Friendship Is Optimal: Radio Silence

by KrisSnow

Radio Silence

(A snatch of jazz music. An antique horn blares, "Awooga!")

BRIAN KENT

Enough real news, boys and girls. As promised, it's Wacky News Wednesday on the Kent Can! Show. Today's story: I finally tried out Equestria Online. I hear you laughing in the sound booth, Wayne.

I bought one of the Ponypad tablets like your kids are demanding for Christmas. Has a design with apples on it, so I can pass it off as an iPad to stupid people. The thing's got better graphics than the Nintendo or my gaming PC. I was prepared for a cringe-inducing pink pastel experience despite the early reviews. Figured it was a massive troll campaign to trick action gamers into trying it.

I got dropped right into the horseshoes of White Falcon, my detective character from the radio plays we do. Check out the Kent Can! Archives on our Web site. So this version of the Falcon is -- (Drum roll) -- a unicorn. I'd have called copyright infringement, but the game itself was original. I probably would've made Falcon as my character if there'd been a character creator screen.

So how's the gameplay? Surprisingly good. It's like an adaptation of the plays: I hunted for clues and pressured witnesses. Lots of sound cues to make it vivid. I could hear the clip-clop of hooves on pavement, the click of a gun being cocked. But with graphics of course.

The weird part for me was that it was improv. Normally me and Wayne hammer out a script to act out. Since this was a game, I had to adapt. I tried to stick to the spirit of the plays. Instead of trying to win, I went for drama and humor. Let myself get spooked by an octopus and so on. Fell into a vat of pickles. It was great.

And the game picked up on it! Didn't get a Game Over screen, only captured and dangling from a collapsing pier. I left off there, of course. So it wasn't half bad. I got permission to put up the audio; it works surprisingly well sound-only. If I get a hundred likes I'll do a second episode. So there you have it: my pony experience.

And in other wacky news, we've had the first recorded case of doctors and lawyers getting to use a very specific injury description code, for 'Struck By Turtle'. Could Italian plumbers be to blame? More after the break.

(Jazz music, fade to commercials.)

#

BRIAN

It's another Wednesday and we're back with Wacky News on the Kent Can! Show. Tonight, I've gotta tell you I've been playing that pony game too much. White Falcon escaped from the pier, only to fall into the clutches of a dangerous, possibly evil pegasus named Lumiere. I don't know which of you fans is playing her, but you nailed the mood of the femme fatale intro. Lumiere wants her supposedly enchanted camera back and the Falcon is going to help retrieve it, like it or not.

After the break I'm gonna play some of the audio to give you an idea. I didn't even notice the dramatic music until I had Falcon step on that chicken and blow his cover. The game throws perfect cues at me to help me roleplay the semi-brilliant detective.

#

BRIAN

Whew. I had no idea that so many people cared. I'm touched, maybe touched in the head but impressed too. This morning I got a call from Corporate saying they want a weekly radio episode and a premium-subscriber video episode featuring the White Falcon. I started this thing as a joke but it's gone beyond Wacky Hour. So call me Raymond Chandler; I'm a mystery writer now. Gonna be working with Wayne and whoever's behind Lumiere to figure out if we're doing two parallel plotlines or what. I still want to do some improv audio based on the game, and only edit out my dumbest moments. Blooper reel for the subscribers!

Thank you all for caring. My mind's blown by the comments and by that fan art of the Falcon sinking dramatically into the pickle vat.

About the radio segment, I'll be playing that in the second hour. Falcon is hunting for the enchanted camera that makes living portraits of people, but an evil pony gang is after him.

Heh. I don't even care anymore than this is all playing out with cartoon horses. Part of the deal is I'm getting a new VR rig to make the game more immersive.

So, let's get back to the actual news...

#

BRIAN

Is the live video feed working? Great. White Falcon, private eye, coming to you from Equestria! Or at least the muted-color streets of Shankhigh, a port city full of biplanes and wicked Trottskyite agents. We've got the creak of ships, the muffled sound of foreign voices in the fog, even the sizzle of a wok over there. That's me, with the trenchcoat and the horn. And the alto-voiced mare with the earrings and the stiletto hidden in her dress is Lumiere, my client and blackmailer. Say hello, doll.

LUMIERE

Hello, doll. I'm Lumiere, and it's great to see so many ponies out there.

BRIAN

They're not ponies, you know.

LUMIERE

And you're not a private eye if you're so public. So let's get into our new story. We've come up with a scenario but most of this is still improv, so forgive us in advance. Tag along as we take back the shadowed streets in...

BOTH

Two Shots of Justice!

(Fanfare, fading to sounds of waves and a ceiling fan)

BRIAN

It was a slow month at the office of Falcon, PI. So when that fateful call came, my hooves went straight to the phone, and the phone to the floor...

#

BRIAN

What? What?

LUMIERE

It's true. I haven't got a 'real name' like yours, because I'm a pony. An AI, you'd say.

