Rainbow Dash had a choice. She could've either gone for the Wonderbolts, or made friends. After choosing the former, she looks back on the decision with regret.
Cover image by DabuPL.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 28th, 2017
Puppo530
I write things. I hope you like the things. I know I do.
Puppo530
Joined 7th Mar, 2012 ·
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cool story bro
So, Rainbow, what have we learned?
Never join the Wonderbolts.
Right, your goal in life will destroy your life.
All jokes aside, this was a really sad fic. Nice work.
I have to say, I don't usually read the new updated stories unless they have a good rating (I know that's a bit mean of me not giving stories the benefit of the doubt) but this story drew my eye.
An Interesting concept for a short story, I must say done very well in my opinion.
But I pose a conundrum to ya, Who is the element of loyalty in this universe? (Sorry, but someone was gonna ask sooner or later, lol, you don't have to answer that question.)
Anyway, This story is really good, Good Job, Thumbs Up, Favorited.
I did not know that about Robert Frost. And we studied that poem in high school. You think they would have told us something like that.
I don't usually see all that much point in sad fics, because it doesn't show someone or somepony overcoming their problems, but I liked your depiction. I especially liked the sentence: "As she went back to bed, she once again wished that she had friends instead of a ticking clock running her life"
Well, it's reviewing time!
Honestly, I expected a lot more out of this. Don't get me wrong, it isn't bad. It just isn't... much. I mean, half the story is the poem and author notes. I just think you could have done a lot more with this idea and shown how Dash's lack of friendship has made her different from the Dash we know from the show.
However, what you have is great and does convey some emotion. I thought the poem was used fairly well (though including the whole thing was a bit much), and it left me with the feeling that Dash really does have a hole in her life. It just didn't come across as that big of a hole, or at least not as big as I was expecting.
But, hey, maybe that's what you get for going into a fanfic with high expectations. Hope this helps. In the meantime, I have a train to catch.
I really like that poem; it's one of the few I can recite entirely from memory.
As for the story: It's an interesting idea, but it's not really developed in any way. It's just asking the reader to imagine RD without friends. There's no real plot to speak of and there's only the barest hint of any characterization. When RD cries, I feel nothing, really. There's nothing outright wrong with this story; it's just rather empty.
1244941
I just thought that Celestia would actually have to do it again (Celestia actually having to save the world? Impossible!).
1244992
Thanks for the reviewing. I agree that it doesn't have... 'enough', if you get what I'm saying.
1245183
I think being "empty" is something that is outright wrong with it.I also agree that it's "empty" (see above sentence). Thanks for the review.I now know that if I want to write an even sadder story, I make you actually like the character, and then kill them off
. This story could've used a few good deaths...
1245415 Well, you don't necessarily need a death. In fact, sometimes its sadder for a character to have to live with her regrets. But hey, whatever you think works.
I typically don't comment when people are generally saying what I'm thinking, but there's a few key points that the other comments aren't quite hitting that I wanted to say. First the points I agree with, an interesting concept (though questions about how RD would have joined the Wonderbolts without even having won the young fliers competition to this point, and how Nightmare Moon is defeated without the element of Loyalty, etc. However, those are secondary to this world), pretty well written overall, and just on the side I agree a lot with your interpretation of the Frost, mostly because it all comes down to how you interpret that sigh in the last stanza. But I digress.
The main issue I see is that we're not given enough to connect with Rainbow's decision and the consequences of it. The Fluttershy conversation makes an attempt at this, but there's nothing shown by Rainbow that anything is actually missed. There's no attempt at reconciling (which could also fail to emphasize it), no remorse shown by Rainbow, nothing that makes us (the readers) feel that it means anything to her. We've nothing to connect to the loss of friendship in that whole conversation, and granted Fluttershy would not likely have a lot to say, especially if Rainbow and 'Shy aren't as close, but the conversation feels stilted and wooden and impersonal without that connection.
The Pre-Sleep paragraph makes a good attempt at trying to get the readers to connect, however its lost in a very clear show vs. tell issue. We never get the emotional investment to justify the "Before falling asleep, Rainbow Dash began to cry." Rainbow hasn't displayed enough emotion to let this conjure a visceral image for us. We're left with a feeling of "Oh well" as we're told that she's crying. A deeper description of how Rainbow breaks down with some sort of build up would help this section immensely.
