Sour Notes

Poofy_Poof

Poofy_Poof #1 · Feb 26th, 2021 · 4 · 1 · Chapter five: A great day for freedom ·

Reply

This story is amazing, and I cannot wait for more!
It's so beautifully written, and I can feel the love in it.

sykko

sykko #2 · Mar 6th, 2021 · 3 · · Chapter seven: Between two points ·

Reply

The husband sounds like a high-functioning alcoholic.

sykko

sykko #3 · Mar 9th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter eight: It's called freefall ·

Reply

I get the feeling that Papyrus is cheating on his wife. I could be completely off though.

mortarroad

mortarroad #4 · Mar 9th, 2021 · 1 · · Chapter eight: It's called freefall ·

Reply

I really like your terse style of writing, limiting it to the interesting parts while skipping ahead if a scene would be uninteresting.
I also enjoyed that in your previous story.

Am I right in the assumption that you are not a native speaker? Neither am I, but a few sentences seem to be constructed oddly.
For example: "And I was glad I could be there for her, even though I wasn’t the one who’d she prefer."
I would have written: "[...], even though I wasn't the one (who) she'd have preferred".

Another example: "At first I was wondering what was Mrs. Lemon thinking about, [...]."
I would have written: "At first I was wondering what Mrs. Lemon was thinking about, [...]."

Other than that, there's a lot of run-on sentences / comma splices and generally incorrect punctuation.
So, if you are looking for a proof reader, I could probably do that for a while.

Poofy_Poof

Poofy_Poof #5 · Mar 9th, 2021 · · · Chapter eight: It's called freefall ·

Reply

10713917
ooh-
that actually sounds seemingly accurate re-reading this story

creativeprocrastinator

creativeprocrastinator #6 · Mar 10th, 2021 · 1 · · Chapter eight: It's called freefall ·

Reply

I’m so worried I feel like either Lemon is gonna make a pass at Anon and he will say no and it will lead to Scribble finding out or he’s just gonna walk in on them and she’s gonna throw Anon under the bus, or even worse she gets him too drunk to say no then blames him

Klaifferon

Klaifferon #7 · Mar 11th, 2021 · 1 · · Chapter eight: It's called freefall ·

Reply

10714575
Thanks pal!
...I'm really not a native speaker, although I'd very much like if I could get to the point that no one recognizes it, that's why I really appreciate you correcting me there :)
If you're serious about helping with the overall correcture of this story, it would be very kind of you. I just don't really have a way to repay you afterwards... 😅

nameundetermined

nameundetermined #8 · Mar 13th, 2021 · 5 · 1 · Chapter nine: When you Rock n’ Roll with me ·

Reply

This is a wonderful story, and I am disappointed that it is not getting more attention.

and as always

Cash Money.

creativeprocrastinator

creativeprocrastinator #9 · Mar 14th, 2021 · 3 · 1 · Chapter nine: When you Rock n’ Roll with me ·

Reply

Keep it up this story is great

Pete100

Pete100 #10 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 1 · · Prologue: So long, black balloon ·

Reply

“It won’t be easy but if you succeed, you won’t regret a single thing you had to endure.” said The Light.
“I’m ready.” I answered.

What’s that?

I ran out into the streets, laughing and screaming like a maniac while the humans and horses were fighting each other all around with occasional explosions detonating in the distance.

And none of them questioned it?

Not only for the unicorns though, I wouldn't dare to disobey any of the pony races; not pegasi nor even the earth ones with nothing but incredible strength in their hind legs. It didn’t matter. They all seem harmless at a first sight. They weren’t.

When you think about it, they are kinda harmless.

The withdrawals I experienced however, caused uncontrollable mood swings through which I once even punched one of the gryphons and got harshly punished immediately afterwards. They called me "Schizo" ever since, poking fun at my mental health.

Just point the middle finger.

As the time went on, more humans were getting sold as slaves/pets to the pony workers going home or settling in. Golbeak's thugs were still occasionally bringing fresh humans too, slowly turning the business into a regular slave shop by the time my old city was almost re-built.

So a pet shop?

Pete100

Pete100 #11 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter one: Miracle? ·

Reply

"…Yeah, that is expensive indeed, even for me.” the stallion scratched his chin “Guess I'll take this one. Both with the collar, remote and a chip too."