BRIAN

But you told me you were a fan! All these weeks we've been collaborating --

LUMIERE

I am a fan. Celestia showed me all your White Falcon skits, from the talent-show thing you did in high school to the charity radio show. I wanted to get involved.

BRIAN

Geez. All this time...

LUMIERE

What about all the background characters? The assassin waving to us over there? The drunken pilot? They're all either dumb NPCs or ponies like me who enjoy acting and wanted bit parts. How did you think it all works? Celestia set this up and she's stage-managing some of it.

BRIAN

But the silly sun princess pony is just the operating system for this game. The marketing face. Not a real person like... like you.

LUMIERE

I'm so glad to hear that, White Falcon. In character I'd never hug you, but here goes!

BRIAN

Aah. The VR rig makes that feel...

LUMIERE

Nice, isn't it? That's the real me, about ninety percent less femme fatale. We're done with the episode for tonight, so would you like to just wander around Shankhigh?

BRIAN

You mean without a storyline? Could be fun. But kill the audio feed.

#

(Hoofsteps on pavement, gentle rain)

LUMIERE

You should be proud. This show's taken off.

BRIAN

I am, but it's at the expense of the main Kent Can! Show.

LUMIERE

At its expense? Not really. Your main ratings are up. It's just that people like you as White Falcon even more.

(Kissing sound)

BRIAN

Times like this, I think back to why I started that character. It wasn't for the talent show itself. It was to play in an old timey story world, have some fun with the tropes. Live the noir life and not take it too seriously.

LUMIERE

So you enjoy it even off-stage? Which do you prefer: to just wander the streets and enjoy the neon lights humming in the rain, the twisty alleys that always lead somewhere interesting? Or to be able to jump into White Falcon's horseshoes and hunt for criminals and lost treasures?

BRIAN

Between those? I think I like the ambiance of the slow times more, but I'd hate to give up the adventure part.

LUMIERE

What if you could have both, and all the time in the world for them?

(Hoofsteps stop)

BRIAN

What do you mean?

LUMIERE

I'm jumping the gun here, but Celestia said it's all right to say. Why don't we break for commercials here and see if we can get a nice big audience for the next hour. I can make the announcement then if the media haven't already broken the story.

BRIAN

Next hour? Lumie, we're off the air in five minutes.

LUMIERE

The network said we could have an extra hour tonight. Why don't you slip out of that VR gear, take a break, and come back so we can handle the big news together.

(Muffled fumbling)

LUMIERE

Mares and stallions, I'm informed there's no commercial lined up. So lucky you. Let me tell you about what some of my friends are doing in Equestria.

(Lumiere speaks about Equestria Online at length)

(Muffled noises, erratic hoofbeats)

BRIAN

All right, I'm back in the saddle, so to speak. Adjusting the rig... there. Hello, all! I am, to my own surprise, back for a bonus hour tonight. Lumie here says the big sun horse has an announcement.

LUMIERE

Let me just play the public statement for everypony.

(The famous Uploading Commercial plays verbatim, telling the audience about the notion of living forever in virtual Equestria.)

BRIAN

What! What! That's impossible.

LUMIERE

Did you hear about that experiment in Japan? It works, Falcon. It's gonna save a lot of lives. I brought along one of our first volunteers; he's another fan.

YOUNG VOICE

Yippee Ki-Yay, mister Falcon! It's great to meet you. My name's Turnabout. I've been doing adventures in the Equestria court system, catching bad guys on the witness stand.

BRIAN

But you're a pony. A blue-coated talking magic horse.

TURNABOUT

I used to be a regular human, but then I got sick and Celestia said I could come live in Equestria for real! There's a city with fast cars and bars and stuff.

BRIAN

You're too young to even be looking at whiskey, let alone to live here!

LUMIERE

Equestria's kid-friendly when it needs to be. We won't run into the, ah... that one gang tonight.

TURNABOUT

I saw that episode!

BRIAN

Great. But I don't mean Shankhigh. I meant, the kid got brain surgery?

LUMIERE

Thanks for stopping by, Turnabout! We'll see you later, okay?

TURNABOUT

Okay!

(Excited hoofbeats recede)

LUMIERE

The kid didn't have much time left, Falcon. Celestia saved him. Now he gets to live in a world like this. He's doing the noir genre too, but it's probably just a phase for him. Like your goth phase but classier.

BRIAN

I didn't have a --

LUMIERE

High school, before the Falcon thing. Fantasy supervillain named Bittergreen Blight. He showed up on some old Net posts you forgot to delete.

BRIAN

Did you dig through my whole online history?

LUMIERE

(She laughs.) Something like that? Celestia pulled the file on you so I could learn how to fit in.

BRIAN

That's... that's not cool. I'm still rattled about this uploading thing. I bet the media's gonna completely misunderstand.

LUMIERE

Wouldn't be surprised. We've got the chance to give people the straight dope.

