This is one of my entries into the StarTrixMaud Shipping Contest. It fell out of my head in a couple days and I like it. Hopefully you like it too.
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- Member Since 15th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen April 18th
n3k1dsk1llz
This chapter of my life has ended. It was wonderful and I grew so much from it. If you enjoy my stories, that makes me happy. They will be here for as long as this site is still up. Good Bye :D
n3k1dsk1llz
Joined 15th Jul, 2014 ·
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Nice attempt at a StarTrix fic, but I felt it was a bit lackluster. Right off the bat, I noticed a large amount of mechanical problems (punctuation, capitalization, etc); you might want to spend a little more time proofreading in the future. Also, using all caps for word emphasis is distracting; try using italics if you really feel the need to do that. Manually stretching out certain words to reflect pronunciation ("Grrreat and Powerful Trrrrixie") is also unnecessary. We've all watched the show; we all know how Trixie pronounces that. Lastly, try to use longer, more detailed sentences more often. There is a time and a place to use short sentences, but you used them so often here that it felt a bit jarring.
Regarding the story itself, it felt much too short for everything you were trying to squeeze in, making it feel rushed. The best example of this is when their milkshake somehow melts in the span of just a minute or two due to how short their conversation is. There were some cute moments in there, but the whole thing really needed to be padded out with some more dialogue and more description of events. If you had spent a few more days fleshing this out a bit, I bet it could have been a good fic, but as it is, I can't say I find it that remarkable.
10947862
Noted.
Everything is noted.
My brain actually told me the milkshake thing was off. I should have listened.
Thank you for taking the time to share. Truly.
I've been trying to get back on the saddle and improve my writing again so your feedback is definitely being taken to heart.
My one question though: sometimes Trixie really draws it out and rolls her Rs. Sometimes she doesn't. I was trying to depict the former. How would you suggest differentiating between the two?
10948083
Context goes a long way towards letting an audience know how lines are delivered. We, the audience, know that Trixie adds a flourish to her delivery when she's trying to build herself up, so we will assume she's doing that when she's in that sort of situation. Conversely, when she's speaking more casually, she doesn't do that, which the audience will also assume. If you really think that context isn't enough in a certain situation, just use said tags to make explicit how grandiose her delivery is.
thanks for entering! added to the contest folder
this is exactly the kind of Trixie thing i'd expect Trixie to pull on a date, very cute!
aww!
and of course, Trixie and Starlight would not be themselves if they did not manage to inconvenience Twilight in some way, a great way to end any StarTrix date
11006892
Trixie's street magic scene was the most natural for me to write. Everything just flowed from that point forward in the story.
And yes...I couldn't stop giggling at the idea of Twilight hearing them