• Member Since 29th Apr, 2020
  • offline last seen Last Monday

Void Streak


i like reading and my favourite ponies are rainbow dash and scootaloo

T

When ponies start to find out that Scootaloo has been stealing from them, she begins to get shunned and outcasted. Not even giving her a chance to explain herself. Scootaloo ends up getting expelled from school and even her own friends kick her out of the cutie mark crusaders. Rainbow Dash not wanting to be associated with a thief, starts avoiding Scootaloo. Depressed and alone she starts to get angry at the rest of the world. On one fateful night she ends up getting visited by the nightmare...

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 21 )

is this going to be long or short

also this is really good so far

Wow, this is a harsh AU you're setting up. I'm not sure what difference there will be between the Nightmare and regular ponies of Ponyville, but I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

11240361
going to be honest I haven't really decided how long its going to be

Poor Scootaloo. Looking good.

The punctuation is a lot better, but you need to put:
A period [.] at the end of a sentence.
A comma [,] before a quote, and at the end of a quote that is a statement or phrase. (You are already using question marks [?] and exclamation marks [!] well)
A dash [—] at the end of a quote when the character was interrupted by something.

11240796
thanks for the advice

Really enjoying the story so far.❤️:scootangel:

Ehhh.

It feels way too rushed.

Because Applejack and Miss Cherilee, before jumping to conclusions, would ask themselves 'Why did she steal?'
Applejack would consult with Twilight, and her friends first. Get opinions and try to speak to her with a more gentle approach.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle? They would speak to her regardless of what their sisters say, because they are very close friends. Enough to understand that Scootaloo would not do that without a reason. Something that forced her to do that.

and Miss Cherilee? Don't you think she would ask about her parents? or contact her 'tutor'? Scootaloo would be forced to tell her about her situation. And being a teacher, Miss Cherilee would look for a solution instead of getting all 'GET OUT THIEF'.

I'll keep reading, but I still think it's too rushed, and many characters are getting a bit ooc (out of character.)

I understand how Nightmare is managing to manipulate Scootaloo. She's very damaged and vulnerable right now.

I want to see how are you going to portray the rest of the mane six. I mean one of them must use her brain and start asking important questions like 'why did she steal'.

Feels rushed. Other than that, it's good.

"Fine, thief" with that Dash walked of leaving Scootaloo alone, who was trying to stop herself from crying.

"Fine, thief!" with that, Dash walked off, leaving Scootaloo alone, who was trying to stop herself from crying.

Hmm...sorry but I have to agreed with the others. This feels very rushed. Slow down a bit. Allow more room for both the story and characters to develop. Don't be afraid to make a chapter 2k words or more long to tell the main plot. :trixieshiftleft:

Man when this is all over everyone better come up with the BIGGEST apology imaginable to Scoots.

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