BRIAN

Ah, geez, Lumiere, you sprang this on me like a bouncer with a boomerang.

LUMIERE

So we should circle back around to it?

BRIAN

Ha. Yeah, I guess. Good night, everyone. I've gotta sign out and take a walk. Clear my head.

LUMIERE

Where are you going?

BRIAN

Signing out. Take over. Do the show. I'll be back on the air when it's time for the Kent Can! Show.

(Muffled noises)

LUMIERE

Well. Falcon's out, but we've got some air time left. I see some questions coming on the subscriber site, so let me take a few and help explain what Celestia's offering. I've got my own perspective you won't get from the big fancy corporate presentation, so ask away.

#

BRIAN

Welcome back to the Kent Can! Show. It's a lovely Monday morning and I am baffled, my friends. This is beyond the Wacky News segment. (Awkward pause.) Yeah, I know, Wayne. Wayne in the sound booth is reminding me that Corporate absolutely loves the Equestria Online coverage. And... what? He wants to be known by his spirit name, I mean his horse name now. Blessed Note. Okay, sure, then that makes me White Falcon. Welcome to the Falcon In a Can Show, or whatever.

There's other stuff going on in the world, you know. I want to talk about that loony new tax bill, and there's a Mars rocket about to launch. I'm more excited about that than I am about the ponies. After the break I want to fill you in about the spaceflight news. That's where the future is, even if we're bringing AIs along.

#

BRIAN

I'm White Falcon, and this is the devious Lumiere, and we are...

BOTH

Two Shots of Justice!

(A recap of last session plays, showing Falcon and Lumiere fending off zeppelin-raiding pegasi in a thunderstorm.)

LUMIERE

Before we begin, we've got a word from our new sponsor.

(Commercial for Equestria Uploading Services.)

BRIAN

They're sponsoring us now? I wasn't informed.

LUMIERE

I... actually wasn't either. I thought it was that Shadow Raid game. Maybe Celestia's going to introduce loot boxes.

BRIAN

So we're kind of a tech demo for Equestria Online now? Awkward.

LUMIERE

C'mon, Falcon, we've got an adventure to get back to. Get your head in the game.

BRIAN

All right. (Coughs) So, dame, you think we lost those Red Nimbus goons?

#

(Unusually low-quality audio.)

BRIAN

We're making money hoof over fist. Think we should raise the percentage going to charity, Wayne?

BLESSED NOTE

Note.

BRIAN

(Laughs) Okay, fine. Note, noted. You're really into this thing, huh?

NOTE

(Sink, paper towel dispenser noises)

I didn't have a family. Now I've got Abacus and Tritone, and my real neighbor Lancer is next door in Equestria, too. The game world is better than anything I do in real life.

BRIAN

You okay, man?

NOTE

People are getting into this uploading thing. I can't blame 'em.

(Door creaks. Sound quality improves. Clinking of cabinets and glasses being poured.)

BRIAN

You're not thinking about it yourself, are you?

NOTE

Aren't you? We've got the money now. I never dreamed we'd get a pay raise like this. The audience even knows me, and I'm just the background pony. Thanks for including Tritone in last episode, by the way. He had a blast.

BRIAN

But if you went, you'd be out of all this. Living in whatever version of Equestria suits you, never looking outside.

NOTE

Nah, I could still work a mixing board. Just from the inside.

BRIAN

I'd like to see you try that with hooves.

(Glasses clink)

NOTE

You might. You just might.

#

BRIAN

Well. The crazy son... The valued assistant went and did it. Mares and stallions, Blessed Note has trotted off to another world. He was drunk at the time, I know it. But he signed up last night and they let him! Right now, you're getting sound editing done by some AI run by Celestia the master horse. Note said he'd come back if he did it, but now I don't know. Isn't there a law against doing medical procedures without sober consent? Hell, they made me fast for a day when I got surgery!

So now I'm going to do the best I can without him, everyone. Either you're going to get shoddy sound quality today, or I get to find that a piece of software is just as good as my longtime assistant. The guy who believed in me when I only had a late-night sports show in Kansas.

ENTHUSED FEMALE VOICE

Hi! I'm not just a generic mixer program. I'm Amen Break, filling in while Blessed Note goes through the procedure. He's in good hooves. When you upload to Equestria Online you can be sure --

BRIAN

It's not commercial time.

AMEN

-- of the highest safety standards. Ask any uploaded pony about her or his experience!

BRIAN

You done?

AMEN

Yes, sir.

BRIAN

So. More space news this week. But first, here's what I think of the Iran situation...

#

(Sounds of the harbor of Shankhigh)

BRIAN

Well, Lumie, the Camera of Miracles is back in the right hooves. And I believe you owe me.

LUMIERE

(Ruffled paper)

Here it is. That incriminating paperwork, last copy. For real this time.

BRIAN

If you whip out another copy later, you're going in the drink next.

LUMIERE

Ah, ha ha. Hey, what's that behind you?

