10647564 I can certainly try. Obviously the most prominent signs of embellishment are at the very beginning when you go into alliteration describing the scene and main characters. You do a great job explaining Fluttershy is tending to a garden adjacent to her house without being too precise so that the reader can connect the dots. And then you get to the human.
It doesn't feel like you know how to easily define a human. You switch between metaphors and similes trying to compare the human to animals and golems. It doesn't flow well in explaining a character. Your explanation even contradicts itself by remarking " [the] creature is slim like a monkey but almost as big and built like an ape, but just not quite." I don't even think there are primates in the Equestria universe, Personally, I think you would have done better to compare the character against diamond dogs or Ahuizotl.
After setting the scene, you do a good job having the characters interact with one another without describing every physical action.
And then you get to the second scene with Twilight foregoing setting the scene. But since this is Twilight and you had already mentioned books, it is safe to presume Fluttershy would meet at one of her libraries. It would have been nice to have the scene set as it covers the remaining 3rd of the chapter and the characters don't appear to move from a single area, but since we know the characters so well and you haven't deviated heavily from their mannerisms, the reader can fill any holes in the scenario without being put off.
10648810 The diamond dog comparison didn't strike me at first, but now it makes a little sense. Reading this little explanation of yours, I'm assuming I did an okay job of things. Also, thank you for your insight and tips, this really helps alot.
Bold Fluttershy is the best Fluttershy
10647564
I can certainly try.
Obviously the most prominent signs of embellishment are at the very beginning when you go into alliteration describing the scene and main characters. You do a great job explaining Fluttershy is tending to a garden adjacent to her house without being too precise so that the reader can connect the dots. And then you get to the human.
It doesn't feel like you know how to easily define a human. You switch between metaphors and similes trying to compare the human to animals and golems. It doesn't flow well in explaining a character. Your explanation even contradicts itself by remarking " [the] creature is slim like a monkey but almost as big and built like an ape, but just not quite." I don't even think there are primates in the Equestria universe, Personally, I think you would have done better to compare the character against diamond dogs or Ahuizotl.
After setting the scene, you do a good job having the characters interact with one another without describing every physical action.
And then you get to the second scene with Twilight foregoing setting the scene. But since this is Twilight and you had already mentioned books, it is safe to presume Fluttershy would meet at one of her libraries. It would have been nice to have the scene set as it covers the remaining 3rd of the chapter and the characters don't appear to move from a single area, but since we know the characters so well and you haven't deviated heavily from their mannerisms, the reader can fill any holes in the scenario without being put off.
I hope this provides some benefit.
10648810
The diamond dog comparison didn't strike me at first, but now it makes a little sense. Reading this little explanation of yours, I'm assuming I did an okay job of things. Also, thank you for your insight and tips, this really helps alot.