Granny Reveals How Pear Butter and Bright Mac REALLY Died

by Nebbie

The Truth You Can't Handle

The sun was setting when Apple Bloom sighed as she put away the last bushel of apples. "So...how did our parents uh...you know?"

Applejack stopped mid-trot and went stiff as a board. "Uh...well...sometimes on the farm, things can be dangerous, ya know? Timberwolves, falling trees, Fluttershy when she finds out ya took care of the rabbit problem with an axe and a stump without askin' her..."

"I know that, but...how? D-did it hurt? Did a dragon just gobble 'em up like pancakes? ...are they buried in a dragon's toilet? If so, we gotta dig 'em up..." Bloom asked while rubbing her chin.

"L-look, let's not talk about this now. We've got a date with an apple pie in the kitchen, and nothing messes more with appetite than a bunch o' mopin' 'bout the past like a widow clutchin' her husband's last kidney stone. You should come along," Applejack replied with a playful bump of her rear against Bloom's side.

"Yeah, I guess...wait, I need to go to Twilight...there's a...book I need to return," Bloom said as she trotted off in the other direction.

"Okay, well don't be too long, we'll save leftovers for ya," shouted Applejack as she jogged along to the house.

---

"So she didn't say anything about how?" Twilight asked.

"Not a word! I'm startin' to wonder if she even knows herself. This is just how it was when Scootaloo asked her how foals are made. You'd think she'd have known it with all the animals we keep," Bloom replied.

"Well you and Fluttershy sure told her...though I think the animal performances were a bit much," Twilight replied with a nervous chuckle.

Spike come over and shuddered. "Ew, don't remind me...anyways, here's the paper from around when they died."

"Hmm, the obituary for them just says they died suddenly on the farm out by themselves. Well that's not helpful, but it means it must've really shook ponies to hear about," Twilight said as she pondered.

"Could it've been a falling tree? AJ always has nightmares about 'em fightin' back one day..." Bloom suggested.

"No, no, the odds of that taking out two ponies at once are extremely low. It has to be something that could surround them... Aha! Predators. There's a ton of things that eat ponies in the Everfree. Maybe Granny Smith didn't want ponies to know how brutal it was or think the farm was unsafe...but what comes into the farm?" Twilight pondered.

"Timberwolves come around durin' Zap Apple season," Bloom answered.

"And I know how dangerous they are," added Spike.

"Well, I think we have our answer for now...I'd love to keep chatting, but that hayburger I had earlier isn't quite agreeing with me," Twilight said as she began to trot off, holding her stomach.

"I told you it looked undercooked. Just be glad I'm a dragon so I don't mind the smell..." Spike said as he crossed his arms.

"Wait, can't ya just help me to confront Granny about it? She's been squirrely on it before and I want closure!" Bloom stated as she grabbed Twilight's tail.

"Alright, I suppose I'll be fine for a little while..." Twilight said nervously.

---

"Granny..." Bloom started as she entered the kitchen, seeing that AJ and Big Mac were gone.

"Oh? Your leftovers are gettin' cold, little filly," Granny said as she cleaned a dish.

"I'm not hungry... You got a minute to talk about my parents...an' how they died?" Bloom asked tenderly.

"Why I uh..." Granny started, setting the dish down.

Twilight cleared her throat as she stepped in. "Um, if it isn't too much of a bother, I really think you should tell her, since we were kind of figuring it out for her, and well, I'm sure the truth will be comforting."

"And I was promised leftover pie," added Spike as he licked his lips.

"Well alrighty then, I suppose it's time ya learned the truth..." Granny started with a sigh as she got a bottle of cider out. "What did ya figure?"

"Oh, it's simple," started Spike. "Timberwolves obviously took them to turn into more Timberwolves by sticking on bits of wood with smelly goop and feeding them to a big Timberwolf to gestate in and be pooped out of as whole Timberwolves, and now they're on the prowl in the Everfree to this very day!" Spike half-shouted before sitting back down on Twilight's rump and smiling nervously.

"Now where in the hay'd ya get that idea? Pfft, they hunted Timberwolves for sport. Nah, what did 'em in was the outhouse," Granny replied as she took a drink of her cider.

"...the...outhouse?" Bloom asked with a slight voice crack.

"Yep," Granny replied bluntly.

"As in...it caught fire from...playing with lighting matches below each other's tails?" Spike asked.

"Oh they loved doin' that, but nah," replied Granny.

"Oh no..." Twilight said as she buried her face in her hooves.

"Drowned in the family's own waste," Granny said dryly.

Before anyone could respond, Granny continued. "See, I kept tellin' Bright Mac that he needed to clean out the pit more often, and that the board was needin' replaced with how rotten it'd gotten, and he jus' wouldn't listen. Then one day Buttercup thinks she can cook better 'an me, an' gives the entire dang family the screamin' trots! You were probably too young to remember, Bloom, but you and your older sister were like sprinklers out sprayin' the farm."

Bloom's eye started twitching as she put a hoof over her mouth.

"Anyways, so your parents decided to just share the one hole and tried to make it all 'romantic' and whatnot, an' when AJ finally checked the outhouse, she looked down that hole and found your father's hat floatin' just above your parents. That's why she wears it and some cheap copies of it to this very day," Granny finished.

"Well...that was...a story," Spike said to break the silence as he grabbed a piece of pie and shoveled it down before burping.

Bloom looked at Spike eating with her mouth agape and her tongue twisted out in disgust.

"Uh, well, on the bright side, I guess maybe they...had time to share a last kiss?" Twilight said as she finally took her hooves off her head.

"Oh yeah, when we pulled 'em out, it looked like they had...'course, that's probably what actually killed 'em, seein' as they could've kept their heads above it and instead opened wide and got their mouths and lungs full. Sorry to say, but they weren't exactly the smartest bunch," Granny replied.

Bloom dry-heaved.

"Well...I think we've satisfied our curiosity. If you don't mind, I really need to use the restroom and it's nearing Spike's bedtime, so we'll be heading home," Twilight said as she turned to trot out.

"Oh nonsense, we've got a perfectly good outhouse out there! It ain't like we never repaired it," Granny insisted.

"Uh, well...I uh..." Twilight started, only to be interrupted by a short, loud, high-pitched sputter from her rear, making her blush.

Spike briefly paused eating another slice of pie, then turned his head around and sniffed the air a bit. "Twilight, it doesn't sound or smell like we're getting back to the castle to me without a little pit stop..."

"Darn tootin'!" Granny added with a chuckle.

Bloom held her nose and again dry-heaved. "I just had to ask..."

Comments

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

That was insane. Ioved it. :D

[Uzume Tennouboshi]

This reminds me of a pizza cutter. It's edgy and doesn't have a point.

[The Blue EM2]

That was weird

[Nebbie]

10896282
It's a joke, based on musings of alternative ways beyond the obvious "eaten by Timberwolves" idea of how the parents could've died. The point is to be funny.