Chip? F*ck no.

"Get in there Schizo. I am not asking twice." the stallion nudged me into the open door when I hesitated to enter the smelly interior.

Stop pushing me.

...I was still sent into the luggage area though, with a threat that if I touch “anything” in there, I'd get zapped.

Zap me.

With a physical demonstration of how does it hurt. It really does hurt.
...It’s not like I was going to search through any pony luggage anyway

I would.

"I don't need an assistant Papyrus! Especially not... something like this!"

Excuse me?

"...He's ugly. And he smells..." the mare muttered

B*tch. Let’s see how good you look after being treated like an animal.

"If you did, you'd be here yourself!..." the mare angrily yelled, almost as if I wasn't standing right in front of them witnessing it, as if I wasn't even there. ...Pretty sure if she had something in her hoof, she’d throw it at him as well.

Don’t you just love looking at drama that don’t got sh*t to do with you?

"I don’t like things under my skin. ...Especially if it's connecting me to this weird and stinky creature."

Boo-hoo b*tch. I didn’t ask for this sh*t.

"Schizo, I'm gonna say this only once, so you better remember everything as best as your brain allows it. My wife, Lemon Scribble, is now your new master and the single most important thing in your life, understand? I won't always be here, so your allegiance lies to her. If she tells you to jump, you’re supposed to ask how high. If she tells you to run in circles, you better start running. Any questions?"

Uh yea. Who the f*ck you think you talking to?

...I had a few, but I was afraid of asking them, so I just shook my head, saying "No."

Just ask.

Pete100

Pete100 #12 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter two: So lonesome I could cry ·

Reply

"So,.. Lemon, dear, is he better now?" chuckled Mr. Scribbles, nudging me forward
"... He's still ugly. But least he doesn't smell anymore."

Based on the illustration, she can’t call anyone/anypony ugly.

"We don't have a cat!" laughed the stallion, turning back to his wife "Saw how nervous he got just because he couldn’t do it right away? That was hilarious.!"

F*ck you.

"Fuck my talent! What is it good for?! Fuck everything! You're gone all week and instead of taking a single day off, you just buy me this creature so that you won't have to deal with your stupid cripple of a wife!!"

Ok, I understand she’s going through something, but that’s no excuse for insults to the “creature” that’s forced to help you.

He was trying to look composed but I knew he was boiling inside. ...And I was left there all alone with the mare, unsure what to do.

Why is he angry?

Pete100

Pete100 #13 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter three: Eyes Open ·

Reply

"...Mrs. Scribble, how old are you?"
"Thirty six. Our average life expectancy might be ten or even twenty years longer than yours, but life never really follows statistics...."
"You're 36...?"
She merely nodded.

In pony years or human years?

"It isn’t that uncommon for our kind." chuckled Mrs. Scribble "The very first signs of age usually start to show in our 50's or even 60’s... Though, I probably won’t live that long."

What does she mean?

Mrs. Scribble was silent most of the time, only occasionally asking questions about humans and our dead culture. And I was really happy that I got to speak with someone who doesn’t think I’m actually retarded. It almost felt like she cared...

Dead culture?

I brought her back into the house and seated her into the chair with tiny wheels which she left by the garden door. Only now I noticed there’s a tiny joystick for riding around. There’s no electricity on it though, so it’s probably magic operated as quite a bit of pony tech.

I’d take advantage of that.

No more conflicts, no more problems. I thought.
Boy, was I wrong about that but who could have known back then…

What does that mean?

Pete100

Pete100 #14 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter four: Breathe in the air ·

Reply

This was a really good chapter.

Pete100

Pete100 #15 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 3 · · Chapter five: A great day for freedom ·

Reply

”Good morning Anon…” she smiled back but I could tell that this is one of her fake smiles.
...It didn’t seem as if she’s having too good of a morning for some reason. Which felt strange, the last time I saw her yesterday, she was really happy

How?

"You're welcome... I wouldn't want your teeth to rot away. It would be both painful for you to eat, as well as for me to see you like that.”
...Little does she know that all my 8' and 7' are gone already and my right canine is fake.

8’ and 7’?

It kept going, pumping the electricity into my body so hard I couldn’t even move. All I could do was to squirm on the floor in agony.

