Over It

by delusionalism

How many nights have I drowned here?

Sweetie Belle lay on the couch, staring listlessly out the window. She knew Rarity stood in front of the couch, staring at her, looming over her, imposing as always. She didn’t need to look, because this had played out again and again and again and again and again

“Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie didn’t respond.

“Sweetie Belle, please look at me.”

Sweetie Belle didn’t move a single disgusting atrophied muscle.

“What happened to you?”

There was a bird outside the window, perched on a tree branch. It looked like a crow, or maybe a raven. Sweetie was tempted to zap it with her magic for how disgustingly cliche it felt right now.

“You used to be so happy all the time.”

But that would take too much work, so Sweetie just laid there, staring at it.

“You’re so smart and so talented. You have so much potential.”

“Had,” Sweetie responded, finally breaking her silence.

“Why do you squander every opportunity you’re given? We all try so hard to help you.”

“I’m beyond help.”

“You just lay here all day. You don’t go outside. You don’t do anything inside.”

Outside the crow sat there, now joined by some of its brethren. They all stared at her no they stared through her her soul was bared to them they saw it all

“I’m getting sick of it. We’re all getting sick of it, Sweetie. There’s only so much we can take.”

Sweetie was trapped in a prison it was a prison life was a prison there was no escape she was stuck stuck in a body stuck in a mind there was nothing she could do

“Something has to give, Sweetie.”

“It’s always the same.”

“What is?”

“Everything. I always repeat my mistakes. I never learn. I always fail, I always give up, I always squander every chance I get.”

“It’s your fault. You can’t pin this on anyone else.”

The sky opened up like a great rift in reality and yet rain poured down everything was soaked flooded she would drown soon she would sink beneath the tides

“You know this is on you.”

“I do.”

“This can’t be your life.”

“It is, though.”

“It can’t be forever. Something has to give.”

Sweetie’s heart clenched in her chest it was a heart attack no just panic just panic justpaniconlypanicnotheartattackshewasfinefinefinefine

“I’m a coward. I can’t do basic tasks without feeling like I’m dying. I’m dying right now but I keep living.”

“But this isn’t living.”

there is nothing
the world is an empty cup
that when you tip it over
spills

i am an empty container
that, when you drop it on the floor,
shatters
and spills her blood

“The world is ending right outside this window right now. It always is.”

“It isn’t.”

The world was bright and happy and not for her. Ponies walked around and smiled and the rain never touched them, crows never looked at them.

“This is your problem, Sweetie, you always make excuses. You always try to justify your actions, your inactions, and push the blame off onto other ponies, but you’re the reason you feel like this.”

Words collected on the tip of Sweetie’s tongue but they did not spill out, she swallowed and ate them.

“You’re selfish. You act as if your pain is some holy act of martyrdom, but it’s just pain. You act as if other ponies are to blame for the consequences of your own actions, but they aren’t. You know they aren’t.”

“I’m just a coward.”

“You’re just a coward.”

“I know.”

tear open your jaw
look down inside yourself
see what you really are
see what you really deserve

“You’re a leech, too. I have to provide for everything you have, everything you do.”

“I’m a parasite.”

“You need to get a job.”

“How?”

For once, Rarity is the one who fell silent. Thunder crashed outside, trees burned, world reduced to ashes.

“I can’t perform basic pony functions. Even if I had employable skills, who wants to hire somepony who can’t even shower everyday?”

“I’m sick of wasting my money on you.”

The crows were dead they were rotting their corpses were still staring at her through her ripping her soul in twain

“This can’t be your life. Something has to give.”

It was always the same. This sea was too familiar. Sweetie sighed.

“I’m over it.”

The door to Carousel Boutique opened with its characteristic ringing bell, and Sweetie finally looked away from the window. Rarity was walking in with a multitude of bags and packages floating in her magic. Sweetie could tell it was putting a strain on her (it was her fault she didn’t go help Rarity who knows how long she was struggling to carry this all and she didn’t help), so she forced herself off the couch and grabbed half of the items in her own magic.

“Welcome home, Sis.”

Rarity smiled at her. “Oh, thank you Sweetie! You’re so kind. Let’s take these up to my work room, hmm?”

Sweetie nodded and followed Rarity up the stairs (and she wasn’t kind she was selfish a parasite worthless trash) and set the bags down where Rarity directed.