Again, the build up and showing of the breakdown isn't the only way to handle this. If the bluntness of the "Rainbow began to cry" is something you want to go with, then there has to be a bigger build of what Rainbow thinks she's missing and what it might mean to her so that when the readers arrive at the crying they can connect with what Rainbow is thinking and feeling. To be honest, giving the readers more of that connection would be better, regardless.
Finally, the finality of the last statement is great, but we're not given the consequences she's facing as she sees it. What we have of her consequences is that 1.) she can't make the party Fluttershy invited her to, 2.) and I quote "the life she had chosen for herself". Saying that the consequences of her decision is her life is practically an empty statement and certainly doesn't evoke anything in myself personally. It's simply a true statement. Without any consequences to connect to Rainbow's life, saying that "You can never escape the consequences of your actions" doesn't ring true enough. Heck we've all had to tell a friend at some point, "ooh sorry I can't make that I've got work, or a paper, or a project, or a family trip, or something". So seeing Rainbow turning down a party invite because of her job, a performance no less, is completely reasonable. We, as an audience, know how her life would be had she gone the way of the show. Rainbow does not know this, so the only consequences she can connect with are the ones she imagines for herself. And unfortunately none are described here, so we are left with the impression that Rainbow honestly doesn't care. Which is a legitimate response, but does not evoke sadness nor connect with living with the consequences if you don't think about them and don't care.
Anyways, I just wanted to get a little more specific because the concept is intriguing and there's a lot of potential here. I certainly am not here to dictate how any writer should write. Even if you disagree, which is certainly your right to, I hope that you'll take some of my broader points under consideration, regardless. I think the general critiques warrant some consideration even if you disagree with the specific examples listed.
Best of luck to you.
-Duskrider
A few questions, so she joined the Wonderbolts before she met Twilight and the gang, so why did the primary RD not sign up? I'm sure there was a reason.
Next, who replaced Rainbow during the Nightmare Moon incident?
1268893
Maybe this Rainbow Dash is more determined and more confident in herself. Maybe the primary one did sign up. Who knows? I would like to point out what Duskrider said
.
The other one was answered.
1245818
Wow. Thanks for that review. I will take it into consideration in the future.
1270095
She's the one they had to save. You can't just ignore this shit!
1270418
In many ways you can, because this isn't the story of the Elements of Harmony. It's assumed that the world is saved from Nightmare Moon somehow, either there's another Element of Loyalty or Celestia took control herself or some other such thing (there are some that believe Celestia simply allowed Nightmare Moon to regain power and "imprison her" so that Twilight and her friends could achieve their potential, because Celestia being captured by Nightmare Moon makes little sense as she had 1000 years to prepare for the return). Whatever the case, it doesn't affect the story of this Rainbow Dash, it all takes place completely separate from this storyline. At the end of the day there are millions of ponies that aren't an Element of Harmony that do go about their daily lives, including the Wonderbolts, and there's nothing to say that another embodying the Element of Loyalty wouldn't have arisen or that NM wouldn't have been re-imprisoned or one of a hundred other things. It isn't all that impossible to think that the ponies not going through the specific events would put that much stake in what happened, heck at the GGG the upper class certainly didn't afford the Elements any special deference or even appeared to recognize them, mostly because it barely affected them as we could assume that those events would barely affect RD.
In my opinion anyways, that doesn't require that much suspension of disbelief, simply the recognition that the rules and the history of canon don't apply.
1270095
I hope you found some of what I said helpful, I do try to be constructive.
-Duskrider
1270645
Thank you! Someone understands!
1270418
To provide more backing for Duskrider's comment, here's a quotation from John Green's great book, "The Fault in Our Stars",
In other words: What do you think happened to the whole Nightmare Moon story? Who do you think replaced Rainbow Dash?
In retrospect, this was kind of harsh, but oh well.
Pretty good story. Kind of short, and I think could have used some more build up.
But still a pretty good story.
I think these are the best lines. Maybe because, sooner or later, we all think 'what if?'. Or wish we would have made a different choice, sure that our lives would be better. But would they be?
Eventually this will be put in its own chapter, but I don't want to make people angry at me for spamming their favorites boxes, so it's here for now.
That Has Made All the Difference
IMPROVED VERSION
More info on why it's improved here.
Rainbow Dash gets home from Wonderbolts practice.
Rainbow Dash realizes that she has no friends.
Rainbow Dash cries.
The End
((I hope you guys appreciate all this work I'm putting into improving these old stories for you.))
kind of short but good . wow I could never think of this story you very smart.