What if he got powers from it?

”...He’s gonna be okay, the gryphon said it’s not lethal…” Mr Scribble soon popped up behind her as well.

But, you don’t know that for sure.

"Now, now, dear.." her husband put his hoof on her while she was trying to pick me up “Don’t belittle yourself in front of the human. He needs to respect you.”

Shut up.

“…This is one of the few things I got to bring here from my old house in Canterlot… It’s a bit ironic.”

The swing?

And suddenly I felt strong, not because she was weak but because I finally found my purpose. In a way, it made me free…
For the time being

For the time being?

Pete100

Pete100 #16 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 3 · · Chapter six: First Class ·

Reply

Now when I think about it, how did the war happen?

Pete100

Pete100 #17 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter seven: Between two points ·

Reply

The married couple seems to be getting along.

Pete100

Pete100 #18 · Mar 18th, 2021 · · · Chapter eight: It's called freefall ·

Reply

I think I was afraid that if I erase the “distance”, I won’t have anyone to look up to anymore...

What does he mean?

...But I wondered why didn’t they just tell me to stay away from their bedroom or something. Then again, I knew how much my mistress likes nature, so that might have been the real reason why she prefers a blanket under the trees over her own bed. I probably would have too...

What does that have to do with anything?

Pete100

Pete100 #19 · Mar 18th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter nine: When you Rock n’ Roll with me ·

Reply

The best way to describe this chapter is that it went from good to bad.

Pete100

Pete100 #20 · Mar 22nd, 2021 · 4 · · Chapter ten: Stay ·

Reply

Wow, that worked out pretty well.

Pete100

Pete100 #21 · Mar 22nd, 2021 · · · Epilogue: A new moon rising ·

Reply

Looks like things are looking up for humans.

sykko

sykko #22 · Mar 22nd, 2021 · 3 · · Chapter nine: When you Rock n’ Roll with me ·

Reply

I knew he was cheating on her!

Thule

Thule #23 · Mar 23rd, 2021 · · 1 · Epilogue: A new moon rising ·

Reply

Will you make another story in this series?

Because I'm actually wondering what happened to the children and the elderly humans.
Is there a difference in how females are treated?

Were some humans really sent to the butchers and considered livestock (i.e. feed), and not just labor (beast of burden), as was mentioned from the first story...

Maybe the next story could be:

From the POV from a pony government official, overseeing:
- Human trade
- Human mistreatment
- Human ''veterinaries''
Or a (POV) pony researching humans and their behavior.
For good statistical results, you need a proper size of sample pool.
How would the people be treated in a clinical environment.
How would the human and the other races treat each other, after 50, 100, 200 or 500 years?
Can purebred humans get rights by that time?
How are the human mixed offspring treated.... Legally or socially?
This could from a descendent or child of RD an anon, or be a one-shot from a class visiting a ''human(-pony war)'' museum.

Thank you for the story.
Well done I say!
memegenerator.net/img/instances/73571171.jpg

nameundetermined

nameundetermined #24 · Mar 27th, 2021 · 1 · 1 · Epilogue: A new moon rising ·

Reply

underrated story, quite excellent by all accounts. sex right after almost overdosing struck me as a bit off, but hey, smut can be awkward, lol.

Klaifferon

Klaifferon #25 · Mar 27th, 2021 · 3 · 1 · Epilogue: A new moon rising ·

Reply

10735511
I'm very happy you enjoyed it and I'm sorry but this is likely my last one from this universe. :( As much as I enjoyed writing it, it's a really niche topic and to be honest, I wrote both Captive and Sour Notes as a revolt to the idea of slavery. The point of all my stories so far is that we're all worth the same, no matter the body we wear so I do not exactly plan on taking it any further.
If you like the universe though, I think that on 4chan/mlp the "Pony Supremacy" thread is still running and there's more stories, besides mine. :)

10740620
Thank you! ...
Btw, Cash money to you too ;) It cracked me up the last time.

I'd also like to thank everyone else I didn't mention in the comment.
I really, REALLY appreciate everyone who followed the story up to the last chapter and all you guys commenting through it too. I was itching to reply but I didn't want to spoil anything. Sorry if it looked like I left you hanging.
Luv yall

Peppermint N Swirl