Rarity wiped her brow. “Thank you very much for your help. Why, without it I don’t even want to imagine how many trips I would’ve had to take up the stairs to bring everything up here.”

Sweetie Belle awkwardly chuckled. “Oh, it was nothing.” (Because she was nothing absolutely nothing scum of the earth Celestia should strike her down for her sins Rarity deserved not to have a filthy leech for a sister

“Sweetie Belle? Are you alright?”

Sweetie Belle glanced at Rarity, but quickly averted her eyes from the concerned expression she saw. “Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.”

Rarity hugged her, and Sweetie had to fight the urge to shake her off and run away. “I will always be here for you, no matter what, okay? I love you, and nothing will change that.”

“I know,” she lied.

Comments

[Boltstrike58]

Wow, that's pretty dark.

[overdue]

I was worried that this would be about a time loop where the looper goes insane, but it looks like it's about being depressed and stuck in a cycle of inaction, very relatable for me. this quote especially

“Everything. I always repeat my mistakes. I never learn. I always fail, I always give up, I always squander every chance I get.”

The bit about struggling to complete a simple task, also relating to that
I can't relate to the 'thinking others hate me' part though. The unpunctuated poems about ripping and tearing were pretty distracting, but that's just standard issue for these types of mental illness stories ig

[Seer]

This was really haunting stuff
The format was lovely, marking a very deftly executed forray into more vibey territory than I often see you play in
I've mentioned before that I love your poetry so seeing it so amazingly integrated here was a treat
It's an odd one to say I liked, because I did love it but at the same time it's harrowing stuff. I think you get what I mean in any case though.
Great work!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh my. I hope this wasn't autobiographical.

Great reveal at the end. There are few things more terrible than what we fear those close to us truly think of us. The slipping into poetry was an interesting touch as well, saying a lot about this Sweetie's mental state not just in the verse but in how her mind goes there at all.

I wasn't sure about this one at first, but that ending really made it work. Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.

[Bicyclette]

Sweetie Belle didn’t move a single disgusting atrophied muscle.

augh love how full of self-hatred this is

Outside the crow sat there, now joined by some of its brethren. They all stared at her no they stared through her her soul was bared to them they saw it all

the repetition of "her" caused me to do a double-take which was a great way to start breaking the grammar for artistic purposes

Sweetie was trapped in a prison it was a prison life was a prison there was no escape she was stuck stuck in a body stuck in a mind there was nothing she could do

too relatable to a certain part of my mind that i don't let out too often; this really captures that feeling of it. there's nothing specific about Sweetie's life that she is bringing up here because what she is talking about is inescapable in any finite life

there is nothing
the world is an empty cup
that when you tip it over
spills

i am an empty container
that, when you drop it on the floor,
shatters
and spills her blood

love it

Words collected on the tip of Sweetie’s tongue but they did not spill out, she swallowed and ate them.

might need to steal this line for myself later, it's too good

“You’re selfish. You act as if your pain is some holy act of martyrdom, but it’s just pain. You act as if other ponies are to blame for the consequences of your own actions, but they aren’t. You know they aren’t.”

“I’m just a coward.”

“You’re just a coward.”

“I know.”

and oof, self-hatred about one's own self-hatred, exactly the way it feels

(it was her fault she didn’t go help Rarity who knows how long she was struggling to carry this all and she didn’t help)

this is the kind of thought i used to have a lot growing up and in my twenties, that scrupulosity

Rarity hugged her, and Sweetie had to fight the urge to shake her off and run away. “I will always be here for you, no matter what, okay? I love you, and nothing will change that.”

“I know,” she lied.

and augh, this twists the knife so beautifully! the gulf between the sweetness of the moment and Sweetie Belle's endurance of it, Rarity being her perfectly Rarity self, all of it is just so good.

---

this was an amazing work! loved everything about it. that self-hatred, reading the worst interpretation into every interaction and everything about oneself, feeling unable to do even basic things, and that meta-self-hatred of none of this even being novel or difficult to get over, fueling the self-hatred even more, all of it so very on-point, with great imagery and poetry throughout. thank you for this!

[Loganberry]

Hello! Have a review. One of those fics I am glad I read, but am also glad I won't have to read again. That's a compliment as to the impact it has, though it's the polar opposite of fluffy. Upvoted, and well done on the honourable mention!