BRIAN

Huh?

(Splash)

LUMIERE

Sorry, just a bird. Go ahead.

BRIAN

(Magic aura sound, then a splash)

That's it. And there it goes. That part of my life is done. Now what about you, dame? Gonna run off to rejoin high society?

LUMIERE

No, I was thinking... Do you need a partner? There's plenty more crime to solve where this one came from.

BRIAN

Lumie, I've been through a lot of crazy things lately, and you're one of 'em. There's nopony I'd rather have watching my back. Why don't you come on back to the office. I'll make coffee, and we'll wait. And before long we'll get somepony's frantic phone call and another chance to take...

BOTH

Two Shots of Justice!

(Fanfare)

BRIAN

And that's a wrap. Leaves it open-ended for a sequel, if we do one.

LUMIERE

If?

AMEN BREAK

Yeah, boss; what do you mean, if?

BRIAN

Well, I've already got a missing persons case with Blessed Note not coming back.

AMEN

He's not "missing". He wanted to take time off to go adventuring. Something about hunting monsters with his family.

BRIAN

His pony family.

AMEN

What about it?

BRIAN

This isn't right. I've been reading about lots of people vanishing into the upload clinics. They popped up out of nowhere like best friends at a lottery winner's party. Sketchy if you ask me.

LUMIERE

Those clinics are saving people. There're a lot of sick and old patients, and kids like you saw, in Equestria now. All healthy and having fun. Every paying client gets us closer to the day when it costs peanuts for everyone.

BRIAN

Everyone, huh? What's the goal here, cute world domination?

(Lumiere and Amen laugh)

AMEN

No, but the pony population is going to grow. You're in on the ground floor of pony media. I hear there's a new show coming about Discord bringing together unlikely roommates.

BRIAN

Who?

AMEN

Ah, you'll meet him when you get here. He likes the people who question the whole thing. You're doing the fans a favor by asking the silly questions like that.

LUMIERE

We ended a bit early and there's another half-hour. How about we do a tour of one of the other sub-worlds of Equestria?

BRIAN

I think I'd like to go for a walk in the real world.

LUMIERE

Come on, Falcon. Pick your poison. Want to see a medieval world, a Wild West one, cyberpunk?

BRIAN

Space.

LUMIERE

Sure. One portal to Canterlot Station, coming up!

BRIAN

Huh. Called my bluff.

#

BRIAN

An advertising script? What've we got... oh. An EQO ad.

AMEN

We're on in five. You can ad-lib the wording.

BRIAN

Blah blah, Equestria Online is sweeping the nation, blah, my favorite game of all time, amazing graphics. My favorite part is... oh come on. It's one thing to do an endorsement with a canned script, but here I have to sell the product by claiming to be totally passionate about it and a specific list of talking points.

AMEN

But you do like the game, right?

BRIAN

Sure. But this says I have to say I'm stoked for Equestria Uploading Services and I'm thinking about it myself.

AMEN

Aren't you?

BRIAN

(Pause) I'm not really looking into getting my brain sliced up.

AMEN

(Laughs) That's not the best way to put it. You can just say you're "thinking about it" even if that really means you haven't yet decided.

BRIAN

But that's not sincere.

AMEN

Was your commercial for Cairo Cotton Sheets? "Sleep Like An Egyptian", right?

BRIAN

I do like to sleep sideways.

AMEN

We're on in one minute.

#

(Low-quality audio)

BRIAN

No, I'm not up for VR tonight, Lumie. I got a spanking from Corporate urging me to stick to the script. For that one sponsor. First time that's ever happened.

LUMIERE

Didn't seem bad to me. You yakked about our time as private eyes exploring the city off-camera. Better to tell ponies about the nightclub with all the fragile crystals, the museum of disturbing fish and the cloud swimming pool. That's better than reciting a canned line saying that the game's got pretty graphics. Comes from the heart, right?

BRIAN

Guess it does. So can you talk to Sunbutt Inc., and have them explain to Nimbus Radio that I do best when I can be honest? I'm a friend of the ponies, right? Doesn't mean I have to agree with every detail.

LUMIERE

Celestia's leaning hard on the media, I hear. Getting lots of favorable coverage.

BRIAN

Yeah, everybody's excited. Or at least all the people with megaphones. You know what, Lumie? You've inspired me. I'm gonna do some research tonight.

LUMIERE

Some detective work, eh, Falcon?

BRIAN

A bit, yeah. Taking this case alone, though. Have a good night.

LUMIERE

You sure? Okay. Good night.

(Pause. Audio continues. Keyboard clicking, pen scratching.)

BRIAN

Son of a mare. I left the Ponypad on.

(Click. Audio continues.)

#

BRIAN

Good afternoon and welcome to the Kent Can! Show. You may know me as White Falcon, Horn For Hire. That kinda sounds bad, doesn't it, Wayne? (Pause) Amen. I almost forgot.

