Cars are still parked outside. If the rapture had happened, why was it unrecognizable? Why was the sky blue? Why did no one tell me? Do these things not announce themselves?
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Lofty doesn’t reply to that. The sky flashes white and a roar of thunder sweeps them up. “Are you sure you wanna do this?”
“Yes!” Her voice cracks.
“Holly. I don’t think you do.”
“I do.” It comes far weaker this time. Her grip on the wheel falters.
Lofty sighs. She puts a hoof on Holiday’s shoulder. “It’s not too late to turn around,” she whispers.
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I am a bad critic, so I will just leave a like since I found nothing wrong with it. Present continuous is consistent. It's not something I am used to, and I hoped for something with more sailing since nobody writes that here, but that is irrelevant.
I felt a bit detached somehow.
Almost like a screenplay but not quite... There was one specific line I noticed that can't be put on screen.
That's the story in a nutshell. It's tense and sparse but there's nothing Lofty can but wait.
Wow. I'm bad with words, so I'm not going to say anything other than that this is easily one of my favorite stories on this site.
Beautiful, in my opinion. I find it an interesting concept, that Rolling Thunder and Holiday used to date. Not one I'm altogether against, to be honest, I could imagine it
Great story, Red.
This was pretty neat. I never considered Rolling Thunder to be around the age of Scootaloo's aunts, but you managed to use her in an interesting way. The format did a great job showing everyone's emotions.
augh, love the technique with the descwork here, with glints and flashes of detail and color standing in for dialogue tags and characters. i might have to steal this one it's too good!
also too good is describing Holiday as a "pony-pile" from this point, not to mention just the sheer character these lines are stuffed with, argh
yay, the origin of her scarf! love it when the signature piece of clothing of a pony is given meaning in a story, as any proper backstory-filling fanfic does
if you're writing this as a sensible, grounded, reserved mare x ridiculous, flighty, emotional mare pairing because that is exactly the kind of ship i am into then you are succeeding! already hooked on these characters and just what is in their pasts and futures from this little photograph.
augh wish i could write settings like this
oof, i have been there, Lofty! i have been there
and augh, poignance!
love the little Australianisms (Austhaylianisms?) in Holiday's speech, really adds to the texture
and augh, bringing in Rolling Thunder's characterization, and how she and the sister of Shutter Snap would be a seemingly obvious match in terms of personality and lifestyle, at least at first...
dangit Red, you are way too good at shipping! this is Advanced Shipping and i love it
augh. the obvious arc is here, as well as the problems lurking in it. can't wait to see how these elements unfold
hehe it's fun trying to understand dialect through context!
honestly this has to be my headcanon for what Holiday is like now
hey, just because they're in Pony Australia doesn't mean they're upside down!but yes love subtle moments like this!augh just love these lines. halfway between poetry and prose, and really just letting the throughline of the emotional arc following the weather soak into the page
biggest of oofs!
and augh, i don't know how to describe it. this really is just Grade A lesbian drama! Lofty has a right to be frustrated by her friend going back to the same jerk who hurts her, but confronting Holiday like this is definitely colored by her unrequited crush. and Holiday is correct in seeing that, but regifting such a personal gift to someone you know the gifter doesn't like, justified or no, is at the very least thoughtless, and i can definitely see Holiday just not thinking of that until it was pointed out. all of it feels ripped straight from the pages of life, or something. just fantastic work here
augh, this line is so true that it is painful to read
and this is so true as well. this is shame and cognitive dissonance, because Holiday knows she can’t justify this to Lofty, and could only go through with something that is so obviously a bad idea if she only has herself to talk to. her then flailing out to blame Lofty for “ruining it” is just so on-point.
and augh.
love the subtle note it ends on. not quite the visceral catharsis that a lesser writer would think is obligatory here, and in fact deliberately avoiding that by turning away from the storm, all metaphor-like.
there’s a lot of blank space between here and where we see them in their canon appearance, and i just love that. a lot of room to age and grow into each other in Pony Australia, before finding themselves settling in Equestria for reasons that have nothing to do with Rolling Thunder (which must have been a story in it of itself!). and speaking of, it’s really neat how Rolling Thunder does not make a single appearance in this fic despite her being so important to it. a third planet in this system, detected only through its gravity well
i just can’t say enough good things about this story. loved the beauty of its prose, the characters, and the emotionally complex relationship between them. the way that it paints its setting with a fraction of the wordcount and so much more mood and atmosphere than most fics manage. this might be my favorite story i’ve read from you so far, and that’s saying a lot given the competition there. thank you so much for writing this!
I can see why you won. Incredible density of storytelling, small scenes coming together to be vastly greater than the sum of their parts. As Bicyclette noted, Rolling Thunder only being seen in the negative space of the story was a bold and very effective move. Thank you for this, and congratulations.
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:D Thank you!
I've mentioned it several times now but the story came to me with the idea of Rolling and Holiday being in a toxic relationship only for Rolling to suddenly reappear at the end of the story to reveal that Lofty was with Holiday now. Ultimately though the ending felt too wrong for the story so I made the decision to leave her out of it completely, I'm happy to hear it paid off!