I Miss You Every Day
"I miss y'all every day."
Apple Bloom sat down in front of a familiar tree. It was barely known to her, yet so familiar. It evoked so many emotions in her; melancholy, sadness, longing. And yet, it also brought her happiness, joy, hope. Feelings that coalesced into a strong sense of nostalgia.
Sour, yet sweet all the same.
"I often wonder how different things would be if you were here, I like to think what you'd tell me when I'm feeling down, how you'd celebrate my successes. You taught me so much in your own ways and even now you still teach me, even though you're not here." Apple Bloom sighed, sadness pouring from her voice but a smile remained glued to her face. "I wonder how things would be if you hadn't left."
Apple Bloom wiped at her eyes with her foreleg, cleaning her cheeks before new tears streaked down them again. "I wonder if y'all can see me wherever you are. I don't think about you every moment but I know I miss you every day." Apple Bloom sniffled, her smile never faltering. "I wonder if you're proud of me, of the things I've done, the things I've said, the things I wanna do. Of my choices, of my mistakes, the friends I’ve made."
A heavy sigh followed those words, and Apple Bloom could feel how heavy her heart got.
“I regret not saying goodbye. I was too young to understand, to comprehend. I was hopeful, I guess. Back then, I didn’t know an illness could take you away the way it did you and I will always regret not saying goodbye, not taking it seriously. But I can’t blame myself too much, you know? I was young and naïve, I didn’t know better. Even then, it’s something that’ll always bother me, something I wish I hadn’t done. A mistake I can’t fix.”
“But you wouldn’t want me to think like that, you’d tell me that’s just foolish and wrong, that that’s not how things happened. That I shouldn’t blame myself, that I shouldn’t… But I miss you, you know? There’s not a moment when you are not in my mind, even when I’m not actively thinking about you, everything reminds me about you. The books I read, the things I do, the things my friends do. Everything in my life reminds me of you.”
“I love you, I love you so much and I never told you those words.”
Tears ran down Apple Bloom’s cheeks, running all the way to her chin and dripping onto the grass.
“I love you and I was too young to know what those words meant, really meant. You are probably the best part of my family, the one part I love the most, the one part I want the most. And I never told you just how much you meant to me, how much the things you did for me, the things you said to me, how much all of it meant to me and I’ll never have that chance now.”
Apple Bloom smiled again, wiping her eyes clean with her other foreleg.
“But I guess that’s why I’m here, right? Because I hope you are listening, right here and now I hope, I know you are listening to me. You’re watching over me, guiding me.” Her smile grew wider as tears continued to cascade. “I like to think you became my conscience, that little voice in my head that tells me right from wrong. That way I feel like you’re always with me.”
And she sighed again, her chest deflating as her ears fell flat against her head.
“When I was younger, I used to have dreams about you almost every night. I felt like you were still there, like you would eventually come back. Like the fact you were gone was a nightmare that I’d soon wake up from.” Apple Bloom chuckled. “But that wasn’t true, at least not the part about it being a nightmare. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wish this was the dream. That I would get to wake up and you’d be there with me, that we can talk like we used to, that we can play like we used to.”
Apple Bloom choked on her own words, sniffling down hard.
“That we can be together again.”
Silence reigned for a moment or two before Apple Bloom spoke again. “I miss you. I always miss you. Every day of my life I miss you. I will never forget you but, I don’t remember things about you anymore. I don’t know what you sounded like anymore, I don’t remember what you smelt like anymore. I have to keep looking at your pictures to remind myself what you look like, I keep telling myself the stories of the things we did together, I tell them to others, to my friends, my family. I want to remember you, forever; and it scares me to think I will forget details about you, things you did for me, things I did for you, things we did together, things you told me about, things I told you about.”
Tears splashed against the grass. The smile was gone.
“It terrifies me, it does. I don’t want to forget you, I don’t want to ever, ever forget you. You mean a lot to me, even to this day you are the thing I love the most. I’m just mad at myself for not realising that sooner, for not telling you sooner. For not being there more for you, for not loving you more.”
Apple Bloom stood up and smiled again. “But I’ll never forget you, I know I won’t. I can’t forget you, because you are who I love the most. You’re not here right now, but you’re always with me, you’re always there, I know you are, you’re always watching me, keeping me safe, keeping me on the right path. Y’all raised a good daughter and you should be proud, wherever you are. Because I’m proud of you, proud of who you are, proud of who you were and I always will be.”
Apple Bloom closed her eyes and sighed.
“I always ask myself if you are proud of me. Because I’m afraid of you not being, not liking what I’ve become, who I’ve become. But I know you would support me, you always did. You were always, always there for me and I can’t thank you enough. I love you, I always will.”
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Cool story.
Beautiful!
The rawness comes through beautifully. To paraphrase something I heard once: Pain is opposite joy on the coin of love.
11092507
11092577
Thank you, I wrote this on a whim, just feelings I needed to let out. I like that quote, I'm going to adopt it, thank you.
Oh Apple Bloom, sweet filly
Vulnerability is hard. The way Apple Bloom forced a smile for as long as possible, repeats the positives for each negative, strikes me as genuine. Take care during the holidays, friend.
I wrote a story once, inspired by Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay, it was written shortly after my grandfather had a massive heart attack. It was a sort of ‘what if’ thing, wondering what would’ve happened if he died after that. He isn’t dead, and is in fact alive and well, and that’s part of the reason why I think that story fell flat, because it didn’t happen.
Sure, I was interjecting my feelings, but they weren’t real and tangible, I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone super close to me.
You clearly do.
One of the biggest arguments I have with myself when writing stories like this is, is this too much of a blog post? I’m so concerned with writing a story that is actually a story that I don’t stop and think about what the story could be if it was raw and unedited.
I love this story, because it’s raw. You’re clearly writing this from a place very close to you, and it comes off fantastically. So, good job on writing what I wish I could’ve years ago.
11093119
To me, it's not smiling through the pain, it's embracing both. It hurts that he's gone, but I'm thankful he was here to begin with. Apple Bloom's smile is true because she loved her parents, but her pain about losing them is also true. It parallels how I feel about my grandfather.
Thank you, I hope you have a Happy Hearthswarming
11093123
I didn't know what it was like to lose someone like this until I was much older. I was 9 when my grandfather passed away and back then, while I missed him, I didn't think of him as I do now. I didn't think about him the way I do now. It's rough, but it's bittersweet in a way, too. It's hard to put in words, so that's why I wrote this without giving much thought and just letting feelings flow.
I'm happy to see that this little thing resonated with others. Thank you all.
11093737
Yup, pretty much the whole reason I wrote this fic is because of this song. It shows, really. It reminded me of my own feelings for my grandfather so I used that to channel them.
Jyc Row is just amazing like that.
full of emotion, as I expected. You can definitely feel it while reading it, and even though you say its raw and unedited, i think that adds to it. thanks for writing