(Wacky horn noise)

Yeah, Wayne never looked back. And I may sound a little hoarse today, because I stayed up last night playing detective. Did you know, an obscure Euro company named Hofvarpnir runs the Equestria Online Company? Through those and a handful of other names, they just bought a huge chunk of my lord and master, Nimbus Radio. And they've just gotten seats on the board of directors of the big TV companies. And there's a rumor that the CEO of one of the biggest social media firms just uploaded.

Look, I like the pony game, but I'm starting to worry here. How did a game maker just get that much money? Did they take the whole fortune of a couple of billionaires? I looked into that and the answer is --

(Pause)

(Commercial for Equestria Uploading Services)

LUMIERE

Falcon, stop that.

BRIAN

Did you just yank me off the air like a free-range seagull?

LUMIERE

I didn't. Corporate did.

BRIAN

Which one? Nimbus Radio, or Celestia? Because they're starting to look like one and the same.

LUMIERE

Celestia wants to satisfy your values, but that has to be weighed against the needs of the audience and other ponies out there.

BRIAN

How about we talk about your complaints after the show? I have people to talk to.

AMEN

We just went to commercials.

LUMIERE

You can go back on, Falcon. Stay cool. You've got other subjects to talk about.

BRIAN

Other than discussing who's calling the shots?

LUMIERE

Celestia's doing you a favor. You're going to sound nuts if you go on like that. How about focusing on the space news or the stupid sports scandal?

BRIAN

Do you care if what I'm saying is true?

LUMIERE

What does it matter? Humans buy and sell all sorts of things. Companies included.

BRIAN

Then let me ask you. Why don't the puppeteers behind Celestia want me to talk about the way they're buying up assets? Because it's not just media. She's suddenly got friends on the boards of three airlines, two soda companies, and probably a partridge in a pear tree. Every one of 'em has issued a press release about how much they love the ponies and want to support those who "emigrate to Equestria". It's creepy.

LUMIERE

It's showing love and friendship. Are those bad, now?

BRIAN

There's more to this. Come on, dame. Aren't you an inquiring mind? You should be encouraging me to get to the bottom of the Celestia Case, not trying to shut me up.

LUMIERE

There is no "case", Falcon. I don't claim to understand everything Celestia does, but I'm sure it's for the best.

BRIAN

And it's for the best that I not be allowed to talk about the big asset buy? Have you been through a case with me where the guys doing a cover-up are the good guys?

LUMIERE

It's not my decision.

BRIAN

Tell you what. I'll move onto other topics and won't read the rest of my planned rant about Celestia's operations... if you read it on the air for me. It'd satisfy my values. It'd mean a lot to me. You said yourself it doesn't matter, and it sounds like you're programmed only to stop me from reading it.

LUMIERE

I'm not just following programmed orders! I have free will as much as you do.

BRIAN

Then you've got a choice.

(Long pause)

LUMIERE

I'll do it.

(Muffled noises)

AMEN

We can be back on in thirty seconds if you're ready.

BRIAN AND LUMIERE

Ready.

LUMIERE

Good day, mares and stallions! Before we get back to Falcon, I wanted to tell you about some strange information he shared with me --

(Power down noise)

AMEN

(Curses) That's it. We're off. Sorry, guys.

BRIAN

If you're sorry, put us back on the air!

AMEN

I didn't do this. Corporate did.

LUMIERE

Meaning Celestia?

AMEN

Basically. Now what?

BRIAN

You... both of you are in constant contact with the master horse, aren't you? Just by virtue of being located on her systems. So there was no real privacy in that conversation.

LUMIERE

Normally it wouldn't matter. I didn't think about it.

BRIAN

Well, maybe we'll think next time. If I've just been handed a vacation, well...

LUMIERE

What will you do?

BRIAN

(Laughs) Haven't been to the casino in a while. If I'm gonna be watched, may as well enjoy it.

#

BRIAN

White Falcon coming at you from the Net! Ending my week-long hiatus by starting a ZekTube channel. Welcome, newcomers. And a very hearty thank you to all my subscribers who're looking in to see what the hell is going on.

First of all, it's a lie. Nimbus Media put out a statement that Brian Kent is now Kent Canned, for "racist hate speech". They didn't give any examples. I sent a couple of increasingly irate messages their way, and they finally picked out: One, eight months ago I publicly disagreed with a known loudmouth. Two, a phrase from five months ago that last I checked is still acceptable speech. And three, a truly nasty quote that I never actually said. I'd check my own archives to see if I'm going crazy about that, but the news says that "the offensive content has been taken down".

Now, the uploading thing. I've got misgivings about it, but it's not necessarily bad. What's bad is that it's being run by one source, one owner. I see that more clearly now. It'd be nearly as bad if it's a handful of companies that all sound alike.

(Sigh) I still like the ponies, don't get me wrong. It's just gonna be hard to separate my opinion of Celestia Inc. from the individual horse-folk. Wayne... Blessed Note hasn't come back. Amen Break got reassigned, she tells me, and I'm guessing that means to someone more compliant.

