- Member Since 10th May, 2020
- offline last seen 44 minutes ago
Nephilim
Just an amateur adult-fic writer who passes his time writing stuff. “In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present”
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I really was hoping for some comments tbh
10646641
Me too pal...
10646641
10646646
There just isn't too much to talk about yet. All we have now is the set up. We haven't gotten to the real meat of the story yet. I can give one pro and con though. The weird and out of nowhere way you set up a future threesome with Twilight was really fun, but Cedric came of as rather tactless in is conversation with Shy. Maybe you can say it shows just shows how comfortable he is with her, but it was oddly off-putting to me.
Damn... a wonderful start. Can't wait for the next chapters!
10646754
Yeah, when I wrote it, Cedric was supposed to have a little more screen time. The next chapter will primarily be a clop scene. The one after that...
Hmm, interesting. I look forward to future chapters!
I am cautious of the embellished writing. And the human doesn't have much depth to him. But the setting sounds entertaining and this is tagged as porn. I guess I shouldn't get my aspirations too high.
10647264
Do you mind explaining the problem with the embellished writing?
Bold Fluttershy is the best Fluttershy
10647564
I can certainly try.
Obviously the most prominent signs of embellishment are at the very beginning when you go into alliteration describing the scene and main characters. You do a great job explaining Fluttershy is tending to a garden adjacent to her house without being too precise so that the reader can connect the dots. And then you get to the human.
It doesn't feel like you know how to easily define a human. You switch between metaphors and similes trying to compare the human to animals and golems. It doesn't flow well in explaining a character. Your explanation even contradicts itself by remarking " [the] creature is slim like a monkey but almost as big and built like an ape, but just not quite." I don't even think there are primates in the Equestria universe, Personally, I think you would have done better to compare the character against diamond dogs or Ahuizotl.
After setting the scene, you do a good job having the characters interact with one another without describing every physical action.
And then you get to the second scene with Twilight foregoing setting the scene. But since this is Twilight and you had already mentioned books, it is safe to presume Fluttershy would meet at one of her libraries. It would have been nice to have the scene set as it covers the remaining 3rd of the chapter and the characters don't appear to move from a single area, but since we know the characters so well and you haven't deviated heavily from their mannerisms, the reader can fill any holes in the scenario without being put off.
I hope this provides some benefit.
10648810
The diamond dog comparison didn't strike me at first, but now it makes a little sense. Reading this little explanation of yours, I'm assuming I did an okay job of things. Also, thank you for your insight and tips, this really helps alot.
Twilight has the cravings! May she have mercy on Cedric for their inevitable encounter!
Well, Twilight will start hinting a treeway some way or another, you know she could had started by offering Fluttershy a book that exclusively talk about sharing a stallion, or subtlety tells them about some 'test' that could help stimulate the act. Like using her for practice or as an spectator, purely scientific of course and then worm her way into a more 'intimate' scenario.
Men I will be laughing so hard if those reach the chapter of inviting a second mare, and ask Starlight first.
10665686
Oh, the chapter will come, friend. There's gonna be a lot of build-up to a good threeway scene. I wanna say...three more chapters until the grand finale?
10665724
Cool
Twilight now you did it, you complete forgot that even if Fluttershy can't smell the difference she literally has blood hounds that will certainly will tell her something was up, and someone was messing with them last night, and when that happen…well something tells me Fluttershy might interest in a kink involving a certain princess, a rope, a canceling magic ring and a gag ball
10728658
I was brewing this exact same chapter in my mind but wasn't sure to implement it or not. Might as well add it!
well I wonder if a child would mean that Cedric and Fluttershy will do the right thing, and help her raise the child and maybe think about the idea of forming a herd and see if Twilight can stop been a stranger.
She has a penis!
Aaaaaaaaand I'm GONE! Skipping this chapter, others might like this chapter and good for them more power to them, but I don't so I will simple skip it. See you next chapter
10733660
Lol, no problem. How do you feel about incest?
10733697
Don't have a problem there, just as long that everyone involve is 18 plus years old
wait she is middle age and still in estrus? When menopause happen to mares? at age 50? Also with all this baby talking would milk be involve at some point?
10738306
I don't know too much about horse anatomy and physiology, so I don't know about mare heat cycles and all that. I just wrote it for the horny.
10738333
ah it not complete necessary either, your story your rules, I mainly was intrigue if you had an determine age when mares are no longer fertile
It is good that there are writers who devote their personal time to such works.
Get a Plus for your efforts. But brother -writer you will have to have a lot of patience!