definition of 'love' was fucked up. Apparently, your definition of 'dating' is as well.
It doesn't matter if it's willing because in the end, you made the Mane 6 and Princess Celestia into a group of whores. A group of very one dimensional, irritating, apparently perpetually-drunk whores. You destroyed every manner of characterization that made them relateable, and no amount of backstory for 'pRince' Martin Willis could possibly account for that. Unless, you know, everybody was under his mind control.
But that's crazy!
Sentience implies emotion. This emotion changes like a human's. They shift emotions according to situations, they think like we do, they act like we do. When something insulting occurs, they get mad. When somepony dies, they get sad. When someone is killed in front of them, they become vengeful.
They aren't that different from you and I. As a wise man once said, "You're not writing about ponies, but people who just happen to have hooves, and wings or a horn."
EQUESTRIA. E. QUESTRIA. Not an A, you use an E.
Their society does not run on easily gained love and easily made sex. Remember the Hearts And Hooves episode? How Cheerilee and Big Mac didn't immediately connect? It's because they don't really connect.
Love is very finicky and takes a lot of time to build, but that's what makes a great story. You've got two starstruck lovers sitting on a hill, looking out across the sweeping fields in the twilight hour as Celestia's Sun and Luna's Moon hang on both sides of the horizon. The lovers look to each other, thoughts swirling in their heads; their fear of the other's rejection, the connection to the one beside them, trying to decide if they should lean in and solve their worries. This is what makes a GOOD STORY! Internal strife, the reader screaming at them "KISS THE FOOL! KISS!", yet in the end, they don't, and the reader is left with anticipation and want; they want the relationship to work out.
With an excellent clopfic, this is the kind of emotion you stir up. You incite arousal, you create emotion, you touch the reader's heart and pull at its strings. You play the person like a fine-tuned instrument, weaving them through your story like the gentle notes of an orchestra. An artform, that is romance.
Friends are easy to make, soulmates not so much. Martin Willis is neither of these things starting off, yet you jump straight to the whore-making. Starting to see the issues now?
You have a very interesting mind, because I wouldn't think any of that. I'm a brony, yet I don't want a pony to suddenly appear in my life. Why? Let me count the ways...
1) It's an alien. Aliens are completely unknown to us.
2) They can use magic. What do I do if I piss off a unicorn?
3) They possibly use a different language. How can I communicate?
4) They're part of a different culture. What if I offend them? What's their retaliation?
5) THEY SUDDENLY APPEARED NEXT TO ME. HOW THE FUCK DID IT GET THERE?
Those, and many more questions would be swirling in my mind like a bad movie plot. I wouldn't immediately consider them a friend, I'd consider them something to ease in to.
So if a pony was banished to Earth, you wouldn't feel bad? You don't 'own' a friend, an Equestrian isn't a pet.
If your mom saw an Equestrian in your keeping, I don't think she'd be worried about it pooping on the floor. At least, that wouldn't be one of her 500 first thoughts.
God, I had so much more written down here...ah well, at least it's done. Gonna drop some more tips here:
1) Like I said before, stop writing clop for the time being. You're horrible at it. I'm also terrible at writing clop, but I'm still building my skills to write that eventual romance story. Gotta build my skill at making the feels, oh so many feels.
2) Get yourself a proofreader. Like I already said, applejackisbestpony is BRILLIANT. He is hands down one of the best editors I've ever seen, and he did work with you in the past. Not only that, but you're friends out there in the world. He only wants to help you improve, so why should you be scared of that?
3) Fix up your commenting. I can barely understand what you're writing, and the fact you're using so many adjectives makes it more difficult. Comment as if you were in front of me and speaking to me; what would you say and how would you say it?
Then, simply format that into proper sentences, and you have a proper comment.
What else...hmm...suppose that's it...now then, time to copy this so I don't lose it again.
1356834 Holy mother of...
lol apple short u r a genius!
All these haters n their picky problems. lol keep it up!!!!
This needs to be canon.
But, in all seriousness, this is fucking terrible.
1356881
lel broder u shud jooin da aunti bronie destryers so wei can
kil dem all right naohere
1356881 I refuse to believe you could even understand this story.
Okay. Here's a challenge. Name one story you've read and enjoyed with more likes than dislikes. Because I'm convinced you might be raiding our folders and leaving positive comments on our featured fics.
1356953 lol what? speak english!
1356955 its just a rndom story in pony ville? its funny because they try to get a percing and its really hard too!
1356973 From what I could pick out through the horribly broken English, the piercing was barely even an issue. The whole point was Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie edging ever closer to having lesbian sex.
And you failed to meet my challenge.
You need to break up your paragraphs, and when Rainbow dash & Pinkie Pie speak, they need to be broken up too. Otherwise, it is a wall of text that hurts my eyes early in the story.
1361153 Dat flowy mane.
20% of this damn fan fiction is that word.
Also, who would ever get their BOOBS pierced.
You make bad fanfics look like legends.
Disliked and destroyed.
apple shit strikes again!
Barely got halfway through the first paragraph
WTF is this? This is a load of pony feathers!!
1353493 No.You. Don't.
1354129 -Sniff-