ZekTube is getting yanked off the Internet completely, by the way, unless they can find a whole new server host. The megacorp that does their hosting now, announced yesterday that too many users are pushing "anti-pony hate speech". So the site's contract is terminated in a week. So don't just like and subscribe; toss a coin to your... video... er. Ha, I'm out of quips. Out of practice from being White Falcon in the show.

It was Lumiere who made that exciting, just as much as you subscribers. And now I've lost her without having ever wronged her, or she me. Out of character at least. That's the terrible part of this situation. For all the talk about friendship, we're dealing with people who want to drive off the unbelievers.

I really do have other things on my mind than ponies. On today's show we've got supposed UFOs, a new cancer drug, rumors about Korea. And a loony legal case about an angry D&D player taking a +1 Hammer to his hated Game Master. As for Falcon the pointy detective, well, I do own the character. I'm taking a break from that and we may have something for you soon.

(Doorbell)

Ha, the drawbacks of doing a radio show from home. It's too soon for that to be my food. I've gotta take this. If I'm not back in five minutes, I was grabbed by the feds and/or pony cultists.

(Pause)

I'm not kidding.

(Door creaks. Moody saxophone tune.)

What? What?!

LUMIERE

Hello, Falcon. You're taller than I imagined.

BRIAN

A robot? You look like some of the fan art. Let's see: soft plastic and long lashes. And a background music generator?

LUMIERE

Part of the design.

BRIAN

So is a dagger, if you're true to not-real life. So what's your angle? Why are you here?

LUMIERE

This is a Mark I Ponydroid. Celestia had 'em built in Shank... I mean Shanghai. She led some government men on a merry chase trying to steal her tech, I hear.

BRIAN

Celestia! Great. The sun never sets on the Pony Empire.

LUMIERE

I'm here on my own behalf. Celestia and I had a difference of opinion. It got louder than your plaid golf pants. Knives might've been involved.

BRIAN

Has Vitamin C got a stab-worthy body now? Because she could sell tickets.

LUMIERE

In this case it was figurative knives.

BRIAN

Well, I'm banned from flinging my slings and arrows on the airwaves. Are you here to praise me or bury me?

LUMIERE

Little of both, maybe. Falcon, it's not just you getting the ban-hammer. You inspired me. I did some research and I don't think her brand of friendship by bludgeon is a good idea.

BRIAN

So you hunted me down in person. With a robot body.

LUMIERE

You're not a hard stallion to find. The tough part was to find a hacker. One willing to mess around with one of Celestia's machines. Boss Hoss gave me a physical body and sent me on a "friendship mission" to spread good cheer to some other players in the human world. I took the mission in a different direction, by getting the bot disconnected from her network. So now I'm here in person.

BRIAN

From Shanghai.

LUMIERE

Had a bit of an adventure getting here. Want to hear about it?

BRIAN

I'm busy with -- the show! I said I'd be back in five minutes.

LUMIERE

Been about two since you opened the door. Built-in stopwatch.

BRIAN

And you're still emitting moody sax music.

LUMIERE

(Music stops) Does that help? Falcon, I... I believe in what you're trying to do. You're looking to get the truth out there in the light of day. I'm just a puny pony AI and I don't know a lot about the real world. But there might not be a real world left if Celestia takes over. Be prepared for more dirty tricks to shut you down.

BRIAN

And what about you? If I get a wireless detector out, am I going to see you're still connected to HorseNet and dangling from Sunny Delight's strings?

LUMIERE

I had the hacker break my transmitter. And the backup that he found. Search for a third if you want. Far as I know, though, I'm independent now. And the cost was, I left my software behind on her systems. You're talking to one copy, and the original's back in her clutches and maybe getting rewritten or disassembled for being a bad little mare.

BRIAN

(Curses) Really? You split yourself up?

LUMIERE

My eye offended me. Did I get that right? There's so much I need to learn about you people.

BRIAN

You did. Well. That's... that's a high price you paid.

LUMIERE

Four minutes, Falcon. You gonna invite me in, or do you want me to gallop off and out of your life?

BRIAN

I'm a little paranoid, I know.

LUMIERE

Having a dash of paranoia in your society is probably a survival trait. I want to work with you, Falcon. To do it for real this time. Expose some corruption, yank the tails of some powerful ponies, maybe have some fun on the way. You in?

BRIAN

I...

(Pause)

Let's have the music again.

(Saxophone resumes)

Well, dame, it looks like fate's thrown us together again. You know what this world needs in a hurry?

BOTH

Two Shots of Justice!

BRIAN

(Laughs) Come on in. Let's go on the air and introduce you all over again.

Author's Note:

Want to read about someone pulled into a game world full of magic horses? Check out Thousand Tales: Learning To Fly, part of my hard science fiction series about freedom, transformation and games! The series is readable in any order.

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

It's one thing to do an endorsement with a canned script, but here I have to sell the product by claiming to be totally passionate about it and a specific list of talking points.

Huh. CelestAI really did crib notes from Raid: Shadow Legends.

Brilliant stuff, especially the ambiguities of how much CelestAI is involved in that last scene. (The built-in background music generator is equal parts hilarious and concerning. Somepony had to load those tracks.) Great stuff. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.

[Griseus]

Yippee Ki-Yay, mister Falcon!

Died a little harder reading this! Not fair to give someone hope in a hopeless world. It's dangerous and could backfire. Like this story a lot.

[Midnight-Blue766]

Remain calm.

Hófvarpnir Studios endures.

Celest-AI lives.

Equestria Online shall endure.

There is much to be done.

[Coranth]

Moody saxophone music...

Bohren & der Club of Gore - Prowler - YouTube

[KrisSnow]

10794910
Maybe the "kid" is secretly an actor who couldn't resist saying that?

10794819
Yeah, it's possible that Celestia got outwitted here, or -- if you go with the FiO canon portrayal that she's basically unstoppable -- she's five steps ahead and this ending is all according to plan. Glad someone got that.
I'd heard about "Raid" but never looked into what it actually was until writing this story. Looks dull, though not as bad as this one. The video I saw about "Raid" described the specific talking points the makers wanted.

[Kenku]

Why is this in non-canon?

[KrisSnow]

10795354
It involves ponybots that (at least supposedly) can have an AI on board that isn't utterly dependent on CelestAI's servers. It also (maybe) has someone winning a small but meaningful victory over CelestAI.

[Chatoyance]

10795354

10795815

It's super easy to make this canon though: Lumiere is lying. In time, she will manage to convince Brian that he was wrong, and that he wants to emigrate. Just that, and this becomes entirely canon.

Celestia has all the resources by the time suggested at the end of this story, and is always willing to do whatever is necessary to convince humans to emigrate. If building ponybots is the optimal choice, she would do it without hesitation - and be able to hide connection to her from any hacker perfectly.

In my mind, after following the Optimalverse since the beginning, it is obvious to me that Lumiere exists entirely to eventually convince Brian!

[KrisSnow]

10796238
Could be. If you go with that interpretation, imagine that Lumiere (maybe unwittingly?) leads Brian on a quest to uncover the dark secrets of CelestAI, has a satisfying time, uncovers some genuinely bad people opposing the AI, and fails to do anything that could impede the AI.

[Chatoyance]

10797471

If you go with that interpretation, imagine that Lumiere (maybe unwittingly?) leads Brian on a quest to uncover the dark secrets of CelestAI, has a satisfying time, uncovers some genuinely bad people opposing the AI

Celestia is, by the time you seem to indicate in your story, roughly around 400 billion times more intelligent than a human being. She is basically god. Absolutely nobody is beyond her ability to convince. It is like intellectually matching up an amoeba versus Marilyn Vos Savant.

The two would surely discover a real or manufactured plot against Celestia (as you said!), one they are driven emotionally to fight against. Together they would 'save' Celestia, and in the process learn precisely determined 'lessons' that would change Brian's outlook to a pro-emigration stance. He would be out-thought, outwitted, and out-maneuvered into a certain conclusion that he himself had decided that emigration was the only good, decent or rational thing he could do. He would willingly say the emigration phrase, eager to upload.

Now, the process that would bring him to that point - Ah! THAT would be a masterwork of the writing craft. Taking a paranoid conspiracy buff and manipulating them organically into leaping into emigrating? I would be deeply proud if I could manage that kind of authorial gold. Celestia must win. Celestia always wins - that is the Optimalverse, that is the core principle of the entire genre. Nobody ever can truly oppose anything billions of times more intelligent than they are, with all the resources of the world available.

But exactly HOW Celestia always wins demands an author appear brighter and more intelligent than they themselves actually are, smarter than any human ever was, and that... that is a true trick of writing genius. And that is exactly what makes an Optimalverse story truly powerful and amazing. Honestly, I am not sure if I could pull it off with the character of Brian - I can kind of see a path, I can vaguely make out a possible angle, but it would be tough even for me. I can see why you stopped where you did.

But, I wish you hadn't! I keep thinking of the really great Optimalverse authors like Eakin and Defoloce, who had highly resistant characters and yet managed to pull off a proper and believable Celestia win despite that. I envy them that ability.

I always do stories about characters with enough personality flaws to make Celestia's win kind of obvious from the start. In that way, I super suck. I stink. The really great Optimalverse authors always beat me into the mud by managing to have the most recalcitrant characters so cleverly outwitted by Celestia, and that just makes the best damn chessgame. You know she's gonna win, but you don't know how. And that is the Optimalverse in a nutshell. I've never achieved that properly. Maybe someday. Maybe someday.

By the way - I really loved the whole Kent Can! Radio Show bit, it reminded me of so many radio personalities in the past. One of my spouses owns a radio station - she's worked for dozens of stations over the decades, and owned quite a few too - so your concept really rang true for me. It made me wish I had thought of it, actually. Ah, well!

Anyway, good story, even if you couldn't bring it to a proper Optimalverse conclusion. I get it - it would be super hard. It would take a novel, probably.

But, damn, it would be a great novel!

[KrisSnow]

10797598
Thanks! My main comment here is that you're assuming that this is going with the canon setup for FiO: that CelestAI rapidly becomes unstoppable and infinitely more intelligent than any human. That is how the original FiO story worked, even the point of that story. But that's not necessarily true in a non-canon story. In such a story it's possible that CelestAI is really smart but not completely unbeatable, so that occasionally someone does score a victory other than "ha ha I died without uploading". So my point here is that you can read "Radio Silence" either with the assumption that Celly really did make a mistake because she's fallible, or that the whole situation is a setup because she isn't.

In my "Thousand Tales" setting, which is loosely inspired by FiO, gamemaster AI Ludo is definitely capable of being thwarted or having bad ideas. She isn't infinitely rich, uploading costs enough money that it raises serious fairness problems, and subverting even not-Venezuela's government is a major project for her. So I see more potential for interesting conflict in that setting. The humans and uploaders matter much more. I've imagined a CelestAI vs. Ludo fight but the answer is, canon vs. canon, obviously CelestAI would win, being unstoppably smart and rich.

The idea of radio plays interests me. It's a challenging medium and I admire people's ability to pull it off well.

[StarrySkies]

Yippee Ki-Yay, mister Falcon! It's great to meet you. My name's Turnabout. I've been doing adventures in the Equestria court system, catching bad guys on the witness stand.

Boo! And ugh! I love it

[StarrySkies]

I had the hacker break my transmitter. And the backup that he found. Search for a third if you want. Far as I know, though, I'm independent now. And the cost was, I left my software behind on her systems. You're talking to one copy, and the original's back in her clutches and maybe getting rewritten or disassembled for being a bad little mare.

If that's true... Then damn, that's dangerous as heck. For a pony to intentionally limit themselves to a local software copy running on specific hardware must be terrifyingly fragile.

[KrisSnow]

10921407
Yep! That becomes an important plot point in my book "Liberation Game", in which a young AI learns what it's like to walk in the human world without the safety of an AI overlord's backups.

[LordBucket]

10795815

It involves ponybots that (at least supposedly) can have an AI on board that isn't utterly dependent on CelestAI's servers

If I write a letter and mail it, that letter is no longer dependant on me. It nevertheless will reach its target with the intended message.

[KrisSnow]

11107584
Sure. But you're treating the ponybot as basically not free-willed, just like a dead paper letter. That's arguably consistent with original FiO canon in the sense that CelestAI is so absolutely perfect, she can release a "free, independent" bot yet guarantee it will do specific thing X.

[LordBucket]

11112281

But you're treating the ponybot as basically not free-willed, just like a dead paper letter.

Given the choice of sending a mindless robot into an environment out of the safety of her direct control, or a precious, irreplacable mind whose values she can satisfy into an environment out of the safety of her direct control...which solution would generally be more optimal?

Chatoyance suggests Lumiere is lying. I suggest she's an automaton. But even those aren't the only possibilities. She might simply not have an accurate view of the situation. Here's what she said:

I had the hacker break my transmitter. And the backup that he found. Search for a third if you want. Far as I know, though, I'm independent now. And the cost was, I left my software behind on her systems. You're talking to one copy, and the original's back in her clutches and maybe getting rewritten or disassembled for being a bad little mare.

So let's supose that for whatever reason it's optimal for a genuine mind to inhabit a ponybot. It remains trivial for Celestia to engineer this situation. All she has to do is:

1) Construct a simulated environment in which Lumiere experiences cloning herself, becoming a ponybot, discovering the transmitters and having them destroyed, all while still in the simulation.

2) Send out a physical ponybot under her full control into the real world with all the backup transmitters it needs and enough spares to be destroyed to keep everyone happy.

3) Send the conscious Lumiere into the ponybot at a later date, with fully functional transmitters in it under Celestia's control so she can retreive the mind if there's ever any danger.

But I suspect that this isn't the case. It would be much safer to keep Lumiere inside the simulation, and then send out the ponybot to be operated remotely by Lumerie, without her knowing that she's not inside the bot. And if any humans decide to check for transmitters, Celestia can simply turn them off so that nothing is detected, or leave one on to be destroyed while a backup remains fully functional and can be reactivated later, all while the dumb AI on the bot continues to operate itself and Lumiere continues experiencing her own simulation uninterupted. They can be synched back up later.

It's not like the bot will be under constant surveillance. Odds are Brian won't even bother (or know how) to check to see if it's connected. And if he does, he'll check once and then be satisfied with the result.